All I want, Fuh Christmas.

Did you like my title? I hate titles for blogs.  And I didn't want to be outright vulgar.  This blog took a turn and I don't feel like writing another one.   So here.  

For awhile I was convinced I wasn't going to do the whole Santa bit at Christmas with the kids.  And even for awhile anytime they would ask I would answer, No.  Santa is not real.   Seriously, why do we lie to our kids?   

Something changed this year.  I changed.  I never thought I'd be the guy with brain problems.  I don't know that it's really brain problems as much as it is how the past 20 or so years of my life have affected (I just looked up affect and effect and have determined it doesn't really matter which one you use) me.    

I don't have time in this blog to take you through it all.  But lets just say if I was a fetus today, abortion could have made a pretty strong argument.  Now, before you get all concerned about that statement, relax.  I wouldn't exist.  No one would know me.  Anyway...that should give you a little glimpse.  

But a couple years ago I had a pretty strong mental "breakdown".   I remember exactly where I was and how I felt.  It wasn't fun.  I remember what triggered it.  I remember how messed up I was in my head.  I knew then that I could no longer try to get through life on my own and started seeing  a therapist.  Then I started taking anti-depressants and seeing another therapist.   I soon found out I could manipulate my therapists.  Then we started couples counseling and that has been incredibly helpful.  I can't lie to my therapist if my wife is right next to me to verify.  

Anyway.   I finally caved and realized I got a lot of shit going on in my head that fucks with me.  And it's not really helpful to others.  

Moral of my quick story.  If you don't get your shit together before you have kids, they will hold a magnifying glass to everything that is wrong with you.  And in the process...you'll be toxic to them too.  You'll suck the fun right out of their life.  They might seem ok....but they don't know any different.  When they get older....the effects of having you for a parent will rear their ugly face.   All the failures you had as a parent will be passed right down to your kids and if you don't break the cycle....it continues.  

So this year...Santa is real.  He started as a spirit of giving and yesterday I told my son since our chimney is small we'll leave a key out so santa can use the front door.   Santa is fun.  Kids learn soon enough.  

But do you know what lie hurt me more than Santa?  The ones I learned about christianity.  When you find out the majority of that is bullshit....it does a whole lot more damage than Santa ever will.   

Keto for Life

I'm speaking to the people that want to get their health in check and control their eating habits.  If you are totally, 100% happy with your health, ignore all of this. 

The people living on the giant ship from Wall-E.  You know the ones that sat on the floating chairs, had food delivered to their seat and had robots do everything for them?  I used to watch that movie thinking we weren't there yet....but we are.  

Why do I think that?  

Donald Trump is the president elect.  

People take drugs to fix things about themselves they could do naturally. 

People believe everything they read. 

Nobody cares about consequences.  Play now, pay later. 

I know it's bad for me, but it makes my brain fake happy. 

You never have to leave your house.  Everything can be delivered to you.  

What I really wanted to say was, if you want to change, you can.  Action precedes motivation.  Are you not happy with your life?  Do something different.  Nothing changes if nothing changes.  From my experience, most people aren't happy with their health.  Both physical and mental. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  So many of your health issues are managed by what you eat.  And most of America eats garbage.  Your diet is controlled by a money hungry food and drug administration.  And they are robbing you.  Eat real food.  I'm an advocate of a Ketogenic Lifestyle.  I've lost 30 pounds and have kept it off for 4 months now.  It's super easy.  It's also helped me manage my depression and anxiety.  Your brain wires run right through your gut.  So if your gut is unhealthy, it effects your brain.   I've had friends overcome eating disorders with keto.  I've had friends reverse diabetes with keto.  My own wife switched to keto and makes the most amazing food ever and she's lost 20 lbs. by only a diet change, no exercise.  

So anyway...as the new year rolls around.  If you want to experience Keto, I'd love to fill you in on how it works.  Oh...it's not a business.  It's not an MLM.  It's just changing the foods you eat.   I would love to meet with you, even serve you an example of a keto meal and answer any questions you might have.  

But I'm not like that.

I see it happening.  If you voted for Trump you are a racist, bigot, xenophobe, homophobe, and hater of women's rights.   That's the group you get lumped into.   A vast majority of people that fit that description voted for Trump.  I'll stand by that, because I've seen it first hand.  

BUT.  Voting for Trump does not automatically put you in this group.  But you can't not wonder why people think that.  

You associate with a group that has a mixed identity, you better work really hard to prove that you are not like the few in the group that represent the reputation.  

I had a friend vote for Trump who as far as I'm concerned doesn't fit the typical Trump supporter description.  They have their reasons but they are sick and tired of being called names just because of the association to others that are total assholes.  

I get it.  This shouldn't happen.  But it does.  And it's been happening ever since humans existed.  It's not until we feel it's effects on our own lives do we realize how much it sucks.  

You see six "muslim looking" men on your airplane when traveling home for Christmas in 2001.  What are you thinking?  And this hasn't stopped since either.  

I'm not opposed to abortion.  But if I say that in certain christian communities, I'm a baby murderer.  No...I'm not.  

Oh.  And what if you are black?  

What about just being a Man?  

What about being a woman? 

Blonde. 

Gay.

Christian. 

Hillary supporter. 

Skater. 

Honor Roll Student. 

There are so many groups to be generalized into.  Stereotypes happen.  You are being stereotyped and you also stereotype others.  You can't deny this.  

I wish people would just get to know people for how the person is, not the party they accompany.  And since it's Christmas time....who was that alcoholic and glutton that hung out with the shits of the world?  Oh....that was Jesus.  

So.  Next time you get all pissy that someone categorized you into a group that you associate with.  Don't get pissed at that someone.  Get pissed on the culture you helped create.  

When someone makes a generalization about a group you are in and you don't fit it, instead of getting mad, be the exception to their generalization.

Somewhere in my Memory

For the past 15 or so years Christmas hasn't been the easiest time of year for me.  Life changes happen and things of your past somehow become distant memories.  And those memories are left in question of what was real and what wasn't. All the feels you get at the holidays are stacked up against what was and you wonder if you are sad that it's over or just moved by the holiday.  When we had kids it didn't get much easier.  Just as I was adjusting to a "new" style of Christmas it changed again.  I've come to realization that Christmas may not for me anymore.

It's tough.  I want to enjoy Christmas.  But I want Christmas to be a real authentic experience of the warmth of family.  And it is, for the most part.  It's just me that may be having a hard time embracing what is the new reality, perhaps a little hesitant to get a little too attached to the joys right in front of my face.  I've had those same feelings crumple before.

My son loves music.  He'll stare at the speakers just listening.  I often ask him how the music makes him feel.   Almost every time we get in the car he asks for "What Child is This?", but not just any version.  This one by August Burns Red.  You're welcome for sharing that musical masterpiece with you.  He often tells me the scene he imagines during the song.  Right after that song plays this John Williams cover (yes, you heard that right) comes on.  Another one by August Burns Red.    Cool fact about ABR, they are a local band from Lancaster, PA.   Right after that one, he asks for the original  Home Alone theme.  Titled, "Somewhere in my Memory".   This song always made me sad.  Perhaps it was the reuniting of a Happy Family at the end of the movie.  Not just Kevin and his family, but Old Man Marley and his son next door.   I asked him how this song made him feel a few weeks ago, and he said, "happy."  I was confused.  Up until that point I had only heard was "somewhere in my memory."  So I listened to the words.

Candles in the window,

shadows painting the ceiling,

gazing at the fire glow,

feeling that gingerbread feeling.

Precious moments,

special people,

happy faces,

I can see.

Somewhere in my mem'ry,

Christmas joy's all around me,

living in my mem'ry,

all of the music,

all of the magic,

all of the fam'ly home here with me.

This song doesn't make me sad anymore.  Especially when my son (who knows all the words) sings along while he's riding in the back seat of the car.  

This is my new Christmas.  I'm not who I once was.  Christmas will never be what it once was.  We're building new Christmas memories as a family.   

A Glimpse of Mornings and Fear

I wake up now without an alarm at about 5:19am everyday.  As soon as my feet hit the floor decisions much be made.  We live in a split level.  6 stairs to get to the main living area and another 6 to get to the basement. Bathrooms are on the top and bottom.  I try to minimize the amount of stairs I encounter.   This forces the decision to pee first or go to the kitchen and make coffee.  If I pee first that means I have to wait about 6-8 minutes for the coffee to brew before I go all the way downstairs to the studio.  I usually go down to make coffee first, then I go back upstairs to pee.  I check Facebook for a bit while I'm there and usually the coffee is about done.  Then I go down to the basement.   I know.  So complex.   I guess I could pee on my way down, start the coffee and sit in the dining room for a few minutes.  Yes.  I think I'll try that tomorrow.

I put my coffee in mug I got from Haiti that was hand made.  I bought it for my wife, but I end up using it more than she does.  I buy one every time I go to Haiti.  Most of them are of the 8 oz. size and uniquely fashioned, one of a kind, experiment mugs.  But not this one.  This one is a big 10-12 oz. mug.  I've commandeered this mug.  It's missing a handle, but it's still usable.  I also fill up a travel mug that keeps my second serving warm until I finish my first.   I finish catching up on Facebook once I get to my computer while listening to indie folk radio on pandora.  I hope something catches my eye that I can write about.

When you write everyday about random topics that cross your mind and you don't want any repeats it can get difficult to find a topic.  But today I'll share about an experience that keeps happening in my basement.  I'm not sure many will believe that this happens, but I can't deny it.

The spooky creature stands
right there in the doorway and
just stares at me for a few seconds

When I look out the door of the studio, I can't see that far into the other part of the basement.  Due in part from the light of the computer screen and the tiny 25 watt light bulb providing light.  I keep a soft glow.  It's still enough to cause my eyes to not see well into the dark hallway.  Occasionally I'll hear little noises out there and glance out.  Nothing.  But every few days I'll hear a noise and there is a silhouette of short person with light colored and frazzled hair staring at me.

It about scares the shit out of me.

See, this short, frazzled hair creature has been visiting my wife upstairs as well.  Sometimes my wife tells her to go downstairs.  So she does. She's a quiet one.  Definitely not afraid of wandering down into dark spaces.  Thanks to her, now I am.  She just stands in the doorway until I turn and look at her.  I think she knows exactly what she's doing and enjoys every minute of it.  Once my heart calms and I realize who it is and what she came for.  Then, I gladly let my daughter snuggle up in my lap and help me finish my writing.

Sad that Death has to Happen for People to get Along

Isn't it though?  Do you remember 9/12?  Everyone was unified.  We were attacked (conspiracy theorists just hold off for a minute).  Terrorists took command of airplanes and committed one of the deadliest attacks on American ground.

Americans and foreigners alike came together and began to clean up and rebuild.  If Facebook was a thing, all the profile pictures would be changed to show solidarity with America.

I often wonder if there is so much division in America now because people crave conflict.  There is no common enemy to rally around.  Instead we create conflict amongst ourselves.  Every political post I see there doesn't seem to be any openness for communication.

Trump supporters call for unity.  How do you plan on rolling that out?  Seriously.  Give me the game plan.  How is America going to unite under a Trump Presidency?  I'll be waiting for an answer.  Forced unity doesn't count.

I saw a video of a guy minding his business in a cafe enjoying the free wi-fi.  He had on a shirt that said "Build the Wall".   A women of mexican origin came and confronted him.  I didn't watch the whole video, but she wasn't the most respectful.  Can I blame her?  Not really.  He just was wearing a shirt.  He has a right to that.  Just like people have the right to step on and burn the american flag.  Both should be able to peaceably do that.

So.  If you want unity.  Stop fighting.  Someone needs to take the high ground.  Listen to people.

Lastly,  don't get upset over Facebook conversations.  If you encounter a belligerent asshole, just ignore them.  You can respond.  But don't stoop to their level of incompetence to have a respectful conversation.  They are most likely responding not just to you, but to everyone in their life that has ever hurt them.  Especially if they don't know you.  They've just created you to be someone you are not and that's who they are responding to.   That's what happens on Facebook.

So America...you can keep on living like it's  9/10.  Or you can learn to start respecting each other and responding with empathy and compassion to those that are hurting.  Just because you don't understand their troubles, doesn't mean they aren't troubles.

Honestly though...I don't see President Elect Trump doing anything to unify people.  I see him saying "join my team or fuck off".  Just being honest.  And I see that message being repeated by many.....

Oh...you want a trophy? Here. Have this one for participating.

I want to talk about participation trophies.  I remember way back in elementary school at Jacksonville Elementary School in Walnut Bottom Pa. we would get participation ribbons for field day.  I hated them.  I think it was a cruel joke they played on the kids.  They knew it wouldn't make us feel good for participating, they knew it would be laughing at us constantly for not doing better and it would inspire us to train harder.  But lets be honest...nobody trains for field day.

I don't remember any other time I've gotten any other award for participation.  I'm not saying I didn't get any, I just don't remember.  I do remember the trophy I got for the Whirlybird rocket race in the 1st grade.  Number one baby.

There seems to be a big fuss about them though.  All these kids getting these awards today just for participating.  Lets just be careful not to blame this on the kids.  The kids aren't responsible for handing out the trophies.  The adults are.  Why?  Why do the adults think their kid should get a trophy just for participating?   I have a few theories.  Maybe those adults parents never congratulated them of affirmed them for the effort they put forth.  Fail or succeed.  Maybe their is a great hole inside that adult that needs filled, a hole that screams to be told they are enough.  And that even in their best attempts, their parents are proud of them for the effort they put forth.  Even if they didn't "win".  

If you aren't a fan of participation trophies, that's fine.  But I challenge you to reframe what you think about them.  Because in the game of life, we need people to participate.  Without participants, nobody would win.  Right?   Please, somebody show me some stats that say participation awards make kids unmotivated and lazy.  Maybe you ought to participate in being a parent and stop letting society raise your children.  I'VE NEVER MET A KID THAT WAS SATISFIED WITH A PARTICIPATION AWARD OR FELT ENTITLED TO ONE.   I've met several adults that have felt entitled.  You should see their office, filled with teeny trophies that said thanks for playing.  No.  Not even close.

Reward people for the value they have to the organization.  If all you did was participate, great!  Thank you!  Have a gift card! We need participants, otherwise none of us would be here!  But if you win, and you excelled, you should be rewarded for that too.  A much bigger award.  Create incentive.

What about the kid that's a competitor and gets a participation award.  Use that award to motivate them.  Ask the child what they think about the award.  Most likely they will say they wanted to win the big one.  So proudly display that participation award on the mantle and use it as motivation the next time your little champion wants to be lazy.

Don't bring your baggage from your parents into your childrens lives.

I got a little sticker this year that says "I voted".  Ok, I lied.  I didn't take one.  But I voted.  Almost 50% of registered voters didn't get a participation award sticker.   You might say your non vote was participating.  Was it?  Do tell.  Because I don't really think anyone in the gov't really gives a shit about your non vote.  The only thing that shakes things up, is voting for someone the gov't doesn't want in their offices.  That would require participation.  Seriously.  Are we still hearing about the 50% that didn't vote?  Has the government stopped and considered the non votes of those 50%?

Anyway, I'd like to see the winners get their trophies.  But if they didn't have anyone to compete against, they wouldn't be a winner would they?  So give participation awards.  Small ones.  Just as a thank you for playing.  I have yet to meet a child bitch and moan because they didn't get an award for playing.  So remember...next time you get a paycheck from your hard work to make someone else a shit ton of money, that's your participation award.