Shortest Blog post ever.

We are taking an impromptu trip to Atlantic City today.  Josiah wanted to see an ocean.  He has before, but wanted to see one again.  So why not?  Have a nice day.  Have a cute animal photo.

Sadness

Gonna be hard to pull this all together.  But I'll try.  Sadness.  I felt sad for the first time this week.  No, not about all the shootings.  I'll get to that.

This weekend in The Wild Goose Festival in Hot Springs NC.  I went there last year in the midst of one of the biggest emotional roller coasters I've been on in my entire life.  It was the the merging of me discovering who I really am and the deconstruction of my Christian faith.  It was at Wild Goose where I met many of the people that I listened to that played a big part of me knowing I wasn't alone in my thoughts.  I had an amazing time.  So many eye opening experiences.  Even the town of Hot Springs is absolutely charming.   Wild Goose is where I got the idea for the majority of my tattoos.  Including "Trust the River".  This years theme is "Story". And do I have quite the story.  Wild Goose is where I got inspired to build this studio in the garage for me to create.  Fast forward a few months and my wife and I were in the middle of her deciding or not to take another job.  She decided on it and we knew it would throw summer plans into the air.  Immediately I thought of Wild Goose.  But it was partly because of my experience at Wild Goose that I was ok with not being able to plan that trip this year and focus on my wife.  But dang...this week.  Thinking about Wild Goose.  I'm sad.  There is a yearning in me that is making it hard to not be there.  My extended family is there.  Those are my people.  But I realized something.  I wasn't mad.  I wasn't angry.  I wasn't bitter.  I knew why I was in this situation and it was because a relationship was healed.  I was healing.  I was experience this deep sadness and longing.  Something I never recall experiencing.  It's was usually bitterness, anger or frustration.  Sadness is nice feeling.  We will visit Wild Goose again.  Don't worry.

Speaking of sadness.  I'm not going to get into Facebook discussions about the senseless killings happening.   2 compliant black men earlier this week and now 5 policemen in dallas.  I'm hearing ignorance being spewed from all sides.  I can see the hurt and pain in those that have lost loved ones. There is an anger that is boiling.  The suppressed anger of a community is coming out.  And I don't blame them.  A volcano is about to erupt.  And when that happens, you can't fight a volcano.  You have to let it release it's steam and lava until it's satisfied.

When will we all see and be treated like people.

I would typically get angry and lash out against one group or another.  But there is no group at fault here.  There is a group that's a victim.  But we are all responsible.  

I don't think there is anything I can say that will change one's mind.  Sure I have my views.  Guns aren't going to solve anything.  You see how guns were the reason two innocent men lost their lives which led to 5 police losing their lives.  Guns.   You say guns will protect you.  Guns will protect others.  Well, you see what happens when people arm themselves.  Police don't know who the good guys and bad guys are.  They don't know motives.  No wonder they are on edge all the time.  So go ahead, get a gun.  Even if it's legal.  Unless you're black.  Then you'll probably get shot because your black and you have a gun.  Even if it's legal and you are complaint.  That's RACISM!  And that is exactly what is happening.  This violence isn't new.  The cameras are new.  Social media is new.

It saddens me.  Especially when I see church leaders admitting that they've been silent to long on the racism issue and instead of apologizing to the very people they've hurt, they apologize to God instead.   WHAT!?!

That is all.  I could continue down rabbit holes.  Cops shoot white people too.  White and black people shoot cops too.  The only thing I suggest is acknowledge the fact that everyone needs to be a part of change.  Silence won't help.  I don't know what will, I just know what won't. This might not.  I'm just talking it out at this point.  I started talking out my feelings when I finished talking about Wild Goose.  I was hesitant to bring any of this up, but last years theme at wild goose was about this very thing.

If God is Real. But God's not Real. Maybe God is RealTree and we can't see God.

So.  Before I start this morning.  God is NOT gendered.  God is not a he or a she.  God is often referred to as a he or him by Jesus and many other biblical characters.  But this is only because they view God as a father figure.  NOT that God is a human.  God is not a human.  So I will try not to refer to God as a he or she.

Now here's a kitten.

I've always found this phrase funny.  Because I had a youth pastor that said it's always easier to ask for forgiveness than it is for permission.  In todays world of consent first, I strongly encourage people to not follow that advice.  It is not easier to ask for forgiveness.  But, he wasn't talking about that.  Don't worry.  I hope not anyway.  But so many people use God as a vending machine.  If I put my money and service into this thing I'll get something in return.

It's not secret that I have been struggling with what I believe about God and Christianity over the past year or two.  Does God exist?  What about the Jesus story?  What role do they play in life?  Even if they aren't real, what changes?
Does anything change?  Because the story is still an amazing story that teaches valuable lessons on life, love and caring for the least of these.  But it's still relevant to me to search for undeniable truth that God exists.  Apparently there is historical evidence of Jesus, and something most certainly happened as a result of his life.  A movement around

the time of his death that make the roman empire go berserk.  So live and love like Jesus.  Cool.  Got it.  But I don't see much of that in Christianity lately.  Lots of condemnation and Judgement.  Let me remind you who was attracted to Jesus.  All the ones it seems the church is critical and judgmental of.  And who was Jesus most often pissed at.  Who did he have strong words or judgement to?  The religious folk of his day.  He had some intense words for the leaders of the church especially.  Called them snakes.  A brood of vipers.

So.  After my son listened to "A Prayer" by kings kaleidoscope.  He asked me if I loved God.  Put me on the spot.  I took a minute or two.  Drew in the sand for a bit.  I told him that if the God I want to believe in is real, then yeah, I guess I love God.  He said without missing a beat, "Daddy, God isn't real!"   Music to my ears.  "God is in your heart!"  Mind.  Blown.  WOW.  The wisdom of a child.  God is in your heart.  My God is not the same as your God.  What is in your heart is different than what is in my heart.  But what if we all looked to the life of Jesus as an example of the true nature of God.  Of forgiveness, grace, peace, love and a welcoming spirit.....and you followed your heart.   Does it matter if any of it real?  I don't really think it does.

Dear Lord, this is my prayer. Please help Christians take their heads out of their bums. Thanks. Amen.

A year and a half ago I found myself experiencing mental anguish, problems, breakdowns, panic/anxiety attacks like never before.  I'm not exactly sure what it was.  I was beginning the deconstruction of my christian faith and finding people and podcasts that were right there with me.  It all started with a fantasy football trade attempt gone bad.  Well, that was one of the things that brought my struggles to the surface. But it had nothing to do with fantasy football, I can assure you.  The podcast that basically gave me permission to question my faith was the Bad Christian Podcast.  I heard a podcast called the Moonshine Jesus show that helped me understand bible verses in a whole new light.  I also had a growing distaste for the christian music industry.  I came to learn of a band called "Kings Kaleidoscope".   This was the beginning of me beginning to be me.

Kings K put out the the record, "Becoming Who We Are", after leaving the abusive  (my words) Mars Hill church in Seattle with Mark Driscoll.  They could finally be real and truthful about their emotions and feelings.  Lyrics like this from "Seek Your Kingdom"I’ve been anxious, I can’t sleep

Worthless worries, burden me

I hunt the sun, chase the wind

‘Till my tired spirit spins into the ground

When I try to take control

Fear and terror grip my soul

I need joy, I need peace

I need rest I need relief

I look to you, and you teach me to

 Seek your kingdom

Seek your righteousness

See the ravens, they can’t farm

They don’t have silos, trucks or barns

But our God sees their needs

And he loves them and he feeds them everyday

See the lilies, how they grow

They don’t work or buy their clothes

But if God, by his grace, clothes the grass with great array

Then how much more, is there in store, when I…

....

When I’m worried about tomorrow, I’ll fix my eyes on you

All the weight in the world won’t bury me, you’ll take me home

They were the first lyrics about any resemblance of faith that moved me.  The way Chad Gardner pulls these words together paired with the music they produce is incredible.  Soul moving.  Take these words from  "Felix Culpa"

And still I’m a wicked, wretched man, I do everything I hate

I am fighting to be god, I seethe and claw and thrash and shake

I have killed and stacked the dead, on a throne from which I reign

In the end I just want blood, and with his blood my hands are stained

See the God who reigns on high, he has opened his own veins

From his wounds a rushing torrent that can wash it all away

Grace upon grace, upon grace upon grace

Well, there new album "Beyond Control" just dropped last week.  At first I wasn't impressed.  But when I learned the heart behind this album it grew on me.  Kings K has a way of doing that.  It may not be your cup of tea at first.  But the more you listen....It grabs you.  And when you learn of how the songs came to be and the journey of the man that wrote most of them.... 

But then there was track 12, "A Prayer".  There was a little "E" next to it.  But this is a Christian praise and worship band.  They sing these songs in church.  What in the world??? 

Will I fall or will I misstep?

Will I fall or will I misstep?

Will I call you with my last breathe?

Will you be there for me after?

Will I waste inside the silence

Where the fear is fucking violent?

Wicked sinner thrown to lions

With no hope on the horizon

Will I fall or will I misstep?

If I fall or if I misstep

If I fall or if I misstep

If I call you with my last breath

Will you be there for me after?

Cause I'm wasting in this silence

And my fear is fucking violent

I'm a child thrown to lions

Is there hope on the horizon?

If I fall or if I misstep

[Bridge]

Jesus, where are You?

Am I still beside You?

Jesus, where are You?

Am I still beside You?

Jesus, where are You?

Am I still beside You?

Am I still beside You?

Jesus, where are You?

Jesus, where are You?

[Jesus' Response]

I’m right beside you! I feel what you feel!

And I’m here to hold you when death is too real!

You know, I died, too! I was terrified!

I gave myself for you! I was crucified

Because I love you! I love you, child!

I love you!

Can you believe there are christians upset about this.  Oh, this was a prayer.  When Gardner was in a place of turmoil, deep dark depression, he wrote this prayer.  Ready to give up on Jesus.  You can hear the story on episode 205 of the Bad Christian Podcast.  It's moving.  And I cried.  Because I've been there.  OH....After my son heard this song, he's 4 and half, it's the only song he said he wanted to listen to again.  After that my son asked me if I loved God.  I'll share my response tomorrow. 

Back to the frustration of Christians and Kings K fans upset about this song....What's the problem?  Are you going to tell Christians how they should and shouldn't feel?  Do you know how God wants to be talked to?  The God who you claim calls you to "come as you are" to worship.  If this upsets you so much, you need to do a serious gut check.  Are you so busy following rules that you fail to see someone in torment right in front of your face?  I get it thought, if you don't like that word, fine.  But you don't need to be a warrior about making sure christians don't say it.  I'd bet God would take the honesty conversation over your bullshit legality any day.  You ought to just let it all out.  You'll probably feel better.  

Kings Kaleidoscope....rock on.  

Let me tell you....Last summer, a few days ago was a year.  I was in a really low spot.  really.  I left the house.  I had no idea what emotions I was feeling or what I was so angry about.  I got in my car, drove about 20 yards and realized I had no where to go because I couldn't escape myself.  I let out an audible scream in the car.  Here's my lyrics....

Fuck you God 

You are such an asshole

That's all.  It was like a screamo song.  And you know what happened?  I heard it plain as day.  

Thanks for being honest with me

Now.

Let's talk real. 

It was so peaceful.  Trust the River.  God is much bigger than you think.  I'm still in the process of learning.  And what I learned from my 4 year old son that you'll hear about tomorrow blew my mind. Oh, I shared my story about the conversation I had with God.  And an Assemblies of God pastor asked me to censor myself because people might get offended.  Whatever.  These are peoples REAL conversations with God.  Why are they censored?  Give me a break.  Maybe if more people would be honest.....What are you so afraid of?  Words are not bad.  What you have in your heart is.  

Chad Gardner, not that you'll ever read this, Thanks.  Your music and lyrics are inspiring and truthful.  Don't stop.  

I encourage anyone to pick this album up.  It's very good.  Especially track 12.  So fucking good. 

120.

Wow.  This is about my 120th blog in a row.  Every morning.  For about 4 months straight.

What started as therapy for me to release a bunch of shit from my head turned into something I look forward to.  Not just for the writing, but coming down to my studio with a cup of coffee.  It's mostly the coffee.  And I get to light a candle.  It's more the experience now then it is the writing.

Yesterday I went berserk cleaning in here.  I moved all my guitars to a different wall so they are all cozy up here in the corner hanging on my right.  I hung two of my bikes on the wall where the guitars used to hang.  And nestled my mountain bike next to the piano.  We finally have room for the couch that we've been talking about getting to actually use this as a quiet place to come down to and close your eyes a bit.

Even though that couch will come from the clearance section at value city, it may have to wait.  Transmission in one of the cars went out.  Did I write about that yet?  Yeah.  Our 2007 Santa Fe, the whole transmission just went kaput.  So that's gonna be a little bit of a financial set back.

That's it for today.  Nothing deep, nothing controversial, nothing inspirational.

I have really enjoyed finding memes to post in my blogs.  that's probably one of my favorite parts.  There are so many to choose from.  That will be my big thing today.  I'll go find a funny, inspirational meme to share.  Have a nice day everyone.

OH!!!  while I was looking at memes I saw one about being an entrepreneur.  So I had to make the remark on that.  Here is the definition of entrepreneur - a person who organizes and operates a business or businesses, taking on greater than normal financial risks in order to do so.  So, if you start an MLM please don't call yourself an entrepreneur.  Could you make an argument, sure.  But the real entrepreneur is the one that created the entire MLM.  You are just a distributor.  And you can earn money being one.  You didn't create anything.  You didn't create a business plan.  You didn't hire anyone.  At least at first.  You are a small business owner.  Which is great!  But don't call yourself an entrepreneur.

Let's Talk about Freedom

It's the 4th of July weekend.  Lets's talk about Freedom. I'll be the first to admit I'm fairly ignorant on US history, let alone world history.  Lot's of wars were fought over land and freedom.  It's probably the number one thing people fight for.  Freedom. From what?

Death? 

No, we all die in the end.  That can't be it.  But there is that amount of time between birth and death that we'd live to customize to our preference.  That's freedom.  

Last night...and the previous 2 nights some people in the cul-de-sac at the end of the street have been setting off fireworks.  No little snakes and sparklers or fizzling whisker ticklers.  These were some big ones.  By the third night, it was getting old.  From 8-10pm these were going off.  I know it's a holiday weekend, but my freedom to sleep in peace with my window open was infringed by their freedom to set off fireworks.  hmmmmm, their freedoms infringe on mine when mine bothers no one.  This is why laws were created.  To protect freedom.  And in doing so, freedom is being taken away.  The more freedom we have the less we have.  So I finally called the police.  Yes.  I am that guy.  I don't feel like going down and dealing with the type of people that don't have the common sense and decency of keeping their private but not private display to half hour or less and at a reasonable hour.  However, the state police didn't drive through until they were all over, about half hour after I called. 

You might think I'm a jerk for doing that.  Cool.  Maybe I am.  

But me being a jerk comes at a cost.  They could be actual mortars.  It could be gunfire.  It could be the sound of far off explosions.  I could live in a country where war and unrest is the norm.  So I should be happy that it's only fireworks for one weekend a year as an annoyance.  But good people fought and died for my right to sleep with my window open without being annoyed by fireworks put on illegally.  In fact, by setting off illegal fireworks, you are disrespecting and abusing your freedom.  

Look, I get it.  One night of fireworks....fine.  But three nights in a row of illegal fireworks being set off illegally at random times throughout the evening is ridiculous. 

But on a more serious and relevant note, what do you need freedom from?  Bills? Debt? An unhealthy lifestyle or relationship?  Addiction?  We have the freedom in America to get free from those things.  It may not always be easy.  And you might have to fight for it.  You may be incredibly beat up by those things.  But what are you willing to do for freedom?  Some situations are harder to get out of than others.  Maybe someone else is holding you captive.  Don't give up.  I don't have the answers.  I only have the words of  Bob Marley, "Better to die fighting, than to be a prisoner all the days of your life."

Little bonus material.  What are you doing with your freedom?  Can you enjoy when your fellow man is oppressed?  I'm not talking about Americans.  I'm talking about people around the world who live in a constant state of oppression, violence and fear.  Every day wondering if they will survive or not.  Enjoy your beer and hot dogs today.

Criticizing for your Strength and Weakness

Over the past few weeks of self discovery I've done just that.  There have been several studies linked to clean eating and your brain health.  As well as helping treat depression and anxiety.  I can attest to all of those.

I feel like I'm under an eye of criticism all the time.  It doesn't matter what I do or who it is. I feel like everyone is trying to find the mistake.  I don't know that I can pin this to anything in particular, but it's been around as long as I can remember.  You know that feeling when you pass a cop?  Yeah.  It's that feeling a lot.  Cop or no cop.



It happens a lot at the end of a paint job.  That's what I do for a living.  I paint peoples houses.  I must be good at it, I've been busy for almost 15 years now.  But I see every square inch of what I paint.  And I know every little detail.  I know every spot that I could have done a little better.  Granted, that spot is still good.  But people aren't paying for perfection, they are paying for a quality paint job that looks great.  And that's what they get!  But I still get anxious about those areas that could be better.  On the flip, if I'd take the time to fix all of it, it would increase the cost and I'd be there a long time.  They don't want that.

It happens when I pass a cop.  It happens on Facebook.  Although I think Facebook is real.  People read everything with a critical eye hoping to catch you and call you out on your hypocrisy!  Or do they?  Probably not.  Maybe that's just me.  Facebook and written word is not the place for controversial topic discussions with people you don't know.  That's been determined.  I've been trying to not get to deep in a discussion.  One of the things I'm learning to do, instead of battling back with your opinion.  Just ask questions about the others.  This is still a learning process on how to have healthy facebook dialogue for me.

A few days ago it hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized this was actually a thing.  I picked up a friend to go mountain biking and we were talking about the NBA finals.  He said he was unhappy with the 4th quarter of game 7.  I immediately rushed to the defense of the Cavaliers saying something like it was poor officiating and everyone was playing a physical game.  Something to diffuse whatever he was going to say about how the game was slanted towards the Cavs.  Why did I do this?  All he said was that he was unhappy with the 4th quarter.  And as it turns out it was with the way the stars were shooting.  All of them.  Curry missed everything, Thompson, James, Green...so many missed simple shots.  The warriors didn't score any points in the final 4 and half minutes.

Why did I assume he was going to attack something I cared about?  Why did I feel the need to go on the defense?  Why can't I just let the thing defend it's own thing?   Why is it so hard for me to be confident in me?  And the things I do?  I know how to do a lot of things.  And I feel pretty good about them.  But I'm afraid to actually do those things with someone who knows what they are doing because I might find out I've been doing it wrong or the hard way.

It makes me feel like an imposter.  Like I can do a lot, but I don't really know how to do what I'm doing.  I just know how to blend in and get by.  But don't look to close.  I know how to get my bike down the mountain, just don't ask me to bunny hop onto a picnic table.

Anyway...enough about me.  Writing is one of those things I do that I know my punctuation isn't right and half my words might be spelled wrong.  But you know what?