Big or small...it matters not.

Picking up from where I left off yesterday.  That whole going to food when you are depressed and want a dopamine hit.

Even if you follow a healthy diet and your go to food isn't really at odds with your body, it's still not helpful when it comes to mental disorders.  What do I mean?  Having six pack abs or a keg for your belly is irrelevant.   Depression doesn't see a figure.

I battle the same way as anyone else.  When I eat because I'm depressed I know I don't really need the food.  Even if the food isn't really hurting me in the same way, it's still fucking with my mind.

I look back on a time when my body and mind felt like it was on the same page.  It was during a 5 day fast.  No calories the first three days and 300 or less liquid fat calories the next 2.  I've never felt better.   Fasting done with supervision can be healthy.  However, I still could't escape the release of dopamine.  The accomplishment of fasting and denying food released dopamine.  So even when I fast, in a healthy way, I get dopamine.  I know that many times dopamine isn't a bad thing.

Maybe it's that addictive personality thing that people say I should worry about....

Can't a guy catch a break.

I'm just trying to find some balance.  I love fasting.  I love food.   I won't quit.  And I'll never stop trying to be the best I can be.  Even if some days I just don't have the mental energy.

I will add....that when things happen in my life.  Whether it's emotional or situational, I try to find a reason for it.  Some sort of an explanation for what happened or how I feel.  It gives me some sort of closure or understanding.  Sometimes, whatever the reason I come up with may not even be real.  But it makes sense in my head.  

So when I share stuff.....they are only ideas.  I don't know if that's the actual explanation or not.