For SKUBALA's Sake!!!

*just to clarify.  this is me talking, thinking outloud.  This is an invite into my mind. MY mind.  I don't represent any other entity nor do my thoughts represent the views of any church or ministry. 

This post has been a couple weeks in the making.  I thought today would be a good day for it.  

 Lets begin with a bible lesson. Philippians 3:8.  You're all probably like..."WTF (this stands for With Total Faith in case you were wondering) Jon's actually using the bible..."  Yes.  Yes I am.  -What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ.

Garbage, dung are among the words that came from Pauls original use of the term "skabula."  The actual word translates to shit.   Paul used some pretty strong language here to make a point.  Now, I'm not saying this passage condones the use of foul language.  But if it is used, we shouldn't be surprised.    There are several others that point out that crude jokes and obscene talk shouldn't be spoken.  These are often followed up with something like extending thanksgiving or building each other up.  Guess what?  I don't think these passages are talking about shit, ass, crap (oh wait, you say that one?),  damn and even fuck.  Why?  Because I read it on the internet.  AND that I think the writer is referring to harsh words spoken to or about another.  Gossip and slander.  Calling someone names that belittles and humiliates a person.  I think it's more about being kind to one another with our words.  So yes, if someone uses these words to hurt or belittle someone I'm not ok with that.  But not because of your choice of words, but the fact you're being a dick.  Oops...I think I just sinned because I  called someone that makes fun of someone a dick.   And obviously that's not the way to respond to someone that's hurtful.  So next time you read a Matt Walsh blog, encourage him to continue to keep listening to his heart and not his head instead of wishing death upon him. 


Which brings me to this.  2 weeks ago I read a post by a former Assemblies of God pastor.  It spoke of being depressed and feeling down,  (Which are situational, but you could also have undiagnosed depression too).   Quoted some passages from Jeremiah and said you need to sing praises to the lord in those times you are in a dark place.  Well, here was my response.  And a few days later I was sent a private message being asked to remove the foul langauge.  I did, because I care about the message I gave.  He's got a big following and I know it resonated with someone.  Which he agreed.  We had good conversation, but still didn't like the words.  Here was my response to his original post.






I love those moments when I can be honest with God.  I feel most intimate with him when I can speak my thoughts freely.  Just Saturday, I had a fantastic time with some fantastic people. Then sunday rolled around.  I hit a dark place of depression (that I struggle with and have for many years despite prayer and faith).  That story is for another day.  I was sick of it on sunday.  I haven't been that close to thinking about what it would be like to end it.  But there are to many things in this life that are keeping me alive.  I hurt for those that don't win that battle.  But I got in my truck to go on a drive to clear my head and the first words were...."F YOU GOD.  Why are you such an ahole?"  (Edited out of respect for those not wishing to read those words) And a variety of other words.  And I've never felt so close at that moment.  It was like God said thanks for being honest with your feelings.  I wasn't praising him, I was using him for a punching bag.    I get very upset and discouraged when I hear talk of just going to God and praising him when you are in dark place. That you need to strengthen your faith and remember that God is almighty!  Well, he may be.  But that is incredibly hurtful to someone that has been a devout Christian their whole life and still struggles with depression.     

Now, I understand that you may actually be talking about an emotion and not an illness.  But sometimes it's hard to tell a difference.  

Thanks for listening to my thoughts on this topic.  I do appreciate the encouragement this post Pastor Wayde may give some.  But I couldn't keep my mouth shut on how I hear it.


We'll I'm sorry, if you get offended or upset by a word that isn't being directed at another human and is merely a description.  I would suggest doing some searching into why?  I mean, Paul did it.  And many today heed his words over Jesus.   Please don't judge people by the language they use, if any judgement is done judge them on how they treat dogs.  Just kidding.  Judge them on how they treat others.  Are they encouraging?  Welcoming? Friendly?  Honest? Truthful?   Or are the critical? Condemning?  Full of complaints without solutions?

Some food for thought this afternoon.

And while everyone is so damn captivated.  What if you're wrong in thinking homosexuality is a sin and you are adamant that it's a sin?  You've just made the life of any homosexual incredibly difficult, stressful and depressing with your condescending attitude.  And that was their one life.  And you ruined it.   What if you're right?  Well, no one is listening to you anyhow with that attitude.   So if you don't mind...SHUT THE F....ront door called your mouth.  And even if you aren't sure, that's ok.  Isn't God big enough to deal with it?  Just love.  And stop worrying about the small stuff.

Holy fu*# (profanity alert)

So I had a thought this morning. Wanted to get some feedback. But I didn't want it on a Facebook comment. So I'd give people the option of coming here instead.

Yesterday when I about stepped on the four foot black snake I jumped about ten feet in the air, startled me more than anything, and shouted "Holy fucking shitballs batman!"  

Whoa. Pretty intense for a snake. But there is a scientific explanation for the language in a situation like that. 

BUT! There are people (fundamentalists and some other Christians) that would get all bent out of shape that I used that language. They would spend more time complaining and arguing how bad it was then the time it took me to say them and help the defenseless black snake across the trail.  

I didn't belittle anyone by saying them, so what's the problem? Do you care more about the words someone says then their well being? 

seriously, if you read all of these, don't read this one

I wrote this a few weeks ago.  But it still resonates.

Alive to the lies

the lies that give birth to hurt inside of me

akin to the tumor of self depreciation

and the depths of loneliness

So many fears

fears in a state of unforgiveness

trapped in a chasm of hatred

    hatred of self  

Fuck the past.

Fuck the pain.

Fuck the hurts.

Life moves fast

a fast train only moving one way

it would be nice if we could stop

slow down and be still just jump

off

Vulnerability is one of our biggest fears

Vulnerability is one of my biggest fears.  One of our biggest fears.  Perhaps it's because people will finally see the real you.  Or maybe it's that they already know the real you and they're just happy you admitted it.  Or maybe you're just afraid to admit the real you to someone other than you because that means how you feel about yourself might actually be true.

This needs to stop. 

I struggle everyday with feelings of worthlessness.  I do (or at least I think I do) a good job of hiding that.  And that's a bad thing.  Because now if you had me as this upstanding citizen in your mind and now you know that I have feelings of really low self worth it makes you feel like you may not be doing enough.  YOU ARE.  While you can help, it's note our fault.   Don't listen to the gremlins that tell you that you are not good enough.

I feel like I owe it to anyone that reads this to open up a little bit more about what I actually struggle with.  Because I don't think I'm alone.  And you need to know you aren't either.

The littlest thing can set off a wave of emotion.  Someone you feel seriously questioning your decisions as a father.  Even though you love your kids and try your hardest to be the best dad you can be, their comment brings up all the times you've failed.  And for some reason, that's all you can remember.

If you only know me from what you read on facebook and in my blog, you really don't know me.  There is only one person that I believe really knows me.  And 2 or 3 others that think they know me really well, but they only know what I let them know.  That's not to say I'm a bad person, I'm not.  It's just my way of staying in control.  But that doesn't work.  So I'm gonna try just being as honest as I can be.  Even when I'm in my most vulnerable moments.  Because I think we all need to be a little more open and honest with each other.  I think we need to share things in our most emotional state because if we wait and sleep it off we'll never share how we feel.  Those emotions come from somewhere, and we need to let them out.  They mean something.  They aren't always valid, but it helps to release them.

I've been accused of not paying enough attention to my family.  That I do to much work in Haiti, spend to much time running and that I don't provide enough for my family.  These accusations are made by someone that doesn't really know me, but it hurts more than anything.  Because they don't know I already struggle with extremely low self worth.  And their accusation makes me question what I thought I was doing good at.  And now the very things that bring me joy don't.   Now they produce guilt.    So when I joke about leaving my sleeping kids alone and going on a run and someone seriously asks if I'm joking or not, someone that should know me better, that hurts.  That really hurts.  That puts me in the place of questioning if they see something I don't.  That I really am a bad parent.  

See this downward spiral?  This isn't a cry for help.  This isn't a woe is me post.  I'll be fine.  I always have.  I've made it this far.  I'm still me.  I haven't been fake.  Ok, maybe I have been a little fake. I just haven't been completely honest and open about how I feel on the inside.  I don't think any of us have.  Even if we think we've been.

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry if I've unintentionally hurt anyone.  I'm sorry if you feel like I may have intentionally hurt you.  I really mean no harm.  And if it feels like I am coming across as harmful, it's usually because I'm trying to bring you down with the ship that I think I'm sailing.  And even that's not right of me.

I don't know where these feelings come from.  Quite honestly I don't care.  I just hope they stop.  But even if they don't, I hope I learn what is truth and what is not.  And I hope I can learn to raise my children up not having these same thoughts.  I want to be able to love my wife and kids better.  It's hard to do that when you don't love yourself.  It's a nightmare when one day you wake up and you realize you've been digging a hole for years and you are at the bottom of it.  And now you have to get out and you realize you can't get out as fast as you found yourself in it.

Don't let it be like this.

At the end of this...I'm still me.  I still love to laugh and have fun.  I still love to help others feel better about themselves.  I still love to do things for others.  I just need to stop pretending like I have it all together.  And I just need to stop typing and share this before I feel like I can't because I don't want people to know.  But I have to take that risk.  It might be a mistake....but at this point, might as well give it a shot. I just hope that I wasn't so good at convincing people I've got it all together that they don't believe me that these things really do exist in my head. 

Be real, be truthful, be loving, be caring, be understanding. 
 

Langauge. Definition. Power.

 PRE-SCRIPT - I'm not claiming to be right.  I'm not claiming perfection.  You all know my blogs are a journey into my brain and how I think.    I know I do things that I rail against on occasion.  Oh...and there might be some words you may not like in here.  Just a heads up.

I had a conversation today with someone whose opinions and viewpoints I value highly.  We were talking about foul language. And really, what makes it foul.  And if it is appropriate or inappropriate.  So yes, there will be words used in this blog that you might not be used to hearing from me.  I choose not to think much about those words, but try my best to be respectful of others and the audience I am around.  I try, but it's hard for me to understand why a word could be so bad to someone.  I understand in the case of calling someone a name and being rude to someone.  I don't agree with that at all.  I try to be peaceful with everyone if possible and think the best of them.  So I don't see a need to call names. I think the reason many people think these words are offensive stems from what they were taught.  So if you disagree with me, I get that.  I understand.  And it's ok. 

Growing up, I wasn't allowed to say Mario "died" while playing nintendo.  He got caught.  I wasn't allowed to say fart, shut up or crap.  Toot, be quiet and poop was acceptable.  They all mean the same things.  I think I grew up resentful that I couldn't say crap when it meant the same thing as poop.  Like the word piss, right Tony? 

I certainly hope no one makes a judgement about the content of ones character based on the language that they use.   To some, words are words.  They don't know any different.  That way I choose to ignore a word if someone uses it and I don't like it.  There is one exception to this rule.  We all know what it is.  It starts with N.  I have a zero tolerance policy on that one.   I do think that was a valid point.  If someone who doesn't know me hears me say the word shit, for example, it might turn them off and they won't hear anything else I say.  Because to them it's not appropriate.  I get that.  But they shouldn't allow a word to hold that much weight.  We will always offend someone whether we intend to or not.  But we can choose to be offended or not.  

I have some other points and I've discussed this previously.  It's a conversation that happens a lot actually. There have even been a few people that have called me out based on a few colorful words I've said on facebook.  What about replacements?  When it's 5 degrees outside.... The shiver....It's so freakin cold out!  You could say that at a church retreat.  But drop the f bomb and it's like you dropped the A bomb.  To me, they are one in the same.  In that context.  Forgot something after you are a mile down the road and it's second nature to let out an audible "CRAAAAAP!".  But you'd never say shit.  That would be bad.  I know what you're thinking...."That's a bunch of bull."  Why didn't you finish it?  Even if you audibly say FINISH IT, you said shit.  It's the same as poop or crap. 

*This is my dream world section*   I'm still not saying I'm ok with a bunch of 4 year olds going around using words like this.  But then again....who makes them bad words?  They certainly don't.  What if instead of teaching what words are bad we stopped making those words bad.  Punching someone in the face.  That's bad.  Date rape, that's bad.  Any rape, that's bad too.  Treating people as property, that's bad.  What if a child said, "daddy, there's a shit in my diaper!"?  What if we treated that the same as if he said poop?     I believe that could happen.  But I'm not holding my breath.  

At the end of the day, I don't really care what words you use.  It's not until you'd use those words in a derogatory way at another person where I draw the line.  But I'd also draw the line if you were mean to another person and you didn't use "those" words either.   So basically....it still doesn't matter what words you use.  It all comes down to how you treat people.  While you may have a responsibility to use certain words depending on your audience, the audience also has a responsibility to not judge someone based upon the words they use.   We are more than our words.  We are more than our appearance. 

Eyes of Hope

     There is no mystery in a child's eyes when they turn to look at their parents after making a basket in his last game of the season. When she gets the game winning RBI in her tee ball game. When he comes in first place in the 50 meter dash. When she brings home her first straight A report card.

      There is also no mystery in their eyes when they look for safety and comfort when they miss a free throw to win the game, or strike out with runners in scoring position in the bottom of the ninth, tripping and losing the race or bringing home their first D on their report card. 

      Children look to their parents in all situations. For support, encouragement, love, kindness, direction or whatever the need may be. When you have a child, you consent to being this beacon for your child. Unfortunately many are not ready for that. Parents bring their own hurts and pains of missed eye contact to their own journey of becoming a parent. 

     When a child loses that moment to feel appreciated, that they did something good, that they succeeded then they do one of two things (actually many others these are two big ones).  They stop looking or they continue to look to other places for that safety, comfort and the longing to feel loved and appreciated from somewhere else.   Some will even seek to do good things and succeed because of their upbringing in church. They try to do good things because that's what God and Jesus wants. But what happens when their faith is questioned and they doubt? Because it happens. Then why do good? Why be kind? Why strive to do your best? Because if there is no father there to impress, what's the point?  

     I found myself there. Very recently.  And then I finally for the first time in my life realized the love of the Father. I can't just can't sit here and pretend to describe something that typed words can't. But I'd be open to sharing and caring over coffee sometime. 

     And here I find myself. Trying to bring a peace to a very real problem that people have to deal with on a daily basis.  And I'm doing it on an iphone.  

    But I can leave these words with you. 

    HOPE. 

     Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

    

Our First Noel

This is a story of transformation.  About a boy who is facing his fears and growing into a young man and eventually an adult.  This is Noel, he is the boy we sponsor through Freedom Global Outreach.   There aren't many organizations that provide you the opportunity to visit with the children you help care for financially.  What a blessing it is to spend quality time with Noel.  What a blessing it has been watching the transformation of this young boy who when I met him for the first time he sat along the wall  with sadness, fear and a loneliness in is eyes.  They said he would be perfect for me.  Although it is our family that sponsors Noel, I am the only one that has been able to spend time with him.  For now, Emily is planning a trip in the near future! 

 

After that first trip, I went back a few months later.  Not much changed with Noel.  There was still a sadness.  Or so it seemed.  He rarely showed much positive emotion.  There wasn't much interaction with him and the other boys that I could see.  After many trips back over the past two years, as well as other groups.  We've been able to see Noel go from shy, sad and aloof to somewhat shy, happy and present.  Often smiling and playing with other kids.  He now greets me with a huge smile and a great big hug.   Here he is on my most recent trip.  We were having fun taking selfies.  He not only gets along with me, but is extremely comfortable with others as well. 

 

Noel's story is not unusual.  All the kids that come into the orphanage have one.  They all need love.  We have a great opportunity to show that to these children, and children around the world.  There are several ways to do that.  You could come visit, you'll most likely go back a second time.  Just sayin. You could sponsor a child.  You could give to the ministry.  You could give to someone like me :-) to go on more trips to invest in the lives of these kids.  

 My mom and sister with their sponsor children.  Linshey, Clenock and Richena

 Those eyes speak.

 Ashli, Gary and Noel

  More selfie fun

Diakon's Flight program spending time with the kids

Vern and Noel.  Told you he gets comfortable with the other visitors!

When the Sponsor organizers said that Noel would be perfect for us, I had no idea.  But now I see the big picture.  They probably didn't even know at the time how perfect.  Because they all are.  They could have given us any of the kids and it would have been perfect.  But let me tell you, when I share about the transformation about Noel.  Going from a young boy who had eyes that said he was scared, that he felt alone, a misunderstanding of where he was and why he was there and yet he moved forward.  With the hope of what's to come he took it day by day.  And over the past two years of battling demons of fear and sadness and allowing others to be a part of his life,  he has grown into a happy, healthy, smiling young man ready to give you a hug whether you want it or not.  Sometimes, when I share about Noel I forget who's transformation I'm talking about.  His or mine.