You're SO Vain

     Oh. My. God.  Becky, look at that butt.  Sorry, could resist a bit of mix a lot. But seriously, growing up my parents were a bit legalistic when it came to words.  For example, when we played Super Mario Bros. on the original NES we couldn't say that Mario died.  But that he got caught.  We couldn't say shut up, even though yelling BE QUIET had the same undertone.  Oh my God couldn't even be replaced with oh my gosh.  Yes..we resorted to Oh My Goodness.   In first grade I was in the cafeteria after school with my mom and sister at Jacksonville Elementary School in Walnut Bottom Pennsylvania.  That is were I said damn for the first time that I can remember.  But, this blog isn't about cuss words.  I already wrote that one.  This one is about taking the Lords name in vain.  Most people think that all this entails is a phrase like OMG, Oh My God or God Damn it.  I don't think so, not anymore.

meme taken without permission (sorry, it was on the internet) from religiouscomics.net

     So yeah...that's pretty much my blog.  To elaborate just a bit.  I know about the bible.  I read the bible.  I also try to do a lot of digging about what certain passages mean.  Like looking up hebrew texts and original words and the different ways to translate.  Often times the current translation is just a snapshot of a much bigger picture of what the author was trying to relay.  I think if we try to read the NIV or the message and know what God intended is taking the Lords name in vain.  Speaking on God's behalf is taking the Lords name in vain.  We may be right, but we may be wrong.  We really don't know for sure 100%.

     This came up as I was talking to a friend about our views on things like LGBT, pacifism, politics etc.  But basically the concept of sin.   I have developed some pretty progressive views and have an idea of an incredibly gracious and merciful God and savior.  While I respected his viewpoints, since I used to live in that camp, he asked me a question.  What if you're wrong?  And you lead people away from Christ instead of to Him.  My initial response was to ask him the same thing.  But my reply was simple.  If it's me or them, let it be me for them.  Like Christ did.  I would hope that if I was following my heart and led another astray, when we would meet God he would look upon them with mercy.  It was I that took the Lords name in vain, not them.  Let them spend eternity with God and do whatever I deserve to me.

      So that's what I think about when I hear don't take the Lords name in vain.  There will be a part two of this blog.  I could write it now.  But I'll let this sit for awhile. As always, I may be wrong.  But I have to follow my heart and my mind.

Trust the River

As most of you know I was at the wild goose festival this past weekend in hot springs North Carolina. It was an amazing weekend. 

I heard a story from Michael Gungor about his journey recently and it really struck a chord. He used the metaphor of hanging onto a branch in a river that was trying to sweep him away. The branch represented his childhood/youth beliefs. The things he was raised on. He was the guy that invited the rest of the youth to his house to sing worship songs. Very much your typical fundamentalist church stuff. Do not question anything. But here he found himself, questioning. And the church (very recently) wasn't to kind.  The river was a new way of thinking. The unknown. But he struggled to let go of the branch. This wrestling took him to a place of deep depression. I know this struggle well. Too well. It wasn't until he let go of the branch that he realized the river was God. And that the river (God) was going to show him a world he never saw before. The river said that if you hold onto the branch you'll never see God in his fullness. A God that is rarely seen inside of a box. Let go. Trust the River. It's fantastic. You learn to love without condition. You learn to recognize people and not just projects. You see hurts and pains instead of making judgements and condemnation.  And yes, I'm taking some artistic liberty in describing the river. So there you have it. And the goose is a Celtic symbol of unpredictability, beauty and grace. And Steve at hammer and nail is fantastic. 

For SKUBALA's Sake!!!

*just to clarify.  this is me talking, thinking outloud.  This is an invite into my mind. MY mind.  I don't represent any other entity nor do my thoughts represent the views of any church or ministry. 

This post has been a couple weeks in the making.  I thought today would be a good day for it.  

 Lets begin with a bible lesson. Philippians 3:8.  You're all probably like..."WTF (this stands for With Total Faith in case you were wondering) Jon's actually using the bible..."  Yes.  Yes I am.  -What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ.

Garbage, dung are among the words that came from Pauls original use of the term "skabula."  The actual word translates to shit.   Paul used some pretty strong language here to make a point.  Now, I'm not saying this passage condones the use of foul language.  But if it is used, we shouldn't be surprised.    There are several others that point out that crude jokes and obscene talk shouldn't be spoken.  These are often followed up with something like extending thanksgiving or building each other up.  Guess what?  I don't think these passages are talking about shit, ass, crap (oh wait, you say that one?),  damn and even fuck.  Why?  Because I read it on the internet.  AND that I think the writer is referring to harsh words spoken to or about another.  Gossip and slander.  Calling someone names that belittles and humiliates a person.  I think it's more about being kind to one another with our words.  So yes, if someone uses these words to hurt or belittle someone I'm not ok with that.  But not because of your choice of words, but the fact you're being a dick.  Oops...I think I just sinned because I  called someone that makes fun of someone a dick.   And obviously that's not the way to respond to someone that's hurtful.  So next time you read a Matt Walsh blog, encourage him to continue to keep listening to his heart and not his head instead of wishing death upon him. 


Which brings me to this.  2 weeks ago I read a post by a former Assemblies of God pastor.  It spoke of being depressed and feeling down,  (Which are situational, but you could also have undiagnosed depression too).   Quoted some passages from Jeremiah and said you need to sing praises to the lord in those times you are in a dark place.  Well, here was my response.  And a few days later I was sent a private message being asked to remove the foul langauge.  I did, because I care about the message I gave.  He's got a big following and I know it resonated with someone.  Which he agreed.  We had good conversation, but still didn't like the words.  Here was my response to his original post.






I love those moments when I can be honest with God.  I feel most intimate with him when I can speak my thoughts freely.  Just Saturday, I had a fantastic time with some fantastic people. Then sunday rolled around.  I hit a dark place of depression (that I struggle with and have for many years despite prayer and faith).  That story is for another day.  I was sick of it on sunday.  I haven't been that close to thinking about what it would be like to end it.  But there are to many things in this life that are keeping me alive.  I hurt for those that don't win that battle.  But I got in my truck to go on a drive to clear my head and the first words were...."F YOU GOD.  Why are you such an ahole?"  (Edited out of respect for those not wishing to read those words) And a variety of other words.  And I've never felt so close at that moment.  It was like God said thanks for being honest with your feelings.  I wasn't praising him, I was using him for a punching bag.    I get very upset and discouraged when I hear talk of just going to God and praising him when you are in dark place. That you need to strengthen your faith and remember that God is almighty!  Well, he may be.  But that is incredibly hurtful to someone that has been a devout Christian their whole life and still struggles with depression.     

Now, I understand that you may actually be talking about an emotion and not an illness.  But sometimes it's hard to tell a difference.  

Thanks for listening to my thoughts on this topic.  I do appreciate the encouragement this post Pastor Wayde may give some.  But I couldn't keep my mouth shut on how I hear it.


We'll I'm sorry, if you get offended or upset by a word that isn't being directed at another human and is merely a description.  I would suggest doing some searching into why?  I mean, Paul did it.  And many today heed his words over Jesus.   Please don't judge people by the language they use, if any judgement is done judge them on how they treat dogs.  Just kidding.  Judge them on how they treat others.  Are they encouraging?  Welcoming? Friendly?  Honest? Truthful?   Or are the critical? Condemning?  Full of complaints without solutions?

Some food for thought this afternoon.

And while everyone is so damn captivated.  What if you're wrong in thinking homosexuality is a sin and you are adamant that it's a sin?  You've just made the life of any homosexual incredibly difficult, stressful and depressing with your condescending attitude.  And that was their one life.  And you ruined it.   What if you're right?  Well, no one is listening to you anyhow with that attitude.   So if you don't mind...SHUT THE F....ront door called your mouth.  And even if you aren't sure, that's ok.  Isn't God big enough to deal with it?  Just love.  And stop worrying about the small stuff.

Holy fu*# (profanity alert)

So I had a thought this morning. Wanted to get some feedback. But I didn't want it on a Facebook comment. So I'd give people the option of coming here instead.

Yesterday when I about stepped on the four foot black snake I jumped about ten feet in the air, startled me more than anything, and shouted "Holy fucking shitballs batman!"  

Whoa. Pretty intense for a snake. But there is a scientific explanation for the language in a situation like that. 

BUT! There are people (fundamentalists and some other Christians) that would get all bent out of shape that I used that language. They would spend more time complaining and arguing how bad it was then the time it took me to say them and help the defenseless black snake across the trail.  

I didn't belittle anyone by saying them, so what's the problem? Do you care more about the words someone says then their well being? 

seriously, if you read all of these, don't read this one

I wrote this a few weeks ago.  But it still resonates.

Alive to the lies

the lies that give birth to hurt inside of me

akin to the tumor of self depreciation

and the depths of loneliness

So many fears

fears in a state of unforgiveness

trapped in a chasm of hatred

    hatred of self  

Fuck the past.

Fuck the pain.

Fuck the hurts.

Life moves fast

a fast train only moving one way

it would be nice if we could stop

slow down and be still just jump

off

Vulnerability is one of our biggest fears

Vulnerability is one of my biggest fears.  One of our biggest fears.  Perhaps it's because people will finally see the real you.  Or maybe it's that they already know the real you and they're just happy you admitted it.  Or maybe you're just afraid to admit the real you to someone other than you because that means how you feel about yourself might actually be true.

This needs to stop. 

I struggle everyday with feelings of worthlessness.  I do (or at least I think I do) a good job of hiding that.  And that's a bad thing.  Because now if you had me as this upstanding citizen in your mind and now you know that I have feelings of really low self worth it makes you feel like you may not be doing enough.  YOU ARE.  While you can help, it's note our fault.   Don't listen to the gremlins that tell you that you are not good enough.

I feel like I owe it to anyone that reads this to open up a little bit more about what I actually struggle with.  Because I don't think I'm alone.  And you need to know you aren't either.

The littlest thing can set off a wave of emotion.  Someone you feel seriously questioning your decisions as a father.  Even though you love your kids and try your hardest to be the best dad you can be, their comment brings up all the times you've failed.  And for some reason, that's all you can remember.

If you only know me from what you read on facebook and in my blog, you really don't know me.  There is only one person that I believe really knows me.  And 2 or 3 others that think they know me really well, but they only know what I let them know.  That's not to say I'm a bad person, I'm not.  It's just my way of staying in control.  But that doesn't work.  So I'm gonna try just being as honest as I can be.  Even when I'm in my most vulnerable moments.  Because I think we all need to be a little more open and honest with each other.  I think we need to share things in our most emotional state because if we wait and sleep it off we'll never share how we feel.  Those emotions come from somewhere, and we need to let them out.  They mean something.  They aren't always valid, but it helps to release them.

I've been accused of not paying enough attention to my family.  That I do to much work in Haiti, spend to much time running and that I don't provide enough for my family.  These accusations are made by someone that doesn't really know me, but it hurts more than anything.  Because they don't know I already struggle with extremely low self worth.  And their accusation makes me question what I thought I was doing good at.  And now the very things that bring me joy don't.   Now they produce guilt.    So when I joke about leaving my sleeping kids alone and going on a run and someone seriously asks if I'm joking or not, someone that should know me better, that hurts.  That really hurts.  That puts me in the place of questioning if they see something I don't.  That I really am a bad parent.  

See this downward spiral?  This isn't a cry for help.  This isn't a woe is me post.  I'll be fine.  I always have.  I've made it this far.  I'm still me.  I haven't been fake.  Ok, maybe I have been a little fake. I just haven't been completely honest and open about how I feel on the inside.  I don't think any of us have.  Even if we think we've been.

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry if I've unintentionally hurt anyone.  I'm sorry if you feel like I may have intentionally hurt you.  I really mean no harm.  And if it feels like I am coming across as harmful, it's usually because I'm trying to bring you down with the ship that I think I'm sailing.  And even that's not right of me.

I don't know where these feelings come from.  Quite honestly I don't care.  I just hope they stop.  But even if they don't, I hope I learn what is truth and what is not.  And I hope I can learn to raise my children up not having these same thoughts.  I want to be able to love my wife and kids better.  It's hard to do that when you don't love yourself.  It's a nightmare when one day you wake up and you realize you've been digging a hole for years and you are at the bottom of it.  And now you have to get out and you realize you can't get out as fast as you found yourself in it.

Don't let it be like this.

At the end of this...I'm still me.  I still love to laugh and have fun.  I still love to help others feel better about themselves.  I still love to do things for others.  I just need to stop pretending like I have it all together.  And I just need to stop typing and share this before I feel like I can't because I don't want people to know.  But I have to take that risk.  It might be a mistake....but at this point, might as well give it a shot. I just hope that I wasn't so good at convincing people I've got it all together that they don't believe me that these things really do exist in my head. 

Be real, be truthful, be loving, be caring, be understanding. 
 

Langauge. Definition. Power.

 PRE-SCRIPT - I'm not claiming to be right.  I'm not claiming perfection.  You all know my blogs are a journey into my brain and how I think.    I know I do things that I rail against on occasion.  Oh...and there might be some words you may not like in here.  Just a heads up.

I had a conversation today with someone whose opinions and viewpoints I value highly.  We were talking about foul language. And really, what makes it foul.  And if it is appropriate or inappropriate.  So yes, there will be words used in this blog that you might not be used to hearing from me.  I choose not to think much about those words, but try my best to be respectful of others and the audience I am around.  I try, but it's hard for me to understand why a word could be so bad to someone.  I understand in the case of calling someone a name and being rude to someone.  I don't agree with that at all.  I try to be peaceful with everyone if possible and think the best of them.  So I don't see a need to call names. I think the reason many people think these words are offensive stems from what they were taught.  So if you disagree with me, I get that.  I understand.  And it's ok. 

Growing up, I wasn't allowed to say Mario "died" while playing nintendo.  He got caught.  I wasn't allowed to say fart, shut up or crap.  Toot, be quiet and poop was acceptable.  They all mean the same things.  I think I grew up resentful that I couldn't say crap when it meant the same thing as poop.  Like the word piss, right Tony? 

I certainly hope no one makes a judgement about the content of ones character based on the language that they use.   To some, words are words.  They don't know any different.  That way I choose to ignore a word if someone uses it and I don't like it.  There is one exception to this rule.  We all know what it is.  It starts with N.  I have a zero tolerance policy on that one.   I do think that was a valid point.  If someone who doesn't know me hears me say the word shit, for example, it might turn them off and they won't hear anything else I say.  Because to them it's not appropriate.  I get that.  But they shouldn't allow a word to hold that much weight.  We will always offend someone whether we intend to or not.  But we can choose to be offended or not.  

I have some other points and I've discussed this previously.  It's a conversation that happens a lot actually. There have even been a few people that have called me out based on a few colorful words I've said on facebook.  What about replacements?  When it's 5 degrees outside.... The shiver....It's so freakin cold out!  You could say that at a church retreat.  But drop the f bomb and it's like you dropped the A bomb.  To me, they are one in the same.  In that context.  Forgot something after you are a mile down the road and it's second nature to let out an audible "CRAAAAAP!".  But you'd never say shit.  That would be bad.  I know what you're thinking...."That's a bunch of bull."  Why didn't you finish it?  Even if you audibly say FINISH IT, you said shit.  It's the same as poop or crap. 

*This is my dream world section*   I'm still not saying I'm ok with a bunch of 4 year olds going around using words like this.  But then again....who makes them bad words?  They certainly don't.  What if instead of teaching what words are bad we stopped making those words bad.  Punching someone in the face.  That's bad.  Date rape, that's bad.  Any rape, that's bad too.  Treating people as property, that's bad.  What if a child said, "daddy, there's a shit in my diaper!"?  What if we treated that the same as if he said poop?     I believe that could happen.  But I'm not holding my breath.  

At the end of the day, I don't really care what words you use.  It's not until you'd use those words in a derogatory way at another person where I draw the line.  But I'd also draw the line if you were mean to another person and you didn't use "those" words either.   So basically....it still doesn't matter what words you use.  It all comes down to how you treat people.  While you may have a responsibility to use certain words depending on your audience, the audience also has a responsibility to not judge someone based upon the words they use.   We are more than our words.  We are more than our appearance.