Deconstructing.

It's no surprise to those that have known me that I'm in a long process of the deconstruction of my faith.  

Part one:

I grew up going to church.  For as long as I can remember my family went to church.  Throughout middle school and high school I was involved in the youth group.  Following high school I was a youth leader.  I was a part of the worship team at church for years.  I was in a punk rock band that played music with jesus centered lyrics.  I gave a small message at every show and asked people to come to christ.  I saw straight edge...no drugs or alcohol.  I was very committed to living a christian life.  Accountability partners, prayer warriors...even into my late 20's I was very committed to churches, mens ministries, leading my family.....just so you know where I came from.  I loved the trust I had in Jesus and that He had everything under control and I could trust in Him.

But I had my flaws.  For sure.  Insecurity, irritability, low self confidence, depression (though I didn't know it), and some pretty intense anger issues.  No one knew about all these except those close to me.  They probably hated the fact that everyone loved me but I could be a monster to those closest to me.

Fast forward till spring 2012.  I'm married, have one kid.  A second child awaits us in a freezer. I was getting back into running.  I had plans to do a half marathon and 50k that year.  There were lots of changes in my life but I was still committed to church.  I wasn't as involved but still knew my roots.  I was pretty conservative in my views at the time too.  I remember meeting someone over Facebook that was a runner and gave me some tips.  This person who will remain nameless was really intense in their beliefs about all things.  They weren't a Christian, but grew up as a christian and even went to a christian college.   So we engaged in some discussions about that.  But I was impressed by how they loved others and cared for their needs.  A few months after we had met, he posted a blog about his background and where he stands today on certain issues.   I had no clue. None.  Whatsoever.  Nothing about my friend or how he acted would have pointed to this.  So naturally....nothing changed.  He was still my friend.  And our relationship continues to this day.

Remember...I'm pretty strict christian at the time in my beliefs.  The things I read were against all things I believed biblical.  Yet we were the ones that have a child in a freezer...hmmmm.  that's another story.  But thankfully she thawed out just fine.   You know what else was thawing?  My cold dead heart.

So I began praying that God would open up doors for me to show my friend Jesus like he'd never seen before.  I began praying that God would reveal himself (I know Gods not a he, it's a habit) in a way that was undeniable.  I prayed this for a few months and continued to be the same friend.  I continued to just be loving and kind.  Just like my friend was.  After several months of prayer and waiting I lost all interest in my attempts at showing Jesus to my friend.  And when I look back on it, just now, maybe I was showing Jesus the whole time.  Maybe God was showing me Jesus....

To love others without judgement.  To be friends.  To help each other.  To share life together.  To share laughs and cries together.  To let God sort out whatever else needs to be sorted out.  All those things in that blog...they are a non factor.  Still important, but not an issue.

2012 I also got baptized as an adult.  Ironic?  I don't think so.   Ever since that year, it's been  roller coaster.  Sometimes I believe in a God.  Sometimes it's really hard to believe in a God.  Other times I get some glimpses.  Those glimpses are pretty clear to me.  But other times it's a non factor.  That how I live and act shouldn't change based on the existence of a creator or not.

This deconstruction phase...it's not easy.  It's stressful.  It's calling into question everything you believed.  Imagine going to place where you could find peace and safety.  Then one day you go there and it's gone and you have nowhere to go.  You can't rebuild what you had.  Not now.  So you have to build a new place of peace and safety.  But you have no idea what to use.  And you have to make your own materials.  It's hard.  

This is why I have a hard time landing on "God does not exist".  I don't know that.  Nobody knows that for 100% certainty.  For some people, God is all they have.  And I know there is a peace there.  Sometimes when I push back a bit, I might be a bit jealous that I don't have that anymore.  I wonder why they do and I don't.  What's wrong with me that God won't give me that peace?

But maybe God did, i'm just really fucked up in the head and I need stronger meds.  I have no idea.

Part 2 coming tomorrow.  Don't know where I'm going to go with that yet.  Maybe I'll try to explain my relationship with church.