What about the Boy?

Another photo pulled from the walls of Facebook.  At first, it appears well intended.  An honorable request to stay grateful for the things we have access to.  Clean water, food, and healthcare.  This is good, to remember that we have it so much better than anyone else in the world.  But this is just another one of those Facebook photo's that is best left in the photo gallery.  Unless you want to write a blog about what you do after your prayer of forgiveness for being ungrateful.

I will say that the person that posted it where I got it not got step one complete, which is recognize the needs outside their home, but actually pack up and go help fell those needs.  And I can tell that they'll never be the same again.  This photo was just one part of their story.  I'm just here to take that photo and provide blog fodder.  I just want to be clear, I'm not talking about anyone that may have posted this photo.  I've seen several.  I'm going to talk about what I think when I see it.  In a very blunt way.

So it's ok if the boy drinks from the mud puddle as long as you are grateful for what you have?  This photo says nothing about your heart being broken for what breaks Jesus's heart.  So you ask forgiveness for being ungrateful.  Now what?  You are grateful for what you have.  Not really.  You didn't pray for God to help you be more grateful of what you have.  You prayed a forgiveness prayer, not a prayer to change.  However, it says "if" I'm ever ungrateful.  Almost like it's ok to live in our comfort, but should we ever be ungrateful....forgive me.

What about the boy?  What does Jesus say if we see someone thirsty and do nothing?  What about someone hungry?  What about the naked, cold and lonely?  What happens when we do nothing?  Nothing happens and Jesus denies us when we deny Jesus.  He says the hungry are him.  And those that ignore the least of these are ignoring him.  So what do you do when you see people eating mud cookies?  Yes.  People that have nothing to eat are forced to eat mud cookies just to fill their bellies.

I'm beginning to think there is truth in "sell everything and follow me".  That's all for today.

Matthew 25:31-46 The Message 

The Sheep and the Goats 

 “When he finally arrives, blazing in beauty and all his angels with him, the Son of Man will take his place on his glorious throne. Then all the nations will be arranged before him and he will sort the people out, much as a shepherd sorts out sheep and goats, putting sheep to his right and goats to his left.

 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what’s coming to you in this kingdom. It’s been ready for you since the world’s foundation. And here’s why:

I was hungry and you fed me,

I was thirsty and you gave me a drink,

I was homeless and you gave me a room,

I was shivering and you gave me clothes,

I was sick and you stopped to visit,

I was in prison and you came to me.’

 “Then those ‘sheep’ are going to say, ‘Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you a drink? And when did we ever see you sick or in prison and come to you?’ Then the King will say, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me.’

 “Then he will turn to the ‘goats,’ the ones on his left, and say, ‘Get out, worthless goats! You’re good for nothing but the fires of hell. And why? Because—

I was hungry and you gave me no meal,

I was thirsty and you gave me no drink,

I was homeless and you gave me no bed,

I was shivering and you gave me no clothes,

Sick and in prison, and you never visited.’

“Then those ‘goats’ are going to say, ‘Master, what are you talking about? When did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or homeless or shivering or sick or in prison and didn’t help?’

 “He will answer them, ‘I’m telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me—you failed to do it to me.’

 “Then those ‘goats’ will be herded to their eternal doom, but the ‘sheep’ to their eternal reward.”

Prayer....again. I'm guessing.

Before I continue.  I downloaded a sermon from the church I would attend if I attended church.  AKA, the church my wife and kids attend.  AKA, the Meeting House in Carlisle Pa.  The messages and action I see coming from this church continue to lift my hope that their are christians that actually care about the message of the Gospel.  Is this church perfect?  Far from it.  But what makes this place a "church body" is awesome.  

Anyway.  I'm still wrestling with what prayer is and how it works.  Hopefully the podcast I listen to will help clear things up.  

So many things in our lives we just do because it's what we've always done.   We don't even know why.  We don't even know if it's needed.  We don't even care.  But I want to explore some of those behaviors.  

I just think most people are doing it wrong.  Not intentionally, just because that's what they've been taught.  Perhaps by others that have been taught wrong.  Here's the example I used yesterday.  We've all been there.  We fart.  And all of the sudden that fart is more than a fart.  We gotta poop, asap.  But we have no idea where the nearest toilet is.  It's so urgent that we even pray, "God, this seems so silly.  But if you are real and you care about prayers like this, help me not poop my pants.  Please reveal the location of a toilet."  I would say, most of the time, that you make it.  Do you give God the glory for that?  

If you believe that God can miraculously step in and find a toilet, don't you think God could miraculously stop the urge for you to poop?  The God that parted the Red Sea and raised people from the dead.  Couldn't he stop your poop?  

Or how about when you pray for rest?   Why not pray that instead of needing rest, that God would give you the strength and energy so you don't even need to rest?  

See what I mean, it's almost like we give God an out to not work for us.  We tailor our prayers that if God answers them or not answers them we can still squeeze God into the outcome.   

If we poop our pants, God didn't help us because he knew we took a chance by eating that food we knew we shouldn't eat.  And that we opted to try to make it home instead of using the bathroom he provided at the restaurant.  Or that he doesn't provide rest because we were on our phones cruising Facebook when we should have been napping a few hours earlier.   See what I mean.  

The most common, sports teams wins.  A quarterback thanks God for granting him the win.  What does that say about the loser who also prayed for a win?  Now we start trying to figure out how God works.  Why did God have him win and not me?  Then we start looking at that other guys lifestyle and comparing what they do instead of what God wants us to do.   God has nothing to do with win loss column. 

So why do we pray?  When do we pray?  

This is How You Public

In the morning...for me it's kind of like an out of body experience.  I just let my mind go into the keyboard.  True story.  Sometimes I don't ever reread what comes out here.  Sometimes I do.  And when I do, I usually am surprised.  Not because of the brilliance that lies in 1's and 0's in the computer, but that I don't often remember most of what I write.  I know I wrote it, but I only remember putting a word at a time and not the piece in it's entirety.

First thing today.  I was going to make say...I've never been in a locker room or with any other men that talked about women in the vile way that Donald (i figured there is no need for last names, no one calls her Clinton, just Hillary.  Why is that?) talks about women.  I say talks, because he hasn't changed.   And writing it off as locker room talk?  No.  I don't think so.  That's like saying you were drunk when you raped her, so it doesn't count.  NO, it most certainly counts.  I cannot believe that there are people that are still supporting this person to be the president.  I see stupid memes floating around that people care more about what Clinton has done then they do about what Trump has said.  What a bullshit meme.  Did you not hear Donald talking about grabbing women by the pussy?  HE DID THAT.  IT WASN'T JUST TALK.  What is wrong with you people that still support him?  I get that you don't want Clinton in office, but is Donald the value you are placing on America?  C'mon.

Secondly.  When you post stuff on the internet it is subject to scrutiny.  When you go public with anything, you may get critics.  I take a risk everyday that someone is going to go off on something I write.  But you know what I've learned in almost 7 months of doing it every day?  You can't let critics get to you.  Odds are you touched a nerve in them.  And instead of lashing out at them, find out what that nerve is and HIT IT AGAIN!   Just kidding.  Just don't fight back.  There's no point.  Be confident in what you said.  And if you do come to the conclusion that you said something wrong, own it.

Sometimes I get my material from Facebook.  Someone posts a meme or something that I believe could be hurtful or misrepresenting someone.  So I offer the other perspective.  Sometimes when I write about the photo, the person that originally posted it reads what I wrote.  And it can be taken personal.  That everything I say about that photo is an insult to them.  While I get it may feel like that, it's not.  I don't always make enough disconnect that when I talk about the photo or meme, I'm not talking about the person that posted it.  But sensitive people (it's ok to be sensitive, often sensitive people have the best intentions) can take it hard and be hurt by my words.  I'm sorry.  

Example,  if I see a pile of dog shit and talk about how gross it is.  How much it stinks and that it smears and is hard to clean off and total eliminate the stink.  I'm not talking about the dog that pooped it.  I'm talking about the poop.  Does that make sense?  Me talking about the poop doesn't speak to the character of the dog. So next time I pull a meme off your timeline and write about it, it's not an insult to your character.  The dog didn't intentionally poop to piss someone off,  just like the meme or photo was not posted to piss someone off.  Just like I'm not writing about to piss anyone off, just to get people to think about the meme or photo in a different light.  

And here at the end.  I think there is some really deep psychological stuff that goes on when we read into something that someone may have wrote about us.  I wrote about 3 pages earlier on that and confused myself.  So I deleted it.   Think about how anyone high profile feels.  They get hundreds of thousands into the millions of pieces written about them every day.  And most likely the majority is a lie, half truth, or almost truth.  Do you think the high profile person gets on the internet and tries to defend themselves?  Hardly.  They continue on.  They might listen to what people are saying and take  an honest look and see if any of it does hold some truth.  And if so, they own it.  

What about when someone takes God's name in vain?  I call this speaking about what God is or what God does on the behalf of God.  People can guess.  But they have NO idea how God works or if God even works.  So when I see someone posting about how God works, I call it out.  While that person may have felt God in their moment, that's for them.  Again, that's why Jesus said don't tell anyone the miracle that just happened.  IT'S IN THE BIBLE.  Don't tell anyone the God moment.  But let it mold who you are and be the change.

Ok...this is getting long.  But I want to talk more about false teaching about God tomorrow.  Which may very well be....false.  It'll be about winning sports games.  What harm could happen?

Where is the Hand of God now?

They do this because the trust you.  When a dog poops,
they are vulnerable to being attacked.  Hell, when anyone
poops they are vulnerable.  So if the dog sees you become nervous,
they know it's time to pinch it off and run.  That's
why they stare at you.  It's a sign of trust.  Who do you
stare at while you shit?  Facebook.  Stop trusting in Facebook. 

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to be on the same Facebook thread with the "friend" that posted the hand of God protecting Florida photo.  We, I say we but he wasn't talking to me, were talking about Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.  He hates them both.  The other few people want Trump to withdraw from the race.  This guy was floored when the majority on the thread said Hillary Clinton was a far better option for President than Donald Trump.


I really wanted to just tell him to pray about it.  That if the Hand of God can protect Florida from a hurricane, God can surely protect America from a President.   I couldn't do it though.  Because I'm not a hurtful guy.  And yes...I don't like trolling or engaging in debates.  But I almost did, I went to his page to pull another stupid photo and noticed he told someone else it's "childish" to delete people simply because they don't agree.  I really want to call him out on it.  Maybe I will.  I'd much rather spend some time sharing my mind with people that want to read it.  You clicked the link.

This is why I put my thoughts in a blog.  So I don't have to do that on Facebook.  I don't like arguing on Facebook.

Because here, I can say stuff and often times realize the err in what I say.  Rarely do I engage in an argument on Facebook anymore.  Because I know it's not good for me.  But who knows.  Maybe I will.

I have a feeling by now...if someone wants to get a good idea of who I am, they can do that right here.  Well over two hundred blog/journal entries to read through.

But please, don't pick one blog and base your entire opinion about who I am on what you find.

Anyway..subject change.  I went to church yesterday.  I did what I had done the last time I went.  Dropped the kids off at their classes and I went up in the café area and did some reading/writing and conversing with some friends over Facebook messenger.

No...lets not go there.  Lets talk about another photo my friend who is the hand of God posted yesterday.  This is what happens when you don't use your brain.  You see cheesy photos like this and think they are they greatest things ever.  First, no one ever said God was at the top of the pyramid.  God is omnipresent.  So God is everywhere.  God can be with the husband AND the wife regardless of where they are on the triangle.   Secondly, no one ever said this is what a relationship structure looks like.   The ONLY maybe slightly redeeming truth in this is that....Yeah, I got nothin.

Calling Out the Vipers

I want to say it again, I don't think I say it enough though it seems like I say it everyday.  These are my thoughts.  If it comes across as I'm right and you're wrong, that's why.  That's the way it seems in my head.  I'm being honest.  It doesn't mean that I'm actually right, it's just how I think.  Please remember that.  Even if I am right, it doesn't mean anyones wrong.

However.  Today is different.  Much of what I'm about to say is right.  At least it feels that way in my head.

I have a friend.  He's been my friend since I was in the first grade.  Well, that's at least the first video evidence shows we've associated with each other.  So nearly 30 years.  We didn't really connect until high school when we started a punk rock band together.  To protect his identity from strangers and trolls, I won't mention any names.  We've had our share of ups and downs, but mostly for the last 5 years it's been downs.  That's fine.  People go their separate ways.  I understand.  He lives in Florida now.  Yesterday I come across this photo on his Facebook timeline.  It's the most hurtful picture I've ever seen in my entire life.  First off...this isn't what happened.  Lots of damages happened in Florida and many people died.  Could it have been worse?  You bet.  But God had NOTHING to do with that.  I can assure you.  How can I guarantee you that.  I can't but I can tell you God doesn't value the people in Florida more than God values the people in Haiti.  Therefore there is no reason why God would take out 90% of south haiti and spare florida.  This was my response to his posted photo.  I couldn't not say anything....

"I get that Florida is Happy. But where was

the hand of God in Les Cayes, Jeremie and south Haiti where 

90% is destroyed?  800 people and counting are dead. But yeah, 

the hand of God sure was watching Florida. 

If that hand of god can protect Florida but not south haiti, 

that god can keep his hands off me."

I grabbed a few screenshots for good measure.  And sure enough.  Not 3 minutes later my comment was deleted and the photo remains.  

Why do I care so much?  This is not christianity.  At all.  This is not what it means to be blessed.  At all.  This photo is complete and utter bullshit.  Now...that being said.  The artist was very creative.  Maybe their home was spared.  Maybe their family was spared and they were praying hard.  Maybe this was their gut response of thanks to God.  Good for the artist.  Keep that to yourself.  And I bet they wish they had now.  Judging from the comment section, I'm one of thousands that feel the same way.  

But back to why I care so much.  I'm far from calling myself a Christian anymore.  Though some days I feel like more of a christian than those that actually say they are one.  I love how Jesus loved.  I want to be able to do that.  But in this situation, with the photo.  If you really feel like the hand of God spared florida,  you are like the pharisee's who think you have it all figured out.  But you have no idea.  You spread lies about how God works.  Because YOU. DON'T. KNOW. HOW. GOD. WORKS.  You have no idea what it means to be blessed.  NONE.  You might think you do.  And you might have some pretty compelling evidence.  Great.  That's for you.  FOR YOU.  No one else.  Why else would Jesus tell those he healed....don't tell anyone.   Because that's not what Jesus was here for. 

Images like this do nothing to spread the Gospel.  They take away from it.  That's why Jesus said to shut your cake hole about the miracles.  It would be a distraction and take away from the true message of Jesus.  Jesus knew it wasn't about the here and now.  It was the end game he was after.  It wasn't about the healing of the flesh.  It was about the healing of the soul.  

Damnit.  I might have to go the church today.  This is good shit.  Wait.  Just wait.  Maybe the posting of this photo was instrumental by God to get me to dig into the Bible a bit.  No.  That's not how God works.  But dang.  I'd have never stumbled across this today had I not seen it.  

Another reason Jesus didn't want people to share about the miracles was for crowd control.  You can't effectively minister to a large crowd.  Small groups are preferable.  And if people knew that Jesus could heal, what other things could He do for them?  Bring prosperity perhaps?  That's why Jesus wants to keep those healings and blessings between you and Him.  It's not to be broadcast.  

So...back to my original topic.  My comment was deleted.  But the post was not.  Photo is still up.  How do you think that makes the people of Haiti feel?  How do you think it makes the rest of the east coast feel?   

Revisiting Church

Here's why I don't like church.  3-4 songs, announcements, short video perhaps, listen to someone speak for 30 minutes, communion and a closing song.  EVERY WEEK.  Church goers can listen to music all week long and have access to some of the most amazing sermons on the planet via podcast. Small groups are pushed as the most beneficial thing in a church.  So why don't we all just meet as a small group on sunday mornings, if it's the most most important thing?

So lets cut the crap.  It's not church on a sunday morning.  It's a worship service.  Which is fine.  But what if I don't connect spiritually with others while singing songs led by a live band and listing to someone talk for half hour?   Then what?

I love music.  I connect with music.  But not while I'm sitting and listening.  I've got to be playing it.  It's gotta flow through me.  But there's no room on the worship team.  And last I checked, there wasn't much time to allow the spirit to flow through the music.  Unless you can do it under 20 minutes and we get through all the songs we practiced.

Honestly though...even if there was a church where there wasn't 3-4 songs and sermon.  I don't know if I could go.

I'm not really trying to bring the church down.  Just say that not everyone engages like that.  If you connect in church, awesome.  I connect while trail running, mountain biking, playing my guitar along to 90's pop punk and spending time in my thoughts.

my kinda church.

That being said...I'm going to mens retreat next weekend and it's triggering all kinds of weird feelings about what church retreats are like and that I want nothing to do with them.  So we'll see how it goes. I'm very good at creating my own experiences and making them into something spiritual.  But it was really just me creating a spiritual experience.  Does that mean it's not valid?  Or valid?  See the gymnastics.   I guess if it came forth during a created worship service...invalid.  But if I drop to my knees in tears in the middle of the woods on a run.....valid.

Deconstructing.

It's no surprise to those that have known me that I'm in a long process of the deconstruction of my faith.  

Part one:

I grew up going to church.  For as long as I can remember my family went to church.  Throughout middle school and high school I was involved in the youth group.  Following high school I was a youth leader.  I was a part of the worship team at church for years.  I was in a punk rock band that played music with jesus centered lyrics.  I gave a small message at every show and asked people to come to christ.  I saw straight edge...no drugs or alcohol.  I was very committed to living a christian life.  Accountability partners, prayer warriors...even into my late 20's I was very committed to churches, mens ministries, leading my family.....just so you know where I came from.  I loved the trust I had in Jesus and that He had everything under control and I could trust in Him.

But I had my flaws.  For sure.  Insecurity, irritability, low self confidence, depression (though I didn't know it), and some pretty intense anger issues.  No one knew about all these except those close to me.  They probably hated the fact that everyone loved me but I could be a monster to those closest to me.

Fast forward till spring 2012.  I'm married, have one kid.  A second child awaits us in a freezer. I was getting back into running.  I had plans to do a half marathon and 50k that year.  There were lots of changes in my life but I was still committed to church.  I wasn't as involved but still knew my roots.  I was pretty conservative in my views at the time too.  I remember meeting someone over Facebook that was a runner and gave me some tips.  This person who will remain nameless was really intense in their beliefs about all things.  They weren't a Christian, but grew up as a christian and even went to a christian college.   So we engaged in some discussions about that.  But I was impressed by how they loved others and cared for their needs.  A few months after we had met, he posted a blog about his background and where he stands today on certain issues.   I had no clue. None.  Whatsoever.  Nothing about my friend or how he acted would have pointed to this.  So naturally....nothing changed.  He was still my friend.  And our relationship continues to this day.

Remember...I'm pretty strict christian at the time in my beliefs.  The things I read were against all things I believed biblical.  Yet we were the ones that have a child in a freezer...hmmmm.  that's another story.  But thankfully she thawed out just fine.   You know what else was thawing?  My cold dead heart.

So I began praying that God would open up doors for me to show my friend Jesus like he'd never seen before.  I began praying that God would reveal himself (I know Gods not a he, it's a habit) in a way that was undeniable.  I prayed this for a few months and continued to be the same friend.  I continued to just be loving and kind.  Just like my friend was.  After several months of prayer and waiting I lost all interest in my attempts at showing Jesus to my friend.  And when I look back on it, just now, maybe I was showing Jesus the whole time.  Maybe God was showing me Jesus....

To love others without judgement.  To be friends.  To help each other.  To share life together.  To share laughs and cries together.  To let God sort out whatever else needs to be sorted out.  All those things in that blog...they are a non factor.  Still important, but not an issue.

2012 I also got baptized as an adult.  Ironic?  I don't think so.   Ever since that year, it's been  roller coaster.  Sometimes I believe in a God.  Sometimes it's really hard to believe in a God.  Other times I get some glimpses.  Those glimpses are pretty clear to me.  But other times it's a non factor.  That how I live and act shouldn't change based on the existence of a creator or not.

This deconstruction phase...it's not easy.  It's stressful.  It's calling into question everything you believed.  Imagine going to place where you could find peace and safety.  Then one day you go there and it's gone and you have nowhere to go.  You can't rebuild what you had.  Not now.  So you have to build a new place of peace and safety.  But you have no idea what to use.  And you have to make your own materials.  It's hard.  

This is why I have a hard time landing on "God does not exist".  I don't know that.  Nobody knows that for 100% certainty.  For some people, God is all they have.  And I know there is a peace there.  Sometimes when I push back a bit, I might be a bit jealous that I don't have that anymore.  I wonder why they do and I don't.  What's wrong with me that God won't give me that peace?

But maybe God did, i'm just really fucked up in the head and I need stronger meds.  I have no idea.

Part 2 coming tomorrow.  Don't know where I'm going to go with that yet.  Maybe I'll try to explain my relationship with church.