A Simple Apology, Living in Shame.

It's been awhile since I've sat behind a keyboard and tried to gather my thoughts.  It's helpful when you have a weekly podcast to discuss what's on your mind as well.  

I will warn you, this post has brief talks about suicide.  Just in case you are sensitive to that.  

I don't know how many know this or not, but I'm pretty much an atheist at this point.  I grew up in a home where we regularly went to church and most of the rest of our extended family was a Christian as well.  I was involved in all the Christian clubs and youth group.  I was even in a "christian punk rock" band.  I preached from stage.  Up into my 20's and early 30's I was very faithful and believed.  Regardless of what happened in my life up to that point. 

But then things happened.  I can't remember what it was specifically.  But a variety of things that really challenged my beliefs.  Long story short....I think the common salvation based christianity is pretty barbaric. 

Let me explain my cliff notes version.  There is a God of the universe that created all things.  This God had a few rules.  But God got mad when people strayed.  This one time God flooded the world and killed nearly all of humanity because God was so angry at the people.  God only saved a few "worthy ones".  And this wasn't the only time God had people killed either.  When his creations misbehaved he simply punished them.  

But God couldn't stand it.  God needed some way to settle his emotions.  So God created a perfect son, Jesus, and had him killed as a sacrifice so God could feel better about the people.  And as long as people believed in Jesus, they could live forever in Heaven.  Otherwise...you can go to hell.  Where you'll burn forever, you heathen.  

And then there are people that teach this, in a more child friendly fashion, to elementary aged children.  But even then, what message is being sent?  When adults don't really understand "sin", how do you expect a child to understand what sin is?  And what happens, is that you may have children internalizing that they are bad and that someone had to die because they were bad?  

And not only that, they get papers that tell them nothing they can do that is good will save them, only the good that Jesus did.  And then you start talking about Jesus being raised from the dead?  Is that possible?  Because you are in elementary school, you're still learning after all.  I digress.....

Enter my amazing, smart, sweet, caring, and kind son.  Who heard a message recently and told us that after he heard it, it made him feel like he needed to kill himself for all the bad things (sin) he has done.  Thankfully he was smart enough to know that didn't make sense, and he didn't think the speaker really meant it that way.  But that was his takeaway.  

Now imagine confronting the speaker about that, and having them tell you that your son definitely missed something in the message.  That it was his fault.  Not a simple, I'm sorry.  I've never had that happen before.  Tell me more so I can pivot if need be and make sure it never happens again.  

Suicidal thoughts are serious.  Even if you didn't intent to give them.  You need to take it seriously.  Even if it's just one person.  

Christians always talk about if they can reach just one person, it was all worth it.  Well, what if you got a little carried away with your message that maybe you took it too far.  And you have a 9 year old commit suicide because they felt so guilty about their sins.  Especially when they find out someone else had to die because they were sinning.  

I'm sure Christians will all disagree that we need to stop preaching to kids.  They're kids for crying out loud.  Any "sins" they commit are because we as adults created that environment.  

Think about this, could you imagine Jesus responding that way.  Jesus loved children, the least of these.  I'm sure in his mind they were blameless.  What if someone came to Jesus and said their son felt like he needed to kill himself because you told him about sins.  How do you think Jesus would respond?  Do you think he'd brush it off and blame the child for not understanding right?  I find that hard to believe.  

I just don't even understand Christianity anymore.  There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that would make me believe in any type of religion. 

But at the same time, I understand some peoples need to believe in something.  It can bring comfort.  It's helped many people when they didn't know what else to do, to believe in something more powerful than they are.  Whatever that may be.  And I think there is something understandable there.  

Here's what I believe, kids don't need to be preached to about salvation, death on a cross (barbaric), resurrection, or anything like that.  Do you know what Jesus preached?  Love.  Forgiveness.  Grace. 

Kids need to see examples of adults that are honest and do the right thing. Adults that are even tempered and respond with grace and kindness.  They need to know that no matter what happens or what they do, that they have someone in their corner that can help them.  I'm constantly working on that myself.  

We don't need kids feeling ashamed of their mistakes, hiding them, and internalizing them.  Because right now, I think we have the large majority of adult christians hiding and living in shame of their mistakes, afraid to share them with anyone for fear of ridicule and more shame.  

Lastly, (who am I kidding, there's always more), Christians need to stop living as though it's their sole purpose to go around and add to your personal list of "lives that have come to Christ through my preaching".  Just stop.  I think it was words of Saint Francis of Assisi, "Preach the Gospel at all time, if necessary, use words."  Just love people.  That is all.  You don't have to talk to do that.  Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen and empathize.  YOU are good regardless.  YOU are enough.  

Believe it or not, I wrote this out of love.  Well, most of it anyway.  

Just Give Me Something to Believe In

I'm not struggling.  I'm sort of indifferent.  I'm confused. 

There's covid deaths continuing to rise and I know local hospitals are still full of covid patients.  I know it's a real thing.  I know people are dying. 

But there are many other things that just keep me in a state of not knowing just how serious to believe the main stream media and all things covid. 

I have a lot of smart friends that love diving into research and holding standard healthcare dogma accountable.  They take the common narrative and try to figure out if it truly is accurate.  And some of the things they find leave you scratching their head.  A lot of what we've been told, isn't exactly a representation of truth.  Like "bad" cholesterol for example.  But that's another story.  

But I've seen and read enough to know that not everything that comes from "authority" is true.  

Part of me just wants to go with the flow.  Sure, I'll wear a mask, continue to social distance, take proper precautions, etc.  But it's really starting to weigh on me mentally and emotionally.   Part of me kind of just wants it all to be true.  Just let the vaccine do it's thing and we'll be back to normal in no time.  

But then again, normal is part of the reason covid was so bad to begin with.  Normal meant that not everyone truly trusts in the government or the healthcare or sickcare system.  Or potentially worse is that they trust them blindly. Normal is that nearly 75% of adults over 18 in the US is either overweight or obese (30% overweight, 43% obese).  6 in 10 Americans have at least one chronic disease and 4 in 10 have 2.  And the majority of those disease, are caused and managed by lifestyle choices.  

Normal isn't that healthy.  

I recently read that the WHO determined the cycle count for the PCR test for covid was too sensitive.  And that created a large amount of false positives.  So they reduced it which will likely lead to a lower amount of positive cases, at the same time the vaccine is rolled out.  Coincidence?  

Let alone that we know vitamin d levels are crucial for overall health, and to lessen covid symptoms.  But nary a word about that from the powers that be.  You'd think it would be headlines on all the major outlets.  

I get it though.  It's a new virus.  

It's just very confusing.  

I'm landing somewhere in the middle.  I think most people desperately need something to believe in.  Regardless of it's true or not.  As long as they believe it's true, it's ok with them.   I think way to many people, myself included, will choose to believe something before they fully vet the thing they choose to believe in.  

I see this in the foundation of religion.  People desperately needed something to believe in.  So they created something to believe in.  And when you get massive amounts of people to believe in something, you get control.  

Control may have not really been your goal, but it is a result.  And when you realize you have control....you want more.  

Anyway.  Just some thoughts over the past couple days.  

I just want to go spend time with friends and not have to worry about catching this "covid" and being forced to take even more time off work and cause my kids to miss even more school.  I want to be able to smile at people.  I want to be able to have dinner with others and celebrate life.  

I'm worried that vaccines will become mandatory for certain portions of society when they have yet to prove whether they actually work or not.  

Like I said...just me thinking.  

An Ounce of Prevention

 Benjamin Franklin coined the phrase "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure".  But before we dive into that I want to share a story.  

This morning I was watching (as my daughter likes to call it) YTF.  It's actually WITF.  There is a show about young super heroes.  In this episode the "Rubber Band Robby" has a problem.  When he stretches out too far, he gets pulled back into a rubber ball and bounces around all over the place.  The team uses their "superpowers of science" to solve the problem.  So they went to work figuring out a way to keep Robby from bouncing around should in fact he get pulled back into a rubber ball.  

Quite frankly I'm a little pissed that this is what our kids are being taught what science is.  That's not science.  That's business.  Solve a problem and sell it.  Science would be figuring out why he turns into a bouncing ball when he stretches too far.  

Common sense says, geez Robby, maybe not just stretch yourself out so far.  Instead, they make it so Robby can do something he probably shouldn't do as long as you wear this foam suit. 

And all I could think about was todays pharmaceutical industry.  Go ahead Robby, eat whatever you want, get as stressed as you want, don't sleep, don't move, and we'll make this drug that covers up the symptoms.  We won't actually cure you, though. That would be up to you to practice lifestyle changes.  

When Franklin made that quote, he wasn't actually talking about health.  He was talking about fire safety.  People would transfer coals throughout their house, likely to take from one hearth to another, and would often do it without caution.  Coals or embers may fall out and end up in your floorboards or staircase and won't make an appearance until midnight when your house is on fire.  Had they just transported them in closed warming pan, this wouldn't be a problem. Prevention (doing it the right way) is worth a pound of cure.  

But not anymore.  Their isn't really a lot of money when it comes to preventing disease.  There is BIG money in producing medication and drugs.  

Let's take a look at "Lifestyle disease".  Here's an exert from wikipedia...

"Lifestyle diseases are defined as diseases linked with, and often caused by the way people live their life. These are non-communicable diseases. Lifestyle diseases are commonly caused by lack of physical activity, unhealthy eating, alcohol, drugs and smoking, which lead to heart disease, stroke, obesity, type II diabetes and Lung cancer.  The diseases that appear to increase in frequency as countries become more industrialized and people live longer can include Alzheimer's disease, arthritis, atherosclerosis, asthma, cancer, chronic liver disease or cirrhosis, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, colitis, irritable bowel syndrome, type 2 diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, metabolic syndrome, chronic kidney failure, osteoporosis, PCOD, stroke, depression, obesity and vascular dementia."

The fact is, our bad lifestyle decisions not only negatively effect ourselves, but create a huge burden on the health care system.  

It's possible to change.  It's not too late.  And it's not as hard as you think.  Don't be like Rubber Band Robby.  Don't just stretch yourself to the max and then rely on medicine to manage your symptoms but never cure your disease.  Use medicine, if needed, to help begin to turn the ship around and make better lifestyle decisions so you don't put yourself into those precarious situations in the first place.  

That's all for now.  

Insert Clickbaity, Virtue Signaling, Attention Getter Title Here

 It's been a long time since I've been on this site to post a blog.  Nearly a year, if not more.  Can you believe that there was a time I sat and wrote every single day for 450 days?  That's nuts.  

Maybe I should start writing again.  My excitement for podcasting is dwindling.  I'm not sure why, just losing steam.  Lately it seems as though it just turned into a weekly venting of however I'm feeling.  Or maybe it's just the miserableness of Covid.  Could be winter blues as well.  

But I came to vent today.  So if you want to read it, you can stay.  If you don't, you can leave.  Bye, Felicia.  

Where do I start?  Covid has turned our world upside-down.  It has taken over 300k lives in America so far.  People have lost family members, friends, and entire livelihoods have been destroyed.  So when I think about how it is impacting me personally, I really should be grateful.  Because other than being forced to stay home and "remote learn" with my kids, lose income (quite a bit), watch my business that I've worked hard on for nearly 15 years begin to dwindle due to covid restrictions, not be able to see people, and basically become a hermit, it's not nearly as bad as some others have it.  

But yet I'm still over here losing my shit.  At least I can claim Pandemic Unemployment Assistance.  Oh wait, I can't because their website is still having issues and I can't complete the claim like it wants.  And they don't respond to emails in any type of timely fashion.  So I can't even be compensated the $300 a week I was approved for in the spring.  

Don't worry though, that $600 check is coming from Uncle Sam.  Maybe we can just forego taxes this year.  

And then on those days when we are feeling like absolute garbage.  Even when you nailed todays Elf on the Shelf.  Trust me, I spent some time on this one.  I used one of the flies my son tied to have "Max" pretend to be fishing.  I even suspended the fish in the jar so it looks like they are swimming.  I even got a good nights sleep last night.  And I'm still feeling like shit today.  I even went fishing and caught some fish.  I also lost some fish and some flies too.  

Change is fucking hard.  Especially when you don't necessarily agree with "why" you have to change.  

So I'm sitting at home, thinking that something on facebook will cheer me up.  Why do we do that?  Because we all do and it never works.  Case in point, I see a photo of some friends working on a project and all I can think about was how fun it would have been to be working on it with them.  And it really bummed me out.  Now, it wasn't there responsibility to make sure I wasn't sad and perusing facebook.  But maybe we should think about the things we post and how others may feel seeing us have a good time amidst all the lockdowns.  

Fuck, I don't know.  

And Christmas with masks on?  Might as well have sex with your pants on.  

All in the name of not overloading the healthcare systems.  Oh, type 2 diabetes and cardiovascular disease is already doing that, but no one gives a shit.  And you can manage that easier than managing the spread of Covid.  

Basically, you have to give EVERYONE room for dealing with Covid in the ways it's impacting them personally.  Even if it's not as bad as others.  

Watching people shift and adapt is inspirational.  Especially many of the restaurants who have been wrongfully shut down.  yes, that's my opinion.  Maybe if we all want to go out to eat, we'll just buy an airline ticket and have a meal on a plane.  You can still do that you know.  I wonder if the restaurants at the airports are open?  

Anyway, welcome back to my blog.  Might not be a daily thing, or a weekly thing.  It's just gonna be a thing.  But damn....I feel better.  Blogging FTW.  I'm not even going to proofread, take that haters.  

Hurling Insults and Virtue Signals

I see it all the time, everywhere I go.  Even in my dreams I can scheme of ways to....Oh wait.  That's a Skee-Lo song.

It doesn't take long on social media to see people hurling insults over the metaphorical "wall" to the other side.  This blog may very well indeed to signal my virtuous "I'm better than you because I'm not doing what you're doing".  But I'm willing to take that chance.

I'm in the process of awakening this new way of viewing the divide that's facing the people of America, and even the world.

If at any point you are reading this and get defensive.  STOP.  Think for a minute.  Why are you getting defensive?  This is just a conversation.  This is the moment to take a good honest look at ones self.  Maybe there is something I can learn from the other person.  Learning can be difficult.  I know.  I've learned the hard way most of my life.

I recently tried to have a conversation with a friend about how their love for country could cloud their love of humans that Jesus called them too.  They rendered my point invalid since I don't believe in the Christian story anymore. Even after my 33 years (coincidence maybe) of being a believer.  I know God didn't create countries or races when He created the world.  We humans did that.  And I think if you call yourself a Christian, you can't see color or country of origin.

I hear people say that they want to hear opinions and view points from an opposing sides. But then I see them calling the other side "evil of the world" or some insult like that when the opposing viewpoint isn't presented in a respectful enough way for them.

This all comes from both sides.  If you've never been a victim of racism or oppression, it's hard to believe that someone else has ever had it that bad.  If you've been a victim of racism or oppression, sometimes it's hard to see that others have never experienced it or that they really don't realize that these things still exist in America today.

I recently saw someone post an image of a black man with his three black kids reading books on the subway.  The comment was..."this image will never go viral".  It was posted by someone on the "right".   My first thought was, why did this black family have to fit your image of what good black people should be doing.  Especially when young black kids are gunned down for playing with toy guns.  See Rice, Tamir.   Rice was a likely a product of his environment and died because of it by the actions of a police officer that lied on his job application.  A lie that would have likely prevented him from a  job.

And to be fair, there was a huge fit of rage from the left after what appeared to be a young male wearing a MAGA hat taunting a native american.  There were threats to doxx this young man that would have likely ruined his life forever.

Everyone was born a baby.  We were all the same humans. That changed the second we came out of a vagina.  Yes, EVERYONE came out of a vagina.  Even in some cases, our health in the womb was determined by the decisions of our host. We don't get to decide what environment we are brought home to.  We didn't really get to decide for ourselves who we would be surrounding ourselves with for the most important first years of our lives.  That all makes us who we become.  Our viewpoints are constantly evolving.

I'm a middle aged white male.  I'm as privileged as they come.  But I know many have experienced years of oppression, including women.  Many women living right in front of our faces have felt this oppression for years.

I don't have any answers.  But we've got to change something.  Fake news needs to stop. Vicious reactions need to stop.  We need to start listening to peoples stories.  Don't fall for the Rorschach Tests that you'll find on social media.

I'm afraid it may be too late. Maybe people just have a grudge.  Maybe they are bored.  Maybe they just want to fight.

I don't know.

The Bullet and the Band-Aid

Body image is an issue that many people struggle with today.  The earliest memory I have of body shape was when I was in my early teens.  I noticed a friend of mine was a little on the chubby side and they seemed really happy and also involved in sports.  I'm not sure what made me think it, but I decided at that point that one's size didn't matter.

If I were to make a guess what made me think it, is at that age, six pack abs were all the rage.  And if you didn't have a washboard for a lower torso....well...I don't actually know what happened if you didn't.  Probably what happened was left up to you in your own mind.  There wasn't an official consequence of not having washboard abs.  But when I thought of my friend who didn't have a washboard for a stomach, who was athletic, involved in sports and popular, one's size and body shape must not matter as much as I thought it did.

That lesson never stuck.  I remember another time all my young teen friends and I were talking about our abs and in an effort to fit in, I sucked in my gut and flexed.  But, I knew I didn't really have six pack abs.  But it fooled them.  As far as they were concerned I had abs, but I knew the truth.  Looking back on this now, all those friends have seen me without my shirt on in the pool all the time.  They knew before that moment I had visible abs.  I didn't fool them, they were there, I just didn't see them. 

I was never overweight.  I was never made fun of for being fat.  I can't imagine the pain and hurt caused by so many of your "friends".

I've always teetered around that weight of "almost trim and fit".  I've never been a star athlete, but always athletic.  But for whatever reason, I've never been satisfied with my mid-section.  I ALWAYS see a gut.   Even after losing another round of 35 pounds, weighing in at 195lbs at 6'1",  I still see a gut.  Even sliding into a pair of 33's and needing a belt.  What gives?  I don't understand. 

I'm slowly starting to realize that how you feel about yourself is NOT tied to your size.  That even if you lose weight and fit that "image" you've always dreamed of, you still may not feel better about yourself.  And even so, you still won't see the fit and trim image when you look in the mirror.  Why?  I don't know exactly.  But I think that we have this idea that if we just lost weight, had disciplined eating habits and maintained a fit and trim body we'd finally feel good about ourselves.  While we may be proud of our accomplishments, weight loss alone won't cure self esteem and self worth issues.

Why do I say all that?  Because I want everyone to know that nobody is immune to body image issues.  It might be a wanting a flat stomach for some people.  It might be your nose that's bothering you.  Maybe you want bigger breasts.   Maybe you want smaller breasts.   Maybe you want shirt ripping biceps.  Maybe you even want to gain weight! There is a host of things we see when we look in the mirror that scream, "fix this and you'll finally be confident!'

And I'm here to say that even if you fix all the things that you aren't happy with, it's not a guarantee you'll actually be happy with yourself afterwards.  And if you are, is that really a good thing?  That since you fixed your self imposed "problem areas" you can finally feel confident?   Maybe, maybe not.  That puts the onus of how you feel based around how you look.  And I don't believe that's where our confidence should come from.    That being said.  I've done a ridiculous amount of things to chase after the body that I "think" I desire.

So if how we feel about ourselves is not how we look or based on our appearance, where does our confidence and self image come from?  I wish I had a short answer for that.  But there are entire college courses and life works based around this.  But if I were to give the most easy answer that needs explanation and clarification, it's the people that surround us. 

I bet you thought I was going to say from within.  Maybe that has something to do with it. But I think it's largely determined by our life experiences and what others have said to us at one time or another. 

So on my quest for body acceptance I've come across a conundrum.  There comes a time when you must accept, but there is also a time when you should not accept.  Most of what I've listed above are scenarios in which you should accept yourself for who you are and how you look.  It's only after learning that your self esteem and confidence isn't tied to appearance is when you should decide to make some changes based on preference, not feelings. 

The Rise and Fall of Insulin

Do you know about Insulin?



It’s not just for diabetics. You make it.  When your blood sugar rises (by consuming sugar or other carbohydrates) your pancreas releases insulin to take all the excess blood sugar for storage in the liver or muscles.  If those areas are already full, it stores it as fat. 



If you aren’t exercising after each carbohydrate laden snack (which most of them are, including most beef jerky), your liver and muscles are most likely always full.  So everything you eat is going straight to fat storage.  



Constantly consuming carbohydrates for snacks and meals will keep your body pumping out insulin almost 24/7 leaving you no chance of ever calling on glucagon to release stored body fat.  Glucagon is insulins counter hormone.  When you are in a fasting period or blood sugar falls, glucagon is released to convert that stored glycogen into blood glucose.  Even if your glycogen stores are empty, your body can convert ingested proteins into glucose or convert stored body fat into glucose.  



Our bodies are pretty amazing if we’d just let them do their thing.  



However, most people, when their blood sugar drops they don’t allow their body to do it’s own thing.  They eat more carbohydrate rich food.  This pattern, repeated over years causes the bodies fat burning ability to shut down.  It leads to a dependence on carbohydrates and eventually insulin resistance, type 2 diabetes and many other health issues.     



It still astonishes me that whole grains and other forms of grain based carbohydrates are still recommended to people suffering with type 2 diabetes.  While you can still control your blood sugar, they simply are not beneficial to consume.


Even if you exercise.  Continued filling and depleting of glycogen stores, while it may keep you from storing body fat, may still lead to insulin resistance.  



The good news is that you can break this pattern.  Though your body will push back a little bit.  Imagine if you’ve been sitting for years and tried to stand up and walk again.  You’ll be able to, but it’ll take some warming up.  

How do you engage your bodies ability to burn fat?  You take away the quick burning fuel.  Carbohydrates.  

Fat is our bodies preferred fuel source.  



Take control of your health.  75% of the foods in the grocery store are NOT fit for proper human health.  You deserve better.  

If you can (and you can) control your insulin levels, you can control your health.