I don't

I don't want to write anymore. At least not here.  Not like this.

Enjoy some gracefulness this morning.

You decide.  Who won the most graceful award?

Cat jumps over baby gate? 

Or

The gracefulness of this toad?  

Is it of value?

I was listening to Sam Harris's podcast yesterday.  I randomly discovered it while taking  shit yesterday morning.  I deleted Facebook off my phone so I needed something to do.  I felt prompted to commit internet suicide but decided maybe just scaling back would be better.  Anyway...the one podcast I listened to was mind blowing.

But before he got started he shared his stance on running ads to support his podcast and he said he doesn't do that anymore.  Even if likes audible, he doesn't want you to go get audible just because he likes it.  He want's you to get audible because you find value in it.   So he doesn't promote and accept money for it.

He's got over a million listeners to his podcast, yet only 1% contribute to it.  It costs money to do a podcast.  The education/information you can learn is priceless.  PODCASTS ARE FREE.  For now.  You get access to so many people through podcasts that you would have to pay hundreds to hear from otherwise.  There are a number of podcasts that I listen to regularly and I support many of them with small amounts.  I get value from them.  I listen to them weekly.  If the majority of his listeners donated 50 cents a month, they could do some amazing things with that money.  A small broadcast company could be started.

But no.  People don't.  They assume there are so many other people, someone will donate.  But that doesn't happen.  NOBODY donates.  Everybody wants it for free.

But what I don't get...most people spend between a dollar and several dollars on a beverage they don't need and provides no real value to your life....EVERY DAY.  But you can't donate a days beverage cost to a something else you get infinite value from?   Makes no sense to me whatsoever.

That all being said.   I get an average of 100 readers everyday.  That's no where near the amount of listeners Sam Harris has.

I didn't really start writing everyday to get a massive following.  I just thought writing would be good for me and others may find value in reading my thoughts.  Apparently around 100 people do.

So if you find value in reading this, or you just enjoy the shit show that goes on here, feel free to kick a few bucks my way every month.  And when I stop writing, or you stop reading, feel free to cancel.

Honestly though.  I don't want your money.  You can keep it.

But if you find value in something...don't just be a taker.  Add value to the thing you value.

But just in case. https://www.patreon.com/JonathanGeiman

WTF is this?

The Truman Show?  Sometimes that's how it seems.  Not only am I Truman Burbank, I'm also Christof.  Don't know what I'm talking about...watch the movie.  It's only one of the greatest movies to ever be made.

Enjoy this little exert I wrote yesterday...AFTER I exercised. Imagine how I was feeling before it.

Consider this your warning.  This is raw and unfiltered.  It's just my honest emotions of how I'm feeling.

God is dead.  Gone.  I would love to believe. But God is dead.  All religions are stories made up to help people make sense of the world and their existence.  And it sucks when this becomes just as much of a truth to you as faith in the Christian god once did.  For real.  It would be so awesome to put all my pain and all my struggles on God.  But I can't.  I believed once.  Then it all vanished.  Then I asked God to show up and help reveal himself to me.  All the signs I got kept pushing me to where I’m at now.  I’m still waiting.  And it's fucking bullshit.  Because at this point, if God did show up, I'd probably tell him to fuck off.  No loving God would let a person go through this much emotional and mental turmoil.  God is dead.  Gone.

I’m so sick and tired of the mental gymnastics.  I start thinking about how bad I could make things for myself.  I’m still alive aren’t I?  Is God keeping me from committing suicide?  Fuck no.  God isn’t doing shit.

I figured maybe God would show up if I piss him off enough.  Since he didn’t show up when I needed him the most.

Oh…and I’m sure all these self righteous people are thinking they can see God working in my life.  They can see all this shit as some divine master plan.  They want to just say, don’t you see God guiding you.  He’ll never give you more than you can handle, proof is because you’re still here and you’re still fighting for something better.  If this is God’s master plan….he’s a shitty plan maker.  Not just for me, but for so many people.

God is dead.  God doesn’t exist.  It’s cool to still live like Jesus.  I think that’s probably the best thing that came out of the Bible.  

There.  Welcome to some of the real things in my head.  Maybe tomorrow will be a little lighter.  I'll talk about sugar again.

Thanks Facebook. And a smorgasbord. Plus a rant.

One of my favorite things to do everyday is to open up the  "on this day" section of Facebook.  I'll often see some of the amazing things I had written, but more importantly, I see photos and videos of my kids when they were younger.    Facebook doesn't have to keep all that stuff, but they do.  And one day it might be gone.  So thanks for that.

Oh.  And if you voted for Trump, is that what you had in mind?  How are things shaking out?  Is he the president you hoped for?  A whiny, cry baby, excuse making lying sack of shit?  Is that who you voted for?  No, I don't think you did.  I think if you knew who he really was, you'd have passed right over him.  I know he doesn't represent you.  Not anymore.  And you don't even have to apologize, you are forgiven.

Rant coming.  You have been warned.

Do you have any idea the effect sugar has on your brain?  It's horrible for you.  Especially sugar in excess.  In fact, it has no real value.  Any benefits it may have far outweigh the negatives.   It interacts with your brain like a drug.  It effects behavior.  What really gets me pissed off, is the amount of it given to kids at pre-school and other childrens events.  Between snacks of highly processed junk food and a ridiculous amount of candy at holidays and birthday parties, it should be illegal.  You might not agree with me, which is fine.  But why force that shit on all the kids?  We don't give them alcohol.  We don't give them tobacco.  We don't let them experiment with drugs.  So why is a substance given to them that interacts in your brain the same way cocaine does?  OH, that's right...you are addicted to it too.   Sugar effects short term behavior as well.  Here is an article to get you started.   So while I'm not saying cut all sugar out of your childs diet, and I'm certainly not judging you, you can't argue with science.

I used to be addicted to sugar.  I'd eat sugar all the time.  I'd have a pocketful of jelly bellies with me at all times.  I'd get sugar from every gas station I stopped at.  It wasn't easy to quit.  I fed my kids that stuff.

Granted, they still get some now from fruits and veggies.  I even eat berries.  They are a great low sugar fruit.  And if you eat a banana because it's healthy, broccoli is actually much better for you and has more of the same quality vitamins and minerals than a banana without the fructose.  Oh...fructose isn't the same as glucose.  So you don't even get that much immediate energy from a banana.

Look...I get it.  Sugar makes you feel good in this world where everyone seems to need something to make you feel good.  I'll throw down a challenge to you.  If you don't think you have a sugar problem, keep it under 30g a day.  That's the daily allowance for sugar intake.  That's ONLY 7 TEASPOONS.  Oh....and your kids only get 19g for 4-6 year olds and 24g for 7-10.

Maybe this is why people hate me.  Sorry for trying to help the health of  you and your children.  And please....don't feed my kids sugar.  I won't judge you for giving it to yours, you don't judge me for restricting my childs sugar intake.

End rant.  I could go on.  But whatever.  I know what it's like trying to convince an alcoholic they have a problem.  You can't.  They just get pissed.

Guys Night Out

Since having children, guys nights have kinda of become a thing of the past.  I think it's mutual, most fathers understand that free time is precious and unless it's something big we'll probably just rather sleep.

I miss guys nights, to be honest.  I miss my friends.  I'm also not great at planning.  Because quite honestly...I like sleep.  When your kids are infants, between 0-2, it's a lot of responsibility.  A lot of attention.  Then when they get to 3-8 they are really fun.  They want to play with you.  And even though you gotta scale it back, you finally feel like you are bonding with them.  Then I guess something happens when they turn 9 when they'd rather hang out with their friends.  So maybe in about 10 years or so, guys nights will return.

But last night it was a different kind of guys night.  I took my 5 year old out.  He was super excited.  We started with the rookie go karts at the Carlisle Sports Emporium.  He was so excited.  He's really good at driving his Power Wheels dune buggy and was really good at the power wheels races at the auto show a few months ago.  But this was a slick track.  And even though the cars were slower, they were still hard to control.  And even though kids are a certain height....well....it wasn't a good night.  He did good his first few times around, even doing some drifts right.  Imagine Cars, "turn right to go left" type stuff.  But then he spun out.  And another girl who was to young to know what a brake was hit him.  He kept going and spun out again.   This time he started going the wrong direction.  He didn't know, he got confused.  The dickwads (who were barely 17, if that) working were to busy talking with each other none of them noticed.  Not till daddy got all worked up and turned into the hulk and screamed as he was running out on the track.  However, whoever the worker in the blue shirt and boots was, he did great. He was trying to keep track of the....track.   He helped Josiah pull his car over.  I did find the manager (who was also barely 18 maybe) and calmly, yet expressing importance of the message, explain that when they have young children who are tall enough to drive but not old enough to tie their shoes on the track, the employees need to be on high alert.  They need to be at each corner of the track (there is only 2 of them) with caution flags in case one of the kids spins out.  NOT standing in the middle talking to their friend who came out on his break.   They should be fired. I'm considering following up.

Anyway, Josiah was sad.  He was scared.  He didn't know what was going on.  All I could do was hold him and my heart broke a little bit.  He's a good driver.  Even at 5.  He thought he ruined guys night.  Not even close buddy.

I almost did when we went to Holmes Bicycle store and tried to convince him he needed to get a real pedal bike.  Not just the balance bikes.  But he loves his balance bikes.  And bike bells apparently.  He also told me I should get a new bike if I wanted one.  I don't think that reason for a new bike purchase would have went over well.... Does anyone have any tips for getting your kids to get on a bike?  He's afraid he'll fall over.  I couldn't lie to him and tell him he wouldn't fall over.  I did tell him that I have never sustained any injuries when I rode my bike safely.  I didn't mention all the injuries when I wasn't being as safe.  He probably wouldn't have liked to hear about stitches, concussions and the very recent incident with the cross bar.

But bowling was awesome.  Even when I fell down.  Repeatedly.  The approach to the lane wasn't slip enough and my bowling shoes stuck with more force than the grip on Kyrie Irvings shoes.  Josiah loved bowling.  And he loved his dinner at North Hanover Grill.  He also loves his new haircut he got from the GQ Barbershop in Carlisle.  Even though he complained it took to long.  Dean did do a thorough job.  But it looks fantastic.

To close out the night, we finished our game of monopoly.  And yes.  He beat me.  We have a version that we play on xbox.  I did help him a little bit.  It was hard doing that.  Knowing that I knew what he was doing was going to take away my opportunity.

Which brings us back to being a parent.  Sacrifice.  Not always doing the things we want to do to ensure that our kids learn and understand life right.  Even at our expense.  I knew there was a  good chance that I'd be landing on Atlantic Avenue when I had him build the hotel.  And it was Atlantic Avenue that bankrupted me.  Despite owning all the Blue and Green properties.

Hard to break a habit

It's hard to break a habit.  But this is all I'm going to write this morning.

Not my job

So many things I could write about today.  But after about 385 days of writing I really gotta figure out an angle.  Maybe a project.  Something.

But...It's not my job to make myself believe.

I'll just let that there.  Take it for it's worth.  I can't even pretend if I tried. I might elaborate later.  Might not.

I think I'd really like to go get certified in nutritional therapy and be a Primal Health Coach.

I'd probably have to refine my current advice...."stop eating shit".

I'm humble in my modesty

I don't know why I continue to feel like I have to write everyday.  But I do.  So I write.  I was reading through a discussion on Facebook about modesty.  I don't think clothing was mentioned once.  It wasn't the topic on the forefront.  It was more about people saying they aren't that good at something even though their skills far outmatch another in the field.  One was arguing that this is being pridefully dishonest.

While they may be right in their assessment, I don't think it's fair to judge someone who you think is modest.  Maybe they are a bit prideful.  But maybe they really don't think they are any better than the next guy.  Maybe something in their mind is keeping them from seeing how great they really are.  Maybe they have a hard time believing that they are actually good at something.

Never stop discovering yourself and how you think.  Never be afraid to recognize your flaws and when you are wrong.  It's ok.  Be afraid of never changing.  This is sometimes hard for me.  When you don't have a real solid foundation, things are a little shaky.  When you believe something and that belief gets rocked, it's like an earthquake.   But then when everything settles you get used to the new normal.  You start thinking this must be the right way to believe.  And then another earthquake happens.  I would hope that one day I get used to these metaphorical earthquakes.  

Back to this modesty thing.  I've been painting for nearly 15 years or more.  I've been told I'm good at it.  But in my mind, I'm still not that good.  I just know what I'm doing.  I guess you could say I'm modest.  I know there are painters better than me.  I also know I'm better than the average joe.  Maybe it's because no one ever taught me how to be the best at anything.  

It wasn't until last year that I realized that I had a talent that was fiscally worth something.  I was just finishing up a short 3 day job and I handed the bill to the customer.  She overpaid me by $300.  And we're talking a short 3 day job.  She told me that what she paid me represents the market value for the service that I provided.  I wasn't going to argue.  And since then it's gotten easier to charge that amount.  I want to be fair, right?  But it's still not easy.  Because I don't consider myself to be anything special.  I'm just a guy that knows how to paint.  But I do know I'm fast.  I don't mess around.  I don't take breaks.  And I'm honest.  You can trust me in your house.  I also offer a plethora of thoughts and information if you choose to pick my brain.  

I don't think I'm a good writer.  But I am good at writing everyday.  

I don't think I'm a good runner.  But I am good at running everyday.  

Maybe I just do things I know I'm good at.  Maybe I'm afraid to take a chance at something I might fail at.  I don't know if I know how to fail.  Or maybe I don't even know what failure is.  

That's all for now.  These are conversations and thoughts that could go on forever.  

I really got it this time.

Actually, no I don't.  I really have nothing this morning.  But I couldn't let a day go by without sitting down in front of the computer and try to come up with something.

I tried to watch Westworld last night.  So many people said it was so good.  I fell asleep during the first episode.  And it's not like it was late.  It was 9:15pm.  So it's highly unlikely I will continue watching that show.

I'm still trying to figure out life.  I still haven't figured out what I want to be when I grow up.  Maybe instead of pushing our kids to figure out what they want to be, we should help them figure out WHO they want to be first.  I don't know.  I just made that up to sound clever.  But I don't think it really is.  Someone make a meme out of that so I can deconstruct it.

I know who I am.  I know what lies in my head and my heart.  What's hard is getting others to see who I really am.  It often seems like the image of me that I project is not always communicated correctly.

I have the best of intentions.  I want things to be easy for everyone.  I want fairness.  I want people to be honest with their feelings and not be concerned how they'll be received.  It's not good to harbor things.

It's ok to say no.  It's ok to take time for yourself.  Even if you think other people depend on you and if you say no, it will make it harder for them, it's still ok to say no.

I used to say yes to everything.  Then I'd get overwhelmed.  I'd grow a little resentful towards the people I said yes to.  And I'd take certain liberties because I said yes.  Like something was owed to me for helping.  Then whoever I was helping would start to pick up on that.  And they'd rather have me said no, if I was going to be like that.

So if you are tired.  If you need a break.  If you find yourself cutting corners and taking the easy road when you are helping someone else.  Know that it's ok to say no.  Whoever it is that you think needs your help will figure something out.

Training Wheels in the Bedroom. Do it like our Ancestors did.

It's springtime and many kids will hop on their bikes again.  But please, don't let your kids ride with training wheels.  Put them on a strider or balance bike.  They'll be fine, I can assure you.  Why not training wheels?  They aren't safe.  I've seen more kids fall over on training wheels than a balance bike.  And you don't want your kid getting used to leaning over and not falling.  That's a tough habit to break.  

I've not done much research into marijuana.  But me thinks
it's not as bad as some make it out to be.  I posted this
for what it says about man made poison being legal.  It is. 

This just gets me thinking.  What other things do we have that "make" things easier for us so we can learn them better or just to make things unnatural.  Take beds for example.  We weren't born with a bed.  We slept on the ground.  I know what you are thinking.  You could never sleep on the ground.  Yes you could.  If the ground was the only thing you slept on.  We weren't created to sleep on a sleep number.  

We weren't born with shoes on.  Our bodies are designed to function without shoes.  Your arch support in your shoe is doing you more harm than good.  It's keeping your foot weak.  It was invented to "help" but it's only hurting you in the long run.

I'm thoroughly convinced that most of our luxuries are designed to keep us from operating at our full potential but marketed to us like we need them to maintain our health and well being.

Did God create you to eat twinkies, bread, sugar and drink soda?  No.  Not even close.  What on the earth was there for us to eat?  Plants and Animals.  That's all.  And much of it is seasonal.  What did humans do before refrigerators?  We couldn't just eat whenever.  Now, you can eat all day every day if you wanted.  We weren't designed this way.  Our bodies weren't built this way.  If you live in an area where it's cold 4-6 months out of the year, you would not be eating fruit at that time.  But thanks (maybe) to advancements in delivery and storage, you can.  That doesn't mean you should.  But because of this, we've been able to move wherever we want to on the globe and still have access to food.  Is that ok?

Not exactly.  But even if he did.  It probably wasn't
from autoimmune diseases.

The more I learn about primal living the more it makes sense.  The more I realize that many health problems are created by our own damn selves.   Nutrition is important.  You can't and you shouldn't assume that just because sometime is marketed as food, is actual food.  It may or may not be edible, but jelly beans, snickers bars, anything with sugar, and so many other things, are not food.

I often wonder, are all these advancements good for us?  In some ways yes.  In other ways no.  We are still exploring.  We are still expanding.  We will never stop learning.  But we can't throw the baby out with the bathwater.  You can't forget the basics.  Just because something is new doesn't mean it will work.  The USA is a baby compared to humanity.  The advancements in EVERYTHING over the last 75-100, let alone the last 25 years have not been put to the test over the long term.  We're guinea pigs.

Are you Really Blessed?

(Post script.  This is another one that I don't feel good about.  It was just a exploration of thoughts.  Challenging my writing)

A good friend of mine posted this photo yesterday.  The heart is great.  Both the message in the photo and the one in my friend.  But honestly, these clever phrases don't move me to much anymore.  I still dig into them though, to see what they might also be saying.  Because I know my friend is trying to communicate that he's grateful for his life and never wants to take everything that he's been blessed with for granted.  He wants to be a good steward of it.  But why don't I get that from these memes?

First, let me say that in now way do I think that my friend that posted this believes the way I'll spin this.  And it's not a judgement on their character in any way whatsoever.  Just something to think about.

Let me start with the part that says, (talking to God) "You have blessed me more than 98% of the people on Earth."  Really? Did God do that?  And if God blessed you so much.  What about the other 98%.  What about the ones in the bottom 10?  The ones living in poverty?  The ones without a roof over their head?  Why would God bless you more than them?   This is why I don't believe any of us are "blessed".  We are a product or circumstance.  You are where you are because that's where you are.  I was born in affluent America.  I don't believe God had any special plan for the logistics of where I was birthed geographically.  But I was born into the 2%.  Let me never take that for granted.  And yes...I think my friend is definitely not taking it for granted.  I just wanted to write about the words.

But lets go back to the top.  "Thanks for my bagel and my hot chocolate....and all the other choices I could have had."  I'm just wondering why you chose the bagel and hot chocolate.  Above ALL the other options you have for quality nutrition that would be good for your body and mind you went with high sugar.  That meal choice might give you a couple hours.  If that.  In our privileged state of being blessed with so many choice for our nutrition, are we making the right ones?  Or are we not even thinking about it.  Are we only picking foods that trick our brains by making us feel good or comforted, but are wreaking havoc on our bodies?  Or are we choosing wisely and eating foods that  will provide us sustenance and long term health?  Real foods.

I'm not saying that you have to be perfect.  But being grateful for being born into a place of privilege and "blessings" doesn't mean you can go into a grocery store and buy whatever you want.  How are you being responsible with your choices in how you care for yourself as well as caring for the other 98% of the world?

Or You Could Actually Do Something

After learning why orphanages full of infants is so quiet, you'll want to hold your own just a little tighter tonight.

I read that blog title.  It didn't take me long to figure out why the quiet.  In all the times I visited orphanages in Haiti, I've hardly ever heard a child cry.  It's quite simple to figure out.  The whole purpose of crying, for any age, is to be heard.  To get some sort of attention.  Well, it doesn't take long for a child in an orphanage to learn that crying doesn't work.  

Nobody is coming. 

I guess the author of this particular blog heard that from a missionary at a christian concert.  Granted, I didn't read the whole blog, maybe the got to the point where they said that instead of just holding your own kids tighter that you can actually do something for those kids in orphanages.   

There are lots of great organizations that do show up to help.  You can sponsor a child.  And while you may not be able to actually go, you can provide for their basic needs.  You can send them gifts.  They'll know someone, somewhere is looking after them.  They'll know someone cares.  

If you want to know how to sponsor a child, let me know.  I can put you in touch with someone who I know personally and works with orphanages in Haiti.  It can cost anywhere from $30-$150 a month depending on the level of care you provide.  

It's worth it.  It's not fair to yourself or to anyone else to expect a few select people to change the world.  If we all work together and each contribute a small amount, great things can be done.  

The Prodigal....Village?

Let's talk Prodigal Son for a minute.

No promise on the minute part though.  Speaking of promises, the book of Proverbs, is not a book of promises.  So please don't quote them to me like they are some kind of guarantee.

Back to the Prodigal Son.  Remember that story?  A father has two sons, one leaves home with his inheritance and squanders it all on booze, hookers and gambling.  The other stays home with his dad and works really hard on the property.  They spend a lot of quality time together.

Then one day the son who took his inheritance early came home, head hung low.  His dad saw him in the distance and ran to him, looked him in the eyes and said to his son, "I love you.  I have always loved you.  At your best and your worse, near or far, I've loved you and never stopped.  Welcome home."

One of their finest livestock was killed and cooked and a feast followed.  It was a party.  But not enough to make the son who returned feel awkward....just loved and welcomed.

But what about the son who never left?  He was kinda pissed.  His bro made a choice to leave.  To take all his money and leave the family.  He was jealous of how his brother, who contributed nothing to the family over the past several years was getting this huge party and all kinds of money and assets were being spent on him.  Most people skim right over this guy.  Writing him off as a selfish prick who's not happy to see his brother come home.

This story is just as much, if not more about the selfish prick as it is the son who returned.  When the selfish son talked to his dad about his feelings, his dad reminded him that all the land, all his wealth, everything he had has ALWAYS been available to him.  He's been in the good life this whole time.  But he's been spending his time working hard to earn favor.  Favor that's been there whether he worked hard or not. The prodigal son tells us that.  Just being there is enough.

Is that photo the way most Christians today feel? When someone comes along and wants to be a part of the faith they are told, "GREAT!  Here's what you have to do......"   I think this story is telling us that method is wrong.  You didn't earn anything.

You know what else this parable reminds me of?  The Village.  Yeah.  The M. Night Shyamalan movie.  The elders in this older 1700's community told stories of the creatures in the woods.  And that you mustn't go past a certain point or else.  Well, someone did.  And she discovered that is was 2004. She saw cars.  And found medicine.  She found that is was all a setup to keep things the way they were.  Really crazy movie.  You should watch it.

But all I can think of is how this parable was written by really smart people to keep believers who were born into the faith from walking away from their faith.  It tells a story of someone who's experienced the world, yet still comes back.  They paint the world as a scary place and home is better.  Just stay at home.  Home is awesome.  You don't have to do anything to earn favor at home.  Just be here.  It's all yours.  And you just blindly stay in your beliefs without ever making them your own.  They are.... inherited.   And the more I read the bible...the more I see a story about a religion than actual events that happened.

Shame Culture. Personal Responsibility.

If the things I read and see on Facebook are true.  The things from various sources.  Many from major news networks and other similar pages.  I don't even know where to begin.  It's still to surreal.  I don't understand.  What the hell is the Trump Administration doing?  I don't even want to capitalize that shit.  I'm not even going to go into all the ridiculousness.  But I sit here in awe of what is taking place in D.C.  And not awe in a good way.

In a private Facebook group we've been having some conversations as of late about the responsibility of a women to dress modestly to avoid men looking at them lustfully.  Many of the people in that group come from some conservative christian backgrounds and there is some adjustment of thinking that needs to happen.   Let me just start by saying,  I've never ever in my entire life heard a man say, I better not wear this because it might cause the ladies to stumble.  Never.  But why do many christian men get so concerned about what women wear?  Men, it's not the woman's fault you can't control your thoughts.  Take them captive (not the women, your thoughts).  Because in reality, it doesn't matter what a woman wears, or a man, you have an incredible imagination.  How a person decides to dress is their decision, not yours.

Men dress to impress all the time.  Almost every day.  But no one says a word about how that effects women's thought life.

I'm going to stop right there for today.  This is a long conversation.  And I think it would be provocative.  I mean productive.   But not this morning.

Never mind.  Lets roll with this verse.  It's often been used to tell women to dress modest so you don't draw attention to yourself.  But really, you know what I think?  It's because they were drawing attention to themselves.  It's because that most likely women thought they had to dress or look a certain way to be seen, noticed or to feel beautiful.  And the writer of 1 Timothy is saying that it's not in your appearance that you get your worth.  It's you character that defines your heart.  How do you treat others?   This isn't a bible verse shaming women who dress elaborately.  If you want to dress nice, great.  Just don't think that it's your appearance that will give you value.


And lets move along with this one too.  This is how many women are treated.  It's their fault that they are in the situation they are in.  While in some cases that maybe true, not only for women but men too, so many times we blame the victim.  If you didn't wear that, if you wouldn't have went there, or if you wouldn't have drank that much.  This mentality needs to stop.   If I walk around and my wallet falls out or is half in/half out of my pocket, it gives no one the right to either keep it or take it.  It's my wallet.

Lean in.

It was pretty cool looking on my "on this day" section of Facebook and seeing the first of over 365 blogs posted over the last year.

Apparently last night, one year ago I had a dream about rooms in a house.  We had just moved into a townhouse, but it was unlike other townhomes.  The rooms were attached to our neighbors.  At first look the rooms were empty.  But the closer you got to the room the more you saw.  Furniture, boxes, decorations, trash, pets, and even dirty dishes and clothes all over the floor.  The closer you got the more and more you saw.

It was a pretty awesome dream the more you think about it.  You can learn so much from it.  Especially if you relate that to people.  So many people look all put together, blank slates.  They are whatever we make them out to be.  Many of us form an opinion of people based on so little information they give us.  But the closer we get, and the closer they allow us to get we begin to see the whole person.  Their good qualities, their bad qualities, and even all the dirt in their life.  But because we know the entirety of their self, some of the junk doesn't bother us.

Couple weeks ago I was playing basketball and I had to guard someone bigger than I was.  I immediately felt outmatched.  I felt like the lesser of the basketball players. I go into almost every game like that.  But something clicked, he might be thinking the same thing.  Or maybe not.  But I put myself in his place for a minute.  Maybe he thought I was better.  Perhaps I should prove him right.  So I played like I was better.

Truth is, I play hard.  But I don't often play to win.  I would rather play hard and if winning comes from that, cool.  If not, no big deal.  I know I played hard.

I never played many organized sports growing up.  No one really steered me in that direction.  In fact, I didn't have much guidance at all.  I had to guess a lot.   I'm pretty sure I made some good decisions. But who knows where I'd be in life if I had someone in my corner helping me out.

There is a bible verse that many, almost everyone gets wrong.  

Proverbs 13:24,  Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.

So many people just assume this is verse in favor of punishment.  But no.  The rod was used as a guiding tool for shepherds.  Think staff.  To keep their flock headed in the right direction.  Discipline comes from the latin word for pupil.  A student.  To teach.  So lets try that verse again.

Whoever doesn't guide their children through life hates them, but the one who loves their children is careful to teach them.

Do you know what careful means?   It means to treat in a greater regard to something normal.  I have to be careful with an open flame.

This is it. One year. In the books. Or the blogs.

I get to decide tomorrow if I want to continue this daily blog.

But you know what?  I still can't say how I really feel.  I can't escape it.  I'm still left to suppress certain feelings.  Maybe it's because I care to much.

Well, I could escape it.  And believe me.  I'd be lying if I said it wasn't on the radar.  I'll continue to fight.  Because I'm a fucking warrior.  I will take no shit.

But whatever.

I really thought today would be more happy.

Perceived Intent vs. Actual Intent

I'll be honest.  This one is really hard to write out.  There are lots of variables and it's not always a one size fits all.  I'll start with this.  The bible.  Because I think it's got some wisdom.  Matthew 7 talks alot about judgement.  Specifically judging others.  Jesus speaks against judging someones motive for doing something.  Think about it this way.  What's your primary motive for being a Christian?  Heaven insurance?  Or is it because you genuinely care about all of God's people.  For some, sadly, it's merely heaven insurance.  And Jesus says that your motive is all wrong.

Now, I could be way off base on that.  But to summarize, you can't really ever know what a person's true motivation is until you start seeing the fruit that is produced.

My wife and I end up having a lot of (let's call them heated) conversations about perceived intent and actual intent.  This most often comes up when I say something and it hurts her.  Usually I'm caught off guard about her being hurt.  In my mind, nothing I said should have been hurtful.  I had no intent to hurt.  But regardless, something I said hurt her in some way.

Now, I know that it doesn't matter what my intent was.  She was hurt by something I said and even though I was innocent, I still want to know how what I said hurt her so I don't do it again.

On the flip side of things.  When two people are in this situation and they know each other well.  If someone is hurt by something, I think it also might be wise for them to take a step back and think about the person that said it.  Do they routinely try to hurt people with their words?  Are they mean spirited?  Are they themselves hurting?  If they aren't a hurtful person, maybe they've got some hurts that are coming through.  And before you accuse them of hurting you, maybe wait and see where they go with what they are saying.   I know...it's hard to talk this out without being specific.

But don't ignore your own hurts.  Come back to it.  Once the situation is more neutral.  Say something like "what you said earlier, that kinda hurt a little bit.  I don't think you meant it, but I can't ignore the feelings it triggered in me".

Most often times hurting people hurt people and they don't even realize it.  They don't even realize how their words might hurt.

Sometimes my daughter (who is 3) hurts me with her words and actions.  If she has the choice between going to the store with mommy or going to the store with me, she'll choose mommy every time.  In fact, it doesn't matter what it is she'll choose mommy.  But when mommy isn't home, daddy is the coolest cat around, so I know she loves me.  And she just won't choose mommy, she'll run away and hide behind mommy crying because she doesn't want to go with daddy.  Sometimes that hurts.  Sometimes what she says and does hurts me.  I love her so much and she treats me like shit sometimes.  But my daughter is 3.  She's not doing it because she wants to hurt me.  I can choose to be hurt, or I can analyze the relationship I have with my daughter and now that her reactions have nothing to do with me.

Does any of that make sense?

3 Days....

Yes.  Jesus died and rose again in 3 days.  I don't know if I buy into any of that anymore.  It's a great story and all.  It's a really cool metaphor.  But I just don't know.  I'm ok with it not being real.  I think the mysticism and story telling is still pretty incredible.  How many of us were so moved by a movie that it incited lasting change after watching it?  A few maybe.   But we know those are made up.

Anyway.  This isn't about Easter.

It will be 3 days until I've been doing this for a year.  Only not posting the week I was in Haiti last month.  But I do think I'll finish as a different person.  Actually I know I will.  I wish I could say definitively that I am better mentally now.  But I don't know.  I know my anxiety has gotten better.  But I think that's a lot to do with the medication.  Depression still exists.

Sometimes I just give up.  I feel so low.  I just don't even try to figure it out.  Here's another song.  Click the lyrics for the song itself.  

I've been overboard for a long time.

I can't take that Ring on Fire

But I thank you for throwing it to me

I just stay here treading water while I drift on back to shore.  

You can't save me that way

You can't save me that way

You can't save me that way

I'm just gonna ride this wave.  

T

hat ring on fire?  That's the life preserver throw ring.  People see you in trouble or drowning and they throw that to you.  But to me, it's on fire.  Grabbing it would mean life as normal.  Which means depression still exists.  But I could take my chances treading water and seeing what that brings.  At some point you've got to make a change.  It may not be the right decision.  But as long as you don't throw in the towel completely.  Many people wonder why some stay in abusive relationships.  They take the ring when it's thrown to them by their abuser.  They believe that maybe this time will be different.  It rarely is.  And I think part of that is that their is a fear of treading water.  Their abuser still has a boat and can go after them.

My son came up with the name of this song.  I don't know where he got it.  But all I had was the music.  And he wanted to call it Ring on Fire.   So that's what I came up with.  

I do like going back and listening to the songs I recorded about a year and a half ago.  It was the summer of 2015 that I decided to put a studio in the garage.  I began making music that October and cranked out song after song.  I never actually "finished" them.  There was no goal.  Only to make music.  But I got to the point I was just making them.  But then I found writing.  And I did this instead.  But maybe I'll go back to music.  Maybe I'll do both.  

Bound and Broken

Yeah.  I slept in again.  Blame it on the time change I guess.  It's 7:11am and still feels like it's 6:11.  It messes with someone.  But seriously though, what's the point of the time change.  We just change it back.  I think it's stupid.  We can do anything at any hour of the day now.  We are not dependent on the light from the sun for that hour over at all.

Anyway.  Here's a song I wrote awhile ago.  It's a rough cut.  As they all are.  Perfectly imperfect.  Just like us all.

It was when I was trying to put into words how depression/anxiety felt.  But until you feel it...it's hard to tell.  I don't like the first few lines...I think I just put them there as filler.  But the last.

I wish there was a hope, 

a wish or a dream that I can manifest.  

To escape this sorry life and run away 

and chase the setting sun until the darkness fades away.

And it's like a trap. 

The lights go out but I can't say goodbye, 

to this dim light that's my life.

Metal chains have me locked up,

bound and broken, crucified to this lie and I can't. 

Breath. 

You can listen to it here. 

Words have Power

Ok...that first blog today.  That was weak.  That was a stretch.  That was content filler.  I accidentally overslept by half hour and it threw me off.

But I came back.  And here is the more important one.

Lets talk about the old phrase, "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me".

I'll start the conversation and say that this is the most fucked up bullshit phrase that adults have ever taught kids.

Why? Lets start with the bible. God SPOKE us into existence. Words can destroy a spirit and incite hatred and violence. The very words of Jesus say in Matthew that by you WORDS you will be acquitted or condemned. Paul wrote to the Ephesians to not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths. Instead encourage one another. He goes onto say to let your conversations be full of
grace.

In a dream world, it would be nice if words could just flow right past us and not have any effect. But that's not reality. No matter how much you deny it, words have an effect on you. Both good and bad. I
promise you that.

You don't get the right to choose what hurts another person. Even if you intent is not to hurt, if someone is hurt by your words or actions, the kind and grace filled response is to take a step back and acknowledge that hurt. Doing this doesn't mean that you are wrong in what you said. But by telling them to suck it up and that what you said shouldn't hurt them, isn't really going to help the situation much. I can promise you that too. Because so far after ten years of marriage, it hasn't helped my wife when I unintentionally said something that hurt her. Even if my mind won't even allow me to understand how what I said hurt her.

Words are tough. Emotions are tough. Everyone comes from a different place. Hurting people hurt people. It's true. But usually they don't know they are hurting people because they don't even know they are hurt themselves.

See....in my mind. Sticks and stones are great. I love sticks and stones. You can punch me, kick me, hit me, throw things at me or beat me up and I'll take that all day. I'm one tough son of a bitch. Don't fuck with me physically or I will destroy you. Sticks and stones don't have a chance. I dream about being physically mutilated and living through it. I dream about getting shot multiple times and still emerging as the hero. But fuck, if you attack my mental emotions or heart strings, I collapse. If someone ever put their hand up and excluded me or walked away from a relationship I thought was valuable and of mutual importance, it would inflict some serious pain.

Enough for me to question my whole identity.

They wouldn't even have to touch me.

And that is one of my biggest fears.  Abandonment.

360 days of writing later....and it's today that I learn something like this.  Totally unplanned.  Don't ever tell me words don't have importance.

Random Opinion

If I was a republican before this past election.

I'd quit my party.

If I was still a republican after this past election.

I'd still quit that party.

The republican party that is in office right now isn't the republican party that I remember from previous years.

I think they've quit the republican party, but are still using it's name.

It reminds me of Christianity.  I quit that too.  When I look at big C church.  I don't see the same Christianity that is found in Jesus.

But for real.  I have no idea anything that's going on in the gov't.  But when I do here things, it doesn't sound good.  And quite honestly....the White House has lost all my respect.  

Dance your Heart out

I hated school dances.  So much pressure.  Homecoming and Prom.  Those were the pinnacle events in one's high school career.  Everyone wants to go, except for people like me.  The ones that hate dancing.  But you also know it's pretty vital for potential or current relationships.  So you have to push through it and hope they play lots of slow dance songs.

And then just when you think dances are over, your friends start getting married.  Have you ever been to a wedding and not danced for fear that those watching would make fun of you?  Let me ask you something, have you even sat in the crowd and made fun of people dancing?  No.  They were all the best dancers.  Wrong.  Most of them sucked at dancing too.  They just didn't care what anyone thought.  They were having fun.  So what makes you think that if you go up and dance people would make fun of you?   Truth be told, unless I have a guitar slung low, the only other time you'll catch me moving to the music is if I'm running or driving.  And it's incredibly erratic.

I just don't think dancing is fun.  At all.

Take running for example.  In a day that so many people post their running times and distances online, it's easy to think people are judging how fast you are.  So if you'd post your 12 minute mile time you know people would comment on how slow you were.   No.  They wouldn't.  They'd be happy that you are out and moving.  A 12 minute mile is faster and longer than what most are doing.  And it's not a race.  And if it was, you are only competing against yourself.  So don't be ashamed of running "slow", be afraid of not running/walking/moving at all.

But dancing.   I have nothing to be afraid of if I never dance again in my life.

Not Much Going On Today

It's like clockwork.  I wake up everyday at about 4:30.  Not with an alarm.  I have to pee.  And then a decision follows.  Stay up or fall back asleep for an hour?  Most days I fall back asleep.  But today I stayed up.

Despite being up for an hour and carousing Facebook, nothing really fancied my interest to write about.

Except for the fact that the Department of Defense spend nearly 300 million dollars since 2011 on erectile dysfunction prescriptions for active, retired and eligible family members of military members.

Members.

Get it?

But seriously.  294 million dollars over the past 6 years.  So men can get a boner.  And to think some people have a problem with birth control being covered under government insurance.

I don't even know where to begin with the financial burden placed on America by lifestyle choices.  I'm not saying it's wrong...but it's not to be ignored.

It seems many people want to pick and choose what they want to foot the bill for.  But how about stuff like Type 2 diabetes that is most often caused and can be controlled by lifestyle choices.  If my sources are accurate, diabetes costs America $245 billion dollars a year.  You can look them up if you'd like.     And that was 2012 and it's only getting worse.

If you have Type 2 or pre-diabetes, don't think I'm faulting you.  I'm not.  But I think many of you are not being given all the information.  Do your own research into how your diet contributes to diabetes.  While I'm not making any claims, I can only speak about stories I've heard.  Here's an article from Men's Health that explains a lot.     

Anyway.  Just putting some stuff out there.

People can be Assholes

This one fires me up.  It's a bit of a rant.

When I started a lifestyle change of eating clean and real foods, cutting carbs, avoiding all processed foods, and eliminating sugar there were a few people that spoke out and were concerned about my health and well being.   I've since had many friends convert to a ketogenic lifestyle.   They reported the same thing.   It's incredibly frustrating.  This way of eating is not new.  It's been around for hundreds of thousands of years.  There is nothing to be concerned about.  In fact, eating a ketogenic diet has far less concerns (in any at all) than your consumption of twinkies, candy, ho-ho's, pizza, booze, simple carbs, and soda.  

Where were these concerns about my health when I was drinking two bottles of whiskey a week?  Where were your concerns when I carried jelly bellies in my pocket?  Where were your concerns when I would eat a quart of ice cream at a time and anything else that was placed in front of me?  Where were your concerns when I experienced several health issues because of my poor diet?  Where were your concerns when I was 50 lbs overweight?  Where were your concerns with the 4 other diets I had been on and severely cut calories and exercised like a fool only to have the weight all come back because that kind of diet is unhealthy and unsustainable?  But now all of the sudden after countless hours, days, weeks and months of research and studying on eating a healthy diet that will help me on so many levels you are concerned about my health.   Sorry.....but fuck your concerns about my health. Your history of concern about my health shows me that  you don't care about my health.

I don't mind questions about my diet.  But please preface your question with why you are asking what your intent is.

You don't even want to know what people had to say when I mentioned I fasted.  And that I'd sometimes go days without eating.   Fasting is NOT an eating disorder and is incredibly beneficial.

I will say, it's not size.  It's health.
Being skinny doesn't equal healthy.
But being overweight is a primary
contributor of several health problems
and limitations. 

A few days ago a close friend of mine said she was at work and her stomach started growling a little after lunch.  She apologized to her co-workers and they asked if she had lunch.  She didn't.  She doesn't need to eat lunch.  She's incredibly fat adapted and has zero problems going without food, especially between breakfast and dinner.  The co-workers began telling it's not healthy to not eat and she was starving herself.  This is simply not true.  Your stomach doesn't growl when it's time to eat.  It doesn't even growl when you are hungry.  It growls because you have air in your stomach and that's what's moving around.  Yes...it is because the food is done processing in your stomach.  But it's not a sign you are starving and need to eat more food.  You'd think those in the health profession would know that.

What if I decided to just comment on everyones eating choices?  Why does it seem ok to comment on someones diet or weight if they are skinny?  What if I saw a fat person eating shit food and told them something like, "Hey, you are already incredibly overweight.  You can barely fit in your chair.  You really shouldn't be eating all those sugary treats.  They aren't helping your health in any way.  Oh and the apple and banana you just ate are full of fructose that when paired with everything else you just ate will be sent straight to your fat stores."   I'll stop there.  Because no, that would be awful.  And I don't judge people based on their size and what they eat.  That's their choice.  The information is out there and I think most people know their diet isn't as good as it should be.  And there are multiple factors involved in why it's hard to change.  I get it.

My frustrations lie more with the FDA, the USDA and the food industry.   Greedy bastards.  It's ridiculous the more you learn about these groups.  It will make you sick, literally.

Confused about Privilege

So there is this page on facebook about stuff Christian Culture likes.   Yesterday was the first day I had seen it or paid much attention to it.  As far as I'm concerned, it's a page not a person.  For all I know there are several people in charge of it.  So I have NO idea who I'd be talking to if I posted anything.  

They posted an article about progressive Christian podcasts that I didn't read.  I know.  I should have.  But this page was going on and on about how most progressive Christian podcasts don't have on more guests from minority, marginalized or oppressed groups.   I think they have a great point.  It would be great to hear more from those groups.  But all the page and it's followers  seemed to be doing was criticizing some of my favorite podcasts.  Those same podcasts that helped me be more aware of the privilege that I wasn't even aware I had.  The same ones that broadened my perspective of Christianity.  Those same podcasts are the reason I am not an atheist.  Yet.  

So I told this page that nobody has the lock down on who can and can't start a podcast and suggested they do one and have on whomever they want.  I thought it was a good idea.  I'd probably listen to it.

However, I was quickly accused that what I said shows a deep lack of understanding of privilege by the page "leader".  I was mocked, belittled, made fun of, and judged severely by several of the pages followers.  I kept asking sincerely how they could draw those conclusions about me from what I said.  I got no answer.  I didn't fight back, I didn't name call.  I didn't get upset.  I'm just really confused.

It was then it dawned on me that this was the page of someone who was a guest on one of the podcasts they were being critical of.  And I actually enjoyed what she said and learned a lot from it.  But the person that was on the podcast and the person behind the name of the Facebook page had to be two different people.  

I'm still left wondering.  Because I sincerely don't know.  I am well aware of how much privilege I have as a straight white male in my 30's who's physical fit and extremely attractive.  I have a shit ton of priv.  I like to think that I use that privilege to help those that don't have much of a voice have one.  I like to spend time in the margins.  I like to see the "other" perspective.  I'm just having a hard time seeing how anything that happened here actually helps their goal.  I'm an ally, but they see me as a straight white male and that makes me an enemy and part of the problem?

It's like if my kids innocently said something they shouldn't have.  It wouldn't be beneficial for them if I just told them they were wrong and they don't know anything about words.   No.  I have to explain to them why they can't say it and teach them an alternative way to share their message or thoughts.  

So what gives?  Basically, what this group is communicating to me is that every white male shouldn't have a voice or have an opinion.  Hey, not all white men are equal.  There are assholes in every bunch.  And there are nice ones in every bunch that would have a much louder voice to help put an end to privilege if you'd welcome them.  That's not a privilege,  People of the same tribe have more trust towards one another.  Like I said, I am a friend to those in the margins.  It's to bad that a group that champions the cause of the same people that I do, failed to recognize me as a friend simply because I'm a straight white male.  

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not hurt by this page.  I'm not feeling oppressed.  I'm not afraid of all people having an equal voice and equal rights.   If anything, I'm sad because I think they have a great message.  But the ones with the loudest voices treat everyone that fits the image of the most privileged the same way.   And to me...that's no different than people treating all black people the same way just because they're black.

Anyway.  I just had to get that off my privileged chest.  I try to  be as well aware of my privilege as a straight white american male as possible.  It's impossible to never speak from a place of privilege.  Having privilege is like having a shit ton of money.  It's not the possession of it that makes you a horrible person.  It's how you use it that reveals your character.

More Inspirational BS

Two things this morning.  I watched Captain Fantastic last night.  It is such a great movie with so many things to unpack.  I'm not going to do that here.  I may never do it.  But seriously, go watch that movie.  It's, well....fantastic.

The second thing.  And it's going to be a short one today.  It's another blog talking about stupid shit people say without thinking about it.  And this one was even a moving meme.  It had words and in the background little kids were playing.  Let me say that the person that posted it whom I know has wonderful kids.   I don't think they really gave this meme much thought.  This isn't the exact meme...but you get the drift.  And I also know the original poster doesn't fit the description of what I am about to write.  At least I hope not.

First off....that's not what happiness is.  Can it make you happy that your kids are good people? Sure.  But your happiness should never, ever, depend on your kids being "good" people.  You love your kids no matter what, whatever they do.  You can be sad for them if they aren't, but you NEVER should let them or their actions dictate your overall level of happiness.  Kids should never feel like they have to do or say certain things just to keep mom or dad happy.  

Bottom line, your kids being "good" should have no effect on your overall level of happiness.  You go be happy, whether or not your kids suck at life or not.  I'm sure somebody with a child psychology degree could say it better than me.

Take this song for example.  I love this song.  But dang I've grown to hate the lyrics.  It's be Coheed and Cambria, Atlas.

So sleep tight, little Atlas

'Cause when your daddy goes off just you know

That you're the weight of his anchor,

The love that is guiding him home

That should not be the child's responsibility.  That's a lot of pressure for a child.  

Have a nice day.  Love your kids.  Be the best parent you can be.  But own yourself.  Own your feelings.  Don't make them dependent on someone else.  

Daily Inspirational Bullshit. C- for effort though.

What are you building with your life?  A career or God's Kingdom?  You can seek to become important to other people, or you can seek to be important to God.

This was a quote on a daily Christian inspirational calendar. From the surface it doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with this.  It basically trying to get you to remember that you aren't trying to work to be "worldly successful", but rather be a worker in Gods Kingdom to bring him glory.

But look again.  Look at what it says.

First...building a career and building God's Kingdom don't have to be mutually exclusive.  Isn't a pastor a career?  What about social workers?  Those that work in humanitarian aid?  That's building Gods Kingdom too, caring for those nobody else is caring for.  Whether it is "for God" or not, it is.

And lets get something straight.  You are already important to God.  Nothing you do or don't do, say or don't say will make you any more or less important.  And God wants people to be important to you.  That whole love your neighbor as yourself bit.  So in return, you will be important to others.

So please, enough with stuff like that without putting any thought into it.  

It better be the BEST.

I get sick and tired of the talk that Immigrants come to the USA and take our jobs.  This is quite simply...bullshit.   They don't take anything.  If anything, they take advantage of the opportunity for success like we citizens never have or will.  Employers take your jobs from you.  And yes, sometimes they give those jobs to immigrants.  Why?  They know they'll work circles around you and won't bitch and moan like you do.

FYI, I'm not speaking to anyone specific when I say "you".

Are there some immigrants that mooch off the system...you bet.  Just like many americans do too.  So I guess you could say they are only trying to do as the americans do.

So just cut the crap about losing jobs to immigrants.  There is plenty of opportunity in America.  You just might have to move.  But hey, at least you don't have to move to an entire new country.  Be thankful for the opportunity we have here in the US.  Take advantage of it.

I just got back from a short trip to Haiti.  Often times when I come back I get all pissy about how much stuff we have in America.  I get pissed at how much excess we have here.  But this time was different.

I was coming back through security in Fort Lauderdale and my bag got "selected not by random" to do a search.  They were once again checking out my coffee.  They were swabbing for explosive residue.  But lucky me, their machine to test wasn't working.  By lucky me, I mean that not because I was working with explosives but because I wouldn't have my time wasted by smoke and mirrors.  They gave up and allowed me through.   All this technology and money spent and it doesn't work.  Speaking of security...surely I wouldn't be able to get a knife and fork through.  They could be weapons like the plastic child scissors they confiscated.   But I could walk right into the terminal Chili's and take swipe several before they would even notice.  I could probably get "lost" and end up in the kitchen and steal some much sharper knives too.  Some security......like I said, smoke and mirrors.

But while were were at Chili's my order was screwed up twice.  And all I asked for was no bun, no onions, and no chili lime sauce.  As well as some jalapeño aioli sauce on the side.  TWICE they messed up.  I let the mistakes go.  And then they said they couldn't separate our check into individual tickets.  There was no add'l tip for parties of 8, so that wasn't a reason.   Well, how do they separate 8 peoples meals that are setting in different seats?  Right?   C'mon America.  We live in one of the best, most advanced countries in the world.  You better be the best.  There is no excuse.  You have every opportunity for excellence at your fingertips.  Don't waste it.

But hey, if you decide to not take advantage of it, don't be pissed if someone else does.  You have your chance.  Taking it is up to you.  Nobody ever said it would be easy.

Trust Issues and Skepticism

Why are we on the defensive so much?  Why can't we trust the good in people?  Why do we always have to be on alert?

What happened to handshake deals and a basic "good will" towards another?

I'm going to share a story about a real life scenario.  I was at the airport waiting to board our plane.  It was "on time" but it was also 2 minutes to boarding and no plane in sight.  Our group was sitting together when an older gentleman with a prosthetic leg (who I'd seen earlier) came up and asked if we were a ministry in Haiti.  Duh.  The matching green shirts and flight to Port Au Prince kinda gives it away.   He said he was going to visit his daughter who lives and does missionary work in Haiti.  But he lost is baggage ticket which is helpful to have in PaP.  He was going to go to the trash can and look for it and have to come back through security.  He said he didn't want to carry his bags because they were heavy and cumbersome, there was a starter to a ford ranger in one them that barely made it through security the first time.  Naturally, we said we'd watch them since we are good people.  Besides, our plane wasn't even at the gate yet, even though it was still "on time" and we were supposed to be boarding.

He left quickly.

After about 30 seconds we thought about the situation more.  This was a stranger.  His bags barely made it through security.  He said he was leaving the secure area to look for his baggage claim tag.  He played us.  He's got a bomb in here and we're gonna take the fall.  He used the good natured ministry team to use so he could get out of there.  Maybe he lost his leg in his last terror attack.

I know...the odds of that being real were minimal.  He came back unsuccessfully about 15 minutes later.  The plane still hadn't arrived at the gate yet.

But it really made me think about how you handle a situation like that.  Obviously we want to be nice.  None of us had any problem watching his bags.  But what do they tell you at the airport all the time?  Never take a bag from a stranger.  So I feel like we should have said no.  Explain that we are sorry and can't be responsible for bags we are unaware of the contents of.  Those are the rules.

What are some other examples were doing the nice thing could get you into trouble?

It is really sad that we always have to be on guard for people that may have ill intent.  I think we have to keep up a certain level of skepticism.   But I don't like that we have to.

Just a few questions for you, Tim Tebow.

I listened to an interview with Tim Tebow yesterday.  I'm not sure when it was filmed, but he was asked a question about how he juggles the pressure of his career and his charity work.

He said that the pressure of being 0 for the last 12 and standing at the plate for the 13th time pales in comparison to walking the streets of Haiti and picking up a cripple and providing help.  He said that charity work is so much more important than being a sports star.  He wants to live a life of purpose and that is NOT being a sports star.  He wants to help people and give people hope.  He said that he wants to be known for his good works on the charity field.  But he also said he works hard and is incredibly thankful that he can use his sports success (the little bit of it) as a platform to be heard for all the charity work.

My question to Tebow, why are you still playing sports?  Why not go full time missionary?  What are you so afraid of?   I think you may be hiding behind a shield of....."but it's my platform".   Why don't you make charity work your platform?  Why do you even need to have a platform?  Does God care how famous you are?   I wish you would stop saying you don't care about your sports career, clearly you do care.  Otherwise you'd have stopped playing a long time ago.

When I was in Amway, all I wanted to do was make a difference.  I thought if I made a shit ton of money people would listen to me.  They said I needed a platform before I could really make a difference.   I'm glad I stopped listening to that horse shit.

I really don't think God requires a worldly platform.   Why do so many people keep their platform instead of fully devoting to their calling?  Who are you trying to impress?

Don't think I'm being critical of Tebow...I think he's a great guy.  But sometimes I don't think many of the nicest people even realize what they are saying.  Even me at times.

Not sure if any of that made sense.  Let’s elaborate in the comment section a bit if need be.

False Hope and Misinformation

A few years ago I went with missions team to Canaan.  It was about 3 years after the earthquake in Haiti and lots of families were relocated here to a tent city.  Many still remain there even today.  Some traded their tent for a concrete home, others still use a tent.

The pastor of a school some friends had helped start took us around to some of the families of the kids at his school to check on them and give them some basic care items.  This consisted of some soap, toothpaste, toothbrush, etc.  He also wanted us to pray for them.  At this time in my life I was ready to see a major miracle.  Something like a healing to happen.  All my pastors at the Assemblies of God church I went to without a doubt believed in miracles like this.

I got my wish.  We walked to a place where there was a young girl that was blind.  I didn't volunteer to pray, but the leader of our group asked me to pray.  This was it I thought.  So I prayed the most powerful prayer I could.  And as the translator was translating for me, I felt the most peculiar feeling come over me.  It was an awkwardness that seemed to tell me to stop.  I didn't stop, but I was most definitely not feeling anything like the power of what I thought was the Holy Spirit.

But maybe for the first time, I actually was.

Here I was, praying the same prayer that they've probably been praying for years.  I was thinking that I was some kind of special.  That my prayer was going to be the one that saves this little girls eyesight.  What pride we must have as christians thinking that our prayers are any more special to God than the prayers of poor families living in tents.

That's pretty much what got the ball rolling on the deconstruction of my faith.  I began to ask questions like what prayer is, who prayer is for and how does it work?

I didn't want to come into some place and pray for the poor and poverty stricken and make them think they not only are they poor and in poverty, but that their prayers weren't good enough either.  Especially if we were only showing up once and leaving.

Perhaps it would be better to pray with them, rather than for them.  But seriously, for those living at the bottom of the barrel, unless you are coming to commit to them maybe it would be best if you'd just stay away.

not anyone we know...just some people with plants

Recently we went to a small mountain community to teach them some farming techniques.  They already knew some, so it was more of a refresher course.  They hadn't known about helping the soil by adding their banana peels and egg shells.  As well as rotating their crops every year or two.  However, one of the men in the back of the class was asking if we were going to provide water. Well, we weren't. We can only teach ways to help collect rainwater and irrigation techniques.

But we didn't pray for water.  They've been praying for water for years.  What makes us think that our prayer for water would be any better than theirs?  And what if it did rain? What would that create?  That only white peoples prayers are heard?  That they are being unheard by god?  I don't think that's what God would want.  It’s possible they might believe that they just aren’t heard by God.

So all we did was teach them some farming techniques and affirm what they already know.  And the two members of our team with farming experience did a tremendous job.