This post is not sexual by any means.

I read an article this morning about a motorcycle crash in Kentucky.  There was a man who had taken a photograph of the accident and it appears to have a ghostly like figure rising from the body of the victim.  Photoshopped or not, I don't know.  Maybe.  Maybe it was a camera thing.  I've had light orbs show up in photo's I've taken that aren't visible to the naked eye.  Hell, cartoon characters even show up on peoples cameras that aren't visible to the naked eye.  However, give it time, I'm sure people will start believing that they've always been there.

Back to the spirit like thing.  I see a lot of comments that it's beautiful.  What's beautiful about it?  That someone died?  Or the opportunity to see something that is most likely total coincidence or a photoshopped image?  Some saying it looks just like a spirit.  I have a question...what exactly does a spirit look like?  A human shape?  Have you seen many?  What about a the make up of a spirit would make it visible?

I feel incredibly sorry for the family who just lost someone.  If they want to believe they saw a spirit leave the body, great.  I don't want to take that from them.  But that's for them.  Not everyone who's lost a loved one has an experience like that.

I've had experiences where things have been almost too coincidental.  That it was pretty obvious something supernatural really could have occurred.  But every single time, they were still natural.  Just rare.  I was 18 and was driving my 1993 Nissan Extended cab pickup listening to P.O.D. and the song "Thinking about Forever" came on.   I wasn't in the best of spirits and the song mentioned about if you can hear me, give me a sign, send her a butterfly or two.  And at that moment, one of those little white butterflies flew through the cab of the truck?  Supernatural?  The song said "her" not "him".  So...  BUT....It was still a neat experience.

I've had several other like that as well.  Guess what though...they usually happen when I'm looking for them.  When I'm trying to make sense of things.

Why am I writing this?  I hate when people are so convinced their spiritual encounter is real.  It may have been....but maybe that encounter was just for you and you alone.  Don't cast your pearls before swine.  Not everyone is going to meet your excitement about it.  Keep it to yourself and continue to move forward based on your experience.

I had someone ask if I wanted to hear a God moment.  I rolled my eyes and said sure.  Now, they live in the smallest house in their neighborhood.  It's only about 4000 square feet with a finished basement and they are constantly making upgrades to everything.  So, very modest people.  they were looking to find a certain type of plant for their landscaping and where having a hard time doing it.  Well, on their way home they were held up for an odd reason.  And when they finally pulled back into her development they saw a landscaper putting this type of plant into his truck.  So they stopped and asked what he was doing with them.  He was going to toss them, so they asked if they could have them and he obliged.  They were so excited.  They were convinced God held them up so they'd see this guy throwing away the plants.  Good for them.  I'm glad they had a marvelous experience.

Here's my problem....So many people are waiting on God because that's all they have.  They are wondering where there next meal is, where they might sleep tonight.  And here's someone who is clearly taken care of excited that God gave them this plant to put in her 4000+ sq. ft. house with a finished basement who boasts that they have over $600k in the bank and could pay the house off but like the tax benefits of having a mortgage.

That all being said.  I know this person has to deal with their own issues.  And I'm certainly not implying that God will not take care of the desires of their heart.  But sometimes, it's helpful to keep that God moment to yourself when others right in front of you can hardly even put food on their table.

How about sorry?

I'm learning.  I'm learning how much of a jerk I used to be.  Usually I didn't even realize it.  However, the more I grow and the more healing that happens the more I see the way I used to act in other people.  There are even times that people think they are helping, but they aren't.  I often did this.  I still do.  I'm trying desperately to get better at it.  I don't often know how.  But then I see news stories like the one out of Homestead, Pennsylvania this morning.  It was about a  couple that didn't want to sit next to a group of police officers at an eat and park.  So they paid their bill and left a 10 dollar tip. Good on them, right?    

"Sir, your check was paid for by the police officers you didn't want to sit next to. Thank you for your support."  

Yesterday I noticed an image on Facebook.  I wasn't friends with this person, but because of my friends liking and commenting I was able to see the pictures.  I knew they people in the photos.  They were great photos.  But there was one that concerned me.  And quite honestly, made me a little queasy to think about it.  I'm not going to go into detail though.  It was bothering me throughout the day and I had to ask.  So last night I sat up for a half hour to write a paragraph of an unasked for response.  I couldn't let it go.  But I also know this person that posted it meant no harm or ill intent.  So I wrote, re wrote, and wrote again this message.  I did not want to hurt them in any way.  Or feel like I was criticizing them.  I just wanted to explain the unintended consequences that may occur for her and others when posting such a photo.  I wanted to be soft and caring.  I tried really hard.  And it worked.  They thanked me and were totally unaware of might occur as a result.  It was a pleasant exchange and I'm glad I took the time to realize the impact of what my words may hold.   

Some call his being politically correct.  I call it being empathetic to how one might feel.  I call it being a mature, responsible, caring adult.  

Writing in this blog is different.  I'm not singling anyone out.  Usually.  And if I do, I try hard to be empathetic to what they'd feel if they'd read it.  This is new for me.  And it's a work in progress.  

So if those officers ever read this, I hope they know I'm sincerely trying to help when I told them their gesture was nice but their motive seems unclear to me.  It seems from the note that they are bitter.  That they are telling the couple that their feelings are unwarranted.    Perhaps a note as this would have been better.....

"We're sorry you didn't feel as though you could sit next to us.  We realize there is a tension in America that isn't necessarily friendly towards us cops.  We understand.  In an effort to show you that we aren't like some of the others that abuse their power, please accept this gift of us paying your bill.  And don't worry about the tip, we got that as well.  I hope next time we'll be able to have a nice meal together.  Sincerely, your neighborhood boys in blue."

Because as it stands and seeing some of the stories,  the note they left and the way it's being reported are making the person that didn't want to sit there seem like an asshole.  We don't know why they didn't want to sit there, maybe the seat was under an AC vent.  Or maybe they wanted a private table to talk about personal stuff.  Or maybe they just aren't feeling friendly towards police right now. We don't know.  And this note only creates further division over people that may be hurt by the actions of police.   Turns out, the couple smiled and thanked the officers.  And maybe I'm being overly concerned about how what one says impacts others.  But I don't think that's possible today.  Considering the current tensions.  

That all being said.  I'm sure there is a large majority of police officers that are in a difficult place.  That have only done good things for their community and treated all people with respect.  They've been given a bad name based on the actions of a few.  And they have to prove to everyone that they are good cops!  That would certainly be frustrating.  I can understand that.  I'd be frustrated too if someone stereotyped me based on my uniform, how I looked, the clothes I wear or if I was walking or riding a skateboard.   Just because I looked like someone else.  Incredibly frustrating.  

I hope you see the point I'm trying to make.  It's sad, but in todays culture if you look the part people will treat you like the part.   It's not right.  And I hate it.  The only way to change this is to extend some grace to the people that treat us and stereotype us like how we look.  This goes both ways.  Don't just expect people to know you are sweetheart if you don't look like a sweetheart.  Prove it.  With your actions too.  This goes to EVERYONE.  Myself included. 

When we were in Atlantic City last weekend, I went down to the car to pick up a few things. I mentioned the elevator problems.  So when you are waiting for the elevator with someone that may make you uncomfortable, it can be weird.  A mother with her three mixed race kids came up and pushed their floor button and waited.  Within seconds one of the children came up to me, a long haired, barefoot, tatted up guy and asks to see my muscles.   I could see the mom tense up.  So I knelt down and gave him one of my best "that way to the beach" muscles I could make.  He was so excited.  He wanted to watch it move. And he was touching the rock hard firmness of my bicep and was quite impressed.  The mom still seemed tense.  I turned to the children and asked to see their muscles.  The friendly boy lifted his shirt sleeve back and made a muscle.  I responded letting him know I'm glad he moved his shirt!  I would't have wanted to see it rip with the size of his bicep!  The young kids didn't get it.  But the mom said she's sorry, her son is autistic.  

I told her she need not apologize.  I would have never guessed nor cared.  She was probably so burnt out trying to keep her 2 kids, plus the third who is autistic in line at the beach.  All while trying to enjoy and relax.  And you could tell it was draining.  It was a solid 7 minutes that I spent with those kids waiting for and riding the muscle elevator.   I hope that if at least for those 7 minutes I made life a little bit better.  Despite how out of my own comfort zone that put me.  

You Know What Else is a Sin?

I've got no good way of starting this...so here goes.

You know how many times over the past year I've heard someone tell me they are worried about me? Or that they are concerned for the direction my life is headed?  

Zero.  

A few have sat down and asked how I was doing.  

Very few have even reached out over a message to say whats up.  

It's also usually from some of those people who tell me that others have been asking about me.  Which I find quite interesting because none of those people they speak of asked me themselves.  It leaves me wondering.  Why not?  I have my theories, and I'll share one.  But you know what else it does?  It makes me wonder how much of a monster I really appear to be.  How much of a loose cannon I might be to have people afraid to approach me about things.  And this only makes me further retreat into my cave of solitude.  

Most of the people that don't ask me directly are often bothered by some of the things I write.  They are convinced I'm wrong or in a dark place.  By consulting another about me, they have their chance to try to sway that other person on why they are right about me.  And isn't that like gossip?  Talking about someone behind their back?  That's a sin right?  And not only is the one inquiring about said person sinning, they are trying to bring another person into it with them.  Some of these same people who are so quick to call out other people and their "sins" are so blatantly ignoring their own sins.  And these are the "holy" people that think they know what's best for everyone.  Or so they think.   

End of the day...if you really care about someone, talk to them.  And if you think you can't talk to them, ask yourself why you even want to in the first place.  If it's important enough to you, you'll figure out a way to cultivate some sort of relationship so you can get to know them and can discuss whatever problem or concern you have with them.  

There are tar pits in Los Angeles where over 3 million fossils have been found.  From prey to predators they are all there.  Wooly Mammoths would be fascinated by the reflective surface and assume water was available only to find themselves stuck in the tar pit.  They wouldn't be able escape it's clutches leaving them to a long, slow, and painful death.  Often times a predator would see the struggling prey and get stuck themselves.  Both suffering in agony.  As equals.  I bet they became friends as they lay struggling in the pits.  Neither can help the other, Neither can destroy the other.  The Mammoth and Sabre finally get a chance to learn about each other.  

Maybe we should approach life like the two mammals left for dead in the tar pit.  As equals.  Otherwise...we die.  A long.  Slow.  Painful. Death.  Standing right next to our opposition, ignoring their plight the whole time.  

In the tar pits....we are all equal.  

Taking a Stand

I'll be honest.  I haven't follow much of the recent shootings that have occurred.  I know two black men were gunned down for what looks like no real threat.  I know many police in Dallas have lost their lives or were injured in protest.  I know there have been many peaceful protests all around the county.  I know there are many people that still don't understand the #BlackLivesMatter movement.  I'm not here to explain that to you.  Because if you don't understand by now, I don't think you are really trying to understand.  It's not that complicated.  There is still a huge race problem in America.

We all stereotype. We all judge.  We see a person that "looks" a certain way and assume things about them.  I know this because I've seen it firsthand.  I've done it.  We make judgements based on the first look.  We've been taught this since we were kids.  "Make a good first impression" they say.  Most often this is based upon looks.  Like when  guy on a motorcycle pulls up in leather, long hair and tattoos.  What do you think?  You see a group of skateboarders, what are you going to assume they are up to?  How about a group of teens hiding around a discreet part of your small town?  How about when you realize your 2 and 4 year old go upstairs and have been quiet for 5 minutes?   Or a group of young black men sitting on a park bench laughing and having a good time?  What are they laughing at?

We make assumptions when we come across these circumstances.   Do we base our assumptions on past experience?  Are we only using caution?  Maybe.  But since when are all bikers the same?  When are all young black men the same?  When are all skateboarders the same?  When are all barefoot, long-haired, tatted up guys the same?  They aren't.  And we have to stop treating people by what they look like.  Until we do, nothing changes.  And if people keep looking at you and treating someone a certain way, guess what?  They'll start acting like it.  Don't believe me...look at any book on human development.  If a skateboarder is going to be treated like a criminal when they aren't ever doing anything wrong, they are going to start acting like one.  Why not?  People think you are anyway right?  It gets exhausting trying to reverse stereotypes.


That's when it's time for people like me, a middle class white dude to do something.  There are a lot of people groups that are sick and tired of fighting for a change.  Of fighting for equality.  And it's time people like me take over.  And by fight...it doesn't have to be one.  But I can see how it may have escalated to one.   We are all humans.  We are all people.  We all have our own uniqueness.  We all have our own flaws.   That doesn't make any of us any less human.  Stop judging motive.  Stop assuming.  Stop stereotyping.  If you really want to judge someone, go to school.  Get your degree and be a judge.  Sign up for jury duty.

A friend of mine told me once I needed to pick a side to stand on.  I wanted to stand in the middle, because if I stand in the middle of the road it stops traffic on both sides.  Which is true, but sometimes you need to pick a side and stand with the people on the one side of the road who are stuck.  That try to get out of this hole they were thrown into.  All the people passing by look on, "not my problem, I didn't put them there."  But they aren't doing anything to help them out.   They are maintaining status quo.   But what if everyone just stopped and helped.  That friend that told me that, always stopped for people that broke down.  Picked up hitchhikers too.  He's a real stand up dude.  And often got berated for his good deeds.  He was right.  You need to pick a side.  Until that side is so full of people it overflows and forces everyone to mingle with each other.  When there is no longer one line in the middle of division.

If I were to be honest

Like I said yesterday.  We took an impromptu road trip to Atlantic City yesterday.  It was a weird day for me.  I usually like road trips, thought we haven't taken many with our kids yet.  Sometimes I like getting there more than actually being there.  And then I get bored and want to go back home.  There is one place where that doesn't happen....when I go to haiti.  I don't currently have plans for another trip there.  But it is beckoning.

Back to AC.  The kids had fun yesterday and were fairly well behaved.  We didn't do much.  Went to an aquarium.  Josiah touched some sharks (and so did his mommy, well, one shark one time).  Had lunch but I wasn't hungry.  We then went and tried to find a coffee shop so I could get some coffee with heavy cream, cause that's my jam.  Found a nice coffee shop four miles away.  THEY HAD NO HEAVY CREAM.  What kind of coffee shop doesn't have heavy cream?  Ventnor Coffee.  That's what kind.  The ice cream and smoothie shop next door didn't even have any.  Ventnor No 7311 does though!   We made our way back to the Flagship all Suites hotel where we got a room for fairly inexpensive by AC waterfront standards.  That's about the only good think this place has going for it. The view.  I realized something though.  Views don't do much for me if we are only going to be here for a night.   I'd much rather have proximity to places I can walk to with relative ease.  Like a coffee shop with heavy cream.  And even if I could here, the elevators are incredibly slow.  So if you want to leave your floor, add 15-20 minutes.  I wish I was joking.  We swan in their stinky pool, played in the arcade and had dinner at the hotel restaurant.          


                

       

This morning I woke up ready to come home and make note of the things we'd do differently next time of impromptu weekend trips.  There is no coffee shop to walk to.  But even if there was, I don't want to fight with the elevators.  So I came out to write.  The view is nice, but not satiating.  There is a sail boat making it's way out to the Atlantic from Reeds bay.  And then I remember the phone call I got from Georgia yesterday that I ignored while I was checking in.  One I was expecting but forgot about.  It was a hiker I met on friday at Pine Grove Furnace.  I told the two of them if they needed a lift for food or errand, call me and see if I'm around.   I just picked up my phone to listen to the voicemail.  It was the hiker, asking if I knew where to find bud in boiling springs, pa.   I don't feel so bad about not being home.  Maybe when "bud" is legal in pa, we could have had a pleasent evening chatting about his trail journeys.  

This cheered me up a bit.  I enjoyed the sail boat a bit longer and continued to write.  But I'm still longing to keep moving.  There is nothing here in Atlantic City for me.  Except my family who wants to explore and have a good time.  I wish I knew how to do that here.  Thought this place holds fond memories...it was the first time my wife and I held hands.  That was a long time ago and we don't even remember where we stayed that weekend.  

Looking around, I can't deny that the problem is not with the ocean views, hotel, or major beach town.  It lies inside my mind and my depression.  That I thought was getting better.  Perhaps it is....

Shortest Blog post ever.

We are taking an impromptu trip to Atlantic City today.  Josiah wanted to see an ocean.  He has before, but wanted to see one again.  So why not?  Have a nice day.  Have a cute animal photo.

Sadness

Gonna be hard to pull this all together.  But I'll try.  Sadness.  I felt sad for the first time this week.  No, not about all the shootings.  I'll get to that.

This weekend in The Wild Goose Festival in Hot Springs NC.  I went there last year in the midst of one of the biggest emotional roller coasters I've been on in my entire life.  It was the the merging of me discovering who I really am and the deconstruction of my Christian faith.  It was at Wild Goose where I met many of the people that I listened to that played a big part of me knowing I wasn't alone in my thoughts.  I had an amazing time.  So many eye opening experiences.  Even the town of Hot Springs is absolutely charming.   Wild Goose is where I got the idea for the majority of my tattoos.  Including "Trust the River".  This years theme is "Story". And do I have quite the story.  Wild Goose is where I got inspired to build this studio in the garage for me to create.  Fast forward a few months and my wife and I were in the middle of her deciding or not to take another job.  She decided on it and we knew it would throw summer plans into the air.  Immediately I thought of Wild Goose.  But it was partly because of my experience at Wild Goose that I was ok with not being able to plan that trip this year and focus on my wife.  But dang...this week.  Thinking about Wild Goose.  I'm sad.  There is a yearning in me that is making it hard to not be there.  My extended family is there.  Those are my people.  But I realized something.  I wasn't mad.  I wasn't angry.  I wasn't bitter.  I knew why I was in this situation and it was because a relationship was healed.  I was healing.  I was experience this deep sadness and longing.  Something I never recall experiencing.  It's was usually bitterness, anger or frustration.  Sadness is nice feeling.  We will visit Wild Goose again.  Don't worry.

Speaking of sadness.  I'm not going to get into Facebook discussions about the senseless killings happening.   2 compliant black men earlier this week and now 5 policemen in dallas.  I'm hearing ignorance being spewed from all sides.  I can see the hurt and pain in those that have lost loved ones. There is an anger that is boiling.  The suppressed anger of a community is coming out.  And I don't blame them.  A volcano is about to erupt.  And when that happens, you can't fight a volcano.  You have to let it release it's steam and lava until it's satisfied.

When will we all see and be treated like people.

I would typically get angry and lash out against one group or another.  But there is no group at fault here.  There is a group that's a victim.  But we are all responsible.  

I don't think there is anything I can say that will change one's mind.  Sure I have my views.  Guns aren't going to solve anything.  You see how guns were the reason two innocent men lost their lives which led to 5 police losing their lives.  Guns.   You say guns will protect you.  Guns will protect others.  Well, you see what happens when people arm themselves.  Police don't know who the good guys and bad guys are.  They don't know motives.  No wonder they are on edge all the time.  So go ahead, get a gun.  Even if it's legal.  Unless you're black.  Then you'll probably get shot because your black and you have a gun.  Even if it's legal and you are complaint.  That's RACISM!  And that is exactly what is happening.  This violence isn't new.  The cameras are new.  Social media is new.

It saddens me.  Especially when I see church leaders admitting that they've been silent to long on the racism issue and instead of apologizing to the very people they've hurt, they apologize to God instead.   WHAT!?!

That is all.  I could continue down rabbit holes.  Cops shoot white people too.  White and black people shoot cops too.  The only thing I suggest is acknowledge the fact that everyone needs to be a part of change.  Silence won't help.  I don't know what will, I just know what won't. This might not.  I'm just talking it out at this point.  I started talking out my feelings when I finished talking about Wild Goose.  I was hesitant to bring any of this up, but last years theme at wild goose was about this very thing.