WTF is this?

The Truman Show?  Sometimes that's how it seems.  Not only am I Truman Burbank, I'm also Christof.  Don't know what I'm talking about...watch the movie.  It's only one of the greatest movies to ever be made.

Enjoy this little exert I wrote yesterday...AFTER I exercised. Imagine how I was feeling before it.

Consider this your warning.  This is raw and unfiltered.  It's just my honest emotions of how I'm feeling.

God is dead.  Gone.  I would love to believe. But God is dead.  All religions are stories made up to help people make sense of the world and their existence.  And it sucks when this becomes just as much of a truth to you as faith in the Christian god once did.  For real.  It would be so awesome to put all my pain and all my struggles on God.  But I can't.  I believed once.  Then it all vanished.  Then I asked God to show up and help reveal himself to me.  All the signs I got kept pushing me to where I’m at now.  I’m still waiting.  And it's fucking bullshit.  Because at this point, if God did show up, I'd probably tell him to fuck off.  No loving God would let a person go through this much emotional and mental turmoil.  God is dead.  Gone.

I’m so sick and tired of the mental gymnastics.  I start thinking about how bad I could make things for myself.  I’m still alive aren’t I?  Is God keeping me from committing suicide?  Fuck no.  God isn’t doing shit.

I figured maybe God would show up if I piss him off enough.  Since he didn’t show up when I needed him the most.

Oh…and I’m sure all these self righteous people are thinking they can see God working in my life.  They can see all this shit as some divine master plan.  They want to just say, don’t you see God guiding you.  He’ll never give you more than you can handle, proof is because you’re still here and you’re still fighting for something better.  If this is God’s master plan….he’s a shitty plan maker.  Not just for me, but for so many people.

God is dead.  God doesn’t exist.  It’s cool to still live like Jesus.  I think that’s probably the best thing that came out of the Bible.  

There.  Welcome to some of the real things in my head.  Maybe tomorrow will be a little lighter.  I'll talk about sugar again.