It's about suicide.

I want to talk about it but people get all weirded out when I start.  Maybe it's because I think about it a little differently.

This is not for the faint of heart.  So if you are sensitive to this stuff...just stop reading now.


Let me start by saying there are times I've wanted to die.  Mostly because of depression symptoms.  Feelings of failure.  Low self worth.  Feelings I can't process right and want to escape. I didn't necessarily want to kill myself, but if I died I believed the ones in my life that I cared about would be better off without me.  I didn't want to run away, simply because I would never escape having thoughts of my wife and kids.  I needed to either develop amnesia or die.  I know they'd be sad, but they'd move on with life.

But I always live.  At least till this point.  Nobodies run me over, I haven't fallen off a ladder, etc.   I'm not wreckless.  I'm very safe actually.  I guess I believe enough in myself to stick it out.

But I also know those feelings.  I honestly believe if I died that would be it.  It would be over.

I've heard people say that have either failed suicide or decided not to, that later in life they are glad they are alive.  Well, duh.  But here's where that doesn't move me.  I'm glad your alive and I'm glad your happy...but guess what?   Had you died you'd feel nothing.  You wouldn't know of this life.  You'd regret nothing.  I think it would be foolish to tell someone to think about the future.  Because at that moment, the future they think of is so far fetched it makes them feel worse.

I've heard several stories of friends intervening for a suicidal friend.  And the suicidal friend hates them for it.  They wanted to die.  They wanted it to be over.  Why would you take that from them?  Seriously.  Yes, I know that their life may get better.  Are you willing to do everything to help them recover?  Will you be there for them every step of the way?   I'm not considering what might be, I'm considering what is.

Anyway, as sad as it is, I say let someone do it.  Tell them you love them and you wish they wouldn't.  And that you are sorry that they are feeling that way.  And that you'll love them however they are.  But if in the end they still want to die, I say let them.

Maybe I'm of sound mind enough to know that I don't really want to die.  And I realize some people aren't.  I'm not saying help them, I'm saying I wouldn't intervene.

We all die in the end anyway, right?  There are no what ifs.  At that moment, it's the what is.  And if what is is horrible and you can't fathom living in it and feel like there is only one way out.....