This one gets long. Take some time, read to the end. Please.
Last night I posted an article about ADD/ADHD. For me, it was spot on. All those things are me, plus many others. Our minds don't stop. They never rest. You may think that's not so bad. It's horrible. On top of that I hear so many people write it off as a self control issue and a made up problem. Well, I'd like to make up a problem on your face with my fist. So many times I'll write something or say something and it's like a mind explosion. I feel great while I'm doing it. But as soon as I hit "share" or finish the conversation I immediately feel anxiety wondering what in the world I had just done. Who had I hurt in what I said? I'm telling you, the mind doesn't stop. I can trace signs of this all the way back to when I was younger. Thankfully, I started taking Ritalin a few weeks ago and it has been incredible. Some of what I write is hard. The topics can be really intense and very difficult to read for some people. No matter how many times I say it's not personal and not directed at any one particular entity, it can still be abrasive. I'm sorry. But I don't write for that. I write to stay sane. Literally. Sitting down writing every morning is like a brain dump (why I called it the daily dump) for a while. It gets so much out of what it floating in my head. And it's only a portion. But it frees up space to help get through the rest of the day. There are days I could write all day. Writing seems to be the best outlet that I've found so far. So when I say these thoughts are in my head, they are. They are killing me. Literally driving me insane. And often times I get so connected to a thought I become passionate about that thought. So when I get pushback on it, it seems to me like you are attacking the entirety of my being. I'm getting better at recognizing that's not the case. But I still struggle a bit. And next time you read something, maybe you'll have a little more perspective on where I'm coming from and why I'm writing. It's NEVER personal. And trust me...if it ever is, it will be VERY clear. But it rarely is. Because knowing all my flaws and issues, I know everyone battles with theirs as well. And we often aren't that way because we want to be. See how this paragraph just keeps going...and going...and going....yeah. Welcome.
Do you know sometimes I have people work for me so I have someone to use as an outlet? Sorry if that was ever you. Sure, I appreciate the help you do provide. But more importantly, I really appreciate the conversations.
And on and on and on I go.
Oh yeah. I was going to write about when helping hurts. I already did. I write to help me. But sometimes it hurts others. Sorry. I'm not going to stop. I can only continually say it's not personal and I'd really like to have a conversation about some of the things I write about...EVEN if it sounds I'm very passionate and solid on a stance.
Not a day goes by that I'm not haunted that some of the things I write will hurt people I love. You might be thinking what I write isn't that bad. But remember....ADD/ADHD/ANXIETY. If one person pushes back a little, I assume everyone will. I know...It's not right. But it's how it is for me and many others. I worry a lot. And apparently today I can't stop writing. Hopefully by now you get a little glimpse into what I'm talking about. It's like my butt is glued to my chair, my wrists are locked the desk and someone is shooting at the keyboard making my fingers dance.
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