Parenting is hard work. Especially when you feel as though others have a watchful, judgmental attitude about how you are doing all the time. I used to be the guy that saw parents on their phones or reading or anything other than watching their kids when they are at the park and the kids are inside the fence. I'd be the guy that couldn't understand why they weren't watching everything their kids are doing. I now have two and the park is a great place to let the kids run free and you can have a little break.
You know who's a good judge if a parent is on their phone too much? The battery life on said phone. And their own self.
Or when a child is crying and the parent or both parents aren't giving the child the attention that you think they deserve. Well...You have no idea what the rest of the day was like, or the rest of week. You have no idea the relationship between parent and child and the behaviors of the child. You probably don't know what it's like for one of the two parents to go help their child and have their child scream at them because they didn't want you. You have no idea what it's like to be the only parent and have the child scream at you because they don't want you. So sometimes we parent just let the kid cry. Especially if the only reason is they are crying is because they are tired and they wouldn't listen to their parents and went and climbed up on the playground anyway. So before you cast your judgmental eyes of disgust at the parent....think. You know how much more like shit you made that parent feel? You have NO idea what it's like.
How about try this tactic instead. Especially if you know the child and the family... Remember, this situation is all hypothetical.
Jon - "Yeah, she had a long day. Only took a short nap while I held her on the couch while I had to pee. We told her not to climb up there. She's safe. She's not hurt. She's refusing me, only wants her mommy."
Person - "Ok. That must be hard for you."
Jon - "Yeah, it is sometimes. When you love someone, cater to all their needs, and still refuse to acknowledge your existence 80% of their waking hours when others are present."
Person - "Shit, that sucks. It must make you feel like a failure as a parent."
Jon - "Yeah, sometimes. But I also know she's young. So I try really hard not to take it personally and do what I can in those 20% of the time I have where she likes me. Did you know she resorts to hitting and kicking now when I try to help her when she only wants mommy? Yeah, that's really hard too."
Person - "Damn, and you have two of these kids and you've already been through it once already? How did you handle being a Mommy's Hairy Helper for so long."
Jon - "I love my kids. I want to the best for them. I get so fearful of the long term effects of what we do now that I often come across as having ridiculous expectations and controlling. I really don't and I'm really not."
Person - "yeah, I'm not gonna lie. I have thought that about you."
Jon - " I can't blame you. Parenting is hard. You second guess all your decisions. And you really have to turn the switch of that cares about what other people think about your parenting. That only adds to the stress."
Person - "Wow. I never really thought about it like that."
Jon - "Most people don't. However others that have been through the parenting journey understand a bit more about the stresses I have. They put up with what seems like high expectations more. And if I get frustrated with them or my kids. They extend a little more grace and I appreciate that. They know. We're like a club. It's kid thing.... And I always apologize if I act a little erratic. There's always a root emotion of, I love my child but have no idea what I'm doing."
Person - "It must be really hard when people that don't have kids shoot nasty glances at you that almost beg to criticize how shitty they think you can be as a parent."
Jon - "Yeah. It is. But I also know what it's not like to have children. I also know what it's like to want children and not be able to have them. We struggled with infertility for 4 years. I used to see what I thought were shitty parents all the time. All I wanted to do was yell at them for taking their precious gifts from God for granted and people like we would gladly take them. But I was wrong in that thinking. So I get it."
Person - "So what you're saying is, that it's not right to judge someone based on a small portion of what we see of them."
Jon - "Bingo. Which is why I don't get to upset when someone shoots me that stare. I know they also have emotions running through their mind too. And maybe even some from their childhood that they are dealing with. Who knows?"
Person - "That's a good thing to remember, everyone has a story."
Jon - "Yep. That's why it's important to not judge to quickly. So when people start to move towards unrest. Start to get unruly. Start to respond to recent situations in ways that don't seem reasonable. It's time for people that have more experience in emotions to understand that they are only trying to communicate a message and don't know how. Some people don't see that. Some people just shoot nasty glares at them and think they aren't doing the right thing. What people need to do is come along side them, just like you did and as what's really going on. People could learn a lot from you. I really appreciate you talking to me about how I feel when my daughter treats me like shit instead of just casting judgment on me and telling me to suck it up."
Person - "Thanks! I try to be sensitive. And I've really learned a lot from you about how hard it is to feel like you are second class to someone else. It can feel like a jail. You do so much for them but get no credit or respect. That's got to be incredibly frustrating. Unbearable even. I can see how it would lead to so much frustration that you would go downstairs and break things. Maybe even slam a door, or punch a door."
Jon - "Yeah....I'm not proud of that. But I'm still working on my emotions too. Some of my brain wasn't developed well when I was younger on how to handle strong emotions either. I'm really trying to learn about how the brain works so I can help my kids deal with their emotions easier."
Person - "Oh my God. I'm thinking about all the race issues going on in our country. I think I understand now why the black community is so upset! They are like the dad that gets the judgmental eye from a stranger, only multiply that by about 10,000."
Jon - "Yeah, I think you could make an analogy there. Though, I don't know that being playing second fiddle to mommy is that bad."
Person - "Yeah, better make it times 100,000."
Jon - "Sounds good. And you know what. I'll even go one step further because there might be people listening our conversation that really like police. They can be judged unfairly too."
Person and Jon take a moment to embrace and celebrate the incredible conversation they just had in about 5 minutes. The child is still crying. She'll be alright. She's just tired. Person went to talk to the child about how awesome Daddy is. Thanks Person, I really appreciate the understand and support.
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