A Simple Apology, Living in Shame.

It's been awhile since I've sat behind a keyboard and tried to gather my thoughts.  It's helpful when you have a weekly podcast to discuss what's on your mind as well.  

I will warn you, this post has brief talks about suicide.  Just in case you are sensitive to that.  

I don't know how many know this or not, but I'm pretty much an atheist at this point.  I grew up in a home where we regularly went to church and most of the rest of our extended family was a Christian as well.  I was involved in all the Christian clubs and youth group.  I was even in a "christian punk rock" band.  I preached from stage.  Up into my 20's and early 30's I was very faithful and believed.  Regardless of what happened in my life up to that point. 

But then things happened.  I can't remember what it was specifically.  But a variety of things that really challenged my beliefs.  Long story short....I think the common salvation based christianity is pretty barbaric. 

Let me explain my cliff notes version.  There is a God of the universe that created all things.  This God had a few rules.  But God got mad when people strayed.  This one time God flooded the world and killed nearly all of humanity because God was so angry at the people.  God only saved a few "worthy ones".  And this wasn't the only time God had people killed either.  When his creations misbehaved he simply punished them.  

But God couldn't stand it.  God needed some way to settle his emotions.  So God created a perfect son, Jesus, and had him killed as a sacrifice so God could feel better about the people.  And as long as people believed in Jesus, they could live forever in Heaven.  Otherwise...you can go to hell.  Where you'll burn forever, you heathen.  

And then there are people that teach this, in a more child friendly fashion, to elementary aged children.  But even then, what message is being sent?  When adults don't really understand "sin", how do you expect a child to understand what sin is?  And what happens, is that you may have children internalizing that they are bad and that someone had to die because they were bad?  

And not only that, they get papers that tell them nothing they can do that is good will save them, only the good that Jesus did.  And then you start talking about Jesus being raised from the dead?  Is that possible?  Because you are in elementary school, you're still learning after all.  I digress.....

Enter my amazing, smart, sweet, caring, and kind son.  Who heard a message recently and told us that after he heard it, it made him feel like he needed to kill himself for all the bad things (sin) he has done.  Thankfully he was smart enough to know that didn't make sense, and he didn't think the speaker really meant it that way.  But that was his takeaway.  

Now imagine confronting the speaker about that, and having them tell you that your son definitely missed something in the message.  That it was his fault.  Not a simple, I'm sorry.  I've never had that happen before.  Tell me more so I can pivot if need be and make sure it never happens again.  

Suicidal thoughts are serious.  Even if you didn't intent to give them.  You need to take it seriously.  Even if it's just one person.  

Christians always talk about if they can reach just one person, it was all worth it.  Well, what if you got a little carried away with your message that maybe you took it too far.  And you have a 9 year old commit suicide because they felt so guilty about their sins.  Especially when they find out someone else had to die because they were sinning.  

I'm sure Christians will all disagree that we need to stop preaching to kids.  They're kids for crying out loud.  Any "sins" they commit are because we as adults created that environment.  

Think about this, could you imagine Jesus responding that way.  Jesus loved children, the least of these.  I'm sure in his mind they were blameless.  What if someone came to Jesus and said their son felt like he needed to kill himself because you told him about sins.  How do you think Jesus would respond?  Do you think he'd brush it off and blame the child for not understanding right?  I find that hard to believe.  

I just don't even understand Christianity anymore.  There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that would make me believe in any type of religion. 

But at the same time, I understand some peoples need to believe in something.  It can bring comfort.  It's helped many people when they didn't know what else to do, to believe in something more powerful than they are.  Whatever that may be.  And I think there is something understandable there.  

Here's what I believe, kids don't need to be preached to about salvation, death on a cross (barbaric), resurrection, or anything like that.  Do you know what Jesus preached?  Love.  Forgiveness.  Grace. 

Kids need to see examples of adults that are honest and do the right thing. Adults that are even tempered and respond with grace and kindness.  They need to know that no matter what happens or what they do, that they have someone in their corner that can help them.  I'm constantly working on that myself.  

We don't need kids feeling ashamed of their mistakes, hiding them, and internalizing them.  Because right now, I think we have the large majority of adult christians hiding and living in shame of their mistakes, afraid to share them with anyone for fear of ridicule and more shame.  

Lastly, (who am I kidding, there's always more), Christians need to stop living as though it's their sole purpose to go around and add to your personal list of "lives that have come to Christ through my preaching".  Just stop.  I think it was words of Saint Francis of Assisi, "Preach the Gospel at all time, if necessary, use words."  Just love people.  That is all.  You don't have to talk to do that.  Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen and empathize.  YOU are good regardless.  YOU are enough.  

Believe it or not, I wrote this out of love.  Well, most of it anyway.  

Just Give Me Something to Believe In

I'm not struggling.  I'm sort of indifferent.  I'm confused. 

There's covid deaths continuing to rise and I know local hospitals are still full of covid patients.  I know it's a real thing.  I know people are dying. 

But there are many other things that just keep me in a state of not knowing just how serious to believe the main stream media and all things covid. 

I have a lot of smart friends that love diving into research and holding standard healthcare dogma accountable.  They take the common narrative and try to figure out if it truly is accurate.  And some of the things they find leave you scratching their head.  A lot of what we've been told, isn't exactly a representation of truth.  Like "bad" cholesterol for example.  But that's another story.  

But I've seen and read enough to know that not everything that comes from "authority" is true.  

Part of me just wants to go with the flow.  Sure, I'll wear a mask, continue to social distance, take proper precautions, etc.  But it's really starting to weigh on me mentally and emotionally.   Part of me kind of just wants it all to be true.  Just let the vaccine do it's thing and we'll be back to normal in no time.  

But then again, normal is part of the reason covid was so bad to begin with.  Normal meant that not everyone truly trusts in the government or the healthcare or sickcare system.  Or potentially worse is that they trust them blindly. Normal is that nearly 75% of adults over 18 in the US is either overweight or obese (30% overweight, 43% obese).  6 in 10 Americans have at least one chronic disease and 4 in 10 have 2.  And the majority of those disease, are caused and managed by lifestyle choices.  

Normal isn't that healthy.  

I recently read that the WHO determined the cycle count for the PCR test for covid was too sensitive.  And that created a large amount of false positives.  So they reduced it which will likely lead to a lower amount of positive cases, at the same time the vaccine is rolled out.  Coincidence?  

Let alone that we know vitamin d levels are crucial for overall health, and to lessen covid symptoms.  But nary a word about that from the powers that be.  You'd think it would be headlines on all the major outlets.  

I get it though.  It's a new virus.  

It's just very confusing.  

I'm landing somewhere in the middle.  I think most people desperately need something to believe in.  Regardless of it's true or not.  As long as they believe it's true, it's ok with them.   I think way to many people, myself included, will choose to believe something before they fully vet the thing they choose to believe in.  

I see this in the foundation of religion.  People desperately needed something to believe in.  So they created something to believe in.  And when you get massive amounts of people to believe in something, you get control.  

Control may have not really been your goal, but it is a result.  And when you realize you have control....you want more.  

Anyway.  Just some thoughts over the past couple days.  

I just want to go spend time with friends and not have to worry about catching this "covid" and being forced to take even more time off work and cause my kids to miss even more school.  I want to be able to smile at people.  I want to be able to have dinner with others and celebrate life.  

I'm worried that vaccines will become mandatory for certain portions of society when they have yet to prove whether they actually work or not.  

Like I said...just me thinking.