I'm learning. I'm learning how much of a jerk I used to be. Usually I didn't even realize it. However, the more I grow and the more healing that happens the more I see the way I used to act in other people. There are even times that people think they are helping, but they aren't. I often did this. I still do. I'm trying desperately to get better at it. I don't often know how. But then I see news stories like the one out of Homestead, Pennsylvania this morning. It was about a couple that didn't want to sit next to a group of police officers at an eat and park. So they paid their bill and left a 10 dollar tip. Good on them, right?
"Sir, your check was paid for by the police officers you didn't want to sit next to. Thank you for your support."
Yesterday I noticed an image on Facebook. I wasn't friends with this person, but because of my friends liking and commenting I was able to see the pictures. I knew they people in the photos. They were great photos. But there was one that concerned me. And quite honestly, made me a little queasy to think about it. I'm not going to go into detail though. It was bothering me throughout the day and I had to ask. So last night I sat up for a half hour to write a paragraph of an unasked for response. I couldn't let it go. But I also know this person that posted it meant no harm or ill intent. So I wrote, re wrote, and wrote again this message. I did not want to hurt them in any way. Or feel like I was criticizing them. I just wanted to explain the unintended consequences that may occur for her and others when posting such a photo. I wanted to be soft and caring. I tried really hard. And it worked. They thanked me and were totally unaware of might occur as a result. It was a pleasant exchange and I'm glad I took the time to realize the impact of what my words may hold.
Some call his being politically correct. I call it being empathetic to how one might feel. I call it being a mature, responsible, caring adult.
Writing in this blog is different. I'm not singling anyone out. Usually. And if I do, I try hard to be empathetic to what they'd feel if they'd read it. This is new for me. And it's a work in progress.
So if those officers ever read this, I hope they know I'm sincerely trying to help when I told them their gesture was nice but their motive seems unclear to me. It seems from the note that they are bitter. That they are telling the couple that their feelings are unwarranted. Perhaps a note as this would have been better.....
"We're sorry you didn't feel as though you could sit next to us. We realize there is a tension in America that isn't necessarily friendly towards us cops. We understand. In an effort to show you that we aren't like some of the others that abuse their power, please accept this gift of us paying your bill. And don't worry about the tip, we got that as well. I hope next time we'll be able to have a nice meal together. Sincerely, your neighborhood boys in blue."
Because as it stands and seeing some of the stories, the note they left and the way it's being reported are making the person that didn't want to sit there seem like an asshole. We don't know why they didn't want to sit there, maybe the seat was under an AC vent. Or maybe they wanted a private table to talk about personal stuff. Or maybe they just aren't feeling friendly towards police right now. We don't know. And this note only creates further division over people that may be hurt by the actions of police. Turns out, the couple smiled and thanked the officers. And maybe I'm being overly concerned about how what one says impacts others. But I don't think that's possible today. Considering the current tensions.
That all being said. I'm sure there is a large majority of police officers that are in a difficult place. That have only done good things for their community and treated all people with respect. They've been given a bad name based on the actions of a few. And they have to prove to everyone that they are good cops! That would certainly be frustrating. I can understand that. I'd be frustrated too if someone stereotyped me based on my uniform, how I looked, the clothes I wear or if I was walking or riding a skateboard. Just because I looked like someone else. Incredibly frustrating.
I hope you see the point I'm trying to make. It's sad, but in todays culture if you look the part people will treat you like the part. It's not right. And I hate it. The only way to change this is to extend some grace to the people that treat us and stereotype us like how we look. This goes both ways. Don't just expect people to know you are sweetheart if you don't look like a sweetheart. Prove it. With your actions too. This goes to EVERYONE. Myself included.
When we were in Atlantic City last weekend, I went down to the car to pick up a few things. I mentioned the elevator problems. So when you are waiting for the elevator with someone that may make you uncomfortable, it can be weird. A mother with her three mixed race kids came up and pushed their floor button and waited. Within seconds one of the children came up to me, a long haired, barefoot, tatted up guy and asks to see my muscles. I could see the mom tense up. So I knelt down and gave him one of my best "that way to the beach" muscles I could make. He was so excited. He wanted to watch it move. And he was touching the rock hard firmness of my bicep and was quite impressed. The mom still seemed tense. I turned to the children and asked to see their muscles. The friendly boy lifted his shirt sleeve back and made a muscle. I responded letting him know I'm glad he moved his shirt! I would't have wanted to see it rip with the size of his bicep! The young kids didn't get it. But the mom said she's sorry, her son is autistic.
I told her she need not apologize. I would have never guessed nor cared. She was probably so burnt out trying to keep her 2 kids, plus the third who is autistic in line at the beach. All while trying to enjoy and relax. And you could tell it was draining. It was a solid 7 minutes that I spent with those kids waiting for and riding the muscle elevator. I hope that if at least for those 7 minutes I made life a little bit better. Despite how out of my own comfort zone that put me.
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