depression medicine

***UPDATE****1-11-15     This is a battle.  But I've realized that I was never depressed.  It was Anxiety.  Maybe.  Among many other things.  But Jesus.  Yeah.  Jesus.  He helps.  He heals. And several other factors as well.  I'm not longer medicated.  At this point.  I don't want to be, but if you do, that's ok.  But for me.  Jesus is helping me.  But seriously, I know this shit like the back of my hand and it ain't fun.  Depression and Anxiety can be paralyzing.  I know.  Take the next few words as part of my never ending story. 




Dead.  I feel like I am emotionally dead.  I don’t care.  Well, I do care.  But not about most of the things I once did.  I lack drive.  I have a deeper understanding of people who have slumped so low that they can’t pull themselves back up.  It happens fast.  Faster than you realized it and before you know it it’s too late.  It takes something strong to pull you back up.  It takes something other than yourself to continue and fight back from the pits of loneliness and depression. Other humans you see daily can rarely help.  They try and their efforts aren’t unnoticed but it’s deeper.  Someone can’t help you if you don’t even know what will help.  Sometimes you don’t even want help and your mind convinces you to stay mad, hurt and lonely.

Alive.  Writing these words makes me feel like there is a spark.  A glimmer of hope to a life that just hours ago tried to think  of a respectful way to off himself. Something worth holding onto.  Something of worth. Perhaps I am going through this storm to come out on the other side.  So I can be a life preserver for another.  So I can understand their thoughts and feelings when they can’t themselves.  

I wrote those words a few weeks ago.  Sunday, January 12 2013.  It was a dark day for me.  A day I need to share.  These weren't all the words I wrote that day, nor all the thoughts. I haven't read them since, until I started to write this. I am glad I went back, for that last part. To share what I went through and continue to go through in hopes that I can help another.  

I suffer from depression.  I never knew what it was.  I always mocked it in a way.  When someone said they were taking anti-depressants I would write them off as having a lack of will, or even a lack of faith. Someone that gave up and resorted to drugs to make them feel happy.  I thought happiness should come from within.  I thought....wrong. 

That sunday I didn't fight it.  I didn't try to fight my feelings.  I just sunk deep into a pit of worthlessness.  I stayed in the basement listening  to my pregnant wife and son laugh and play and it only made me feel worse. Why?  I went to bed early, and hoped my 2 year old son wouldn't come in and say goodnight and give me a hug.  Why?  Little things make me violently angry.  Why?  None of my friends or family had any idea how I was truly feeling.  Why?  I don't have all the answers.  I don't need the answers.  I just knew at that point, that wasn't normal.  Something wasn't right.  And I wanted it fixed.  Nothing I've tried offered a permanent fix.  Exercise helps, sure.  Working and accomplishing works, sure.  But try motivating yourself to do that when depression already has wrapped it's ugly grasp around you.  I went to the doctors, shared my story,  got diagnosed and am now taking anti-depressants.  Unfortunately not everyone goes the legal route and self medicates with other not so legal drugs in other ways.  Those ways don't often turn out so well.   

It is now August 12 2014, One day after we found out of the suicide of Robin Williams.  It seems that it's ok to talk about mental illness now.  Sad that it takes death for that to happen. 

My anger still plagued me for quite some time after starting medication.  Other aspects of my depression were eased, but I still found myself becoming angry.  I often times would punch something or break something.  Punching bags didn't work.  Something had to break.  Several times throughout my life this has been the norm.  I remember tearing all of my sisters articles and timeline of news story off of her door in a fit of rage, threatening/running away often, punching walls (which at one time ended in a broken hand), punched my truck once and left a dent, threw a remote and shattered it, threw one of Josiahs toys and broke it, punched a door clean off it's hinges and various other things.  Never punched a person, but used words pretty viciously.   I wanted that to stop.  So I met with a pastor at the church I attend and he offered some advice.  Routine and control.  My outbursts came when I realized I was losing control of a situation or person.  I used my anger to control them.  This rarely works and even if it did, it's not healthy.  I began to write more things down to free up some brain space.  Once I realized that a lack of control was the trigger to my anger, it has provided me with a little edge on being in control of myself when I can't control my surroundings.  

Between those tips, medications, exercise, staying active and a healthy diet I have taken an upper hand on this battle.  I share not for attention, but to hope that another will find comfort that they are not alone in their battle and others can empathize and get help from someone that understands.  I'm still in the middle of it, and glad that I'm not alone.  

Hike for Haiti Recap

Last year, a few members of Diakon Wilderness Center's Flight program had the opportunity to go on a trip to Haiti and spend a week volunteering their time with several children in 4 different orphanages.  Doing everything from building shelving to making jewelry.  Lives were changed that week.  This year, a few students have the opportunity to go again.  We recently held a 20 (18.5 actual) mile hike in an effort to raise funds for the life changing trip.   To the best of my ability I will try to recap some of the highs and lows from this journey.

The hike didn't start on Saturday August 9 2014.  For many it started much earlier, raising money, training (just kidding), mental preparation and even just deciding on whether to go or not.  For the students, the agreement was that in order to qualify for the trip, you must attend the Flight Hike Weekend.  One of our students was presented a last minute opportunity to go to Six Flags Amusement park.  He had a decision to make. A trip to Haiti was on the line as well as loyalty to his Flight brothers.  But Six Flags?  That would be a fun day!  Through much deliberation, he chose the hike.  And to his surprise, the trip to Six Flags ended up being rescheduled so he could go.  Call it what you will, but I see it as a reward for making a good decision. With every decision we make, their are consequences.  Sometimes good, sometimes bad.

As usual, the Friday or our hike we had to negotiate everyone's arrival time and travel arrangements.  These can sometimes be last minute, but we do everything we can to get any of the guys that want to come there. When a flight student comes to flight weekends, we have an opportunity to influence them to making better choices for their life.  Attendance is critical to success in the program. After a great dinner of sandwiches, hot dogs and sausages we settled in for a pre hike fire circle (this is our bi-weekly accountability time).  Afterwards, beds were made up and most of us had a great night sleep.

Saturday morning began a little chilly. Breakfast was light, watermelon, cantaloupe, pop tarts and cherries.  And off we went, starting at Pine Grove Furnace to finish in Boiling Springs Pa.  The first 2 miles of our hike was uphill followed by a long 6 mile downhill and 2 mile up and down to our lunch meeting point.  There were 9 of us.  The first ten miles were smooth, for most of us.  Flight Program director Matt is showing some signs of age and had to exit the hike halfway due to a knee injury.  Very proud of him for finishing the first ten with no verbal complaints at all.  However, his son Logan finished the hike for him completing all 18.5 miles.  That's how families work.  That's how Flight works.  Unfortunately, things in the program don't always go as well as you hope.  One of our students is currently battling with some drug issues.  He keeps coming to flight, but we can only do so much when dealing with an addiction.  He was caught in another lie and had to leave the hike at mid point.  This was not our decision, it was his.  The only time one is asked to leave Flight is if they refuse to make any attempt at forward progress or the choose to leave.  We can't always force people to stay.

Saturday afternoon, off we went.  From Sheet Iron Roof road to finish in Bubbletown.  We were fresh.  Had a water refill, gatorade and subs for lunch.  With slightly mixed emotions that two of our flight brothers were not with us.  The second half of the hike was ten fold more challenging.  More climbs, more descents, more mental battle's with ones self to continue forward.  One of members was dealing with strong mental battles about the physical abuse his body was taking, as well as the mental battles that come with that.  And I watched him power through fatigue, dehydration and a mile of leg cramps to finish strong.  The last mile brought so much joy to me watching him finish and know how hard he was pushing himself in all areas of his life this day.  I hope he remembers that feeling of finishing strong after well fought battle along the way.

One of the things we tried to do along the hike is stay together as a group.  Now, we had all types represented on this hike.  Some in better shape than others, some young, some older and all of us with at least one figurative thorn in our side.  So, one can understand the difficulty of either trying to keep up or trying to slow down.  That gets worse when you have 20 miles ahead of you.  You want to go at your pace. But we are group.  I watched as some of the students would walk ahead a ways, stop and wait.  And then we'd walk together for while and repeat that process.  You give and take.  Thought you'd like to see those walking ahead realize that it's a group effort and sometimes sacrifices need to be made, you can be happy that those guys are at least in fellowship with one another.  So we made a few exceptions, but at some point, usually about 18 miles in, emotions and mental clarity aren't always as sharp as they should be.  More to come on that though.  I watched one flight student join the faster group, but stop and wait more often than the others.  I could see his internal struggle of wanting to move faster, but also wanting to stay with the group.  At the end of the hike, he made a great decision by waiting for the slower group to finish together.  Very proud of this young man who has so much to offer and is working very hard to get himself out of the hole he dug himself in earlier in life.  And I noticed another flight member, who stayed with the slower group the whole time because he understands the value of moving at the groups pace.  I am very proud of this young man for challenging himself physically and mentally in many different ways.  I am also very thankful that he had the med kit!  If an injury happened, which they did, everyone could stay and help.  If there is a turn in the trail, we could turn as a group.  When part of the group is left behind, what if something should happen to them?  How long would those ahead realize that they lost some?

We pushed through The Devils Staircase, The Rock Maze, across Whiskey Springs Road and past Diakon's Wilderness Center up to Center Point Knob.   We (actually not "we" but one of us) encountered a HUGE rattlesnake as well as a hive of bees.  Unfortunately both these were found by the same person, both times when trying to find a convenient spot to poop.  Apparently doing a number two in the woods is often times inconvenient.  The descent from Center Point Knob, a 3 mile trek into Boiling Springs, proved to be one of the most difficult sections for some of us. Those struggles included cramping on one individual, patience with another, various aches and pains as well as mental battles as well.  With about 1.5 miles left to go at our last water fill up, Some of the group decided to move forward without the rest of the group.  This was disheartening to me that they did this.  But this is Flight, and we used every experience as a teaching moment.  There is seldom room for punishment inside of Flight.  It just doesn't jive well with the culture, nor does it really work.

 Two- thirds of us began our final stretch just behind the other two, our 7th hitched a ride back to the house.  When LeBron James pulls out in a championship game due to cramps, this seemed like a good option at the time for one of us as well.  And that is perfectly ok.   I decided that something had to be done about the two that went ahead, so with permission from the group I ran ahead to stop them so we could finish together.  As well as let them know that wasn't the best decision to leave without us.  I was able to catch a glimpse of them about a quarter mile ahead so I knew they weren't far.  When I got the bridge in Boiling Springs and hadn't found them yet, I began to worry.  They should be here.  I asked another hiking group where they were and they said they had seen them walking through the fields in the wrong direction.  Well, at this point in the hike that is the last thing that one wants to hear.  ESPECIALLY, when one of these students was in a situation just like this not long ago.  Fortunately, they had realized they were going to wrong way and met me as I was on my way back to find them and a confrontation happened.  It was strong, I admit.  And several emotions were at play.  But the recipient handled it well and didn't retaliate.  If I was talked to the way I had talked to him, I may have leveled myself at that point in the day!  But he didn't, and I am proud of him the way he responded.  The other flight member, who is newer understand that sometimes when you love and care about someone, you have to be strong with them sometimes.  When he saw the other student become stressed he reached out and put him arm around him.  I was also impressed at this show of compassion.  I learned a lot from this encounter about three people.  Myself being one of them.  Many things that could have been said and done differently, but ultimately, we talked through that experience and have grown deeper in our relationships with each other.  So even when things don't always go the way as planned, you can still learn and grow together.

We finished our hike to the bubble and those that wanted to soak for a minute in the 53 degree water did, and we moved on to my home where some wonderful Flight supporters and Matt had dinner waiting for us!  It was an excellent hike, challenging, rewarding and at some point it couldn't suck any worse.  But at the end of the day, we hiked for those children in Haiti who don't have it nearly as good as the worst of us.

Here is the GPS of our hike. Hike For Haiti

Against the Grain

Every other Saturday I have had the opportunity to trail run with a neat group of people.  The Narrow Path Runners.   We meet before the run and talk about the many things we can learn about God through nature.  It often times is not limited to God, but life, spirituality, unity, cooperation, humanity and so many other things.  Nothing in nature is stagnant, it's either in a process of living or dying.  This past Saturday I couldn't make it to the run, but wanted to share some thoughts on things I've learned through wood.  

Discarded pallets.  Old, splintered, left for dead.  Most people see a pile of scrap.  I see awesome.  I see potential.  I am sitting on a chair made from an old pallet and my computer is on a table made from an old pallet.  It's amazing that in just a few hours one can turn junk into something that many people would call beautiful.  And it's functional too.  New life from old. I won't connect the dots.  I'm certain you all can do that yourselves.  

There are many different types of wood on pallets.  Different grain as well.  But it's all wood.  Funny thing.  As different as all the types and grain of wood there is, when it's all put together it's beautiful.  It was beautiful before, but sometimes it takes a little refinement for others to see it.  Shame on us for not seeing the beauty before the refinement.  

What if the sapwood said to the wild grain, "We  can't be on the same table, we aren't alike".  Or if the curly said to the knot "You don't belong here, you have an imperfection".  That's just silly, wood can't talk.  But seriously, some of the most beautiful furniture is made of all different types of wood.  Some wood even has worm holes in it.  And people pay extra for that. 

We are all human.  That is our common denominator. What if we all stopped looking past the surface.  Looked for our similarities, how we can work together and get along.  Not just get along, but thrive. Perhaps than the surface will look that much more beautiful.  We may even start seeing smiling faces again.  

For those that were interested in buying this table....It's going to take a lot of convincing.  I'm falling in love with it.