Haiti on my Mind

December 2012 was the first time I set foot on Haitian ground.  I never knew how much my life would change because of it.  It shook me to my core.  I had never seen anything like Haiti.  I had never been outside of the US or Canada.  My vacation to Puerta Vallarta doesn't really count.  We were covered under the umbrella of Dreams Resort.

Since then I've been back around 10 times.  I've lost count.  I went 4 times that first year.  And at least 3 times a year since.  The last time I was there was April.  I had the wonderful opportunity of taking my wife and brother in law there for her second time and his first.  This is the longest it's been since I've been.  February 20th can't come soon enough.

Our sponsor child Noel awaiting someone to join him
on the see saw.  

There are a number of reasons for the delay in going back.  But something changed in me this time.  I've mentioned in previous posts about me struggling with anxiety.  I've also learned that I do many things with a hope in the back of my mind that I'd be recognized for whatever the thing is that I'm doing.  It's like I'm trying to fill some sort of hole in my heart to be something special, to be someone of importance.  I've learned since that that hole doesn't exist.  But I began to use my trips to haiti to try to fill that hole.  Sure, I loved being there.  I love all the kids we interact with.  Me being there are developing relationships is important for them.  But I couldn't be home more than a day or two till I had dates for my next trip.  It wasn't till this extended absence and having a trip fall through did I quite realize the impact my travels had had on me.  I also feel being on medication for anxiety and depression has helped me restructure my thoughts as well.  It's like I used to use my travels as some sort of badge of honor.  I used it as medication to help me feel better about myself.  Looking back on it, I guess it's not so bad.  There are much worse ways to self medicate.

But over the past few months, when I see photos of friends in haiti.  Something in me changes.  The feelings change.  There is a longing I have never felt before.  It's deep.  It's wonderful.  Even though I loved every part of Haiti, including the part that helped my own mind repair itself, I feel like I'm finally seeing it without the need to have it help me too.  I hear so many people return and say that they were ministered to just as much as they ministered.  This isn't a bad thing.  But there is no additional excitement about what Haiti will do for me while I am there, because I have worked out a lot of those things for me, here.

It's kinda like running.  Exercise is great therapy.  It's good for your mind.  We did some experimenting this summer before I was on medication for anxiety.  I had to go on a run or do some cycling every day to function well.  EVERY DAY.  Seriously.  We skipped a few days just to see how I would do mentally and I was a wreck.  I began to develop a distaste running or cycling.  Even though it was a good thing, I didn't want to "have" to do it.  I wanted to do it because I wanted to do it for the enjoyment of the sport.

Noel, 3 years after I first met him.  If you
had any idea the changes....

I finally am feeling that enjoyment and excitement for my next trip to Haiti.  I'm feeling good.  I'm going because I want to go.  Not because I feel like I have to go for any other reason.  Not out of guilt and not out of a desire to be something special.  I can't wait to see all those kids I've come to know over the past few years with a fresh set of eyes.

But to be there to watch this kid, Noel.  He is the child we sponsor.  To watch him grow up and be a part of his life...priceless.

So much more I'd love to write about.  If you are interested in a trip or would like to get involved, there are lots of opportunities and it's not as hard as you think.