Behavior Modification for Eternity

This morning I picked up some food from a local cafe.  When I got back in the car where my son and daughter were waiting, my son had that look.  That look that he had done something wrong.  He was in his car seat, what could he have possibly done?  He told me that Anne was going to tell on him, so I asked her what he did.  She didn't know.  Perplexed I had thought about giving it a rest, but I wanted to teach him to tell the truth.  He did own up to calling her a name.

At this point there is no use getting upset with him.  He owned up and told the truth to something that I otherwise would have never known.  I asked if he thought it was a good decision and he said no.  I asked what his punishment should be and he told me he'd lose his kindle or Netflix.  I told him that I wasn't going to do that but that name calling wasn't nice.

But I really got thinking.  What if I caught him in the act?  Whether it was name calling, hitting, lying or whatever.  I've punished my kids by taking their kindle or grounding from Netflix before.  But what does that teach them?  Don't get caught doing this because you'll lose your privilege.  They don't often learn the "why not".   I know we often try to teach empathy, trying to get the child to imagine what it would feel like if they were called a derogatory name.  Or if they were the ones being chased down and eventually hit.  But we usually still take away something from them.  Or we make them do extra chores.  What if instead we just taught them empathy?  And if they fail to do their daily chores we take away their privilege. Makes sense, no contribution no withdrawal.

It takes me to this thought of the afterlife.  It's almost a direct correlation. It's like our actions are tied to where we go when we die.  I speak from the Christian perspective, even though I don't really consider myself a typical "Christian".  We were taught in church that Jesus died for your sins and all you have to do is believe in him and you will have everlasting life.  Accept Jesus.  Raise your hand, come down front, whatever.  And then we hears verses like faith without works is dead.  And we spend all our time questioning if our decisions and actions have anything to do with our eternity.  What if I have another drink, will I go to hell?  What if I smoke or swear?  Will I go to hell?  What if I ignore that homeless man?  Will I go to hell? What if I feed the homeless man?  Will I go to heaven?  Like somehow our actions are tied up our status in eternity.  We lose the true nature of doing good for humanity.  I have to do this or not do this to earn my spot.  And we lose sight of doing good things and loving others because that's just the right thing to do.  It's behavior modification.

It's easy to modify someone's behavior.  Super easy.  I'm a pro at doing that.  But it doesn't make for a good relationship.   It leads to fear based actions.   Consequence based behavior.  It's not exactly bad.  The desired effect is achieved.  But you lose the love.  You lose the reason for doing the good thing in the first place.