I'll be honest. This one is really hard to write out. There are lots of variables and it's not always a one size fits all. I'll start with this. The bible. Because I think it's got some wisdom. Matthew 7 talks alot about judgement. Specifically judging others. Jesus speaks against judging someones motive for doing something. Think about it this way. What's your primary motive for being a Christian? Heaven insurance? Or is it because you genuinely care about all of God's people. For some, sadly, it's merely heaven insurance. And Jesus says that your motive is all wrong.
Now, I could be way off base on that. But to summarize, you can't really ever know what a person's true motivation is until you start seeing the fruit that is produced.
My wife and I end up having a lot of (let's call them heated) conversations about perceived intent and actual intent. This most often comes up when I say something and it hurts her. Usually I'm caught off guard about her being hurt. In my mind, nothing I said should have been hurtful. I had no intent to hurt. But regardless, something I said hurt her in some way.
Now, I know that it doesn't matter what my intent was. She was hurt by something I said and even though I was innocent, I still want to know how what I said hurt her so I don't do it again.
On the flip side of things. When two people are in this situation and they know each other well. If someone is hurt by something, I think it also might be wise for them to take a step back and think about the person that said it. Do they routinely try to hurt people with their words? Are they mean spirited? Are they themselves hurting? If they aren't a hurtful person, maybe they've got some hurts that are coming through. And before you accuse them of hurting you, maybe wait and see where they go with what they are saying. I know...it's hard to talk this out without being specific.
But don't ignore your own hurts. Come back to it. Once the situation is more neutral. Say something like "what you said earlier, that kinda hurt a little bit. I don't think you meant it, but I can't ignore the feelings it triggered in me".
Most often times hurting people hurt people and they don't even realize it. They don't even realize how their words might hurt.
Sometimes my daughter (who is 3) hurts me with her words and actions. If she has the choice between going to the store with mommy or going to the store with me, she'll choose mommy every time. In fact, it doesn't matter what it is she'll choose mommy. But when mommy isn't home, daddy is the coolest cat around, so I know she loves me. And she just won't choose mommy, she'll run away and hide behind mommy crying because she doesn't want to go with daddy. Sometimes that hurts. Sometimes what she says and does hurts me. I love her so much and she treats me like shit sometimes. But my daughter is 3. She's not doing it because she wants to hurt me. I can choose to be hurt, or I can analyze the relationship I have with my daughter and now that her reactions have nothing to do with me.
Does any of that make sense?
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