A Simple Apology, Living in Shame.

It's been awhile since I've sat behind a keyboard and tried to gather my thoughts.  It's helpful when you have a weekly podcast to discuss what's on your mind as well.  

I will warn you, this post has brief talks about suicide.  Just in case you are sensitive to that.  

I don't know how many know this or not, but I'm pretty much an atheist at this point.  I grew up in a home where we regularly went to church and most of the rest of our extended family was a Christian as well.  I was involved in all the Christian clubs and youth group.  I was even in a "christian punk rock" band.  I preached from stage.  Up into my 20's and early 30's I was very faithful and believed.  Regardless of what happened in my life up to that point. 

But then things happened.  I can't remember what it was specifically.  But a variety of things that really challenged my beliefs.  Long story short....I think the common salvation based christianity is pretty barbaric. 

Let me explain my cliff notes version.  There is a God of the universe that created all things.  This God had a few rules.  But God got mad when people strayed.  This one time God flooded the world and killed nearly all of humanity because God was so angry at the people.  God only saved a few "worthy ones".  And this wasn't the only time God had people killed either.  When his creations misbehaved he simply punished them.  

But God couldn't stand it.  God needed some way to settle his emotions.  So God created a perfect son, Jesus, and had him killed as a sacrifice so God could feel better about the people.  And as long as people believed in Jesus, they could live forever in Heaven.  Otherwise...you can go to hell.  Where you'll burn forever, you heathen.  

And then there are people that teach this, in a more child friendly fashion, to elementary aged children.  But even then, what message is being sent?  When adults don't really understand "sin", how do you expect a child to understand what sin is?  And what happens, is that you may have children internalizing that they are bad and that someone had to die because they were bad?  

And not only that, they get papers that tell them nothing they can do that is good will save them, only the good that Jesus did.  And then you start talking about Jesus being raised from the dead?  Is that possible?  Because you are in elementary school, you're still learning after all.  I digress.....

Enter my amazing, smart, sweet, caring, and kind son.  Who heard a message recently and told us that after he heard it, it made him feel like he needed to kill himself for all the bad things (sin) he has done.  Thankfully he was smart enough to know that didn't make sense, and he didn't think the speaker really meant it that way.  But that was his takeaway.  

Now imagine confronting the speaker about that, and having them tell you that your son definitely missed something in the message.  That it was his fault.  Not a simple, I'm sorry.  I've never had that happen before.  Tell me more so I can pivot if need be and make sure it never happens again.  

Suicidal thoughts are serious.  Even if you didn't intent to give them.  You need to take it seriously.  Even if it's just one person.  

Christians always talk about if they can reach just one person, it was all worth it.  Well, what if you got a little carried away with your message that maybe you took it too far.  And you have a 9 year old commit suicide because they felt so guilty about their sins.  Especially when they find out someone else had to die because they were sinning.  

I'm sure Christians will all disagree that we need to stop preaching to kids.  They're kids for crying out loud.  Any "sins" they commit are because we as adults created that environment.  

Think about this, could you imagine Jesus responding that way.  Jesus loved children, the least of these.  I'm sure in his mind they were blameless.  What if someone came to Jesus and said their son felt like he needed to kill himself because you told him about sins.  How do you think Jesus would respond?  Do you think he'd brush it off and blame the child for not understanding right?  I find that hard to believe.  

I just don't even understand Christianity anymore.  There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that would make me believe in any type of religion. 

But at the same time, I understand some peoples need to believe in something.  It can bring comfort.  It's helped many people when they didn't know what else to do, to believe in something more powerful than they are.  Whatever that may be.  And I think there is something understandable there.  

Here's what I believe, kids don't need to be preached to about salvation, death on a cross (barbaric), resurrection, or anything like that.  Do you know what Jesus preached?  Love.  Forgiveness.  Grace. 

Kids need to see examples of adults that are honest and do the right thing. Adults that are even tempered and respond with grace and kindness.  They need to know that no matter what happens or what they do, that they have someone in their corner that can help them.  I'm constantly working on that myself.  

We don't need kids feeling ashamed of their mistakes, hiding them, and internalizing them.  Because right now, I think we have the large majority of adult christians hiding and living in shame of their mistakes, afraid to share them with anyone for fear of ridicule and more shame.  

Lastly, (who am I kidding, there's always more), Christians need to stop living as though it's their sole purpose to go around and add to your personal list of "lives that have come to Christ through my preaching".  Just stop.  I think it was words of Saint Francis of Assisi, "Preach the Gospel at all time, if necessary, use words."  Just love people.  That is all.  You don't have to talk to do that.  Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen and empathize.  YOU are good regardless.  YOU are enough.  

Believe it or not, I wrote this out of love.  Well, most of it anyway.  

Just Give Me Something to Believe In

I'm not struggling.  I'm sort of indifferent.  I'm confused. 

There's covid deaths continuing to rise and I know local hospitals are still full of covid patients.  I know it's a real thing.  I know people are dying. 

But there are many other things that just keep me in a state of not knowing just how serious to believe the main stream media and all things covid. 

I have a lot of smart friends that love diving into research and holding standard healthcare dogma accountable.  They take the common narrative and try to figure out if it truly is accurate.  And some of the things they find leave you scratching their head.  A lot of what we've been told, isn't exactly a representation of truth.  Like "bad" cholesterol for example.  But that's another story.  

But I've seen and read enough to know that not everything that comes from "authority" is true.  

Part of me just wants to go with the flow.  Sure, I'll wear a mask, continue to social distance, take proper precautions, etc.  But it's really starting to weigh on me mentally and emotionally.   Part of me kind of just wants it all to be true.  Just let the vaccine do it's thing and we'll be back to normal in no time.  

But then again, normal is part of the reason covid was so bad to begin with.  Normal meant that not everyone truly trusts in the government or the healthcare or sickcare system.  Or potentially worse is that they trust them blindly. Normal is that nearly 75% of adults over 18 in the US is either overweight or obese (30% overweight, 43% obese).  6 in 10 Americans have at least one chronic disease and 4 in 10 have 2.  And the majority of those disease, are caused and managed by lifestyle choices.  

Normal isn't that healthy.  

I recently read that the WHO determined the cycle count for the PCR test for covid was too sensitive.  And that created a large amount of false positives.  So they reduced it which will likely lead to a lower amount of positive cases, at the same time the vaccine is rolled out.  Coincidence?  

Let alone that we know vitamin d levels are crucial for overall health, and to lessen covid symptoms.  But nary a word about that from the powers that be.  You'd think it would be headlines on all the major outlets.  

I get it though.  It's a new virus.  

It's just very confusing.  

I'm landing somewhere in the middle.  I think most people desperately need something to believe in.  Regardless of it's true or not.  As long as they believe it's true, it's ok with them.   I think way to many people, myself included, will choose to believe something before they fully vet the thing they choose to believe in.  

I see this in the foundation of religion.  People desperately needed something to believe in.  So they created something to believe in.  And when you get massive amounts of people to believe in something, you get control.  

Control may have not really been your goal, but it is a result.  And when you realize you have control....you want more.  

Anyway.  Just some thoughts over the past couple days.  

I just want to go spend time with friends and not have to worry about catching this "covid" and being forced to take even more time off work and cause my kids to miss even more school.  I want to be able to smile at people.  I want to be able to have dinner with others and celebrate life.  

I'm worried that vaccines will become mandatory for certain portions of society when they have yet to prove whether they actually work or not.  

Like I said...just me thinking.  

An Ounce of Prevention

 Benjamin Franklin coined the phrase "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure".  But before we dive into that I want to share a story.  

This morning I was watching (as my daughter likes to call it) YTF.  It's actually WITF.  There is a show about young super heroes.  In this episode the "Rubber Band Robby" has a problem.  When he stretches out too far, he gets pulled back into a rubber ball and bounces around all over the place.  The team uses their "superpowers of science" to solve the problem.  So they went to work figuring out a way to keep Robby from bouncing around should in fact he get pulled back into a rubber ball.  

Quite frankly I'm a little pissed that this is what our kids are being taught what science is.  That's not science.  That's business.  Solve a problem and sell it.  Science would be figuring out why he turns into a bouncing ball when he stretches too far.  

Common sense says, geez Robby, maybe not just stretch yourself out so far.  Instead, they make it so Robby can do something he probably shouldn't do as long as you wear this foam suit. 

And all I could think about was todays pharmaceutical industry.  Go ahead Robby, eat whatever you want, get as stressed as you want, don't sleep, don't move, and we'll make this drug that covers up the symptoms.  We won't actually cure you, though. That would be up to you to practice lifestyle changes.  

When Franklin made that quote, he wasn't actually talking about health.  He was talking about fire safety.  People would transfer coals throughout their house, likely to take from one hearth to another, and would often do it without caution.  Coals or embers may fall out and end up in your floorboards or staircase and won't make an appearance until midnight when your house is on fire.  Had they just transported them in closed warming pan, this wouldn't be a problem. Prevention (doing it the right way) is worth a pound of cure.  

But not anymore.  Their isn't really a lot of money when it comes to preventing disease.  There is BIG money in producing medication and drugs.  

Let's take a look at "Lifestyle disease".  Here's an exert from wikipedia...

"Lifestyle diseases are defined as diseases linked with, and often caused by the way people live their life. These are non-communicable diseases. Lifestyle diseases are commonly caused by lack of physical activity, unhealthy eating, alcohol, drugs and smoking, which lead to heart disease, stroke, obesity, type II diabetes and Lung cancer.  The diseases that appear to increase in frequency as countries become more industrialized and people live longer can include Alzheimer's disease, arthritis, atherosclerosis, asthma, cancer, chronic liver disease or cirrhosis, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, colitis, irritable bowel syndrome, type 2 diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, metabolic syndrome, chronic kidney failure, osteoporosis, PCOD, stroke, depression, obesity and vascular dementia."

The fact is, our bad lifestyle decisions not only negatively effect ourselves, but create a huge burden on the health care system.  

It's possible to change.  It's not too late.  And it's not as hard as you think.  Don't be like Rubber Band Robby.  Don't just stretch yourself to the max and then rely on medicine to manage your symptoms but never cure your disease.  Use medicine, if needed, to help begin to turn the ship around and make better lifestyle decisions so you don't put yourself into those precarious situations in the first place.  

That's all for now.  

Insert Clickbaity, Virtue Signaling, Attention Getter Title Here

 It's been a long time since I've been on this site to post a blog.  Nearly a year, if not more.  Can you believe that there was a time I sat and wrote every single day for 450 days?  That's nuts.  

Maybe I should start writing again.  My excitement for podcasting is dwindling.  I'm not sure why, just losing steam.  Lately it seems as though it just turned into a weekly venting of however I'm feeling.  Or maybe it's just the miserableness of Covid.  Could be winter blues as well.  

But I came to vent today.  So if you want to read it, you can stay.  If you don't, you can leave.  Bye, Felicia.  

Where do I start?  Covid has turned our world upside-down.  It has taken over 300k lives in America so far.  People have lost family members, friends, and entire livelihoods have been destroyed.  So when I think about how it is impacting me personally, I really should be grateful.  Because other than being forced to stay home and "remote learn" with my kids, lose income (quite a bit), watch my business that I've worked hard on for nearly 15 years begin to dwindle due to covid restrictions, not be able to see people, and basically become a hermit, it's not nearly as bad as some others have it.  

But yet I'm still over here losing my shit.  At least I can claim Pandemic Unemployment Assistance.  Oh wait, I can't because their website is still having issues and I can't complete the claim like it wants.  And they don't respond to emails in any type of timely fashion.  So I can't even be compensated the $300 a week I was approved for in the spring.  

Don't worry though, that $600 check is coming from Uncle Sam.  Maybe we can just forego taxes this year.  

And then on those days when we are feeling like absolute garbage.  Even when you nailed todays Elf on the Shelf.  Trust me, I spent some time on this one.  I used one of the flies my son tied to have "Max" pretend to be fishing.  I even suspended the fish in the jar so it looks like they are swimming.  I even got a good nights sleep last night.  And I'm still feeling like shit today.  I even went fishing and caught some fish.  I also lost some fish and some flies too.  

Change is fucking hard.  Especially when you don't necessarily agree with "why" you have to change.  

So I'm sitting at home, thinking that something on facebook will cheer me up.  Why do we do that?  Because we all do and it never works.  Case in point, I see a photo of some friends working on a project and all I can think about was how fun it would have been to be working on it with them.  And it really bummed me out.  Now, it wasn't there responsibility to make sure I wasn't sad and perusing facebook.  But maybe we should think about the things we post and how others may feel seeing us have a good time amidst all the lockdowns.  

Fuck, I don't know.  

And Christmas with masks on?  Might as well have sex with your pants on.  

All in the name of not overloading the healthcare systems.  Oh, type 2 diabetes and cardiovascular disease is already doing that, but no one gives a shit.  And you can manage that easier than managing the spread of Covid.  

Basically, you have to give EVERYONE room for dealing with Covid in the ways it's impacting them personally.  Even if it's not as bad as others.  

Watching people shift and adapt is inspirational.  Especially many of the restaurants who have been wrongfully shut down.  yes, that's my opinion.  Maybe if we all want to go out to eat, we'll just buy an airline ticket and have a meal on a plane.  You can still do that you know.  I wonder if the restaurants at the airports are open?  

Anyway, welcome back to my blog.  Might not be a daily thing, or a weekly thing.  It's just gonna be a thing.  But damn....I feel better.  Blogging FTW.  I'm not even going to proofread, take that haters.  

Hurling Insults and Virtue Signals

I see it all the time, everywhere I go.  Even in my dreams I can scheme of ways to....Oh wait.  That's a Skee-Lo song.

It doesn't take long on social media to see people hurling insults over the metaphorical "wall" to the other side.  This blog may very well indeed to signal my virtuous "I'm better than you because I'm not doing what you're doing".  But I'm willing to take that chance.

I'm in the process of awakening this new way of viewing the divide that's facing the people of America, and even the world.

If at any point you are reading this and get defensive.  STOP.  Think for a minute.  Why are you getting defensive?  This is just a conversation.  This is the moment to take a good honest look at ones self.  Maybe there is something I can learn from the other person.  Learning can be difficult.  I know.  I've learned the hard way most of my life.

I recently tried to have a conversation with a friend about how their love for country could cloud their love of humans that Jesus called them too.  They rendered my point invalid since I don't believe in the Christian story anymore. Even after my 33 years (coincidence maybe) of being a believer.  I know God didn't create countries or races when He created the world.  We humans did that.  And I think if you call yourself a Christian, you can't see color or country of origin.

I hear people say that they want to hear opinions and view points from an opposing sides. But then I see them calling the other side "evil of the world" or some insult like that when the opposing viewpoint isn't presented in a respectful enough way for them.

This all comes from both sides.  If you've never been a victim of racism or oppression, it's hard to believe that someone else has ever had it that bad.  If you've been a victim of racism or oppression, sometimes it's hard to see that others have never experienced it or that they really don't realize that these things still exist in America today.

I recently saw someone post an image of a black man with his three black kids reading books on the subway.  The comment was..."this image will never go viral".  It was posted by someone on the "right".   My first thought was, why did this black family have to fit your image of what good black people should be doing.  Especially when young black kids are gunned down for playing with toy guns.  See Rice, Tamir.   Rice was a likely a product of his environment and died because of it by the actions of a police officer that lied on his job application.  A lie that would have likely prevented him from a  job.

And to be fair, there was a huge fit of rage from the left after what appeared to be a young male wearing a MAGA hat taunting a native american.  There were threats to doxx this young man that would have likely ruined his life forever.

Everyone was born a baby.  We were all the same humans. That changed the second we came out of a vagina.  Yes, EVERYONE came out of a vagina.  Even in some cases, our health in the womb was determined by the decisions of our host. We don't get to decide what environment we are brought home to.  We didn't really get to decide for ourselves who we would be surrounding ourselves with for the most important first years of our lives.  That all makes us who we become.  Our viewpoints are constantly evolving.

I'm a middle aged white male.  I'm as privileged as they come.  But I know many have experienced years of oppression, including women.  Many women living right in front of our faces have felt this oppression for years.

I don't have any answers.  But we've got to change something.  Fake news needs to stop. Vicious reactions need to stop.  We need to start listening to peoples stories.  Don't fall for the Rorschach Tests that you'll find on social media.

I'm afraid it may be too late. Maybe people just have a grudge.  Maybe they are bored.  Maybe they just want to fight.

I don't know.

The Bullet and the Band-Aid

Body image is an issue that many people struggle with today.  The earliest memory I have of body shape was when I was in my early teens.  I noticed a friend of mine was a little on the chubby side and they seemed really happy and also involved in sports.  I'm not sure what made me think it, but I decided at that point that one's size didn't matter.

If I were to make a guess what made me think it, is at that age, six pack abs were all the rage.  And if you didn't have a washboard for a lower torso....well...I don't actually know what happened if you didn't.  Probably what happened was left up to you in your own mind.  There wasn't an official consequence of not having washboard abs.  But when I thought of my friend who didn't have a washboard for a stomach, who was athletic, involved in sports and popular, one's size and body shape must not matter as much as I thought it did.

That lesson never stuck.  I remember another time all my young teen friends and I were talking about our abs and in an effort to fit in, I sucked in my gut and flexed.  But, I knew I didn't really have six pack abs.  But it fooled them.  As far as they were concerned I had abs, but I knew the truth.  Looking back on this now, all those friends have seen me without my shirt on in the pool all the time.  They knew before that moment I had visible abs.  I didn't fool them, they were there, I just didn't see them. 

I was never overweight.  I was never made fun of for being fat.  I can't imagine the pain and hurt caused by so many of your "friends".

I've always teetered around that weight of "almost trim and fit".  I've never been a star athlete, but always athletic.  But for whatever reason, I've never been satisfied with my mid-section.  I ALWAYS see a gut.   Even after losing another round of 35 pounds, weighing in at 195lbs at 6'1",  I still see a gut.  Even sliding into a pair of 33's and needing a belt.  What gives?  I don't understand. 

I'm slowly starting to realize that how you feel about yourself is NOT tied to your size.  That even if you lose weight and fit that "image" you've always dreamed of, you still may not feel better about yourself.  And even so, you still won't see the fit and trim image when you look in the mirror.  Why?  I don't know exactly.  But I think that we have this idea that if we just lost weight, had disciplined eating habits and maintained a fit and trim body we'd finally feel good about ourselves.  While we may be proud of our accomplishments, weight loss alone won't cure self esteem and self worth issues.

Why do I say all that?  Because I want everyone to know that nobody is immune to body image issues.  It might be a wanting a flat stomach for some people.  It might be your nose that's bothering you.  Maybe you want bigger breasts.   Maybe you want smaller breasts.   Maybe you want shirt ripping biceps.  Maybe you even want to gain weight! There is a host of things we see when we look in the mirror that scream, "fix this and you'll finally be confident!'

And I'm here to say that even if you fix all the things that you aren't happy with, it's not a guarantee you'll actually be happy with yourself afterwards.  And if you are, is that really a good thing?  That since you fixed your self imposed "problem areas" you can finally feel confident?   Maybe, maybe not.  That puts the onus of how you feel based around how you look.  And I don't believe that's where our confidence should come from.    That being said.  I've done a ridiculous amount of things to chase after the body that I "think" I desire.

So if how we feel about ourselves is not how we look or based on our appearance, where does our confidence and self image come from?  I wish I had a short answer for that.  But there are entire college courses and life works based around this.  But if I were to give the most easy answer that needs explanation and clarification, it's the people that surround us. 

I bet you thought I was going to say from within.  Maybe that has something to do with it. But I think it's largely determined by our life experiences and what others have said to us at one time or another. 

So on my quest for body acceptance I've come across a conundrum.  There comes a time when you must accept, but there is also a time when you should not accept.  Most of what I've listed above are scenarios in which you should accept yourself for who you are and how you look.  It's only after learning that your self esteem and confidence isn't tied to appearance is when you should decide to make some changes based on preference, not feelings. 

The Rise and Fall of Insulin

Do you know about Insulin?



It’s not just for diabetics. You make it.  When your blood sugar rises (by consuming sugar or other carbohydrates) your pancreas releases insulin to take all the excess blood sugar for storage in the liver or muscles.  If those areas are already full, it stores it as fat. 



If you aren’t exercising after each carbohydrate laden snack (which most of them are, including most beef jerky), your liver and muscles are most likely always full.  So everything you eat is going straight to fat storage.  



Constantly consuming carbohydrates for snacks and meals will keep your body pumping out insulin almost 24/7 leaving you no chance of ever calling on glucagon to release stored body fat.  Glucagon is insulins counter hormone.  When you are in a fasting period or blood sugar falls, glucagon is released to convert that stored glycogen into blood glucose.  Even if your glycogen stores are empty, your body can convert ingested proteins into glucose or convert stored body fat into glucose.  



Our bodies are pretty amazing if we’d just let them do their thing.  



However, most people, when their blood sugar drops they don’t allow their body to do it’s own thing.  They eat more carbohydrate rich food.  This pattern, repeated over years causes the bodies fat burning ability to shut down.  It leads to a dependence on carbohydrates and eventually insulin resistance, type 2 diabetes and many other health issues.     



It still astonishes me that whole grains and other forms of grain based carbohydrates are still recommended to people suffering with type 2 diabetes.  While you can still control your blood sugar, they simply are not beneficial to consume.


Even if you exercise.  Continued filling and depleting of glycogen stores, while it may keep you from storing body fat, may still lead to insulin resistance.  



The good news is that you can break this pattern.  Though your body will push back a little bit.  Imagine if you’ve been sitting for years and tried to stand up and walk again.  You’ll be able to, but it’ll take some warming up.  

How do you engage your bodies ability to burn fat?  You take away the quick burning fuel.  Carbohydrates.  

Fat is our bodies preferred fuel source.  



Take control of your health.  75% of the foods in the grocery store are NOT fit for proper human health.  You deserve better.  

If you can (and you can) control your insulin levels, you can control your health.

Frisbees and Fisticuffs

This blog has nothing to do with frisbees.  But I'll see if I can incorporate some kind of comparison.

To preface, this is going to be a more vulnerable blog.  Some people might freak out.  Others will relate.  I think more people would relate than not.  But I'm going to put myself out there.

I remember the first time I broke a wall.  I was mad and stormed down to the basement.  On the way down I smacked the wall/ceiling in front of me and put a big hole in it.  I wasn't mad anymore.  I was scared.  My dad was gonna be pissed.

I'll never forget his response.  It wasn't anger.  Instead he took some fault for my behaviors.  I didn't get in trouble.  Instead he fixed it and we remembered that moment.  I still haven't forgotten it.

because, puppies. 

It was only a few years after that, that I was on the phone with a girlfriend and we had an argument.  I punch a wall in our basement.  I didn't realized that behind the paneling was concrete and I broke my hand.  I wasn't mad after I hit it.

Over the next several years when I would get angry I would hit something.  I wasn't sure why I would get such rage.  I was never mad at people.  Never in my life have I ever been so mad at someone I wanted to inflict a violent act on them.

I've punched walls, doors, personal belongings, my truck, and I've even thrown things like my truck door, vacuums, iPads, iPhones, or remote controls.  I tried punching bags but they rarely worked.  Something had to break.   

What would usually happen afterwards is that I wouldn't be angry anymore.  But anyone around me was scared.  Not only for themselves, but also for me.  It didn't matter how much I said my anger is not towards a person.

I never really learned how to deal with anger properly.  But I did self learn that if I hit something I would feel better.  I knew it wasn't good.  There were other negative consequences to this (scaring others), but it worked.  As much as I've tried to stop this pattern, it always comes back.

Here's the pattern.  Something would trigger me and I'd get angry.  When it wouldn't stop or I couldn't come down, I'd punch something like a door or throw something.  Though, I learned that throwing something didn't work as well as punching something.  Then I would clean up the mess and a sense of guilt and shame would happen.  I know it wasn't good behavior, but it was helping me out of a mess.  And even to this day I feel like when people look at me all they see is a loose cannon with a bad temper that will automatically punch things when he gets angry or stressed.

But that's a lie that I need to stop telling myself.  Well, I guess not since now you all know whether you did before or not.

But it scared my wife.  And I know my kids have seen this behavior, though I tried to hide it from them.  I want this pattern to stop.  To my defense, it has been far less frequent as of the past year or two.

But why?  Why did that work?  What was causing me to do that?  Am I the only one?

I found out why it worked two days ago and it was revolutionary for me.  Have you ever been hiking and see a snake in the middle of the trail?  Or perhaps another frightening event.  Usually when I see a snake I'm already ten feet up a tree when my conscious self even realizes I see a snake.  Adrenaline surges through my body and it usually takes the parasympathetic system a second to figure out what the threat is.  It's your bodies defense/survival mechanism.  Act first, ask questions later.

A similar thing happens when you experience pain.  Your brain focus shifts to the physical pain.  What I believe my brain was doing, was self preservation.  I had learned that physical pain shuts down emotional pain without even realizing I was doing it.  It wasn't that something had to break.  It was that when I would punch a door, it would hurt!  My attention was automatically shifted to my physical pain rather than whatever emotional pain was happening.  And once the physical pain had subsided, a new emotion crept in.  Shame.

But good news!  I wasn't angry anymore.  And now I know what the mechanism that is involved is.  All I need to do so engage my physical senses when I start to get angry.  Think about my hands.  Maybe how warm I am.  Focus on my breath for a minute.  ANYTHING except the emotional brain.

Perhaps this is why exercise often helps when someones mood is low.  The physical work takes over the emotional brain space.

Anyway.  I just thought I'd share this helpful tidbit of knowledge.

Someone piss me off.  I want to try this theory out and think about my physical self when I start to get angry.

Actually don't. I'd rather let that happen on it's own.

Oh yeah, frisbees.  If you don't do it right from the beginning, the path will be askew.   Learn good patterns and behaviors early, so that you will be on the straight and narrow later in life.

The Waiting

It was quiet on the way to new Jacobs Medical Center in La Jolla, California.  The anticipation for this day had been building for months.

Last June, in 2017, they found it.  A 21mm tumor on the vestibulocochlear nerve.  The brains 8th cranial nerve.  6 months later another MRI showed a faster than normal growth, about 23-24mm.  

So there we were, in the pre-op room of one of the finest places on the planet to have an Acoustic Neuroma removed.  My wife is an all star at this stuff.  I'm just the support cast.  Bag carrier, company keeper, and mood lifter.

But then I had to leave.

I'll never forget the emotion that hit me when walking out into the waiting room.  I started getting teary eyed.  Some mad, some helpless, some confused.  I hadn't realized the amount of stress and work it was over the past few months preparing for this moment.  And I'm not even the one with the tumor.

I was getting overwhelmed by all the "thoughts and prayers".  But not in the way some do.  They were making me mad.  If all these thoughts and prayers worked for a successful surgery and speedy recovery, why didn't those same prayers work to have the tumor disappear?  Or didn't anyone pray for that?

Then I remembered Tyson Motsenbockers song.  In Your Name.  And it spoke to me.  You can listen to it here.  But that is all my own personal journey with understanding that stuff.

The donations on the other hand.  They were a total stress relief.  So thank you.

The first ten minutes felt like eternity.  Would my wife be ok?  Would the surgery go well? What if it doesn't?  What if she dies?  What if she's paralyzed? What if.....

Having Emily's youngest sister there helped keep me from wandering to far into the sometimes dark caverns of my mind.

Then at about 4 hours in an attendant came walking towards me with a blank look on their face. But they walked right passed me and knelt down to talk to the family sitting next to me.  I couldn't hear the conversation.  I didn't need to.  Watching the emotion come from the young lady right next to me told enough of the story.  She broke down into tears, fell into the arms of who could have been her mother, and sobbed.  Even today, it's hard to recall that memory without being overcome with emotion for this family.

I don't know what was said.  It was not my place to ask.  But it shook me that at any moment, any person waiting in this area for their loved one in the ICU could get a similar message.

We were told about 2 hours in that things were going well.  And then again at 3.5 hours we heard from the surgeon who performed phase one of the procedure.  He was in a hurry but told us all was well and it should be another 3 hours.

4 hours went by.  Nothing.  Not a word.  Then the first doctor came out into the waiting room and I overheard a conversation with another family.  He informed them the surgery is going well but he had an emergency to tend to.  Then he walked right past me, making eye contact, with no acknowledgement one way or the other.

It's one of those moments you hear about but never experience.  The unknown.  I wasn't supposed to hear that.  Yet, there was nothing I could do but take that walk to those caverns.

How would I tell everyone?  There are so many people following along with her journey.  Do I not give two shits about anyone else and just say it..."Emily died".  If I'm hurting that bad in that moment, why should I have to worry about what other people felt too?

Would I tell anyone? How do we word it so those that are 2300 miles away won't worry or panic?

But...thankfully, it was not about Emily.  And even if it were, I'm sure I would have figured it out.  Moments like that are also easier with another person present.  Though Sarah is closer to Emily in many ways I'll never be.

 She's fine.  She's began her recovery this morning.  Things won't be easy for a few days, but will get dramatically better day.

Thank you all for your care and your support, and your understanding. And even if I don't always understand it, the thoughts and prayers too.  Many people donated to us through our YOUCARING PAGE. Thank you.  It means the world.  When I created that page I wasn't sure what to ask for a "goal", but let's just say I way underestimated costs and am incredibly grateful for your continued support.

Other than losing total hearing in her right side, Emily should be able to live a full and productive life just as she was before the surgery.

Out with the New.

Let me start by saying this is off the cuff, totally 100% my opinion and thoughts, and where I'm at right now.  It's my observations.  It's my gut feeling.  I may be completely wrong.  Or maybe only a little wrong.  But I may be right.  Or at least some right.  And that is potentially terrifying.

I repeat, this is only a thought experiment, so don't rip me apart or get to upset.  Everyone has a story.  This is just the story that's been playing in my mind lately.

This is like...history for dummies.  I like to keep it simple.  And picture this more like a story.  Like fiction with the possibly of being accurate.

Maybe a tl,dr

Just because we can, doesn't mean we should. 

Adam and Eve

If you believe the earth is only 6000 years old and that God created Adam and Eve, this may rock your world and you may not believe anything I say.  If you think God knew the future and knew what we'd get ourselves into and created our brains to handle it, I will disagree wholeheartedly.  I'm sure believing that helps you feel better, it did me at one point in my life.  So I get it.  Really.

Yeah.  I'll start there.  To the best of my knowledge, most major religions started within the past 10,000 years.  Why?  I have a theory.  The Agricultural Revolution happened around 10,000 years ago and I believe it was one of the best worst things that happened to the human race.   Once man learned how to plant and grow his own food, the selection pressure of starvation got smaller and smaller.

Hierarchy of Needs

Assuming he is correct, let's take a look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs.  It's a theory of human motivation.  The primary driver for humans is the physiological need.  Survival.  Food, water, shelter, clothing, sleep, and sexual instinct.  Yes...humans have a sexual instinct.  It's in our very nature to reproduce.  In fact, that's what our ancestors of yesteryear were born to do.  We didn't always live in houses and have grocery stores.  We weren't always a civilized people. I grew up going to a christian church and I was given the impression that Adam and Eve were the first humans and within a few hundred years there were villages and cities.   There wasn't a lot of human history taught.  In reality, the world is a whole lot older than that and humans hunted and gathered for food.  Staying alive was incredibly hard to do!  Predators, food supply, and climate (yes, even back then but not how it is today) were incredibly brutal to our primal ancestors.  If you were able to stay alive and reproduce, those good genes would continue.

Back to the agricultural revolution.  Humans have been around for several hundred thousand years.  They didn't have methods to plant and grow their own food on a large scale.  They survived primarily in the physiological stage of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.  And quite honestly, I believe they may have been happy there.  They didn't know any better.  This was life.  That's all they knew.  We, as 21st century humans,  can't even begin to imagine it.  All our physiological needs  have been given to us since the day we were born.  Well, most of us.  I'm speaking largely to the civilized world and being very general.

What happened once we could plant and grow our own food?  We didn't have to hunt or gather as much so we could spend a little more time securing shelter (onto level 2 on the pyramid), sleeping, playing, and making babies.  Not so bad!  Sounds like fun!  We began to practice more personal security, like having a place of our own.  Perhaps a trading (financial) system was set up.

Ultimately over the next couple thousand years, we crept up the pyramid of needs finding love and belonging.  Having families, rather than communities, and began raising our own.  Friendships and other relationships began.  Towns and cities started to develop.  No longer did you have to keep searching for food, you could grow your own!

Up the pyramid you go and no longer was everyone working as a group, we were now working as individuals.  Which means feelings of self worth and comparison to others came into the picture.  And eventually we began to wonder what our place in this world really was.

Religion

Enter religion.  Mans search for meaning.  For purpose.  We had time to think about things beyond our comprehension.  Why did some days it rain?  Why is it cloudy some days?  Where does the heat go?  What is a day?  What are these feelings?  How does life work?   Why did she ignore my advances? How much screen time should my kids have?  Just kidding about that last one, we'll get there though. Man needed an explanation for the unknown.  He needed answers for the questions that plagued his soul.  Religion, belief in a higher power, belief that something bigger than us is at play can be very peaceful.  It removes us from worrying about it.  It has it's benefits.  I can understand the need for something like this.

It wasn't just one religion, either.  

So what do they all have in common? They all focus on community, group think.  They all have a "do unto others/golden rule" message.  Better to give than to receive.  Peacemaking. Reaping what you sow. Do no harm. Forgiveness. Don't anger.  And so many others.  These are basic "life guidelines".

But what happens when you can't unsee the fact that it's all made up.  What happens when you believe Jesus was a revolutionary person that changed the world, but there was no miracles, no resurrection, and no afterlife.

Pre agricultural revolution we lived in harmony with the world.  Post agricultural revolution we decided to do things our way.  To explain the world and find a reason for how it all works.  We thought it was good.  But was it?

Today

Fast forward to the 21st century.  Our world is a whole lot older than 2000 years.  Older than 6000.  It's millions of years old.  We are but a fragment.  Dust.  Not even a spec.  But our impact now is far greater than we ever could imagine.  We became Gods.  We began doing things as we see fit.

Wars began. Territories were fought over.  Violence ensued.  Governments and political powers came to be.

But I'm not going there.  This time period, despite what we hear, is one of the safest and least violent time periods ever.  But just because we are less violent doesn't mean damage isn't being done.

I don't know any easy way to transition to where I want to go. So I'll just do it.  Try to follow.

Chickens

I live in south-central Pennsylvania.  We have winter here.  Often times it gets cold, really cold.  We had an almost three week stretch where the weather was at or near zero degrees Fahrenheit.  Last summer we thought it would be a good idea to get chickens.  So we did!  The summer and fall were great!  But I knew winter was coming.  And on those cold days I began to worry about those little peckers.  But then I thought, "they're animals, they are supposed to live outside!"  But I had them shipped here.  They aren't local to Pa.  How could I expect them to survive the elements if they were never supposed to?  I couldn't.  I had to get my chickens extra warmth to prevent frostbite and keep them alive.

What's the point?  When we have food accessible to us 24/7, transportation available, and shelter easily made we can travel and live places we were never "designed" to live at.  Just like my chickens.  I put them here.  And in doing those things we are turning on and off certain genes in our body.

Shoes

Lets use another easy example.  Shoes.  Our bodies are perfectly designed to function without cushion and arch support.  The way the foot works with the ankle and leg is amazing.  When we start adding cushion and support we take away from what the foot and leg was created to do.  Those muscles become weaker and weaker and eventually lead to a host of health issues.  And that's just from wearing shoes.  Entire professions are based around the health of the foot.  But you'll maybe fine one in one hundred that suggest less or no shoe being the answer.  Why?

Are shoes useless?  Nope.  We use them for all sorts of things, but mainly they should be used as tools when absolutely necessary.  And those instances should be rare.  Because in the event you realize you may need shoes, you have to ask yourself is the thing you need shoes for even a thing we need to be doing?

Cars

I could say horses.  I could say anything other than your own two feet.  But once we began utilizing something other than our two feet for transportation, we began venturing into something unnatural.  Or maybe just undiscovered.  Now, with planes and even virtual communication.  Distance doesn't hold us back anymore.  It's not a bad thing, or is it?  We really don't know the long term effects of having these advantages.  They may turn out to be a huge disadvantage for human history.

Milk 

We don't need milk. We are the only species on the planet that drinks milk from another species.  You don't see any other animals regularly going around to lactating mothers and having a drink.  But we do?  Why? It began around the start of farming communities.  AKA, the agricultural revolution.  We were never supposed to drink milk.  We do not need it, but were led to believe it "does a body good".  It does.  When it's from your own species and you are an infant.  Not when you are 28 and eating it on your fruity pebbles.

But what economic impact would it have on millions of people if we did away with milk?  It would be horrible for so many.  So we accept milk and the risks that come with it.

The Brain Drain

That's my next theory.  How does all this advancing effect our brains?   Are depression, anxiety, and many other mental illnesses a byproduct of living in the 21st century?  Our brains, hormones and other bodily functions have NO IDEA how to deal with the stuff of todays age that we throw at it.

Just think about the stresses of modern day parenting.  All of that brain activity to just be a parent that wasn't required throughout almost all of human history us hard!  And there almost seems to be a message that if you can't handle it, you must have a problem.

And parenting is just one of many stressors!  Marriage, work, relationships, and so many others pile on. If you start to get anxious or depressed, you are told you have a chemical imbalance and need to take this drug to fix it.  While that may be true.  You may very well have a chemical imbalance.  But it's not cause you are broken.  It's likely happened when we are faced with the daunting task of trying to live in the 21st century.  So give yourself some slack.

Don't get me wrong,  I'm not saying these aren't real problems.  They are!  I've dealt and continue to deal with my own mental battles.  But knowing that my brain was never designed to handle this world has made the process much easier.  It takes the pressure and expectation off of myself.  This is not the world our brains have evolved to live in.

I'm also not saying that parenting causes this.  Not at all!  Although, my symptoms got incredibly worse once becoming a parent.  Being a parent can be an incredibly joyous experience! But the stresses of modern day parenting wreak havoc on our emotions and our brain chemistry!

Facebook Brain

This should need little explanation.  We have no idea the long term implications of the information age.  While you could argue it's nice to know what's going on around the world, we don't need to know.  It's not in our genetic makeup to know what's going on around the world.  And any reason we should need to know what's going on, is a byproduct of something else we probably shouldn't be doing.  

I like to view our brains like I view a computer.  We have long term memory and short term working memory.  You know, the memory that is needed to run several programs at once.  Call it operating capacity if you wish.  

In todays world our brains are expected to function at a maxed out operating capacity.  So many of our senses our firing at one time.  Emotions from all things are flooding in by the minute.  Information is being fed to us from every angle.  Have you ever been trying to catch up on facebook, thinking about that day at work, thinking about your friend with cancer, about what you will make for dinner, the house that needs cleaned, about how you are going to pick up the car from the garage AND pick up the kids from soccer practice, hoping the baby will sleep for at least 10 more minutes, and......the list goes on.  God forbid if another child or something else starts asking you for ONE more thing during this period or you will lose your shit.

Being connected has some necessary benefits, but it comes at a cost.

The Grain Drain 

Another example, everything that is man made that we eat changes the chemical/hormonal balance of our bodies.  We can't keep eating fake, processed food and expect our bodies and brains to be perfectly fine.  And we can't even wait to adapt to it.  Why?  Because big pharma comes up with a drug that you can take to "correct" what ails you.  Type 2 diabetes got you down?  Here, have some insulin.

Type 2 diabetes is caused by a diet that is out of balance with you.  You can prevent it, treat it, and manage it by diet alone.  Type 2 diabetes is also a man made disease.  But don't worry, you don't have to change your lifestyle, you can have this drug.

Why do I bring up Type 2 diabetes?  Because by 2040 it will be the biggest threat to America if people don't clean up their diet.  The total cost of diabetes is 322 BILLION dollars and on the rise.  Follow the money on that one.  If you have prediabetes or type 2 diabetes there is hope beyond medication!  I strongly encourage you to look into it!

Exercise 

If you want to dive a little deeper into this idea.  Could you imagine our primal ancestors all running a 5k before they started eating their fresh kill?  Not a chance!  And it's not because they didn't have enough food that they were skinny.  It's because what they ate was natural to the body's condition.  The fitness AND food industry are making BILLIONS off the idea that you need to exercise to burn off those extra calories.  NEWSFLASH!!!!  It doesn't work that way.  Weight loss and gain starts in the kitchen.  Period.  

Financial Impact

So much of our world today is comprised of things that we were led to believe we need but are absolutely unnatural to the human existence.  And we need to be careful!  Or at least be aware. And I'm worried.

I'm worried because we have trillions of dollars tied up in things that we don't need and may even be harmful to us.  People have built there livelihoods and incomes based on lies.  And I'm not accusing them.  They could have been largely ignorant.

I'm worried for the future of humanity.

Point Being

Almost everything today is unnatural to us.  We haven't had time to evolve and adapt.  And unfortunately we'll never be able to.  Every time we encounter an error or hardship, we invent something to fix it.  But we don't really fix the problem, we just figure out a way to live with the problem.  In fact, we may even be creating more problems for ourselves with each problem we fix!

And most of us don't even realize we are doing it.

Advancement comes at a cost.  But we don't know we are being charged.  And when we finally do get the bill, I'm not certain we are going to be able to pay for it.

Have I gone completely off my rocker?  Well, a rocker is a man made invention.  I was never supposed to be on the rocker in the first place.  So if I fell off, it was my fault for even getting on the rocker.

Jon.  You are crazy.  What the hell are you even talking about?

Nothing today existed 100,000 years ago.  Nothing today existed 50,000 years ago.  Hell, hardly anything that exists today even did 100 years ago.  How do we expect to be able to process all this change so fast?  Can we even handle it?

Long Story Short

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.  I don't know that I have many solutions.  Other than for us to take a good hard look at what we are doing right now and how that will impact the future.  We are guinea pigs.  We've never done this in the history of the world (that we know of).  

Be careful.  Just because it's available to use doesn't mean it's safe nor should be done.

At the end of all this, advancement is good, right?  Is it?  What are we advancing for?  Will we eventually out advance ourselves? A.I. anyone? Will we out advance the earth? Next thing you know they'll be trying to find ways for us to live on the moon!

What are we doing?  We are moving forward with no goal.  No end.  No nothing but doing whatever we think feels good in the moment.  

This blog was also brought to you unnaturally and no human was ever supposed to read it. 

My friend, a gentle soul with a heart of gold, Pete.

A couple years ago I worked part time for an at-risk youth organization. We met with youth in their late teens and early twenties who had or were about to age out of the system and needed help finding a job, getting into school, and basic life guidance. Issues ranged from having addiction problems or had come from an otherwise dysfunctional family or difficult environment. It was both gratifying and heartbreaking.  It was and still is a tremendous organization and those that founded it have a tremendous passion for helping young men. I admire them greatly.

There was a man named Pete that volunteered countless hours to the group. He was older, and in his 60's. He had overcome his own addiction problems and had a heart for these young men. He knew how to help people get clean and he knew an addict when he saw one.  He gave his all to these young men, and to me.

As much as Pete would do for this group, he made me uneasy. We butted heads quite a bit. He hit all my triggers. He was intense, yet had a heart of gold. He brought up things that made me incredibly emotional. I was uncomfortable around Pete. Pete would often make some of our students, and myself angry. He would often make them cry and push them to the brink of their emotions. I was mad at Pete for doing this. 

Pete didn't have much patience for me when I got that way. These situations were heated and I can’t say I ever enjoyed them. 

Helping those in difficult situations isn’t always enjoyable.

Pete would often ask if he could come watch me work.  He said I was good and he enjoyed watching people that were good at what they do. Naturally I didn't think I was that good. All I did was take pallets apart and make all things with them like tables and chairs. I never invited Pete to do that. Nor did I find time getting together with Pete over the past few years.

Pete scared the shit out of me.

 I just wanted Pete to be my friend.  I didn’t want him to say things that would cause us to argue or me to get mad.  I wanted to have a normal relationship. 

It wasn’t until about a week ago that I realized that’s what Pete wanted to. But he had something else in store for me first.

Truth is, I wasn't ever really scared of Pete.  I was scared of what Pete brought out me.  Pete was trying to help me not be afraid anymore.

Pete saw me for what I was. An adult child of an alcoholic that had a whole laundry list of mental, emotional and social drawbacks. I wasn't aware of the majority of them at the time, but Pete was. And he saw me, a young man desperately in need of guidance.

You could say Pete wasn't the greatest at helping bring about that change in a "soft" way. He didn't mess around. But he wanted to help. And he could, if you'd let him. I never let him.

Looking back I recognize all the chances he gave me. I see all the ways I got in the way of how he was trying to help those in our program. I see all the ways I got in the way of him trying to help me.
I needed that program as much as they needed me. Scratch that, those guys didn't need me. They needed Pete. I was just there to drive and tell jokes.  

I regret the times I got in the way of what Pete was trying to do.

I’m not exactly sure what made me revisit all these feelings a week ago.  I’m not sure what made me look for characteristic traits of an Adult child of an Alcoholic. Sunday, January 7th 2018, is the day that it became undeniably clear to me what Pete’s role in my life was for.  An apology was due for me not understanding at the time and I was hoping he could help me with the difficulties I would experience moving forward.

Monday morning, January 8th, Pete passed away. I’ll never get a chance to tell him. 

Pete was a hero.  Pete is a hero.  Words will not be able to express how much he will be missed by so many.  

I love you, Pete.  Rest easy my friend. You’re still helping me.

Goodbye, old friend.

I sat on the floor by the couch coaxing the old dog to come over and sit with me for those final moments. In his earlier years he would have obliged and came over, tolerated me for a minute or two, and moved along. But today he just laid there and looked with exhaustion in his eyes. 



Exhaustion may not be the best word to describe that look. Happy was my wife’s dog. He’s been with her longer than I have, nearly 15 years. He was with her while she was at grad school in another state, keeping her company, keeping her safe, and perhaps keeping her a little sane. When she would come home and visit, that’s when he met me.  They told me he came across as a  little aggressive but not to worry as he’d never hurt anyone. He reminds me of someone I know quite well, too well. So naturally, when he barked at me, I barked back. I met Happy in full force that day. It was telling of the years to come. 



Over the next few months and into the spring Emily and I’s relationship blossomed along with the season.  I asked her to marry me on Easter of 2006 and we got married later that year. This would mean me also accepting Happy into my life.  



Our life together since has been full of good times and bad and Happy has been with her through it all. She was always his first priority. I’ve never seen a dog so committed and loyal to it’s owner.  He never stopped reminding me that he had her first. Happy was always hers. And I never wanted to take that away.



I’d be lying if I wasn’t a little jealous of their relationship. Everyone dreams about having a dog like happy. A dog that follows you to the ends of the earth. One that learns your varying work schedule and waits for you at the door until you come home. One that waits for you outside the bathroom just to make sure you are ok. One that sits with you while you are in the pains of infertility.  One that sits with you as you care for the miracles we call children that one day come. One that sits and comforts you in the midst of lifes unknowns. Happy always knew just what you needed.  I wanted a dog like Happy for me.



He rarely got into trouble. The occasionally chasing of a bicyclist or barking at deliveries was all the harm he had ever done. Sometimes it was hard to even classify him as “dog”.  Even when Emily was gone, he never treated me with the love he gave her. I think he was recharging during those times. He used me to provide food for him and a place to use the restroom.  Every morning when I would wake up, he would pass me in the hallway on his way to lay on my side of the bed. Though I’m sure in his mind he was waiting for me to get out of his side of the bed. I’d like to think he really enjoyed finding rest in the indentation my shoulder left on the mattress, but I really think he was just reclaiming the spot with “his” scent. And I’m pretty sure the big hole by my shoulder was exactly the size of Happy. 


Never the less, I loved that dog. I could write a book based on the life of Happy. It would be called “I, Happy”.  If any a pet would have a book written about them, it would certainly be him.



It wasn’t exhaustion I saw in his eyes, it was peace. Knowing that his time had come to an end, he laid there completely victorious, a job well done.  He wouldn’t quit. He would never give up despite poor health and tremendous fatigue, to care for his family. Happy gave us an example of what complete unselfish and unconditional love is. And for that I am incredibly grateful.

When I moved to lay with him on the cold, hard floor, He leaned into me.  For the first time ever in the history of our togetherness, HE leaned into me.  He offered a lightly audible grunt that seemed to have said, 



“She’s yours now. I believe you finally understand what it takes to love someone the way they need and deserve to be loved. I trust you, don’t ever forget what I’ve shown you.” 





I won’t, Happy. In those final moments I realized that I did have a dog just like Happy. I had Happy. A dog that was there for me and helped me in the areas I needed it the most. 


We said goodbye that morning as Happy drifted peacefully into eternity in our hearts, never to be forgotten. 

It's 5 o'clock and Cold

Let's talk about fake news. I think I get it. I don't like fake news.

In my opinion, lawyers can be great at fake news. They present the truth that's not exactly the truth. But the way that the story is told isn't not true, but it's not true either.

For example.  The song by 2003 song by Alan Jackson, "It's 5 o'clock somewhere".   It's not actually 5pm where he is, but it's 5pm somewhere in the world.  He's not wrong.  But if someone only heard him say, it's 5pm but not the rest of the story, they'd be misled.

I know, poor example.  Lets talk about one that I was knee deep in thought with yesterday. Presenting an argument about something that isn't wrong, but it's not right either.  The song, "Baby, it's cold outside."  If you read the lyrics of this song in todays world without the proper context, the song appears to be about a man pressuring a women to stay the night against her will.  That's horrible.  In fact, the first time I really listened to the lyrics I was pretty disgusted and couldn't believe that song was being played.

Yesterday I saw someone post that if you don't see that this song is about sexual assualt and rape, than you might be part of the problem.  Well, didn't want to be part of the problem.  So I did a fair amount of research into the history of the song and I came to find out to the best of my knowledge that the song is NOT about sexual assault and rape. But I can understand that if you heard it without the proper context you could make a valid case that it was. But I think that would be unfair to the original artist.

The song was written in the late 30's, early 40's.  The couple involved wanted to spend the night together buy at the time that would have been looked down upon. The lady says she should leave (not because she doesn't want to stay, but fear of what others would say if she stayed). But the man gives her an out. Something to say to people when they ask. It's cold outside.  You'll freeze. The fire is warm here.

The line about "what's in this drink?" isn't one of question. It's a line we've all used to explain actions we knew we wouldn't do otherwise by saying we had to much to drink.

But I also understand that this song, if played out in the literal sense, could have gone another way. The man could have offered to drive her home, or walk her home.  But he didn't, and she didn't want him to. Or maybe she did want to leave and he was trying to convince her to stay using his power and persistency. That would be awful. But I don't believe for one second that's what the original artist intended. Unless his wife, who performed the song with him was also into that and ok with it.

I get it that people might not like this song. It may even trigger a bad experience. And I'm sorry about that. I don't really like the song, either.  But don't make something up about the song to further a point. Use it as a teaching point. But don't make the song the enemy. The very thing the song is pushing up against is the enemy. The unfair societal expectations and others assuming things without all the information. Be mad at those.

I won't hide this song from my kids. But I will explain to them what they are talking about if it comes up. I can even use this song to teach consent. But I will not make the song about the promotion and acceptance of sexual assault and rape. That's fake news.

Figuring out my Christmas

I got the Christmas feels this morning.

Wait.

I got the Christmas music feels this morning. There is a difference. Thanks to August Burns Red's version of "O Holy Night".  

It made me tear up a little bit. Again, not sure if it was the amazing composure of the song done by ABR or the emotions of Christmas. It's hard to tell when it comes to music. It moves you. Think of Braveheart without the soundtrack, it just wouldn't be the same. But that's not what this blog is about.

I grew up with Christianity as our families belief. We went to church every Sunday and were involved in Wednesday night activities. I continued to go to church after I moved out and was on my own. Church and Christianity were always a part of my life. Until about 3 years ago. I can't really pinpoint exactly what made me begin to question this thing called Church and Christianity. It always felt good, until it didn't.

The holiday season is also more difficult when some of the best memories you had of them were from childhood. And when childhood memories no longer are the same as they once were, it doesn't help the situation much. The wounds may heal, but the scars remain. It's kinda like Harry Potter's scar. It doesn't always hurt, but when it hurts, it's crippling.

I know I'm not the only one. And it's not something that is easy to process. There are so many different emotions involved in this. Sadness, anger, hurt, frustration, confusion, doubt, but rarely ever peace. You want to believe, but you can't.

For me I think I started using Sunday mornings for my long runs. These typically took me several hours to complete and was a form of "church" for me. But when the weather turned cold and I wasn't running anymore, I never went back. I stayed home and made music in the studio that I had put together in our garage. This was also like church to me. I wrote about the mental battles I was facing with much of that emotion reflected in the songs I wrote.  

"I wish I had a hope, a wish or a dream that could manifest.

To escape this sorry life and run away, chase the setting sun so that the darkness stays away.  

But it’s like a trap, the lights go out but I can’t say goodbye from the darkness of my life.  

Metal chains have me locked up, bound and broken, crucified to this lie and I can’t.  Breathe."  

After several months to a year of this I realized that nothing really changed significantly as a result of not attending church. I did notice that nobody from the church I grew up in really noticed my absence either. There was a few, though. I can count them using fingers on one hand. 

This was not an easy thing. There was a lot of turmoil both interior and exterior. My views of the world and humanity began to change. Celebrating things like Thanksgiving became harder knowing that it's not as "happy" as the picture is painted. Christmas and Easter are more difficult and you have to begin to look at them from a more secular view. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, many do it. But how you've celebrated these holidays for your entire existence is changing. It's hard to adjust from normal. 

I still don't attend church. I've become a "Chreaster". I don't pray. I don't read the Bible. I don't really buy into christianity or the American Church anymore. Even though the many in the church I would attend if I attended say that even if Jesus and Christianity wasn't real they'd still be the same people and love people the same. I believe them. But to attend you have to believe the same "thing" they believe or you won't really fit in. It's tough. Because many of them would say I could. But I can't. 

Yet. 

This morning I also heard a the song, "What Child is This?" by Future of Forestry.  Also a spectacular song.  August Burns Red has a pretty amazing version too. 

But, Jesus. 

I still cling to hope that Jesus was a real person. Besides, other religions point to Jesus. He must be real. And from what I read, Jesus was a rebel. He came to flip religion on its head. He came to love. He came to live. He came to die. And I believe Jesus loved people so much that he couldn't bear the amount of people that were being killed via crucifixion, so many that they ran out of trees, that he said....

"Me Too" 

This is the time of year his birth is celebrated. Can I get behind that? Who is Jesus? I'd ask him, but even Jesus himself asked the question. He asked his disciples what others said who he was. He asked his disciples who they thought he was. Did Jesus even know the depths that he would impact the world? 

This Christmas I want to gain an understanding of who Jesus was. Not on an emotional or spiritual level, but a biographical study of the person of Jesus. What if Jesus didn't want a religion behind him? What if he didn't want billions of dollars tied up in religious buildings and other offerings? How will we ever know? More has been written about Jesus in the past 20 years than in the previous 2000. 

I guess maybe the best thing I can do is to be the best me I know how to be. I think that's what Jesus would be. 

I was hoping writing this out would bring some clarity. I was hoping it would bring me to some new level of peace with my beliefs.  But as I'm wrapping up, I realized that I was already there.  

And I am always reminded that when writing blogs like this, why people end up writing books instead. 

Just. No.

Cool God story time.

This morning I was up at 1:30am to take my missionary friends to the airport. I enjoy the extra time I get to spend with them and the trust they place in me to always pick them up and drop them off on time when they return home. Well, at 1:45am this morning I accidentally locked my keys in our van.  This was a very peculiar thing to happen seeing as how there is usually at least one unlocked door at all times due to faulty lock actuators. So the fact that all the doors got locked was incredibly rare. With no time to spare, I knew the only thing to do was to take my truck, and leave the van idling by it's lonesome in our driveway.

Upon arrival at their location to pick them up, it was evident that the amount of luggage would NOT have fit in the van without the passengers being VERY uncomfortable and unsafe for the 2 hour drive to BWI. It was actually a blessing in disguise that I had the truck. For a moment I thought what mysterious ways God works. That He knew the amount of luggage and space requirements to keep all passengers safe. He allowed the doors to be locked on purpose so I would have no other option to take the truck. What a cool and thoughtful dude God is to do something like that.  Right?  He knew we had roadside assistance from State Farm and they'd be able to come get the doors unlocked as soon as I got home even though I didn't even know we had roadside assistance until I got home.  So amazing that God is to take care of those little things.

No. No. No. No. No. Just, No.  Don't even try to spin it that way. I was careless. I locked the keys in the van. God had nothing to do with it. Why and how can I say that so confidently? Because of all the atrocities and vile things that happen in this world that God doesn't intervene. Everything worked out perfect for us this morning despite the circumstances. Things don't always work out perfectly for anyone else that faces trials and hardships in life that are much worse that locking their keys in the van. People get abused, assaulted, murdered, left for dead when one small intervention from God could have saved them. But that doesn't happen. How selfish would it have to be for me to think that God had any type of intervention on that event that I experienced this morning?

What's my point? I just wish people would stop giving credit to God when there is no evidence God had anything to do with something. Give yourself some credit, give yourself some blame.

Anyway. Just some thoughts this morning.

a long blog about the NFL, Trump, the National Anthem, Church and Bitches.

Couple things this morning that I'd like to get off my chest.  I wasn't going to weigh in on the NFL, Donald, the NBA, or the National Anthem.  But I will.

First, I used to write about all the things I didn't like about church, christianity, and a belief in a higher power.  But you know what?  I still like church.  I don't go often.  But I still remain friends with several people that do and even help out when there is a need.   I can not like something, disagree with something, perhaps not even believe in something, but still love the people involved, believe in their hearts, and what they are doing.

So I get it, you like Trump.  You think he's the greatest.  Fine.   But you have to remember something.  It's a really important detail.  He's the President of the United States of America.   His primary goal is to make America great for all citizens.   Right now, he's trying to make America great for himself and only those that support him.  His words create division.  He is not careful with what he says and the consequences that may follow.   He is disrespectful to our fellow man, regardless of you feel about said man, or woman.  This past Friday, September 22, he called many amazing mothers, "bitches".  Mothers that sacrificed so much so their sons could play a sport they loved.  With his wreckless words, he called them all bitches.  This man is so foolish with the things he says he doesn't realize that when you call a man, a son of a bitch, you are not criticizing the man.  You are criticizing his mother.  This is appalling, unacceptable behavior for a president.  And many that support him are willing to overlook this absurdity.  Guess what, you don't have to.  You deserve better.  You can expect more from the person you elected.  More class.  More professionalism.  And still be a supporter.  You don't have to take everything he says and worship it.  Just like the relationship I have with the church.  I can still recognize the good, while being unsettled about much of it and do it in a way that means no disrespect to those that still attend church.

But why protest during the National Anthem?  Well, why not?  It's peaceful.  It's not disrupting.  Think about the same scenario in a different environment.  Lets go back to church.  Imagine the whole congregation all walking up front to take communion and you saw a few remaining seated.  Wouldn't the first inclination be to sit down next to them and ask them what's wrong?   Rather, what our president is suggesting is to yell at that person, call him a son of a bitch, and demand he be removed from the premises for not participating.

The National Anthem is an important song to many.  It holds a lot of value and honor.  Even if the full song is controversial and has racist roots.  We've been able to ignore that and use the good parts of it as a sign and symbol of this great nation.  And America is pretty great.  For many people.  But sadly, still not all people.  And I'm not willing to settle for the fact that it's still better than other countries.

But many people are confusing the National Anthem with a celebratory act or moment to honor our military and veterans.  That's not what the National Anthem is about.  The anthem is about celebrating our country.  And if you can't fully celebrate our country, why fake it?  Why stand up even though you have some unsettling feelings about it?  Just like the person sitting for communion.  Something is keeping you from fully engaging in the celebration and remembrance.  So, rather than tell them to GTFO, perhaps listening to their concerns would be a better option.  Seek to understand the plights of our fellow Americans.

Because that's what we all are, fellow Americans.   And this is America.  We have certain unalienable rights.  Like the pursuit of liberty.  Freedom.  America is great.  But being great doesn't mean perfect. And I commend the people that see things that need to change, that bring awareness to it, and that do something to push the process of change forward.  And one of the first ways to bring change is to bring awareness to a problem.

I'm going to let alone the fact that Donald withdrew his invitation to the GS Warriors because there was some hesitation from one of the players to go.  But....

Be the bigger person, Mr. President.  Say something like, "I'm sorry you are hesitant to come to the White House Mr. Curry.  It's an honor to visit a place with such history and importance.  Your hesitation is concerning and I'd like to hear what's on your mind."   "Mr. Kaepernick, I've seen you kneeling for the National Anthem.  This song is a very important symbol to this great nation.  What can I do as President of this Nation to help you be able to stand and be proud of the country in which you live?"  But no,  this man in the White House....people say he's got a backbone.  No.  He has no backbone at all.  When he doesn't get his way or thinks someone doesn't like him, he turns into a whiny little crybaby and throws a big hissy fit.  Being successful in business doesn't mean you'd make a good president, and he's proven that for sure.   Sorry, I may have had you up until this point.  But sometimes truth comes up and slaps you in the face.