What happens when you Fast?

I know.  My titles are lacking.  First...let me talk about fasting.

I don't know anything scientific enough for my science friends.  But here is my experience.

There are a few people that choose to not eat for a meal, a day or any number of days.  Some do it for spiritual reasons.  Others for a "cleanse".  I'm always intrigued to hear about what people come away with.  It's usually either I cheated, or it was the most amazing thing ever.  I remember a time I did a 3 day fruits and veggies fast.  By the third day I was feeling so good I decided to go a full week, with the remaining 4 days only liquid.  By day 7 I was on point.  I was high.  I couldn't believe how could I felt.  If only I knew the science  behind what I was doing.  Day 7 we happened to be at a mini conference for our amway business with DC International.  They had a chug and chew competition to win free conference tickets.  You eat a meal bar and chug an energy drink and the first one to finish wins the $80 dollar ticket.  I was picked to compete.  I didn't know what to do!  I was fasting!  I've always wanted to compete!  But I didn't.  I picked someone else to do it.  This was heresy.  You don't just tell your mentor you won't do something.  But I did.  That night I avoided all the chicken wings too.  The next day at church when I was supposed to eat, I couldn't.  I couldn't bring myself to do it.  Pastors at the AG church literally prayed over me so I could eat.  Guess what I settled on?  A donut.  A damn donut.  FROM CHURCH!!!!  It was good.  But it took me right back to my old eating habits.  I had, in that 7 days went from carb burner to fat burner.  And I was happily eating my own body fat. There was nothing wrong with me.  If only I knew then.

I could give you many many other stories of my history with doing small fasts.  They were all so enlightening.  I attributed them all to being spiritual.  I'm not so sure now.  Day one was easy.  Day two was really hard.  Day three also really hard.  But by day 4.....It's almost like you'd be letting yourself down if you'd eat.  So you do.  And most people rip into whatever like mad.  But I bet if you'd eat an egg, you'd be satisfied for several hours.  I've come to believe it's not spiritual at all.  That our bodies are designed to be able to work off of very little.   You'd be surprised.  I'm surprised.  Our bodies are pretty amazing.  And depending on what you believe in, if God created you, I guess coming to those realizations that you don't have to rely on food as much as you think can be a pretty spiritual thing.

It always surprised me thought...that all the times churches have encouraged fasting they never taught you what happened in your body when you gave up food for a few days.  Was it ignorance?  Most likely.  Or was it fear that science would prove that enlightenment you get after a few days?

The foods you eat play a huge role in how you feel mentally.  You really do become what you eat.  If you eat junk, it is very likely that will effect your mental health.  It's all in your gut.

For the Shock of it

I'll never forget the time I brought up something controversial on Facebook.  But let's put yesterday behind us and move on.  Just kidding.  I'm learning how to Facebook and I'm learning how to life.  But it was several years ago.  It was one of my cousins that accused me of "trolling".  I didn't know what trolling was.  I don't think she did either.  I just brought up something serious that would bring about different responses because I'm interested in talking about the real stuff.  And people were getting heated.  That's not me...that's on them.

I'm also not one to follow the norms.  I was in a punk rock band.  I dyed my hair, got piercings and just wanted to be a little "different".  I also went to church and loved Jesus.  Don't see a punk and assume they are all out to cause trouble.

Then shit hit the fan at home.  Well...it had been hitting the fan all my life.  I just didn't know about it until I was a 14 year old kid.  And the fan turned up to high when I was around 16-17.  I'm going to share more about that journey in a later writing.

Over the next few years I'd become known for doing things a little different.  Not really wanting to just do what everyone else does.  Not major things, just little things.  Some people would accuse me of doing things just to get a rise out of people.  My intent was never to cause trouble.  But I guess when you do things beyond the norm, people notice.  And some people aren't happy with that.

I could give a variety of examples.  I'm sure my wife could give plenty more.

About two years ago or so I took my shoes off.  And didn't put them back on.  You know how many people aren't huge fans of that?  Lots.  95% of the time, everywhere I went I was well within my legal rights to be barefoot but lots and lots of people had big problems with it.  They would let me know and the majority of the time....things didn't turn out so well.  I won't say they were right and I know I didn't handle those confrontations well.  But I learned a lot.  I still support going fully barefoot anywhere you choose.  However, I often slip on flip flops going into public spaces because I can't stand dealing with assholes that don't know shit proper foot hygiene and health, and laws regarding footwear requirements.  I became known as the barefoot painter.  And before too long my feet became a source of attention.  Crooked toes and all.  I hated it.  Why do people feel the need to comment on footwear or a lack of?  Before to long, that's how people greeted me.  Hey Jon!  Where's your shoes?  Did you forget your shoes?  Whoa Jon, you're wearing sandals!  It got really annoying.  I just want to wear whatever I want to wear.   And now that I started wearing whatever makes me comfortable, I can't get away from the comments about wearing shoes or sandals now.  I still believe being barefoot is best for the health of your foot and legs.  Not many were really interested in why I was barefoot.  Here's why I did it...you want the truth?  At some point in my life someone told me you had to wear shoes.  And then someone else told me you didn't.  And that was cool.  I was finally free to expand my wardrobe by getting rid of something.  And there is something therapeutic about running barefoot.   It had nothing to do with bucking the societal norms.  And when that's what it became, I didn't like it.  I didn't like it one bit.

It was then I realized, what else have people told me that I just bought into and believed without question?

At a family dinner a man had cut his ham in half, placed it in two roasting pans and put it in the oven for dinner.  His daughter asked why he did that.  He said Grandma used to always do it.  Next time they were at Grandmas house, she noticed grandma making ham.  Grandma put it in the roasting pan and slid the whole thing right into the oven.  She went to get her dad and told him that Grandma was doing it wrong.  Dad asked what the deal was and explained that he thought you had to cut the ham  in two pieces to make it right.  Grandma replied...."I cut the ham because our oven was smaller back then and it wouldn't fit all in one pan, but two smaller pans fit in the oven better."  We have a bigger oven now and don't need to do that.

How many things have you been taught that aren't the only ways to do things?  How many things in our world are that way?  That we have "normal" and if anyone bucks the system they are only trying to cause trouble or shock people.  Or maybe they are just trying to fine their own normal.  After 20 years...I'm finally finding my own normal.



This is where the blog post takes a turn.  It gets real.  And it gets serious.  Vulnerable.

Just kidding.  Not today.  I'm not ready.

Let's stick with shock.  Deep inside, I don't do things to piss people off even though that might be the result. Or maybe people aren't upset.  Maybe I'm the one that's upset.  Maybe I'm the mad one.  I was always the one that took a confrontation to the next level. I am the mad one.  I am the one dealing with past emotional trauma that I've been suppressing. Thanks to a loving and patient wife, therapy, proper diet and exercise and a few really good close friends I'm discovering who I really am.  In 20 years I've never been me for me.  I've been trying to be something for someone else and often times I didn't know who that someone was.  I believe my wife sees the real me at times.  My close friends see the real me at times.  I'm looking forward to that being more of the norm.  Writing has helped.

I'm going on close to 3 or 4 months of writing every day and posting it on Facebook.  I like it.  But at times I wonder if I should.

Hearing from some people saying how grateful they are for what I'm saying is helpful.  But I don't do it for that.  Although it's nice to know people resonate.  I started this for me. For a release.  And I need to be conscience of why I'm continuing to do it.  It's not that I don't want to connect, I do.  I'm just trying to find my normal.

These words hit me today.  There is a void in my life.  A piece missing that I don't think I'll ever be able to get back.

Mama, come here
Approach, appear
Daddy, I'm alone
'Cause this house don't feel like home

If you love me, don't let go
If you love me, don't let go

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

Mother, I know
That you're tired of being alone
Dad, I know you're trying
To fight when you feel like flying

But if you love me, don't let go
If you love me, don't let go

Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady

    - X Ambassadors

Why not nutritional health too?

I'm not going to lie, I may be that guy when it comes to what you eat now.  For so long I didn't understand how the foods you ate effected you.  I didn't know how your body burned fuel.  Let me make it simple.  Carbs are carbs.  Whether it's from fruit or bread.  It's still a carb when it comes to fuel.   Your body will use carbs first.  Then it will use protein.  And then lastly fat.  If you don't ever use all your fuel from carbs, it will be stored as fat.  And if you continue to eat carbs, you'll most likely never burn your stored fat.  Unless you are some super freak athlete.

I never knew that.  I just figured if I wanted to lose weight I'd just eat fruits and veggies and exercise my ass off.  And guess what?  That worked.  For me.  It may not work for you.  However, last summer I ran a ridiculous amount of miles every week.  Maybe around 25-40 miles a week. With many 18-25 mile runs on the weekends.  And I didn't lose a pound.  Well, maybe it fluctuated.  But I couldn't lose anything based on exercise alone.  Weight loss HAS to start in the kitchen.  And many of those times when I ran, I felt like absolute crap afterwards.  Unless I ate something.

Enter last week.  I had 3 slices of bacon and 3 chicken wings on wednesday, 6 wings and a hot dog on thursday, 2 eggs, 4 bacon, a hot dog and some nuts friday, 2 sausages and some veggies on saturday.  So not much at all.  I felt amazing all week.  No hunger...No fatigue....No brain fog....Hello Fat adaptation.  After 6 weeks of eating keto I finally began making huge ketones and burning my own body fat!  It feels incredible.  I wanted to test it.  So sunday I got up and went on an 8.5 mile mountain bike ride totally in a fasted state.  Came home, made lunch for my family.  Then I went on a 6 mile road ride, still fasted.  Had 8 oz. of chicken and some cheese.  We were at a picnic, I might as well.  Then I rode 12 miles home into the wind.  And didn't eat afterwards.  And I felt great.  I love eating my own fat.

Is it worth it giving up carbs?  YES.  You do NOT need carbs.  SHOW ME THE SCIENCE!!!!  You won't find it.

Which leads me to this question.  Where do you learn about nutrition from?  Where do you acquire your knowledge of what is good for you and not?   Who taught you about what foods to eat and do you know where  they learned it?  And how old is that information?

I encourage you to do your own research on how the food pyramid came to be.  Look up the science behind what foods are good for you.  Or even just ok for you.

Guess what?  It's never going to be a one size fits all.  Everyones bodies are different.  So you will have to actually do a little work on what to eat and how much or little.

If you want a lifestyle change and learn how to finally get rid of your fat stores that you can't lose no matter how much you work?  Look at your food intake.  Chances are you have way to many carbs.

I didn't want to write this much again about keto.  But whatever.  It's awesome.  Oh...i don't really eat that much bacon...it's just easy to make funny comments with bacon.  And people associate too much bacon with not good for you.  LIES!!!!! It's only bad if you eat carbs too.

Term Limits

So....I was going to write about Pastors and Politicians this morning.   You know, those two topics EVERYONE wants to talk about.  Religion and Politics. But I changed my mind.  I don't know what it's like to be a politician or a pastor.  I know that they have their fair share of stress.

The point I wanted to make was not going to be a solid stance on term limits, but rather a desire to help them continue to remember why they started their career in the first place.

I don't know what it takes to become either.  So who am I to offer up an opinion?

Here is my big concern though.  The further in you get, it's easy to start trying to keep a paycheck instead of doing the right thing.

I could be wrong on this, but it seems like when a pastor is hired their isn't much of a previous relationship with the church.  They submit their resume and a selection committee reviews it and determines if the pastor is a good fit.  What if after two years the new pastor starts having to realizations about his or her faith.  What do they do with it?  Especially if it's somewhat of a controversial belief within the church.  Like...is hell real?  Is there really a hell?  Do we let homosexuals serve in the church?  Is the old testament real or just a story?

I'm worried that pastors don't have much of an open door to walk through some of those topics with their congregations.  Because depending on how long the old pastor was there, they might have that congregation trained to believe a certain way.  And I'm afraid that more often than not, pastors don't bring up these topics and just keep preaching a generic message instead of making things potentially more difficult.

I can't blame them.  But then they are left to deal with their thoughts and feelings alone.  And that's not right.  Congregations need to be more open to have their hearts changed about long held beliefs that may be wrong.  In the very least, entertain the conversation.

As far as politicians...I thought they did have term limits called elections.  But I guess many of them don't.  I have no idea.  But as one that serves for the best interests of the people of which you govern, I think it might be wise to work hard to keep your position.  You chose that line of work, so this should be a no brainer for you.  Not just one to earn a paycheck.

Basic Need Providers Deserve Their Basic Needs Provided and then some.

I turned on punk rock music to write this one to.

I was chatting with a friend yesterday who works his tail off as an author and artist in music and video production and also works all but full time at a very busy restaurant chain.  Not McDonald's, but it makes no difference.  He makes less than $10 an hour.  Also trying to move forward in life, find a place to live, and establish himself.  After taxes, this take home is around $1000-1200 a month.  And this is probably the norm for many people in America.  How do you live on that?  Is it possible, maybe.  But figuring it out would be work in itself.

I'm not going to pretend I have all the answers.  But my opinion is that if a company needs someone to work 30-40 hours a week to keep their business open, they should pay their employees an hourly wage that meets living standards for their area.  Whatever that is.  Or offer lots of bonus opportunities for those that want to pursue more work and income.  Many places don't.  And many of these places don't offer a set schedule so the worker can easily figure out hours for a second job.  Throw a kid into the mix and that usually means expensive day care.

This is a very complex topic. So many different variables.  But I think it's safe to say that the places that mass hire people at minimum wage are also the places making the CEO's and owners a shit ton of money.  Which is great, they probably have a specific skill set that put them in that position.  But what if they didn't have all those employees to prop them up?  You'd think they'd pay their employees a fair wage that showed a glimmer of a reflection of their success.  Since without the employees, they wouldn't be making all the money they do.

Another thing that pisses me off is memes like this one.  I don't want to put a value on the people and worth of what they do.  How much money does the position enable the company to make?   Meme's like this imply that somehow someone demanding a living wage is somehow more "entitled" than the ones working as an EMS.  Ummmm, have you seen the charges in the medical field?  They can easily pay the ems workers more.  Have you seen the military budget?  The gov't can easily pay soldiers more money and offer more long term care.  And aren't you the ones that utilize the services of minimum wage workers EVERY DAY?  What if they all up and quit?  What ever will you do?  Where will you buy your food?  Your clothes? All of your basic needs are purchased at stores that pay their employees less than a living wage.   This would result in you needed more time to take care of your family and less time to earn for yourself.  As it stands now, you can just waltz right in and buy your shit and get out.  What if all of that was gone?

I know there is a lot more than could be written and a lot more that begs to be considered.  I'm also not saying just give people a big raise and not monitor their work skills.  Initiate more expectations and requirements.  If someone is constantly late, find out why.  Lazy worker, disruptive or plain disrespectful?  Fire them.  With more money comes more responsibility.  And expect that.  You still think raising minimum will raise prices?  Well, you haven't been really concerned about that yet, have you?

Another thing...the people that say burger flippers don't deserve $12.50-$15 dollars an hour?  Ok.  Then make your own burgers.  Make your own french fries.  Pour your own coke at home.  Stop eating out.  But if you are going to utilize the services of these ridiculous money making companies that can EASILY afford to pay their workers more, pay them the value they bring to the company.  AS WITH ANY JOB.  It's not about what you do, it's about the value you bring and the money you make for the company.

Fundraiser for the Troops?

I was going to wait until the 4th of July to write this, but I didn't want to wait.  Piggybacking on my time in Amway yesterday, I'll share about what we did every summer for our military men and women.

But before I start.  This is my experience.  These are the emotions I felt.  I used to be the guy that didn't say anything that might hurt others, even if it needed said.  I'd just carry that secret, even if it ripped me up inside. So this is me getting it all out.

We were part of a team called DC International.  Most of the people we were friends with were really great people.  But as soon as your success depends on the success of others, there really can't be a close personal connection.  See, it sounds nice.  But if you want to succeed and someone else isn't working out, you drop them.  Or work past them.  You say it's about people, but it's only about people if they help you achieve your success.  This "brotherhood"  it's all bullshit.  It's only brotherhood if you are perfect or in the business.  Once you are out, you really are out.  Again, there are still a lot of great people that I believe tried to do it right and not buy into the whole brotherhood family stuff and try to run a business.  So don't assume everything I say about the whole is always about the individual you may know that's in one of these businesses.  This post may even get flagged because I think at one point I heard one of the "leaders" say they had people scouring the internet for negative info about them and had it removed.  They didn't say if the information was truthful or not, just negative.  I'm sorry, but if you want to be transparent, be transparent.

Anyway...every summer we'd fill shoeboxes full of basic needs for a soldier.  A bottle of "perfect" water, sports drinks, energy drinks, food bars, deodorant, toothpaste and toothbrushes etc.  I'm pretty sure if I recall correctly it cost $40 to pack and ship each box.  Guess where we bought all the product?  That's right, our own store.  So we made money off of filling these shoeboxes.  Let alone the fact we could have filled 2.5x the amount of shoeboxes had we used generic products.  But our troops deserved the best!  Then why did you profit of them?  I loved the fundraisers.  This was my jam.  Collect and raise money to help someone other than me.  I was good at that.  Our small team was good at that.  And we rallied.  It dawned on me that we could take the $15, 000 the 20 or so of us raised and multiply that.  How?  Whoever got the highest percent bonus should buy all the product and use that to buy even more product.  So when we raised that much money, we calculated out how much we'd get back and buy that more more.  So the business volume on that $15,000 was about the same, and we'd get 25% back.  So...we'd buy $3750 more product.  And we did the same thing for that extra too.  We turned our $15,000 dollars into $20,000.  That's 125 more shoebox's.  The numbers may not be exact, but you get the drift.   I think at times the whole team raised anywhere from 75-100 thousand dollars.

What if everyone did that?  What if everyone sacrificed they money they would make off the fundraiser and use it to but more product that would essentially be free?  So I suggested it.  And it got turned down.  They couldn't suggest what people do with their business's.  This disgusted me.  It was one of the first nails in the coffin.  And then they actually even sold the fundraiser by telling people they would make an extra bonus by buying all the product from your own business.  As if we don't already benefit enough from the soldiers who fight for freedom, which they so repeatedly reminded everyone.

Of course, when you are in it you don't see all of this stuff as clearly.  Maybe some things have changed, maybe not.  This was my experience.  And I was one of the more excited ones through this whole thing....

We also did service projects over the Christmas season.  Money couldn't be made of off these and we couldn't always incorporate our products into it.  So they didn't gain as much steam.  I'm happy to report that a lot of my "friends" in the business loved to do these Christmas events regardless.  That speaks.  Thank you.

Why do I write this?  Because I want people to know that things aren't always the way they are sold.  And if you see a fundraiser, it's ok to ask questions about it.

I know for every good story, there is a bad one.  I think there is just as much to learn from both of them.  And it's ok to be transparent.

Pheonix Rising

Not long ago, I was an asshole.  Yes, I've since changed.  I've been up for a half hour so far so I think it'll stick this time.

Just kidding, I already kicked the dog once.

Still kidding.  I didn't kick the dog and I don't think I'm an asshole.  But I was.  Back when I was in Amway and going to an Assemblies of God church.  Now, it wasn't all bad.  But the way I heard them talk about some groups of people from stage certainly played into how I felt about certain people groups.  If you follow my blog, you've heard me talk about my struggles with MLM's and church.  They aren't that much different.  You learn things, some good and some bad.  When we were in Amway, top of the bonus scale, we were touted as a great couple who works really hard.  25%ers.  We had a voice among the people.  A small one, but were edified as a solid couple in business.  And we had to promote these weekend events every three months.  They were fun, I really had a good time at these.  They were great at lighting a fire under you to build your business for the next three months. Oh, these events were huge.  Usually in DC, 8-10k people with a band and lots of speakers.  They talked about God too.  And had a sunday morning church service.  I bought into this.  I'll never forget when my friend, lets call him Harry, went to an event.  He wasn't so fond of God.  And when he heard a religiously motivated story and talk about God providing...blah blah blah, he cringed.  He thought he was coming to a business conference.  Well...it wasn't that exactly.  There was about 3 hours of business advice crammed into 20 hours of talks.  They often talked about the political climate at times and had right wing leaders come do talks.  They also weren't afriad of sharing their thoughts on the homosexual community.  Mostly the older leaders in the business.  The ones everyone promoted and edified.   I even joined in on this.  I condemned gay people to hell.  I ridiculed them and called them an abomination.  Never to their face of course, but I bought into this systematic hate speech hook line and sinker.

I'll never forget when a gay couple joined our business team.  And I was responsible for serving them and helping them get started.

They were the best couple I've ever worked with.  They did everything so well.  Some of the nicest and hospitable people I've ever done a grand opening with.  Then it came time to promote the conference.  I was conflicted.  I didn't want them hearing any of that political bullshit.  Though at the time I could hear it and it wouldn't bother me and I'd get excited about alot of it.  I wouldn't promote it.  I didn't promote.  This was heresy!  Yes, there was weekly meetings too.  And there were three parts.  First for a business breifing.  The second for recognition, the third for teaching.  And then there might even be a nightowl.  Leaders, like us, never left until the very end.  sometimes it was 5 am.  And at one meeting, our last one, we left after the first session and never returned.  To anything. We quit.  We were on the verge of being able to make an extra 50-100k a year.  But we quit.  It wasn't worth it.  For a myriad of reasons, but the biggest one was how some of the "veteran leaders" or legends talked about the current political climate and the gay community from stage.  The latter wasn't often, but it was enough.  We didn't go to the next conference.  I've never looked back.

There was a lot of good things and service projects we did witht these groups, but there were several things that happened and that I saw that pretty much negated a lot of the heart behind those.  I'll share more about some of that later.

Fast forward 5 years.  My views of christianity have changed dramatically and I'm often at odds with the typical Americhristianity.  Especially how they respond to the gay and trans community.  We love you, but.....is the typical reaction.  While there is so much hidden sin inside the church it's sickening. We'll condemn others while we secretely sin.  And then there are the churches that don't really say anything about it.  They might not condemn homosexuality and transgenderism, but they won't exactly except them as an equal member of the church.   This concerns me.  I can give example of example of how every person in the church openly lives in sin. Why make separate rule for only some sin?  I'm not even saying gay is sin.  I don't think it is at all.

But all of the sudden when 100 people are gunned down and 49 of them dying in a florida night club all the churches are softening.  Good.  But the timing is pretty shitty.  And this is just the beginning of seeing people as people.  And it would help if a huge sect of faith that's based on love and and sins being erased on the cross, would actually love everyone with no "buts".  There are actually some christians saying this wasn't a hate crime.

Over the past several years I've met several gay and transgender people and they are some of the most loving, accepting, understanding people I've ever met.  They should be granted all the rights any other person has.  Especially marraige. But the condemnation has to stop.  I don't care what you think the bible says, you really have no idea.  And your ignorance despite your best attempt is no excuse to exclude someone who you think sins differently than you.

What can I do?  What can I do to show my solidarity with a people group that feels hated at times and just wants to be free?  I really can't do much other than be a friend.  But I can be a voice.  I can continue to push for equality.  I can continue to just call people on their bullshit.  Or I can get a tattoo.  And since I wanted one anyway, it seems like the perfect time for a tribute.  The symbolism and story of the Pheonix is awesome.  I love what it represents and the meaning it holds.   A bird that rebirths itself into anew.  Resurrection, protection and new life.  All these things are possible if you want it.  I want to be reminded that even if I am my lowest, I can rise again like the Pheonix.  And in it's grasp, the logo from the Pulse night club where that hate filled man shot and killed so many people.  I'll stand with you.

We don't need to remember the shooter.  His name will fade with dust in the wind...but those lives he took need remembered and they will never be forgotten.

Stanley Almodovar III, 23 years old

Amanda Alvear, 25 years old

Oscar A Aracena-Montero, 26 years old

Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33 years old

Antonio Davon Brown, 29 years old

Darryl Roman Burt II, 29 years old

Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28 years old

Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25 years old

Luis Daniel Conde, 39 years old

Cory James Connell, 21 years old

Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25 years old

Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32 years old

Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31 years old

Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25 years old

Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26 years old

Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22 years old

Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22 years old

Paul Terrell Henry, 41 years old

Frank Hernandez, 27 years old

Miguel Angel Honorato, 30 years old

Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40 years old

Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19 years old

Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30 years old

Anthony Luis Laureanodisla, 25 years old

Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32 years old

Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21 years old

Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, 49 years old

Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, 25 years old

Kimberly Morris, 37 years old

Akyra Monet Murray, 18 years old

Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, 20 years old

Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25 years old

Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36 years old

Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32 years old

Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35 years old

Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25 years old

Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27 years old

Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35 years old

Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24 years old

Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24 years old

Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34 years old

Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33 years old

Martin Benitez Torres, 33 years old

Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24 years old

Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37 years old

Luis S. Vielma, 22 years old

Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50 years old

Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37 years old

Jerald Arthur Wright, 31 years old

I'll show you mine if you show me yours

I'm a little over 5 weeks into my HFLC way of eating.  That's high fat low carb in case you were wondering.  By high fat I mean anywhere from 100g - 400g a day.  Usually for me it's around 200-250.  But I haven't really been tracking for about 2-3 weeks.  Low carb is usually around 10-15g per day.  Protein around 75g.

Why?  To train my body to burn fat as it's primary source of fuel instead of carbs.  As well as experience all the health benefits of ketosis.  WITHOUT using some product to put me into it instead of changing my bad eating habits.  It's not that hard.  You just have to do it.

I hear people say they could never give up beer.  Or bread, noodles, or fruit.  Yes.  Fruit.  You can have some low sugar berries though.  In moderation.  With your standard american weight loss diet, you will lose weight with enough diet and exercise.  You are also probably cutting out a lot of processed foods and counting calories.  You have to work really hard.  Forever.  You  still get sugar cravings and have to fight them constantly.  If you can maintain this, you rock!  It's really hard!  Following HFLC, it was hard for 2-3 weeks till you get your diet dialed in.  But then something magical happens.  If you stop eating and drinking carbs, the cravings go away.  It's not even about will power, you just don't want to eat sweets.  It's incredible.  That's one of my favorite parts about this diet.  Most people think in order for it to work, you have to fight those cravings forever.  you don't.  Just for a few weeks.  And after about 6-8 weeks you will become fat adapted...as long as you didn't cheat.  Then if you do eat to many carbs, you may drop out of ketosis but you losing your fat adaptation status?  That would take many more bad decisions.  And getting back into ketosis is a breeze once you are fat adapted.

Many people ask what my cholesterol is.  What my blood pressure is too.  The short answer, I have no idea.  I called the doctors office to get them checked and they didn't seem to concerned.  So august 4th I'll let you know.  My question is, why are you concerned?  Have you check yours after eating that box of twinkies?  How about your nightly ice cream dish?  How about your instant oatmeal, apple, orange juice and donut in the morning?  Are you as concerned about what YOUR food is doing to your health as you are as mine?  Have you ever considered what that food does in your body to effect not only your physical health, but your mental health as well?

While I think everyone should follow this way of eating, I'm not going to say every needs too.  What are your weight loss goals?  What are your athletic goals?  Do you have any diseases that may be related to what you are, or aren't eating?  Are you sick of all the pills you have to eat to be "healthy", when a diet change might help?  Nothing changes if nothing changes.

If you are interested more in HFLC, listen to people that are experts.  I'm not.  I just listen to podcasts and books about it for 4 hours a day.  But there are several great resources on it.  There are also products that put you into a state of fat burning.  This is NOT nutritional ketosis and will not help you change your eating habits.  Unless you don't care about changing your habits....do whatever you want.  I know there might be a time and place to use such product, but if you are interested in the long term over the short term....skip the products.

What's Your Idol?

You know you have one.  We all do.  Some of us have several.  But none of us really want to admit it.  An idol is typically referred to as something you worship as a God.  What do you we put our effort into.  What is that thing we usually "have" to do everyday that takes away from things that are really important?

                 

I'm not going to start pinpointing all the different things that we place in a high regard.  But you can do a little digging on your own.  Idols, addictions, habits....to me they are all very closely related.  Some of them may be beneficial to you while others may not be.  Some of them you might not think are causing you any problems at all...until they do.  And by then you might have some reversal to do. What about the screen you sit in from of every night?  Can you walk away from that?  I'm not saying it's harmful, but would you be able to not watch your favorite shows?  If not, what is it about it that keeps you around other than you like the story?  

Can you poop without using your phone?  Can you go a day without looking at facebook?  Can you stop eating processed foods?  Can you stop drinking?  Can you stop smoking?  

Again, I'm not saying any or all of these things are wrong.  Or if they are right.  I think it would be a fun experiment to find the things you can live without but use them or do them anyway and try to give them up for three days and see what happens.  Sometimes it may be beneficial to take back control of your life. Set some boundaries.  

Raising Children is Tough.

Yesterday as I was reading more into the ketogenic way of eating, a thought occured to me. What is corn?  It seems like it's put in everything.  But really, corn, it's not even accepted by our body.  It comes out a day later fully intact.  You know what I mean.  We give it to cows and pigs to fatten them up.  It's not a vegetable.  It's not even good for you.  The only thing truly good for you is if you load it up with real butter and salt.

We have warehouses full of food.  Wait.  Warehouses full of food.  Sitting on a shelf waiting to be shipped off to a store where it will sit on a shelf.  Then you will buy it, sit it on your shelf.  And it stays, edible?  It's been sitting on a shelf for who knows how long and we think it will break down in our bodies and actually be good for us?   C'mon.....

Or we'll do what I used to do.  Exercise so you feel like you can eat whatever you want.  How's that working?

And it's not just us.  We feed our kids this stuff too.  I do it, although I'm really starting to get convicted about the foods I feed my kids.  It's one thing to change what I eat.  It's another to change what they eat and expect whoever watches them to hold that diet.  Figuring this out will be difficult.  But worth it.  Because I care about the long term health of my kids and I don't want to have them addicted to biggest legal drug, carbohydrates.  Don't think their addicting? Try quitting them!  You say you don't have too, ok.  Fine.  Still try it and see if it's not an addiction.  There is a reason they are in everything....carbs are soooo easy to make money off of.

So..speaking of long term health for our kids.  I'd venture to say that what they eay and what they put into their bodies is so much more important than if they say "shit" when they stub their toe instead of "shoot".  I'm not advocating kids start cussing, but I know many parents that beat themselves up if the say certain words around their kids but they feed their kids ho-ho's, cheeto's and fruity-o's all day long that does not add any value at all to your childs physical health.  So don't sweat it when you say "damnit!" when you spill your coffee.  You are doing much worse things to your children in what you feed them.

Don't Write off a Champion

Cavalier - A gentleman trained in arms and horsemanship.  Or, having or showing no concern for something serious.  Perhaps that second definition, more associated with term is why the Cleveland Cavaliers have never won a championship.

Until last night.  And what a game it was.  After being down 3 games to 1 and headed back to california, everyone thought it was over.  I remember hearing what LeBron James said, we have to come home anyway.  We might as well come home with a win.  And that they did.  They destroyed the warriors in Game 5.  Though some would say it was largely in part because Draymond Green was suspended because James cried about Green's behavior in game 4.  No.  When you go 73-9 and are the leagues best 3 point shooting team, you don't lose when one guy is out.  Not that bad. You lose when James and Irving both go off for 41 points.

Long story short, when sports writers will probably make a movie about this, the Cavs won game 6 and took it back to California for Game 7.  And what a Game 7 it was.  Tied or back and forth within a shot or two the whole game, and with a minute to go tied 89,  Kyrie Irving dropped a 3 ball right over Steph Curry.  Cavs up 3.  To go up 5, James is going in for the clincher 2 points and is cleanly fouled but goes down hard.  10 seconds left and he isn't getting up.  Clutching his right arm, he does and pulled off a Kerri Strug landing and nailed 1 of 2 free throws to put the Cavs up by 4 and all but clinching the game. But it's the Warriors, but this onslaught in the final seconds was more than they could overcome.

It was nice to see Curry stick around and show some class congratulating the Cavs.  As was as Draymond Green.  To see players who worked so hard come up so short.  No one expected them to lose. But they did so with grace.  At least till they were off camera.  But honestly, those emotions, You can't blame Klay Thompson for leaving the floor immediately.  And as much as I wish James wouldn't have talked about God they way he did.  That's his story.  That's his relationship with God.  And I know from what I hear from those in Cleveland and Akron what James does for the young people there.  And if this championship inspires them and enourages them to go for it and helps James continue his philanthropy, who is to say it isn't God working in him?

Well done Cavaliers.  Well done Golden State.  You couldn't have asked for a better way to end the season.  Unless you are a Warrior fan.  But hey, you were 73-9!  That's incredible!

There.

There has been two days over the past week when I didn't want to write.  But I got up anyway and did it.  Today is one of those 2.  Not sure why.  My head isn't in the right place.  So here is my obligatory post.   I don't even know why i feel like i have to say that.  but i do.

Another thing.  when someone opens up.  and shares how they are feeling.  and doesn't ask for advice.  you don't tell them why the feel the way they do, how to fix and it's their fault.  I understand this is hard for some people.  But don't be the jerk I used to be.  Just say...i'm sorry you feel that way, that must really be difficult.  Is there anything I can do to help?

Have a great day.

Where is your Song?

Opening up Game 6 of the NBA Finals, the entire crowd sang the Star Spangled Banner.  It was started by someone, and she put her mic down a few words in.  It was moving.   It made me think about when the lyrics were written.  By Francis Scott Key on September 13 1814 while being held captive on a British boat negotiating for the exchange of prisoners.  He had heard of the attack planned on Fort McHenry and was not permitted to leave with the prisoners before the attack.  So he had to stay, and watch the devastation by the light of the rockets red glare.  It was a war.  So many people died.  Does anyone even remember that stuff when they sing this song.  Do they remember the grave history and all the blood shed for our freedom here in America?  Or is it just an intro to a sporting event?  I wonder how many people think sporting event instead of sacrifice when they hear that song?  Sadly, too many.  But I guess that was the goal, huh?  To fight so we could play games and stuff.  

What about the song "Amazing Grace"? Written by John Newton while working on a slave ship.  He was one of the most profane men.  He even created new words to be even more profane the ordinary person.  So next time I say fuck shit up, or something else profane, know that my words could be just as special in the future as John Newtons Amazing Grace is now.  Do you even stop to think about who wrote this song?  The most profane and vulgar slavetrader you'd ever meet.  He was on a ship during a storm and was so moved when he survived he wrote this song.  He was back and forth with God for most his life and this event tipped the scales towards the divine.  Did he stop slave trading?  FUCK NO.  He murdered and tortured people!  He threw humans overboard just because he didn't want to keep them alive.  Sick, disgusting things.   He may have avoided profanity, gambling and drinking, but the emotion for amazing grace had nothing to do with conviction of his slave trade, it was because he survived a harsh storm.  Still upset with my f bombs?  Get over it, your favorite christian song was written by a guy who used worse ones.  So don't get offended, get over it.  I bet you are more upset with me saying fuckity fuck fuck than you are that your favorite christian song was written by one of the most brutal slave traders.

 Over the next few years John Newton grew empathetic towards slaves and did go on to become a pastor and a strong abolitionist. So yes, you can sing this song with the same meaning that you feel when you sing it now.  Though he didn't change immediately, over time he did.  But let me ask you something....

Where is your song for the slaves? 

Why is their still racism and race issues in 2016?  

Where is the song for the Native Americans we flushed from this land? 

So many things that people forget.  So many things we do just because we've always done them and not giving a second thought to.  Maybe John Newton changed...but have you?  There is still blatant racism inside of church walls today and it needs to stop.  There is all kinds of hatred towards various people groups.  And it needs to stop.  

Shit this was a hard one to write.  I'm just a white dude sitting in the lap of privilege.  What have I done with that? 

They All Fall Down

Two things today.  In Game 4 of the NBA Finals Draymond Green must have been jawing all night because it got to LeBron.  And because of that, Green was suspended (it's about time, his reputation proves this was a long time coming).  Warrior fans were brutal to James in Game 5.  Posters of James with a pacifier in his mouth.  Several well respected friends of mine who tote Steph Curry as a stand up, class act, never screw up dude were trashing LeBron.  Calling him a whiner and a crybaby. Whatever.  Haters.  :-).  The guy may get a little whiny on the court, but none of us know what's going down there.

Oh.  But wait.  What happened to Curry in Game 6?  Throws his mouthguard into the stands?  Whines and cusses out the ref?  Because he got fouled out?  Who's whining now?  Who's the class act now?  YOU ARE THE MVP OF THE LEAGUE.  You threw your mouthguard into the stands.  You might as well spit on the fans.  That's disgusting.  And you can't even leave gracefully.

That all being said.  Both James and Curry seem like they are great role models.  How much trouble off the court have either of them gotten in?  None as far as I know.  Both exceptional athletes and sportsmen.  Both MVP's.  Now we have a Game 7.  I just wish people would stop picking apart how players respond on the court to fouls and questionable calls.  Their adrenaline is high, the competition is fierce.  Put you in their shoes...you'd probably shit your pants.

Looking forward to Game 7 of the NBA Finals on Sunday night.

Prey or be Killed

So I saw this meme this morning.  And like all memes...I must dig.  Facebook memes are like the Twitter of Facebook.  Say your point in 160 characters or less.  When the prey is armed the predators think twice.  Makes sense.  But I would think that crocodiles are pretty armed.  Antelopes have horns.  Oh, and a rhino, hippo or wild hog? I'd say they are pretty armed too.  But yet a lion still manages to kill and consume these animals.  This predator does think twice, that's why they are so successful.  Or maybe they don't think twice, they just know how to successfully attack and take down their prey.  A porcupine is not invincible.  And often times they do end up dying when attacked by a predator.  There was one mountain lion who successfully killed and ate a porcupine.  It was even a small lion, 40 lbs.  But after a few weeks, they lion was found dead of internal injuries.  The porcupine, though dead, still managed to fight back.

I don't think the answer to violence is arming more people.  I don't know what the answer is.  But if we arm more people, more people will die.  I guess some of that more people would be guys that would kill more people. So you kill one to save some.  Where do we stop with that? Kill everyone that texts and drives?  Or at least take their car away.  I'd be totally in favor of impounding ones car if they get caught texting and driving.  You know every time you pick up your phone and text when you drive you are a potential killer.  You could very easily murder someone.  And I will call it murder, you know the risks.  Anyway...not the point of this post.


Point is, it's a stupid meme.  At least pick another picture.  Because a lion also successfully kills and consumes crocodiles, rhino's, hippos (which are VERY dangerous and could bite a lion in half), and wild hogs.   The lion can do this because the lion is smart.  It has nothing to do with the prey being armed or not.  And if were were to all be like the porcupine, we'd have to wear full body armor everywhere we go.  The porcupine is set up only for defending itself and not others.  And it only works when the predator comes into close contact.  It can't fire quills through the forest to save itself or another.  A porcupine has armor that bites back.

This has been another meme takedown by me.  Have a nice day everyone.

MLM's and a Decision

Along my journey into the ketogenic way of eating, I find myself at a crossroads.  Let me say that over the past month I changed by diet severely.  It was worth it.  Totally.  I do not crave sugar, bread, noodles, beer, whiskey, or wine.  Seriously.  No hype.  All of those were my favorite items to consume.  And I don't eat or drink any of them anymore.  It was hard for a week or two.  Three for the sugar because I used a substitute.  But now, none if it even tempts me.  You might be thinking that's not cool, you like that food.  Well, when you switch over to a new way of eating that gives you a lower appetite, weight loss, lowered triglycerides, increased HDL (the good one), reduced blood sugar and insulin levels, improved blood pressure, and some serious improvements in mental clarity it's hard to miss those old foods.  Few things are as well established in nutrition science as the immense health benefits of low-carb and ketogenic diets.  And who doesn't like a bacon wrapped cheeseburger topped with avocado to help them lose weight and get healthy!!!!

I know, you are confused.  You've been told fat was bad for you by the government.  What else have you been told by the government that isn't exactly true.

It sounds like I'm selling a product.  I'm selling a way of eating that's totally free and no benefit to me.

It is a tough diet to get started on.  Some people experience the keto flu.  As your body transitions from using carbs for fuel to fat for fuel you'll feel it.  Those effects go away.  Knowing you'll lose your belly fat helps through the process.  Me?  I shit a lot for a few days and got a headache.  Nothing out of the norm at that time.   But the keto it is enough to get people to not even try! No problem, you just don't want it bad enough.  And that it is fine.

And some can't get past the food restrictions but won't believe me when I tell them those feelings will pass.   If you do keto right, you won't have cravings for sugary starchy food.

I'm not one for shortcuts.  I don't want to cheat.  If you "hack" and get the same results, all you did was cheat the system.  I'm not a huge fan of that.  Or should I be?   The keto diet has GREAT benefits.  So what if there was a way to put yourself into a state of ketosis to burn body fat?  Scientifically and keto expert backed?  Well, I've been approached by a company to promote that product.  I did some research and the product looks good.  But I'm still experiencing some PTSD from my time in Amway.  I vowed never to do MLM's again.  Why?  When I promote the keto diet now, it's for your benefit.  Because I care about you.  I want you to do the work to be fully pleased with yourself for doing it.  If I push a product instead of the work, it becomes about you...and me making money.  I'm not that guy.  I have no problem making money of me, I do it for a living.  In 15 years of painting, I've spend maybe $750 in advertising.  I don't promote myself.  People come to me for work.  I don't sell.

But I'm considering this business.  Because I know the benefits of ketosis.  I did the hard work to get into it.  I'm doing the research and reading on how to continue it.  It is kind of complicated figuring out how much fat/protein/carbs to eat based on your body type and goals.  Maybe this product  would make it easier.  

NO. JUST NO.

I don't want to promote cheating.  I want you to feel like you earned it.  It would be like tying the record for an athletic event knowing you are taking (legal)performance enhancing drugs against others that are not.  Would it mean as much to you?  But hey, if you don't mind feeling that way, I have a product you can try to experience keto.

Maybe.

But I absolutely can't stand the cheesy mlm lingo and hyped up motivational sessions all designed to get you to buy more product. It's all about the money.  I don't care what they tell you.  Every single one is about the money.  And even if it isn't, no one believes when you say it's not.

I'm still wondering if I could make this product available and not be that guy.  I don't ever want to be that guy again.  EVER.  I think I could do this and not be that guy though.  Would a blanket...hey, if you need some help with keto, I've got something.  But it costs money.....be that guy?  I don't know.  I don't know if I'm willing to risk it.

Another benefit of this product is for keto friendly fueling on long bike rides or runs while you are becoming keto adapted.  Maybe that could be my primary market, with the secondary those wanting to try the keto way of living.

My biggest struggle, is because I know how beneficial this way of eating has been for me.  And I want others to experience it.  

Thoughts?

Oh, but our idol is ok.

On the heels of why I'm growing more and more disgusted about the "Christian" culture in america, I bring you todays post about churches and christians allowing their members and friends to continue in a sinful, idol worshipping lifestyle.  If I seem like I'm mocking and joking, I am.  Because this tone is how people feel about this holier than though attitude you tote. Granted, not all churches are like this.  And if your church isn't like this, change your name to remove the word "church".  A friend of mine said a few days ago it's easy to criticize the church.  Yeah.  Too easy.  That's the problem.  I'm criticizing out of love though.

Lets talk about your nuts.  Your doughnuts.  And your pizza parties.  And your pot luck dinners.  And your cakes.  How about all the cookies you give to new visitors?  And all the breakfast, lunch and dinner meetings you ask your pastor to go to.

Food has become an idol.  Food is now the centerpiece of the community.  If you don't have food, it's like people can't talk to each other.  Oh, but I'm oh so glad you offer gluten free wafers at communion.  Well done, good and faithful servant.

Does a Christian baker refuse to sell a cake to an overweight person?  Nope.  Do they keep the the dessert table closed from people at the pot luck?  Nope.  Do they even say anything about the health of the person that is overweight?  Nope.  Guess what.  I don't either.  But we should.  Or maybe we shouldn't.  I want to be careful here.  I know some overweight people.  And honestly, I wish you weren't.  Not because of how you look.  But I know it's not healthy.  I've struggled with my weight for a long time.  I've gained and lost over 150 lbs over the past few years.  At times of my life I'd eat and drink whatever I wanted with no regard to what it did to my body.   I care about how you feel, both mentally and physically.  I know that studies show genetics might be a role in obesity, but that doesn't mean you can't change your eating habits and do some exercising.  That being said, if you love food and want to eat whatever you want, it's your decision.  Even if you know it's not good for your health, YOLO baby!  I, nor, should anyone else treat you bad because of your choice to eat whatever you want.  

My point.  The church seems to have no problem feeding peoples idols.  Food for many people is an idol.  An idol in the sense that they have a hard time controlling their eating habits. Despite their best efforts, within a week or two there will be a picnic or dinner at church and they'll be faced with temptation.  Churches might as well have a full bar at their next dinner.

So why does the church have a problem accepting the homosexual lifestyle?  I have no idea!!! Clearly they engage in all kinds of behavior that is also deemed unacceptable if they really want to get particular.  But why the attention on this one thing? It's enough.  And the fact it took 100 people to be gunned down in the BIGGEST HATE CRIME IN US HISTORY for you to start to change....

Spiderman Crocs with curls effects you not. Let it alone.

First off, my title will suck for this one.  Second.  I'm going to nail two things.

A few weeks ago my son got spiderman crocs.  They are hideous.  They are huge.  They are clunky.  They are just not cool shoes at all.  So I would appreciate everyone saying to this kid wearing these crocs that they are cool shoes.  If you do, I will buy a pair in your size and expect you to wear them.  They are anything but cool shoes.  Stop lying to him.  He likes them, that's all that matters.  Just like me, I will wear whatever I want on my feet.  You don't need to comment.  Thanks.

My son also got a haircut a few days ago.  I was told that when he was at church one of his teachers was mortified that his curls were gone.  Albeit, she wasn't really mortified she just really liked his curls.  Hey, he doesn't style his hair for you.  So keep your opinions to yourself.  How about just noticing his haircut?

In both of these, they happen all the time.  It's implied that our opinion matters of what someone else does or doesn't do.  If they ask for it, share it.  If you want to inquire or comment, do that.  Ask when they got said haircut or shoes.  Ask if they like it.  Ask what they like or don't like about their new style.  Take some time and learn about the other person.  It doesn't have to be about you.  We need to stop acting like what other people do has a direct effect on us.  Sure, sometimes it does.  But when it comes to someone else style, it really doesn't.

Which brings me to my next point.

Christians, why does it still matter to you if gay is a sin?  Are you still going to need some time to process it all?   Does two dudes marrying each other really effect your life in any way or not?  While you are making everything about how you feel about it, over 100 people were gunned down in a night club. It was an act of hate.  It was an act of terror.  This "gay" night club was the intended target for being just that, a gay night club.

Well Christian, that cares so much if it's a sin or not.  I was the gay hater.  I used to assume and vocalize that they are an abomination and will burn in hell.  That was me.  But then I started praying for the opportunity to evangelize to that community and they would have open hearts to hear the message of the gospel.  Guess what?  Through that, my eyes were opened.   I was the one that heard the gospel.  I'm sorry about who I was and how I acted.  Now I have several lesbian, gay and transgender friends and I love them dearly.  And many of them look more like Christ then some my christian friends.

Even if you are a christian and you think it's sinful.  Until I hear you posting on Facebook how much you sin, because you do, every day.  Until I hear about you calling out all the sin inside your church.  Until I hear you talking about the sins of your friends and family, publicly.  Until you publicly share all your own sin, Shut up.  Nobody wants your hurtful hypocrite opinion.  Sorry I'm so hard on your christian people.  But I was one.  Still am, kinda.  I just experience Jesus a little different now.  When you get to meet Jesus, do you think he'll commend you for taking a stand on sinful behavior?  Or do you think he'll be pissed that you didn't love people?  He already took care of that sin thing, so you trying to do the same is like a slap and spit in the face to Jesus.

What would Jesus do?  He would love and embrace those that are hurting.  He wouldn't see sin, he beat it already didn't he?  DIDN'T HE?  So when people are hurting and broken, all they need to feel is love.  Jesus died and rose to defeat sin so you wouldn't have to worry about it.  Love Him, Love people.  That is all.

100 families need to feel loved right now.  Families all across the country and world need to feel loved right now.  Loved ones are lost day in and day out.  It's times like these that I could do more for those effected.  But I guess that's kinda what I'm doing.

I'm going to take the tweet popularized by texas governor.   He got backlash by it, as he should.  I don't know this governor, but when I read the quote I imagined he was speaking to the shooter.  Learning about the governor and his track record this wasn't the case.  Whether he intended it to be evil or not, I'll take it and make it good.  And I'm going to speak to the shooter, the hateful christians, the hateful anyones..."Do not be deceived, God cannot be mocked.  A man reaps what he sows."  When you hate, when you are evil, and when you claim all these things in Gods name when in fact you are not god, you will reap what you sow.

Grace and peace to all those families who have lost loved ones. My heart mourns with you.

Factory Reset

Did you ever wonder what it would be like to have a factory reset?   I do.  All the time.  I wonder what life would be like had I been born to other parents, or in another part of the world.  Think about it.  Even if you were your born into your neighbors family.  Think about how much different your life would be.  Pretty crazy huh?

So don't think for a minute that as a parent you don't have much of influence on your children.  Most of us know we do, but assume that among all of their friends and other influences that we won't affect them as much as everyone else.  Wrong.

Parenting is no joke.  You are shaping young minds for the future.  I know I could be doing better.  But I'm also working very hard to get my shit together.  Are you?

So many people need therapy.  So many people need therapy and they have no idea the need therapy. I'd probably have killed myself a long time ago without therapy.  It really works.  Have you ever wondered why you do some of the things you do?  It's most likely not just because you are fucked up.  It's most likely because it's a conditioned behavior from how you were raised...or not raised for that matter.  And guess what?  You can recondition that shit.  Guess what?  If you don't, it will infect everyone around you.  Including your relationships, your spouse and your children.

When I unpack my childhood with my one of my therapists (yes, i have had a few), I find it easier to find empathy for parents.  Because, at one point, they were children too.  And had parents.  Parents, that probably unknowingly caused a large amount of phycological trauma in their lives too.  And if you don't know how bad it was and began a family of your own, it's so hard to change.

But even if you had a great childhood.  You still develop a way of living and expectation of family.  And sometimes even that still clashes with someone who wasn't raised the same way.

That's all for these thoughts.  I'm probably not the best guy to try to elaborate on how we were raised effects us.  It does.  And it sticks around for awhile.  So when you say, I'm this.  Or I'm that.  And even in the things you think you believe in deeply, like, christianity for example.  Do you?  Or was it part of what you were subjected to as a child and  you never really embraced who you are and what you actually believe.  Or that there may be something totally different.  You can make you.

Next time you are feeling down and you think you can't change, you can.  You just have to want to.

100.

Oh.  This sucks.  I thought today was the 100th blog post on my website.  It's not.  It's actually going to be 145.  Only 100 on the year.   So I got up extra early today 4:15 for nothing.  I was going to write a long story about how I told off an old man yesterday.  But since it's not my 100th blog, I'll tell it anyway.  

But first.  A few updates.  I love love love the ketogenic way of eating.  Perhaps I'll start a blog about that.  It's not a diet.  I think the most problem most people fail at diets is because that's what they call them.  Diets.  Diet seems to mean, a short term eating change until I've lost an amount of weight that I'm happy with.  And then I'll start incorporating my old favorite foods back in once I've established healthy habits.  How's that working out for you?  

Those that have decided to find a totally new way of eating are the ones that see continues results.  This is why it's important to find one that's important to you.  So far, following a ketogenic way of eating I have lost just about over twenty pounds, I feel better, I have more energy (now that I upped my fat intake), I sleep better, I have to buy new clothes, I'm down to a brand new belt hole, I don't crave sugars or bread or pasta, and so many other benefits.  I eat a high fat, moderate protein and low carb diet.  I am a fat burner.  All the dangers regarding this diet are total bullshit.  Don't listen to the haters.  Do your own research.  It makes sense.  The Paleo Mom article she wrote was based on studies of children being treated for epilepsy that were forced into a ketogenic state by being fed fake protein shakes and purposely being starved.  Hardly credible for determining the credibility of a true ketogenic diet.  For more information about the Keto way of eating, I recommend the book "Keto Clarity" by Jimmy Moore.  Or any of his podcasts.  Oh, I was serious about losing all the cravings for sugar.  Gone.  Not even on the radar.  My depression and other mental health issues still bug me. But the mental clarity is definitely getting better.  And the ability to go extended hours without getting hungry because you are eating your own ketones is very cool.  

On March 15 2016 I started getting up at 5:30 every day to write.  I haven't missed a day yet.  I love that people read this.  But I don't do it for you.  Well, some days I do.  But most days it's still for me to get up and get things off my chest.  I do want to, at some point, create a blog that's purposeful and has a theme.   The title of the blog is "Stories of Secrets".  It was changed to that from "Thot's o' Life" after someone told me that "thot" has a different meaning.  So I changed it.  

Stories of Secrets was/is intended to be just that.  Stories of Secrets.  SOS.  An international code of distress.  Save our souls.  I want to take input from all of you.  What do you want to read?  What do you want me to share a view on that you can't.  I get emails from people saying thanks for talking about things.  Because they can't.  If they did, their friends, family or co-workers would be either upset or disappointed in the way they think.  So they are glad to hear that they are not alone in their thoughts.  And so am I.  I would love to post guest articles.  Written anonymously if you so choose about something you need to get off your chest.  If you can't do it publicly, it may help to get it out in some fashion.  You are welcome to do that here and I can assure you, you're identity will remain concealed.  Let me know if you are interested.  I'd love to give you a platform.  

I would eventually love to do a podcast.  Podcast's have been so influential to me over the past few years.  Some of my favorites in no particular order, You Made it Weird with Pete Holmes, The Bad Christian Podcast, Don't Feed the Trolls, This American Life, Ted Radio Hour, Keto Talk with Jimmy Moore and the Doc, Intelligence Squared US Debates, The RobCast, Break it Down with Matt Carter, The Liturgists, Ask Science Mike, The Moonshine Jesus show, That God Show, and a few others.  Wow.  I listen to a lot of podcasts.  But I also have a good amount of time during the day to do so.  

I have the equipment to do a podcast.  Maybe someday.  This is long.  I didn't even get to the old man story.  I'll save it.  

Hold the Music

Or don't.  I love music.  So much so that last summer I redesigned my garage for the sole purpose of recording music. Not for anyone else to listen to, but for my own personal fun and enjoyment.  In my mid to late teens I was in a Punk Rock band with some friends and it was some of the best times of my life.  I would go back to that time.  And take some of my life today with me of course.  But if anyone asked me if I wanted to go play in a punk rock band again, locally, you bet.  In a heartbeat.

On the flip, I don't know anything about music theory or how notes work and all the names.  I just mess around with the notes and find something I like.  Then I remember it and play it.  Coincidently, this is how I do a lot of things actually.

But I do know music incites emotion.  Imagine any movie without music.  It would not be nearly as dramatic.  But I would enjoy watching it for the experience.  Have you ever imagined a soundtrack in your head to your own life? You could probably play a whole movie using nothing but music and it would great.  No dialogue needed and I bet you'd be just as moved, if not more.  You can project what story and language you want on the characters.

Music is used EVERYWHERE that a desired mental state is more beneficial to both the listener and producer of the music.

This is also why I hate music.  No, not music.  How it is used.  To manipulate.  To lead people to a certain emotion or feeling. There are times when I don't want a produced feeling.  I want the real thing.  Sometimes I'll break down and cry during a song simple because the music moves me.  Praise Chorus by Jimmy Eat World did that to me yesterday.  The bridge at the end.  Crimson and clover, over and over.  I'm on my feet I'm on the floor I'm good to go...Come on Davey, play me something that I know.  I want to feel like part of this was mine.

Wait. (this is an in the moment breakthrough in my own head.  This isn't even what the song was about).

Did he just say, I want to feel like part of this was mine?  This is exactly how I feel about the emotions I feel when music is playing.  Are they real?  Are they mine?  Or were they produced?  There is brain science to this.

So STOP playing music in church.  JUST STOP.  I used to do it.  My friends still do it.  Worship music in the church is huge.  A huge money making industry too.  But all it is designed for is to take you to a place in your mind.  To set the tone.  To manipulate.  This is what music does.  And don't get me wrong, it's not always bad.  In fact, it's quite good.   But you know what I don't want?  A manufactured Jesus experience.  I want the real deal.  I want to feel real God emotion.  Not an emotion inspired by vibrations from a string.

You could say maybe God uses the music.  I don't want no stinking maybes when it comes to God.  People base their whole life around Jesus.  The way they live, the rules they keep.  They even try to influence others based on these beliefs.  What if you're wrong?  I don't want no maybe it's God.

I believe God is big enough to reach people where they are.  In the moment.  No influences needed.  Is God not?

If God indeed does move through people, which I do believe that happens, why are some people assholes for God?  People that hurt in the name of Christianity.  To those people that were hurt by people, wouldn't God show up in their life?  No music, no fluff, no manufactured emotion.  Just that person in their hurts and pains and God.  IS God big enough to do that?


I'm still waiting for that God. Or maybe we are God.  Maybe music is God.

Maybe.  it's always fuckin maybe.

Ding Dong Dickheads

Last night it was around 10:45pm.  I was watching the Cavaliers obliterate and dismember the Warriors in Game 3 of the finals.  It was awesome.  It very well may be their only win of the series.  The Warriors looked awful.

All of the sudden I hear an abrupt knocking on my door and see the motion light come on and small gray hooded blur take off of from our front porch.  It took a moment to register what had happened.  I decided to pursue.  I arose from the couch and chased him half a block and was gaining.  But it would take a while. Then I heard a noise behind me and found his two chums behind me.  Thank goodness, because I was determined and I was unfamiliar with terrain going any further.  Stubborn me would have continued.  They immediately apologized profusely and looked scared.  I didn't have my speech planned out.  So I said something stupid like "Don't knock on doors and run away"  in my stern pretend to be mad but I'm not really mad voice.  It is quite intimidating.  They both denied it was them and it was their friend who was running.  Called me sir..etc.  I told them to tell their friend running that didn't have any balls, that I would have caught him and that I run faster than all of them.  I also told them I might call the police.  As I started to walk away, my lack of preparation really showed up.

"DON'T FUCK WITH ME!'  I boldly stated as I walked back to the house.

Before I got the door I realized what i had done.  I put a big bullseye on our house.  Or they really did get scared and will honor my request.  But in a moment I became Old Man Marley.

This is on the heels of two other local boys chatting me up last weekend while my son and I were on a bike ride to the creek asking about a bike the one was riding.  It was a piece of junk BMX bike.  He asked what I'd done if I saw a bike leaning against a tree in a public place for a few weeks. I told him it doesn't matter what I would do, because he's already riding the bike.  Am I right?  He nodded.  He said his parents are making him put it back but he doesn't want to.  I thought about it and told him to write a note and put it in a plastic bag and staple it to the tree.  Let it say something like...To bike owner, I have your bike.  It was outside for awhile and I didn't want anyone to steal it.  So I took after it and made sure it was safe.  If you want it back, call me....

He didn't get it.  He told me he wouldn't know who to give the note too because he didn't know who's bike it was.  After trying to explain he didn't have to know, he just has to leave the note where he found the bike.  He didn't get it.  So I said the bike may be stolen and he should put it back.

It was then I remembered the old bmx bike that I was given to fix up with a kid I was being a mentor to several years ago.  That project never transpired, so I offered the bike to this kid.  I tried to tighten up the brakes and pumped up the tires.  And off they went a few hours later.  And a few hours after that I get a knock at the door.  It's his dad, wanting to make sure they didn't steal another bike.  I assured him I had given the bike to them and saw a wave of relief on the face on one of the boys sitting inside the truck.  I hope the dad didn't immediately accuse him and yell right off the bat.  They are only children, a time ripe for teaching and not yelling or accusing.

So I must find the ding dong dickheads and teach.  I don't want them to be afraid of me, or treat my house as a target.  I want to let them know that I'm not mad and understand the temptation to have a little excitement.  Well, they got their excitement last night.  But I also want to let them know that the reason it's not a good idea is that we have two young children and a wife who just started a new job.  Sleep is important.   Respect of others property and space is something I always valued.  It's not going to be hard to find the 3, 12-14 year old boys.  They ran in the direction of their house.  And there is only about 5 to choose from.  Maybe I'll go knock on doors tonight around 11 and look for them.

I'd love to share some tips, like don't run in the direction of your house.  Run the other way.  And don't walk under motion sensor lights.  And that this is not the time of history to knock on doors and run.  You never know who is going to get up and come after you.

Thanks for reading my story.  It's all true.

F

I write about those questions no one wants to talk about often.  Like questioning the church and christianity.  I make generalizations sometimes too.   I'm often critical of churches too.  And really, I may be speaking about a small minority of churches.  Why?

Because I get emails every day of people thanking me for talking about the stuff they want addressed and the questions they have but are afraid to talk about it or ask it.  

Wait?  Afraid to share your opinion about something?  Afraid to question something?  That's oppression.  It's hard when you have something that pains and haunts you and you can't talk about it.  I can't imagine the ache to get out what you have hiding inside.  Well, I can actually.  And it's not pleasant.  Why do you think I write every day?  To get this stuff out of my head.  

Sadly, there are some things I can't get out of my head.  They come and go as they please.  And my response is simple.  Hide.  Try to become invisible.  Isolate.  This is my depression. 

I used to respond to people or at least wonder why people that suffer from depression can't just laugh.  Why they can't just fight it.  I know now.   

My way of fighting?  Just fall asleep.  Disappear for a spell.  And hopefully it will be better in the morning.  And it often is.  It's a soft reset.  

Why write this?  I don't know.  Maybe just to let others know that struggle with depressive thoughts, feelings or maybe you deal with depression daily, you are not alone.  But it's hard to even care about that when it has you.  But if you've made it this far, you are stronger than you think.  So, chin up.  We got this.  

Some Gay, and not so Gay Thoughts.

I continue to read lots of articles and thoughts in mainstream Christianity about the homosexuality and transgender communities.  I just wanted to share a little bit.  This was actually part of another writing that I did this morning, but I decided to share my thoughts here as well.  I appreciate those people that have inherited this gay is an abomination mentality and are trying to right the ship and flush that toxic thinking that they got from their parents or church.  I want to extend a little grace, because it's hard to flush old ways of thinking out.  Keep flushing.

When did all relationships come down to sex?  Do you not have very close intimate male friendships that aren't physical?  And when did sex only become about reproduction?  Did you only ever have sex with your wife twice?  Because if it was only about reproduction, you'd stop when you were done having kids.  Right?

As far as the disorder...Yes.  Some things are disorders and they are also illegal.  Like pedophilia.  In todays world, a young child can't consent and it can be very damaging psychologically.  So the perp goes to jail.  And I can't stand those that wish death and hell on the perp either.  Shame on them.  Where is the hope for recovery and change so it doesn't happen again?  And a lot of those threats come from....you guessed it, Christians.  They spend more time wishing harm on the perp than they care about the repair, recovery and healing of the one who was molested.  In fact...the victim is rarely mentioned at all.  More care needs to be given to the victim to help them, instead we see people called for the head of the perp.  As if that's going to bring healing to the one who was abused.  However, pedophilia was quite common in history. It just wasn't pedophilia.  Daughters were being given over to marriage at 12 years old.  And they didn't know any different.  It was normal.  In fact, even kids today are primed and ready to procreate as soon as they hit puberty.  But we as a church culture tell them to wait until they are married to have sex.  We shame them for masturbating and looking at porn.  They could be waiting 10-15 years.  I get it though, in todays culture, kids aren't expected to grow up that fast.  But nobody told their bodies, that God created, that.  I'm not advocating for kids to start marrying and having babies at 14.  I'm just stating thoughts.

Depression and Anxiety, if you want to live your life enjoying that stuff....have at it.  If you want to cut yourself because you like it...have at it.  I don't know a single person that has any of these problems, embraces them, and loves them.  If they do, that's awesome.  Just don't harm others in the process.  Guess how many people are harmed by someone being gay?

I can't fathom being with another man in a monogamous committed relationship either.  Just like I can't fathom being in a monogamous committed relationship with any of the hundreds of thousands of females out there other than my wife.

And I bet you if you talked to anyone...gay or straight, 90% of them were neglected and or abused as children as well.  Many of them just don't know what neglect or abuse is.

Did you know that 2 years ago I started seeing a therapist.  They asked if I had a traumatic childhood.  I said no.  Of course not.  I hadn't even thought of my childhood as traumatic or difficult at all.  It was just life.  I had an alcoholic father (who was on again off again with AA and has since recovered).    But then I began unpacking some of the stuff I went through.  After 15 minutes, my therapist told me that most likely the things I deal with today are from PTSD.  Yeah, it's not just for soldiers.  I had no clue.  She said the way I grew up was incredibly traumatic.   I'm not gay.  I know lots of gay people that had a great childhood.

Here is the only science I care about.  Some people are born with a brain that doesn't match their parts.  Or some kind of mix up like that.  It's very real.  It happens.  There are lots of men that exhibit female personalities.  Lots of masculine personalities in females too.  Things aren't always cookie cutter male/female.  There is more to your gender than just a dick or a vagina.

Why do so many christians care so much about gay?  Seriously?  Do you think God cares that you have the lock down on what the science is behind being gay?  I think if a christian that stood against gays and a gay person showed up in heaven at the same time, God would embrace the gay person, apologize for the treatment they received from christians and welcome them into eternity.   And to the Christian....I'm sorry, who are you?  In the meantime, LGBT people have real hurts and real pains that just need a friend and someone to stop judging them and trying to figure them out.  They aren't a science experiment.  Why do we need to be right or have an opinion about why they are the way they are?  Are they hurting you?  Are they causing harm for other people because of their gayness?  NO!  Most people are already hurt, confused and ARE BEING ABUSED BECAUSE THEY AREN'T THE SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE.  And they just want to be loved and cared for.

Seriously.  Someone who is trans or gay wants to just live their life.  They want to be normal and even find someone else who loves and accepts them so they can spend the rest of their SPECK of a life with, why do christians need to get in the way?

There are SOOOOOO many other harmful behaviors that christians don't even bat an eye too.  LIKE ALL THE SEXUAL ASSAULT, RAPE, AND ABUSE OF POWER that happens and is covered up inside of churches.  Churches in our very community.  That's just for starters.

And how about all the fat people in church that don't take care of their bodies.  How about all the fat kids in our churches.  IS THIS NOT CHILD ABUSE?  Feeding our kids loads and loads of unhealthy foods resulting in long term health problems?

So before people go gay hating or trying to figure it all out.....Why not take a look at the plank in our own eye?   If you take all of time and put it across your outstretched arms...we are but a microscopic sliver on the edge or your pinky finger.  But we have to understand gay?   It's getting downright pathetic.

How big is your God?  Because when christians make big deals about this stuff...it makes god look pretty dang small.  Pray for God to help you love people.  That is all.  And just Love them.  God will sort out the right and wrongs.  God will convict people of the areas they need to address.  Did God appoint christians to be the conviction agents?  If you don't believe that God is big enough to work through you loving and accepting someone just the way they are, just be an atheist.  Cause who would want to believe in a God that doesn't work though love?