I'll never forget the time I brought up something controversial on Facebook. But let's put yesterday behind us and move on. Just kidding. I'm learning how to Facebook and I'm learning how to life. But it was several years ago. It was one of my cousins that accused me of "trolling". I didn't know what trolling was. I don't think she did either. I just brought up something serious that would bring about different responses because I'm interested in talking about the real stuff. And people were getting heated. That's not me...that's on them.
I'm also not one to follow the norms. I was in a punk rock band. I dyed my hair, got piercings and just wanted to be a little "different". I also went to church and loved Jesus. Don't see a punk and assume they are all out to cause trouble.
Then shit hit the fan at home. Well...it had been hitting the fan all my life. I just didn't know about it until I was a 14 year old kid. And the fan turned up to high when I was around 16-17. I'm going to share more about that journey in a later writing.
Over the next few years I'd become known for doing things a little different. Not really wanting to just do what everyone else does. Not major things, just little things. Some people would accuse me of doing things just to get a rise out of people. My intent was never to cause trouble. But I guess when you do things beyond the norm, people notice. And some people aren't happy with that.
I could give a variety of examples. I'm sure my wife could give plenty more.
About two years ago or so I took my shoes off. And didn't put them back on. You know how many people aren't huge fans of that? Lots. 95% of the time, everywhere I went I was well within my legal rights to be barefoot but lots and lots of people had big problems with it. They would let me know and the majority of the time....things didn't turn out so well. I won't say they were right and I know I didn't handle those confrontations well. But I learned a lot. I still support going fully barefoot anywhere you choose. However, I often slip on flip flops going into public spaces because I can't stand dealing with assholes that don't know shit proper foot hygiene and health, and laws regarding footwear requirements. I became known as the barefoot painter. And before too long my feet became a source of attention. Crooked toes and all. I hated it. Why do people feel the need to comment on footwear or a lack of? Before to long, that's how people greeted me. Hey Jon! Where's your shoes? Did you forget your shoes? Whoa Jon, you're wearing sandals! It got really annoying. I just want to wear whatever I want to wear. And now that I started wearing whatever makes me comfortable, I can't get away from the comments about wearing shoes or sandals now. I still believe being barefoot is best for the health of your foot and legs. Not many were really interested in why I was barefoot. Here's why I did it...you want the truth? At some point in my life someone told me you had to wear shoes. And then someone else told me you didn't. And that was cool. I was finally free to expand my wardrobe by getting rid of something. And there is something therapeutic about running barefoot. It had nothing to do with bucking the societal norms. And when that's what it became, I didn't like it. I didn't like it one bit.
It was then I realized, what else have people told me that I just bought into and believed without question?
At a family dinner a man had cut his ham in half, placed it in two roasting pans and put it in the oven for dinner. His daughter asked why he did that. He said Grandma used to always do it. Next time they were at Grandmas house, she noticed grandma making ham. Grandma put it in the roasting pan and slid the whole thing right into the oven. She went to get her dad and told him that Grandma was doing it wrong. Dad asked what the deal was and explained that he thought you had to cut the ham in two pieces to make it right. Grandma replied...."I cut the ham because our oven was smaller back then and it wouldn't fit all in one pan, but two smaller pans fit in the oven better." We have a bigger oven now and don't need to do that.
How many things have you been taught that aren't the only ways to do things? How many things in our world are that way? That we have "normal" and if anyone bucks the system they are only trying to cause trouble or shock people. Or maybe they are just trying to fine their own normal. After 20 years...I'm finally finding my own normal.
This is where the blog post takes a turn. It gets real. And it gets serious. Vulnerable.
Just kidding. Not today. I'm not ready.
Let's stick with shock. Deep inside, I don't do things to piss people off even though that might be the result. Or maybe people aren't upset. Maybe I'm the one that's upset. Maybe I'm the mad one. I was always the one that took a confrontation to the next level. I am the mad one. I am the one dealing with past emotional trauma that I've been suppressing. Thanks to a loving and patient wife, therapy, proper diet and exercise and a few really good close friends I'm discovering who I really am. In 20 years I've never been me for me. I've been trying to be something for someone else and often times I didn't know who that someone was. I believe my wife sees the real me at times. My close friends see the real me at times. I'm looking forward to that being more of the norm. Writing has helped.
I'm going on close to 3 or 4 months of writing every day and posting it on Facebook. I like it. But at times I wonder if I should.
Hearing from some people saying how grateful they are for what I'm saying is helpful. But I don't do it for that. Although it's nice to know people resonate. I started this for me. For a release. And I need to be conscience of why I'm continuing to do it. It's not that I don't want to connect, I do. I'm just trying to find my normal.
These words hit me today. There is a void in my life. A piece missing that I don't think I'll ever be able to get back.
Mama, come here
Approach, appear
Daddy, I'm alone
'Cause this house don't feel like home
If you love me, don't let go
If you love me, don't let go
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Mother, I know
That you're tired of being alone
Dad, I know you're trying
To fight when you feel like flying
But if you love me, don't let go
If you love me, don't let go
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
Hold, hold on, hold onto me
'Cause I'm a little unsteady
A little unsteady
- X Ambassadors
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