Finding Peace in your Sadness

Are you sad? Lonely? Depressed?  Do the holidays get you down?  They do me.  And often times I want to disappear and come back on December 26^th.   But you know what I learned that I hope you can learn too? There is hope in sadness.  This morning while on my run I was hoping to have happiness fall upon me.  Instead I saw a young boy, maybe ten, with an empty leash in his hand.  He was calling out for his dog.  My heart broke for this young man.  I know what it’s like to have lost something.  I know what it’s like to have lost something only to have it never return again.  And it haunts me daily.  At times it’s unshakable.  But there comes a time when you realize that happiness may not arrive.  And you have to surrender to your sadness.  Embrace it. Study it. Feel it.  Know it’s grips.  Know it’s lies.  Know it’s truths.  For it is in your sadness that you learn what happiness is.  Be patient to yourself.  Be kind.  In the midst of your sadness it’s ok to rest. It’s ok to take a break. It’s even ok to find a peace in your sadness.  I will leave you with some words from Marcus Mumford.  Let it be a song sung to your happiness.  Peace to you today my friend.  

"I Will Wait"

Well, I came home

Like a stone

And I fell heavy into your arms

These days of dust

Which we've known

Will blow away with this new sun

But I'll kneel down,

Wait for now

And I'll kneel down,

Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step

And relent

Well, you forgave and I won't forget

Know what we've seen

And him with less

Now in some way shake the excess

'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

Now I'll be bold

As well as strong

And use my head alongside my heart

So tame my flesh

And fix my eyes

A tethered mind freed from the lies

And I'll kneel down,

Wait for now

I'll kneel down,

Know my ground

Raise my hands

Paint my spirit gold

And bow my head

Keep my heart slow

'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

it's about the refugees.

Prologue : sorting some thoughts here.  As always, I like to share them.  Maybe someone could bring some clarity.  Maybe not.      

    For the past week my mind has been reeling with thoughts on the current situations in Paris, Beirut and all the places that have been terrorized by ISIS.  This is my attempt to start to sort them out and find some sort of clarity.  Odds are likely that I'll just confuse you or you'll look at me like I'm some kind of freak.  Which is fine.  Cause I probably am. 

    I'll start by saying I don't watch the news.  I don't read a lot of news articles.  I read some commentary on Facebook.  So I'm no expert. 

     Here's what's on my mind.  There are people seeking asylum from Syria.  Refugees.  People that as far as I know are tired, hungry, beaten, weak and vulnerable.  People that are sick and tired of living in a state of fear and are willing to risk their lives to get to place of safety.  It's a last ditch attempt instead of giving up and dying, even though they may die in the process.  But to them, it's worth the risk.  Because the alternative is certain death. 

    A week ago Paris was rocked with a terrorist attack.  It goes without saying that many families lives have changed forever.  Loved ones lost.  The feeling of safety and security has gone.  On top of that many are saying it's because they allowed in 10,000 refugees and members of isis came in with them.  But just a few days later France says...bring on 30,000 more!  Wow.  What a tremendous display of courage!  And I here people condemning france and calling them idiots.  What timidity those naysayers have. 

    I am happy that Pennsylvania has left it's doors open to those seeking asylum.  Lots of other states, shame on you.  Do you even remember how you got here?  You were isis.  I'll stop there. 

    You're afraid?  I get that.  It's scary.  So is driving.  You put yourselves at a greater risk every single day just by eating some of the junk that we serve as food here.  We are an obese nation that's killing ourselves.  We already have a terrorist problem with our own Americans.  We have homeless all over the place.  While you are saying these are all reasons to not welcome refugees, I say they are all reasons why would should!  We could easily tend to those other problems.  It's not that we can't, it's that we won't.  So why not open our doors to these refugees, we're already dying!  What do we have to lose?  And do you really think that if 10% of the 10,000 refugees that come over are isis and they do try to start shit that our military (who outpaces all other nations in military expenditures. World military spending totaled more than $1.7 trillion in 2013. The U.S. accounted for 37 percent of the total) won't have enough resources to put an end to it real quick?   C'mon man!  Where is your faith in our guns and our second amendment?  If you plan on taking down our government with your firearms should they become tyrannical, you should have no problem taking care of ISIS. Right?  And the reality, I won't deny it, say they do strike.  Innocent people may die.  Say we don't allow in refugees, innocent people WILL still die.  

Newsflash.  We all die.  

    Which brings me to my next conundrum.  If we all die, what does this life even matter for?  What is our purpose here in this life?  Many base their actions in this life with the hope of an afterlife.  So, Christians, you have got zero reasons why to not let in refugees.  You go to heaven right?  So why would you care if you died in the process of helping these people?  Although I think that's pretty extreme.  Perhaps if you'd turn off the news channels the fear factor would come down a bit.   If you are a christian and you want to deny people seeking asylum from a violent country you best stop calling yourself a christian.  You can be scared, I get that. But how many times does it say FEAR NOT in the bible?  365 or so?  Perhaps you should reread Genesis and Exodus.  The very beginning of the book you cling to so sacredly,  God led the Hebrews out of Egypt from the hands of oppressive leaders.  GOD DID THAT!  Should we as Christians not be leading the way in this plea for the people of Syria.  And those around that world that are oppressed and in slavery?  

     But we all die anyway.  Does this life even matter?   So you decide.  I'm stuck.  I say let them in.  Even if it means risk to American people (who most are here because their ancestors are refugees fyi).  If we don't, we still die.  Why not try to make life better for someone else for the short time we are here in this life?  

     We all die in the end.  These are the words of Jesus reading about himself from the book of Isaiah, 

“The Spirit of the Lord is on me,

    because he has anointed me

    to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners

    and recovery of sight for the blind,

to set the oppressed free,

 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

    Shall we not also not the same? 

    What have we got to lose? Our lives?  They are already gone.  Our legacy? This problem will not go away.  Future generations will be trying to figure this out.  Know how I know?  Because we've been here for 2000 years.  Maybe try something new for a change?

Guns, God and You're Reading the Bible Wrong

I'm not going to waste any time getting started, because there will be a lot to unload here.  Pun intended.  But you must know.  We have a problem with guns in america.  I don't think for a second that taking them away will solve it.  The only think that will solve it is killing everyone.  But I do believe there are things we can do to help chip away at it and start to find what the issues are.  I don't think it's entirely guns, I don't think it's entirely media, video games, lack of parenting or any one thing.  It's a combination of it all.  And if we really are a PRO-LIFE people then it's time to put your money where your mouth is.  So this is me trying to make sense of it all.

     First.  I'm sick and tired of people saying that we should ban automobiles to because they kill more people than guns.  One, they don't.  Two, no one is saying ban guns that I've heard. Nearly 220 million people drive at least an hour a day.  Compare than to the population in the US which is about 300 million.  So roughly 2/3 of the population. Lets even look back to 2005, deaths were at 43,000.  So 43,000 automobile related deaths for a conservative estimate of 80,300,000,000 hours behind the wheel.  Did you catch that?  Can you fathom driving for 80 billion hours and only 43,000 people died? Granted these are quick estimates, the actual time behind the wheel is probably more than that.
     Now lets look at recreational gun use.  About 1 in 3 americans own at least one firearm.  So about 1 million gun owners in America.  Lets be honest.  How many hours a day can we guess each one is out shooting?  Honestly.  See you can't record those numbers.  But you get my point.  Also in 2005, 12,000 gun deaths via homicide.  ONLY homicide, not accidental deaths or suicide.  Factor that in if you want.  Imagine if 750,000 gun owners were out shooting their firearms EVERY DAY FOR AN HOUR.  There is nowhere near enough range space to accommodate those numbers.  I'd be willing to bet though that the average gun owner doesn't even spend an hour a year shooting his gun.
    Here's my point.  Stop comparing apples to oranges.  Cars serve a purpose other than killing.  Guns only purpose is to kill.  Like it or not, that is what is was designed and created for.  Killing.  Sure, some make great wall hangers over the fireplace.  Knives weren't invented to kill.  Hammers weren't invented to kill. Baseball bats weren't invented to kill.  Ok, enough about that.


     Christians, we are you clinging so tightly to your guns?  Where in the bible, specifically the new testaments does it say that you should have one?  Other than when Jesus told his disciples to sell their cloak and buy a sword? Because seriously, 11 men and two swords against an entire army?  There are many reasons why Jesus said that and you can believe any of them.  But we are talking about God here.  If God wanted to protect them, he could just do it.  No swords needed.  End of discussion.  Jesus said to love your enemies, how do you justify killing them as love?  Or do you decide you want to decide what he means by that.
    (this part isn't just for christians anymore)  Oh, and you need it for home security?  Really, see I don't think so.   Because if you were really into home security, you would go to just as many home security shows as you do gun shows.  You'd have just as many cool locks and alarms on your entry points  of your home as you do trinkets for your guns.  So just be honest...you want to shoot someone.  But wait, I know. You're a responsible gun owner.  I get that.  And you want to protect your family.  I get that. So you keep your gun a drawer next to your bed ready for an intruder who wants to harm your family.  I get that.  I get that it's incredibly irresponsible because more innocent people (mostly kids) die from that scenario than someone breaking into your house.  Wait though, you keep it your gun safe locked up.  So, explain to me how you are going to convince the intruder to wait while you go get your gun out of the safe and then your ammo out of the other locked safe so you can shoot him.  You aren't into home security,  You are into providing a false sense of security for yourself.  Should you be able to protect yourself, yes.  I'm not saying you aren't.  You just have to think of other, safer ways to do that.  You can't have your cake and eat it to.  I know I sound harsh, maybe that's because you know I'm right.  See, everyone is a responsible gun owner until they aren't.
      I recently posted a video to my Facebook that was by a gun owner that offered some responses on how to help slow down the amount of gun related deaths and violence.  Yes, I know they will never stop in our lifetime.  It's to late for that to happen.  Guns are all over the world and if people want to get them they will.  But we can make steps to help.  If you aren't willing to at least help or try, without anyone taking your guns away, then I would suggest that you are the problem.   What's wrong with a test.  Written and hands on.  If you want to buy a gun you are required to take an 8 hour class on everything guns.  I would even suggest that you need to be evaluated by a mental health professional as well.  If you've got nothing to hide, you've got nothing to hide.  A few extra steps is NOT taking your guns away.  If anything it will prove that their are gun owners that care about people's lives and are willing to try to make a change.


     And the all lives matter campaign.  It seems that there are a lot of people very pro-gun.  So I guess all lives don't really matter then right?  #somelivesmatter


     Yes, you are reading the bible wrong.  Do you know that nowhere in the bible does it say you can't live with someone before you are married.  No.  Where.  At.  All.  Seriously, go look.  You can make some ties to some other verses, but it's not specific at all.  And you're so sure that gay is a sin, yet you uncertain if Jesus was really non-violent.  Really?  He lived in a world where people were being oppressed unjustly and he did nothing to stop it.  He could have stepped in at any time and killed all the perpetrators.  But he didn't.  So why do we think that's our job if we claim to be christians and follow christ.  He wasn't our protector in that way.
     And you want to know whats really whack, there are a tremendous amount of people that know they won't be able to follow the whole bible but still try so hard to.  That's great.  I think that it's a good thing.  But I have also found that those are some of the same people willing to budge or try anything about the whole gun control idea.  Because you'll never be able to fix all of it.  I just don't get it.


     I think that about covers it for this morning.  And I'm pretty sure a lot of people will not like me after this.  But you know what.... 3/4 of the time I don't like me either.  So HA!

flipping tables.

Few things for starters.  I'm writing this from a Christian stand point. I'm incredibly scared to write about this.  Because I'm incredibly scared that I'm right.  And to make things worse, if I am right what do I plan to do about it?  If anything...

Secondly, this is me being me.  A lot of generalizing and reflections of my own habits. Some if it may apply to you, other things it won't.  I'm making observations from things I've heard people say.  So if it feels like I'm picking on you, I probably am.  But I'm also picking on myself.  Because I'm in the same boat. 

Thirdly, I don't have all the answers.  This isn't and end all be all.  And you don't have all the answers either.  You, just like me, only have whatever helps us sleep better at night.  And that may be wrong thinking.  You have to be prepared to understand that.  Sometimes we know deep down something is wrong and we choose to turn a blind eye.  Or we choose to do a little to appease the guilt. 

Onto my thought.  This comes on the heels of my wife's first trip to Haiti.  While she's been to Africa in the past, this will be the first time in a while for a trip like this.  I've had the chance to go 7 times over the past three years with number 8 in december.  And. I. Can't. Wait.  So I will be deliberate in how I roll this post out.  I don't know where her head is at and I want to respect that.  Because I also know what it's like to have your world rocked in that way.   So, she may or may not have been home for weeks before you are actually reading this.  It's Oct. 3 2015 right now. 

I was listening to a podcast this morning called Giving is Believing.  You should check it out if you are interested in "missions".  I hate that term, and so do they.  When I tell people about our work in Haiti they often ask if I go down on a missions trip.  This is a normal response. To which I often reply, if by missions trip you mean every day that you wake up and go about your day, then yes. If you call yourself a Christian, you are a missionary. Every day you live your life should be one continuous mission trip.  But anyway, a (I'll call her) friend that I've met a time or two in the town of Gressier at her cafe was on the podcast. Megan Boudreaux (www.respirehaiti.org) started this ministry that is growing tremendously and she is doing phenomenal work. She was talking about the miracles she's seen in Haiti and how we don't see them nearly at all in America.  You can find more about this in the book she wrote available here.  Why? I know, but you wouldn't understand until you've been there. But I began to think about my life here in the states.  So I'll begin there.  

We have a modest house, two cars, two tv's, lots of toys (for us and the kids), 3 coffee makers, a big yard with a riding mower, freedom, time to relax and so many other privileges.  Why? Mostly because we were born here.  Yes we work hard and understand that this country did not come from nothing.  I understand that people came here, stole this land from other people and created this here nation that we live in today.  I didn't ask for any of that.  I'm not saying I don't appreciate it, I just wasn't involved in how that all happened.  I'm just involved in where it is today and what I can do.  However,  I'm now infected with having seen parts of the world that don't have these privileges.  Parts of the world were people die every day and injustices happen because of ignorance.  People not knowing any better.  And here I sit, surrounded by 5 guitars, a drum set and I'm typing on a 27" Apple iMac eating from a bag of rold gold pretzels after I just ate lunch and I'm not even hungry.  You're probably even reading it on a new computer or your mobile device that you pay upwards of $150 a month for.  These are observations, not accusations.  And people are dying.

now. 

now.

now.

now.

Because they don't have food.  Or because their government is corrupt.  Or because they are being bombed by american drones.  Or they are being killed by terrorists.  We live in a bubble that I so desperately want to pop.

.

But wait!  I give money to my church!  Yes, you may.  But lets be realistic.  It's not ten percent.  It may be ten percent that week.  But only 1 out of 4 weeks.  Or maybe it's 3 percent.  And it's still something, I'm not knocking you.  I've read that on average churches only give out (I'll be generous) 8% of their income to charities outside the walls.  Compare that to the red cross who only spends about 8% on it's administrative costs.  So basically your tithe goes to your sunday morning entertainment and services.

But wait!  I buy a turkey every year! I give to the little red bucket bell ringers! I do this blah blah I do that blah blah blah.  Fantastic.  That's great.  That's the minimum.  That's barely the minimum.

I feel like if Jesus came to America and saw how apathetic, snobbish and lazy we've become here he'd be flipping our tables.  I'd venture to say that he maybe even would flip the bird!  Seriously.... Jesus did that!  He'd be pissed!  He'd look in your windows and see the three people in your house each watching a different tv or device.  We call them devices now.

I'm right there with you.  This is my life.  This is what plagues me.  I used to make excuses and justify the way I live.  Saying things like, but I go to haiti a few times a year.  We sponsor a child.  We give to local places that help.  But I'm a good person.  I DESERVE nice things.  Since when did we ever get what we deserved?  Think about it.

This is weighing on me big time lately.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I am doing enough.  Maybe I'm doing more than what's called for.  But the problem is there is so many people not even doing the minimum, looking out for numero uno, and I may even be that person too.

I'm not even gonna get started on our lust for blood in this country.  And I'm not going to go back and edit any of this.  It's getting posted.  With me being the most guilty one here.  

it's all in the forethought.

     I don't even know if forethought is a word.  But for now it is.  As always, I'm gonna just come right out of the gates.  I appreciate that my writing style has become more like me sharing a thought.  Only it is written and you are reading it.  And remember, that's what these are, thoughts.  

     Recently a friend has shared about the struggles he's been having in his marraige.  His wife has cheated on him a few times and he's unsure if he should continue to forgive her or get divorced and move on and raise his child a happy parent whether single or in another healthy relationship.  He is a christian and wants to remain biblically sound in his decision.  That's a shitty situation.  Because of all this he has started to drink, enough to escape the realities.  Some of us would say that's the beginning stages of a problem if nothing changes.  So I asked him if he's trying to remain biblically sound with his decision to start drinking.  Or if he was biblically sound in getting married in the first place.

      And his story is like many, young couples fall in love.  Reset.  Most young couples fall in lust and get married.  And when things don't work out, all of the sudden you are concerned about what the bible says about divorce.  Well, perhaps if you'd have consulted more with the bible in the first place.....I'm not saying that that's the end all be all.  I just don't understand how someone can live 95% of your life one way thinking you know whats right and then when something goes wrong you care what the bible says.  How did you ever know what you were doing was right to begin with? That all being said.  See a therapist.  See a counselor.  Find an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and young couple and have them be open and honest with you about relationships.  Find an elderly single person that may have never been married, a middle aged person and a young person as well in that category and do that same thing.  And if by all means, if you'd be happier without someone, especially if they treat you like shit.  Move along.  And move along fast.  I'm sure God would much rather have you do that the be stuck in a horrible relationship that you probably should have never been in in the first place.  

     Second.  I looked up the definition of love in the dictionary.  It didn't say to be in a relationship with someone long enough so they know you care and then speak truth into them and tell them they are wrong and you are right.  And they need to change.  And to tie the above in, How's that working out with your marraige?  

     Third, pets go to heaven.  Pets just die.  It doesn't matter what you believe.  It doesn't change anything.  Because I'm guessing when you get to heaven you won't care.  

     And lastly, probably the most important if you've made it this far.  I had a short conversation with another friend.  They said it's hard to think about friends who are great people, loving to others, fantastic humanitarians and really care about you going to hell because they don't know Jesus.  Do you know why that's hard to think about?  Because God put that emotion inside of you.  And lets just say you are the one that has to look your friend in the eye and be the one that damns them to hell.  Like, you said the word and off they went.  You couldn't do it.  You know why you can't?  God gave you that emotion too.  The shittiest person in the world that gossips, is a poor steward, mean to others and hates animals but believes in Jesus goes to heaven and the other person who is an outstanding person goes to hell?  I don't buy it.  If you can't imagine that, my guess is that neither can God.  It says in scripture that Love covers a multitude of sins.  So why do we so many christians have to be so focused on what the bible says and it being absolute truth?  Is God not bigger then the bible?  Is He not bigger then our mistakes effecting others?  I may be wrong about this stuff and it may even steer people the wrong way.  But I believe God is bigger than me and that he'll make sure those others are taken care of for my mistakes.  And I also believe that he'll know I erred on the side of Love.  And Love covers a multitude of sins.  

  

Second Chances?

     It's a shame really.  So many of us don't believe in second chances.  You might be saying "WAIT! I absolutely do believe in second chances!" And you'd be wrong.  You don't.  You believe in third, fourth, fifth and more chances.  Because we don't screw up just once, it's multiple times.  And for most of us, we are granted another opportunity.  

   

      Sometimes, the action committed is serious.  Perhaps you've been in trouble with the law.  Now that you have a record, those chances become fewer and fewer.  You need more people in your corner to provide references for you. I was involved in a program that helped young men with second chances.  And we saw many of them take them and do something with their life.  I'm so thankful for people that took a chance with them.  I'm I'm even happier for those young men that didn't blow that chance and proved to others AND themselves that they are worth it.  

     But what if you do something so heinous that you go to jail?  I think because of the freedom we have in America it's easy to start wandering down the wrong road and end up in some serious trouble. It may take some significant recovery to bounce back, but I believe it's possible.  

     We all have done things or even do things that we are ashamed of.  We even most likely do things that if our employers or friends knew about, they'd think different of us.  So they remain secrets.  And those of you that claim Christianity, is anything bigger than God to forgive?  If one shows repentance and a desire to change, would God deny him?  NO.   So why do we? What do we have to worry about? 

      This post was influenced by the beginning of this years NFL season.  We have a player that is convicted of child abuse taking the field, many that were accused of rape, one that has been in jail for dog fighting, one that deflates his balls so he can hold them better (couldn't resist) and who knows what else the rest are hiding.  But we cheer them all on because that's our team.   Many Steeler fans are pissed that Mike Vick is playing for them.  But you aren't pissed at Big Ben?  Has Vick been anything but an upstanding citizen since prison?  Has he made any headlines showing former behavior still present?  Has he paid back all the money that was owed?  Did he do something incredibly wrong?  Yes.  Did he go to jail?  Yes.  Do you even know ANYTHING about him?  What a shame to only know people by their bad behavior.   I understand you may not like what he did, I certainly don't.  It's disgusting.  However, I've been given no evidence that he hasn't changed from his old ways.  That doesn't mean we have to be best friends, but I don't have to rip him a new one again and again and again.  As far as him still playing, for the professional quarterback standards of today, he's not that good.  He's not making a lot of money.  If he was still engaged in risky behavior he's not good enough to earn a spot on a team.  I'm not saying this in a condescending tone if you still don't like him.  I'm just asking that you'd consider actually learning about what he's been doing since and not judging his motives for doing so if you are going to talk about him.   I'm asking you to try to root for people to recover and change and give them space to do so.  Wouldn't that be awesome to see people change? 

     I would rather see someone trying to change and being given a second chance then hold a black cloud over their head forever.   If we all treated ourselves the same way we treat other people, the whole world would be black.   So lets give others a shot, since that's what we do for ourselves when we screw up. 

You're SO Vain

     Oh. My. God.  Becky, look at that butt.  Sorry, could resist a bit of mix a lot. But seriously, growing up my parents were a bit legalistic when it came to words.  For example, when we played Super Mario Bros. on the original NES we couldn't say that Mario died.  But that he got caught.  We couldn't say shut up, even though yelling BE QUIET had the same undertone.  Oh my God couldn't even be replaced with oh my gosh.  Yes..we resorted to Oh My Goodness.   In first grade I was in the cafeteria after school with my mom and sister at Jacksonville Elementary School in Walnut Bottom Pennsylvania.  That is were I said damn for the first time that I can remember.  But, this blog isn't about cuss words.  I already wrote that one.  This one is about taking the Lords name in vain.  Most people think that all this entails is a phrase like OMG, Oh My God or God Damn it.  I don't think so, not anymore.

meme taken without permission (sorry, it was on the internet) from religiouscomics.net

     So yeah...that's pretty much my blog.  To elaborate just a bit.  I know about the bible.  I read the bible.  I also try to do a lot of digging about what certain passages mean.  Like looking up hebrew texts and original words and the different ways to translate.  Often times the current translation is just a snapshot of a much bigger picture of what the author was trying to relay.  I think if we try to read the NIV or the message and know what God intended is taking the Lords name in vain.  Speaking on God's behalf is taking the Lords name in vain.  We may be right, but we may be wrong.  We really don't know for sure 100%.

     This came up as I was talking to a friend about our views on things like LGBT, pacifism, politics etc.  But basically the concept of sin.   I have developed some pretty progressive views and have an idea of an incredibly gracious and merciful God and savior.  While I respected his viewpoints, since I used to live in that camp, he asked me a question.  What if you're wrong?  And you lead people away from Christ instead of to Him.  My initial response was to ask him the same thing.  But my reply was simple.  If it's me or them, let it be me for them.  Like Christ did.  I would hope that if I was following my heart and led another astray, when we would meet God he would look upon them with mercy.  It was I that took the Lords name in vain, not them.  Let them spend eternity with God and do whatever I deserve to me.

      So that's what I think about when I hear don't take the Lords name in vain.  There will be a part two of this blog.  I could write it now.  But I'll let this sit for awhile. As always, I may be wrong.  But I have to follow my heart and my mind.

Trust the River

As most of you know I was at the wild goose festival this past weekend in hot springs North Carolina. It was an amazing weekend. 

I heard a story from Michael Gungor about his journey recently and it really struck a chord. He used the metaphor of hanging onto a branch in a river that was trying to sweep him away. The branch represented his childhood/youth beliefs. The things he was raised on. He was the guy that invited the rest of the youth to his house to sing worship songs. Very much your typical fundamentalist church stuff. Do not question anything. But here he found himself, questioning. And the church (very recently) wasn't to kind.  The river was a new way of thinking. The unknown. But he struggled to let go of the branch. This wrestling took him to a place of deep depression. I know this struggle well. Too well. It wasn't until he let go of the branch that he realized the river was God. And that the river (God) was going to show him a world he never saw before. The river said that if you hold onto the branch you'll never see God in his fullness. A God that is rarely seen inside of a box. Let go. Trust the River. It's fantastic. You learn to love without condition. You learn to recognize people and not just projects. You see hurts and pains instead of making judgements and condemnation.  And yes, I'm taking some artistic liberty in describing the river. So there you have it. And the goose is a Celtic symbol of unpredictability, beauty and grace. And Steve at hammer and nail is fantastic. 

For SKUBALA's Sake!!!

*just to clarify.  this is me talking, thinking outloud.  This is an invite into my mind. MY mind.  I don't represent any other entity nor do my thoughts represent the views of any church or ministry. 

This post has been a couple weeks in the making.  I thought today would be a good day for it.  

 Lets begin with a bible lesson. Philippians 3:8.  You're all probably like..."WTF (this stands for With Total Faith in case you were wondering) Jon's actually using the bible..."  Yes.  Yes I am.  -What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ.

Garbage, dung are among the words that came from Pauls original use of the term "skabula."  The actual word translates to shit.   Paul used some pretty strong language here to make a point.  Now, I'm not saying this passage condones the use of foul language.  But if it is used, we shouldn't be surprised.    There are several others that point out that crude jokes and obscene talk shouldn't be spoken.  These are often followed up with something like extending thanksgiving or building each other up.  Guess what?  I don't think these passages are talking about shit, ass, crap (oh wait, you say that one?),  damn and even fuck.  Why?  Because I read it on the internet.  AND that I think the writer is referring to harsh words spoken to or about another.  Gossip and slander.  Calling someone names that belittles and humiliates a person.  I think it's more about being kind to one another with our words.  So yes, if someone uses these words to hurt or belittle someone I'm not ok with that.  But not because of your choice of words, but the fact you're being a dick.  Oops...I think I just sinned because I  called someone that makes fun of someone a dick.   And obviously that's not the way to respond to someone that's hurtful.  So next time you read a Matt Walsh blog, encourage him to continue to keep listening to his heart and not his head instead of wishing death upon him. 


Which brings me to this.  2 weeks ago I read a post by a former Assemblies of God pastor.  It spoke of being depressed and feeling down,  (Which are situational, but you could also have undiagnosed depression too).   Quoted some passages from Jeremiah and said you need to sing praises to the lord in those times you are in a dark place.  Well, here was my response.  And a few days later I was sent a private message being asked to remove the foul langauge.  I did, because I care about the message I gave.  He's got a big following and I know it resonated with someone.  Which he agreed.  We had good conversation, but still didn't like the words.  Here was my response to his original post.






I love those moments when I can be honest with God.  I feel most intimate with him when I can speak my thoughts freely.  Just Saturday, I had a fantastic time with some fantastic people. Then sunday rolled around.  I hit a dark place of depression (that I struggle with and have for many years despite prayer and faith).  That story is for another day.  I was sick of it on sunday.  I haven't been that close to thinking about what it would be like to end it.  But there are to many things in this life that are keeping me alive.  I hurt for those that don't win that battle.  But I got in my truck to go on a drive to clear my head and the first words were...."F YOU GOD.  Why are you such an ahole?"  (Edited out of respect for those not wishing to read those words) And a variety of other words.  And I've never felt so close at that moment.  It was like God said thanks for being honest with your feelings.  I wasn't praising him, I was using him for a punching bag.    I get very upset and discouraged when I hear talk of just going to God and praising him when you are in dark place. That you need to strengthen your faith and remember that God is almighty!  Well, he may be.  But that is incredibly hurtful to someone that has been a devout Christian their whole life and still struggles with depression.     

Now, I understand that you may actually be talking about an emotion and not an illness.  But sometimes it's hard to tell a difference.  

Thanks for listening to my thoughts on this topic.  I do appreciate the encouragement this post Pastor Wayde may give some.  But I couldn't keep my mouth shut on how I hear it.


We'll I'm sorry, if you get offended or upset by a word that isn't being directed at another human and is merely a description.  I would suggest doing some searching into why?  I mean, Paul did it.  And many today heed his words over Jesus.   Please don't judge people by the language they use, if any judgement is done judge them on how they treat dogs.  Just kidding.  Judge them on how they treat others.  Are they encouraging?  Welcoming? Friendly?  Honest? Truthful?   Or are the critical? Condemning?  Full of complaints without solutions?

Some food for thought this afternoon.

And while everyone is so damn captivated.  What if you're wrong in thinking homosexuality is a sin and you are adamant that it's a sin?  You've just made the life of any homosexual incredibly difficult, stressful and depressing with your condescending attitude.  And that was their one life.  And you ruined it.   What if you're right?  Well, no one is listening to you anyhow with that attitude.   So if you don't mind...SHUT THE F....ront door called your mouth.  And even if you aren't sure, that's ok.  Isn't God big enough to deal with it?  Just love.  And stop worrying about the small stuff.

Holy fu*# (profanity alert)

So I had a thought this morning. Wanted to get some feedback. But I didn't want it on a Facebook comment. So I'd give people the option of coming here instead.

Yesterday when I about stepped on the four foot black snake I jumped about ten feet in the air, startled me more than anything, and shouted "Holy fucking shitballs batman!"  

Whoa. Pretty intense for a snake. But there is a scientific explanation for the language in a situation like that. 

BUT! There are people (fundamentalists and some other Christians) that would get all bent out of shape that I used that language. They would spend more time complaining and arguing how bad it was then the time it took me to say them and help the defenseless black snake across the trail.  

I didn't belittle anyone by saying them, so what's the problem? Do you care more about the words someone says then their well being? 

seriously, if you read all of these, don't read this one

I wrote this a few weeks ago.  But it still resonates.

Alive to the lies

the lies that give birth to hurt inside of me

akin to the tumor of self depreciation

and the depths of loneliness

So many fears

fears in a state of unforgiveness

trapped in a chasm of hatred

    hatred of self  

Fuck the past.

Fuck the pain.

Fuck the hurts.

Life moves fast

a fast train only moving one way

it would be nice if we could stop

slow down and be still just jump

off

Vulnerability is one of our biggest fears

Vulnerability is one of my biggest fears.  One of our biggest fears.  Perhaps it's because people will finally see the real you.  Or maybe it's that they already know the real you and they're just happy you admitted it.  Or maybe you're just afraid to admit the real you to someone other than you because that means how you feel about yourself might actually be true.

This needs to stop. 

I struggle everyday with feelings of worthlessness.  I do (or at least I think I do) a good job of hiding that.  And that's a bad thing.  Because now if you had me as this upstanding citizen in your mind and now you know that I have feelings of really low self worth it makes you feel like you may not be doing enough.  YOU ARE.  While you can help, it's note our fault.   Don't listen to the gremlins that tell you that you are not good enough.

I feel like I owe it to anyone that reads this to open up a little bit more about what I actually struggle with.  Because I don't think I'm alone.  And you need to know you aren't either.

The littlest thing can set off a wave of emotion.  Someone you feel seriously questioning your decisions as a father.  Even though you love your kids and try your hardest to be the best dad you can be, their comment brings up all the times you've failed.  And for some reason, that's all you can remember.

If you only know me from what you read on facebook and in my blog, you really don't know me.  There is only one person that I believe really knows me.  And 2 or 3 others that think they know me really well, but they only know what I let them know.  That's not to say I'm a bad person, I'm not.  It's just my way of staying in control.  But that doesn't work.  So I'm gonna try just being as honest as I can be.  Even when I'm in my most vulnerable moments.  Because I think we all need to be a little more open and honest with each other.  I think we need to share things in our most emotional state because if we wait and sleep it off we'll never share how we feel.  Those emotions come from somewhere, and we need to let them out.  They mean something.  They aren't always valid, but it helps to release them.

I've been accused of not paying enough attention to my family.  That I do to much work in Haiti, spend to much time running and that I don't provide enough for my family.  These accusations are made by someone that doesn't really know me, but it hurts more than anything.  Because they don't know I already struggle with extremely low self worth.  And their accusation makes me question what I thought I was doing good at.  And now the very things that bring me joy don't.   Now they produce guilt.    So when I joke about leaving my sleeping kids alone and going on a run and someone seriously asks if I'm joking or not, someone that should know me better, that hurts.  That really hurts.  That puts me in the place of questioning if they see something I don't.  That I really am a bad parent.  

See this downward spiral?  This isn't a cry for help.  This isn't a woe is me post.  I'll be fine.  I always have.  I've made it this far.  I'm still me.  I haven't been fake.  Ok, maybe I have been a little fake. I just haven't been completely honest and open about how I feel on the inside.  I don't think any of us have.  Even if we think we've been.

I'm sorry.  I'm sorry if I've unintentionally hurt anyone.  I'm sorry if you feel like I may have intentionally hurt you.  I really mean no harm.  And if it feels like I am coming across as harmful, it's usually because I'm trying to bring you down with the ship that I think I'm sailing.  And even that's not right of me.

I don't know where these feelings come from.  Quite honestly I don't care.  I just hope they stop.  But even if they don't, I hope I learn what is truth and what is not.  And I hope I can learn to raise my children up not having these same thoughts.  I want to be able to love my wife and kids better.  It's hard to do that when you don't love yourself.  It's a nightmare when one day you wake up and you realize you've been digging a hole for years and you are at the bottom of it.  And now you have to get out and you realize you can't get out as fast as you found yourself in it.

Don't let it be like this.

At the end of this...I'm still me.  I still love to laugh and have fun.  I still love to help others feel better about themselves.  I still love to do things for others.  I just need to stop pretending like I have it all together.  And I just need to stop typing and share this before I feel like I can't because I don't want people to know.  But I have to take that risk.  It might be a mistake....but at this point, might as well give it a shot. I just hope that I wasn't so good at convincing people I've got it all together that they don't believe me that these things really do exist in my head. 

Be real, be truthful, be loving, be caring, be understanding. 
 

Langauge. Definition. Power.

 PRE-SCRIPT - I'm not claiming to be right.  I'm not claiming perfection.  You all know my blogs are a journey into my brain and how I think.    I know I do things that I rail against on occasion.  Oh...and there might be some words you may not like in here.  Just a heads up.

I had a conversation today with someone whose opinions and viewpoints I value highly.  We were talking about foul language. And really, what makes it foul.  And if it is appropriate or inappropriate.  So yes, there will be words used in this blog that you might not be used to hearing from me.  I choose not to think much about those words, but try my best to be respectful of others and the audience I am around.  I try, but it's hard for me to understand why a word could be so bad to someone.  I understand in the case of calling someone a name and being rude to someone.  I don't agree with that at all.  I try to be peaceful with everyone if possible and think the best of them.  So I don't see a need to call names. I think the reason many people think these words are offensive stems from what they were taught.  So if you disagree with me, I get that.  I understand.  And it's ok. 

Growing up, I wasn't allowed to say Mario "died" while playing nintendo.  He got caught.  I wasn't allowed to say fart, shut up or crap.  Toot, be quiet and poop was acceptable.  They all mean the same things.  I think I grew up resentful that I couldn't say crap when it meant the same thing as poop.  Like the word piss, right Tony? 

I certainly hope no one makes a judgement about the content of ones character based on the language that they use.   To some, words are words.  They don't know any different.  That way I choose to ignore a word if someone uses it and I don't like it.  There is one exception to this rule.  We all know what it is.  It starts with N.  I have a zero tolerance policy on that one.   I do think that was a valid point.  If someone who doesn't know me hears me say the word shit, for example, it might turn them off and they won't hear anything else I say.  Because to them it's not appropriate.  I get that.  But they shouldn't allow a word to hold that much weight.  We will always offend someone whether we intend to or not.  But we can choose to be offended or not.  

I have some other points and I've discussed this previously.  It's a conversation that happens a lot actually. There have even been a few people that have called me out based on a few colorful words I've said on facebook.  What about replacements?  When it's 5 degrees outside.... The shiver....It's so freakin cold out!  You could say that at a church retreat.  But drop the f bomb and it's like you dropped the A bomb.  To me, they are one in the same.  In that context.  Forgot something after you are a mile down the road and it's second nature to let out an audible "CRAAAAAP!".  But you'd never say shit.  That would be bad.  I know what you're thinking...."That's a bunch of bull."  Why didn't you finish it?  Even if you audibly say FINISH IT, you said shit.  It's the same as poop or crap. 

*This is my dream world section*   I'm still not saying I'm ok with a bunch of 4 year olds going around using words like this.  But then again....who makes them bad words?  They certainly don't.  What if instead of teaching what words are bad we stopped making those words bad.  Punching someone in the face.  That's bad.  Date rape, that's bad.  Any rape, that's bad too.  Treating people as property, that's bad.  What if a child said, "daddy, there's a shit in my diaper!"?  What if we treated that the same as if he said poop?     I believe that could happen.  But I'm not holding my breath.  

At the end of the day, I don't really care what words you use.  It's not until you'd use those words in a derogatory way at another person where I draw the line.  But I'd also draw the line if you were mean to another person and you didn't use "those" words either.   So basically....it still doesn't matter what words you use.  It all comes down to how you treat people.  While you may have a responsibility to use certain words depending on your audience, the audience also has a responsibility to not judge someone based upon the words they use.   We are more than our words.  We are more than our appearance. 

Eyes of Hope

     There is no mystery in a child's eyes when they turn to look at their parents after making a basket in his last game of the season. When she gets the game winning RBI in her tee ball game. When he comes in first place in the 50 meter dash. When she brings home her first straight A report card.

      There is also no mystery in their eyes when they look for safety and comfort when they miss a free throw to win the game, or strike out with runners in scoring position in the bottom of the ninth, tripping and losing the race or bringing home their first D on their report card. 

      Children look to their parents in all situations. For support, encouragement, love, kindness, direction or whatever the need may be. When you have a child, you consent to being this beacon for your child. Unfortunately many are not ready for that. Parents bring their own hurts and pains of missed eye contact to their own journey of becoming a parent. 

     When a child loses that moment to feel appreciated, that they did something good, that they succeeded then they do one of two things (actually many others these are two big ones).  They stop looking or they continue to look to other places for that safety, comfort and the longing to feel loved and appreciated from somewhere else.   Some will even seek to do good things and succeed because of their upbringing in church. They try to do good things because that's what God and Jesus wants. But what happens when their faith is questioned and they doubt? Because it happens. Then why do good? Why be kind? Why strive to do your best? Because if there is no father there to impress, what's the point?  

     I found myself there. Very recently.  And then I finally for the first time in my life realized the love of the Father. I can't just can't sit here and pretend to describe something that typed words can't. But I'd be open to sharing and caring over coffee sometime. 

     And here I find myself. Trying to bring a peace to a very real problem that people have to deal with on a daily basis.  And I'm doing it on an iphone.  

    But I can leave these words with you. 

    HOPE. 

     Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

    

Our First Noel

This is a story of transformation.  About a boy who is facing his fears and growing into a young man and eventually an adult.  This is Noel, he is the boy we sponsor through Freedom Global Outreach.   There aren't many organizations that provide you the opportunity to visit with the children you help care for financially.  What a blessing it is to spend quality time with Noel.  What a blessing it has been watching the transformation of this young boy who when I met him for the first time he sat along the wall  with sadness, fear and a loneliness in is eyes.  They said he would be perfect for me.  Although it is our family that sponsors Noel, I am the only one that has been able to spend time with him.  For now, Emily is planning a trip in the near future! 

 

After that first trip, I went back a few months later.  Not much changed with Noel.  There was still a sadness.  Or so it seemed.  He rarely showed much positive emotion.  There wasn't much interaction with him and the other boys that I could see.  After many trips back over the past two years, as well as other groups.  We've been able to see Noel go from shy, sad and aloof to somewhat shy, happy and present.  Often smiling and playing with other kids.  He now greets me with a huge smile and a great big hug.   Here he is on my most recent trip.  We were having fun taking selfies.  He not only gets along with me, but is extremely comfortable with others as well. 

 

Noel's story is not unusual.  All the kids that come into the orphanage have one.  They all need love.  We have a great opportunity to show that to these children, and children around the world.  There are several ways to do that.  You could come visit, you'll most likely go back a second time.  Just sayin. You could sponsor a child.  You could give to the ministry.  You could give to someone like me :-) to go on more trips to invest in the lives of these kids.  

 My mom and sister with their sponsor children.  Linshey, Clenock and Richena

 Those eyes speak.

 Ashli, Gary and Noel

  More selfie fun

Diakon's Flight program spending time with the kids

Vern and Noel.  Told you he gets comfortable with the other visitors!

When the Sponsor organizers said that Noel would be perfect for us, I had no idea.  But now I see the big picture.  They probably didn't even know at the time how perfect.  Because they all are.  They could have given us any of the kids and it would have been perfect.  But let me tell you, when I share about the transformation about Noel.  Going from a young boy who had eyes that said he was scared, that he felt alone, a misunderstanding of where he was and why he was there and yet he moved forward.  With the hope of what's to come he took it day by day.  And over the past two years of battling demons of fear and sadness and allowing others to be a part of his life,  he has grown into a happy, healthy, smiling young man ready to give you a hug whether you want it or not.  Sometimes, when I share about Noel I forget who's transformation I'm talking about.  His or mine.    

Be a Gator

"Being brave isn't the same as not feeling scared. Being brave is about what you do even when you do feel scared."

— Gator, Tale of the Brave 

Yes.  That is a Thomas the Tank Engine character.  I started praying with my son, Josiah (3), at night.  Often times I will ask him who or what we should pray for.  A few nights ago he said we should pray for Gator.  

Who's Gator?  He's a train from the latest Thomas movie, Tale of the Brave. Gator has overcome some fears in his days as an engine.  Although he still has a slight fear of heights. But Gator is able to teach Percy how to handle fear and to be brave.  In turn it helps many other engines overcome some fears. 

So, back to the prayer.  I felt like I needed to pray for more than just Gator and scrap yard crane.  So I began to pray for the kids at the orphanages we visit.  Many of them struggle with fears and hurts of their own.  It's sometimes hard for us to see them, they are so happy when we are there.  But the reality of the situation strikes.  And I realize they need Gators.  So they can be Gators.  We can be their Gators.  So I began to pray that more and more people become Gators in the lives of children (and adults) that need them.  To help teach that being brave isn't about not being scared, but moving forward in spite of the fears and hurts.  

Be a Gator, and don't afraid to need a Gator. 

Boxed in on the Run

Get out of your box.  Free yourself.       

      Something I enjoy about trail running and running in general are the mental lessons.  Listening to your body instead of your mind.  I'll never forget the summer I started running.  It was 2012.  I started at 2 miles.  That was FAR.  I remember deciding to keep running.  I never liked running.  It sucked.  Most people think running sucks.  Because you're doing it wrong.  Most likely.  It's in your mind.  Free your mind, free your body.  I remember when I went from 2 miles to 4 miles.  Something really clicked when I hit 5.  Then I began to wonder just how far I could go.  Then 6 miles came and went. Onto 8, then 10.  Then came my first half marathon in September.  But the day before I ran my fastest 5k in 24:30.  Then I ran my first half marathon in a little over 2 hours.  But that wasn't the end of it.  Why stop there?  Why not go for a marathon?  Because we could go 5 more miles and say we ran and ULTRA Marathon!  Right Chris?  Sounded fantastic.  So I signed up for my first 50k, just months after I started running.  Didn't train worth a lick, ran a long run of 16 miles about a month prior.  This wasn't the greatest decision.  But I finished my first 50k on the trails in Allison Park in Pittsburgh in just about 8 hours.  It was the best worst day of my life.  And I was hooked.  I signed up for another 50k in April of the following year only to finish the 15k due to a knee injury.  And then my running slowed.  Until this year when I felt I needed to ramp things up and run 77 miles this September for my 33rd birthday.

    ANYWAY, I wasn't expecting to give you the recap of my running history.  But here's what you need to know.  Around a mile, assuming you have no other physical limitation you'll think you are going to die.  You won't (although I can't guarantee that, I don't know your personal health).   But if you push a little further, you'll learn that things don't get much worse.  They don't get that much better either though.  But you can continue, that's the important part.  If you are ready to quit at 2 miles, you can go 4.  At the end of 4, you will be ready to be done.  But the important thing is that you proved that most of the work to continue lies in your mind.  Your body can handle it.
  
     How often to we have a predetermined mindset on the parameters in which God can work?  Pretty often if you ask me.  If you let your mind go, and let God work, He can do infinitely greater things then we ever thought possible.   Paul tells us this in the book of Ephesians.  That even the LOVE of Christ surpasses knowledge.  So even if you think you know how deep the Fathers love is, it's deeper.  So deep we'll never be able to fully comprehend the depths.

    Let go of the framework that you've put God in.  Just let it go.  Any comparison we have that shows the love doesn't compare.  When we begin to think what God would do, or how God would work, or what is sin and what isn't sin, just let it go.  Our minds don't work that way.  But you know what we can do?  LOVE.   Cast aside judgements.  Cast aside preconceived notions.  Cast aside your need to be right.  And just LOVE.  Love Never Fails.