Wait.
I got the Christmas music feels this morning. There is a difference. Thanks to August Burns Red's version of "O Holy Night".
It made me tear up a little bit. Again, not sure if it was the amazing composure of the song done by ABR or the emotions of Christmas. It's hard to tell when it comes to music. It moves you. Think of Braveheart without the soundtrack, it just wouldn't be the same. But that's not what this blog is about.
I grew up with Christianity as our families belief. We went to church every Sunday and were involved in Wednesday night activities. I continued to go to church after I moved out and was on my own. Church and Christianity were always a part of my life. Until about 3 years ago. I can't really pinpoint exactly what made me begin to question this thing called Church and Christianity. It always felt good, until it didn't.
The holiday season is also more difficult when some of the best memories you had of them were from childhood. And when childhood memories no longer are the same as they once were, it doesn't help the situation much. The wounds may heal, but the scars remain. It's kinda like Harry Potter's scar. It doesn't always hurt, but when it hurts, it's crippling.I know I'm not the only one. And it's not something that is easy to process. There are so many different emotions involved in this. Sadness, anger, hurt, frustration, confusion, doubt, but rarely ever peace. You want to believe, but you can't.
For me I think I started using Sunday mornings for my long runs. These typically took me several hours to complete and was a form of "church" for me. But when the weather turned cold and I wasn't running anymore, I never went back. I stayed home and made music in the studio that I had put together in our garage. This was also like church to me. I wrote about the mental battles I was facing with much of that emotion reflected in the songs I wrote.
"I wish I had a hope, a wish or a dream that could manifest.
To escape this sorry life and run away, chase the setting sun so that the darkness stays away.
But it’s like a trap, the lights go out but I can’t say goodbye from the darkness of my life.
Metal chains have me locked up, bound and broken, crucified to this lie and I can’t. Breathe."
After several months to a year of this I realized that nothing really changed significantly as a result of not attending church. I did notice that nobody from the church I grew up in really noticed my absence either. There was a few, though. I can count them using fingers on one hand.
This was not an easy thing. There was a lot of turmoil both interior and exterior. My views of the world and humanity began to change. Celebrating things like Thanksgiving became harder knowing that it's not as "happy" as the picture is painted. Christmas and Easter are more difficult and you have to begin to look at them from a more secular view. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, many do it. But how you've celebrated these holidays for your entire existence is changing. It's hard to adjust from normal.
I still don't attend church. I've become a "Chreaster". I don't pray. I don't read the Bible. I don't really buy into christianity or the American Church anymore. Even though the many in the church I would attend if I attended say that even if Jesus and Christianity wasn't real they'd still be the same people and love people the same. I believe them. But to attend you have to believe the same "thing" they believe or you won't really fit in. It's tough. Because many of them would say I could. But I can't.
Yet.
This morning I also heard a the song, "What Child is This?" by Future of Forestry. Also a spectacular song. August Burns Red has a pretty amazing version too.
But, Jesus.
I still cling to hope that Jesus was a real person. Besides, other religions point to Jesus. He must be real. And from what I read, Jesus was a rebel. He came to flip religion on its head. He came to love. He came to live. He came to die. And I believe Jesus loved people so much that he couldn't bear the amount of people that were being killed via crucifixion, so many that they ran out of trees, that he said....
"Me Too"
This is the time of year his birth is celebrated. Can I get behind that? Who is Jesus? I'd ask him, but even Jesus himself asked the question. He asked his disciples what others said who he was. He asked his disciples who they thought he was. Did Jesus even know the depths that he would impact the world?
This Christmas I want to gain an understanding of who Jesus was. Not on an emotional or spiritual level, but a biographical study of the person of Jesus. What if Jesus didn't want a religion behind him? What if he didn't want billions of dollars tied up in religious buildings and other offerings? How will we ever know? More has been written about Jesus in the past 20 years than in the previous 2000.
I guess maybe the best thing I can do is to be the best me I know how to be. I think that's what Jesus would be.
I was hoping writing this out would bring some clarity. I was hoping it would bring me to some new level of peace with my beliefs. But as I'm wrapping up, I realized that I was already there.
And I am always reminded that when writing blogs like this, why people end up writing books instead.
No comments:
Post a Comment