I often wonder how a simple decision could have huge consequences. Do I poop in the bucket or go home and poop? I've done both. I have no problems finding a quiet corner somewhere and dropping a bomb in a 5 gallon bucket. But today I decided to go home.
I battle depression. Along with many other things in my mind. Medication certainly helps. I've pinpointed the source of my anger outbursts. They happen when I lose control. Not control of myself, but control of a situation. In the past, I used my anger to get my way. And eventually those closest to me became afraid of me. I never knew that control issues were the cause of my angry outbursts until recently. I am not okay being that person and I searched for answers. Understanding helps me gain back control. Knowing that sometimes it's okay to not be in control helps control the anger. I have also learned that when I did get to my "striking point" of anger, breaking something broke my anger. Instantly. Whether it was punching a wall, door or just breaking something it always snapped me out of it. I'm not proud of that, but hey, it works. And there is far worse things. But now I have slowly started gaining back control of those striking points. Anyway....
I saw Emily's car at the park on the way home. I proceeded home and finished my business. Stopped back at the park on my way back to work. Josiah was throwing sand in the sandbox. I told him not to. He threw some on me. I told him not to again. He continued to throw sand despite many warnings not to. So I decided he needed to leave. He didn't like it and cried the whole way to the car. I wasn't angry. Yet. I put him in the carseat while Emily got Anne ready to go. He wouldn't stop crying after many attempts to calm him down and while putting him in his seat, I smacked his leg. It wasn't hard, but I didn't even realize I was upset. And hitting him didn't calm me down, it made it worse. I went right to my truck and proceeded to take out my anger on my center console. And let me tell you, that thing can take a beating. I was so mad at myself. I felt like a failure of a father. A failure of a human. I wanted to disappear. So I went back to work. Painting sometimes calms me down. It did today. Josiah didn't deserve to be smacked, even if he was acting up. Violence is never the answer. Argue with me till your blue in the face, you're still wrong. I don't want my children or my wife to fear me. Unfortunately, I have many errors to right. And I will make them right
So why did I choose to go home and poop? Why didn't I just poop in a bucket? I've done it before, as recently as Saturday. And it was quite pleasant. Or did I need to have this happen? Was it an opportunity to learn in a semi controlled environment where I could learn a big lesson with little outside consequence? I don't know, I don't need to know. But it happened. And I'm somewhat happy this lesson happened in this manner. I'm just still upset that it needed to happen in the first place. But it did. And I've learned how to gain control by losing control.
So, you've now learned that this blog was not just about poop.
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