Vulnerability is one of our biggest fears

Vulnerability is one of my biggest fears.  One of our biggest fears.  Perhaps it's because people will finally see the real you.  Or maybe it's that they already know the real you and they're just happy you admitted it.  Or maybe you're just afraid to admit the real you to someone other than you because that means how you feel about yourself might actually be true.

This needs to stop. 

I struggle everyday with feelings of worthlessness.  I do (or at least I think I do) a good job of hiding that.  And that's a bad thing.  Because now if you had me as this upstanding citizen in your mind and now you know that I have feelings of really low self worth it makes you feel like you may not be doing enough.  YOU ARE.  While you can help, it's note our fault.   Don't listen to the gremlins that tell you that you are not good enough.

I feel like I owe it to anyone that reads this to open up a little bit more about what I actually struggle with.  Because I don't think I'm alone.  And you need to know you aren't either.

The littlest thing can set off a wave of emotion.  Someone you feel seriously questioning your decisions as a father.  Even though you love your kids and try your hardest to be the best dad you can be, their comment brings up all the times you've failed.  And for some reason, that's all you can remember.

If you only know me from what you read on facebook and in my blog, you really don't know me.  There is only one person that I believe really knows me.  And 2 or 3 others that think they know me really well, but they only know what I let them know.  That's not to say I'm a bad person, I'm not.  It's just my way of staying in control.  But that doesn't work.  So I'm gonna try just being as honest as I can be.  Even when I'm in my most vulnerable moments.  Because I think we all need to be a little more open and honest with each other.  I think we need to share things in our most emotional state because if we wait and sleep it off we'll never share how we feel.  Those emotions come from somewhere, and we need to let them out.  They mean something.  They aren't always valid, but it helps to release them.

I've been accused of not paying enough attention to my family.  That I do to much work in Haiti, spend to much time running and that I don't provide enough for my family.  These accusations are made by someone that doesn't really know me, but it hurts more than anything.  Because they don't know I already struggle with extremely low self worth.  And their accusation makes me question what I thought I was doing good at.  And now the very things that bring me joy don't.   Now they produce guilt.    So when I joke about leaving my sleeping kids alone and going on a run and someone seriously asks if I'm joking or not, someone that should know me better, that hurts.  That really hurts.  That puts me in the place of questioning if they see something I don't.  That I really am a bad parent.  

See this downward spiral?  This isn't a cry for help.  This isn't a woe is me post.  I'll be fine.  I always have.  I've made it this far.  I'm still me.  I haven't been fake.  Ok, maybe I have been a little fake. I just haven't been completely honest and open about how I feel on the inside.  I don't think any of us have.  Even if we think we've been.

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry if I've unintentionally hurt anyone.  I'm sorry if you feel like I may have intentionally hurt you.  I really mean no harm.  And if it feels like I am coming across as harmful, it's usually because I'm trying to bring you down with the ship that I think I'm sailing.  And even that's not right of me.

I don't know where these feelings come from.  Quite honestly I don't care.  I just hope they stop.  But even if they don't, I hope I learn what is truth and what is not.  And I hope I can learn to raise my children up not having these same thoughts.  I want to be able to love my wife and kids better.  It's hard to do that when you don't love yourself.  It's a nightmare when one day you wake up and you realize you've been digging a hole for years and you are at the bottom of it.  And now you have to get out and you realize you can't get out as fast as you found yourself in it.

Don't let it be like this.

At the end of this...I'm still me.  I still love to laugh and have fun.  I still love to help others feel better about themselves.  I still love to do things for others.  I just need to stop pretending like I have it all together.  And I just need to stop typing and share this before I feel like I can't because I don't want people to know.  But I have to take that risk.  It might be a mistake....but at this point, might as well give it a shot. I just hope that I wasn't so good at convincing people I've got it all together that they don't believe me that these things really do exist in my head. 

Be real, be truthful, be loving, be caring, be understanding.