I wish I had more time for this one but I spent way to much time reading Facebook comments this morning. But I did read one....That inspired me to write this. Let me tell you a story....hypothetical situation....but not uncommon for many people. I'll use myself as a narrator, telling the story as it was me.....
I threw a small desktop fan onto our kitchen floor last night. I was hurt, angry, frustrated, and disrespected. I felt like a monster.
I used to go from calm to angry in about a second. Over the past several years and more advanced therapy over the past few months, I've been able to share my emotions more. Thus not producing this kind of accelerated response of rage. Parenting experts call this lid flipping. We all do it. It just comes out in different forms. But 2 times in the past 4 months this has happened. It's usually happened every week. So I'd say some awesome progress has been made. This reaction...I'd like to say comes from never feeling like you had a voice. Never feeling like you were listened too. And then one day...you flip. You can't contain the frustration anymore and you just have to break something. It's never a person...never. Unless they engage physically....that happened once. Bad move. Usually it's a wall, a door, throwing something....punching bags don't work, they don't break. pillows don't work, screaming doesn't work. It's scary. Not only for those around you for yourself too. And as soon as that release happens...you see that think breaking....you know you fucked up. And then you feel worse. Then you feel like a sorry excuse for a person. Why would anyone like you. You monster. You should leave. Where do I go? I have no where to go. Nobody wants me. Even if they say it...they are only saying it out of fear. It sucks. It really does. But anyway.....for this person....
Last night I wanted to put my daughter to bed. She had a rough night with not getting her way and maybe some struggling parents trying to set new boundaries. Mommy had got her teeth brushed and I was going to read her a book and lay her down. Well...despite several days of loving on daddy, she really wanted mommy and let me know by screaming and kicking. I got her pjs and calmly told her that mommy already said good night. And I was putting her in bed...more screaming and kicking. She just flipped her lid. So I told her it was time to to sleep and put her in her crib. Calm...cool...collected with all intent to come back in after I peed. When I return from the bathroom a few short minutes later, my wife was in the bedroom singing and consoling her.
This is when I flipped my lid. Pretty sure this is from 4 months of trying to bottle emotions inside thinking I can handle them. And you can...with enough practice. This can take years. Now, before I continue let me say that my wife wasn't doing anything to hurt me. Of course not, she cares so much for our daughter. She heard her crying and wanted to calm her down. We can discuss later if this was the right course of action or not. Clearly...you know what my thought was about it being right or wrong....
I went downstairs after denying the invitation to come in and sing along. Saw the fan on the counter and destroyed that fan. It was incredible. I really showed that fan. Immediately I grabbed the broom and swept it up. We had kids in the house, wouldn't want them to step on anything. Then the wife came down...and I unloaded. "You have no fucking clue what it's like when I try to so hard...so damn hard to be a great dad. I try so hard to be a good dad for my family. I handled her screaming like a champ. I was going to go back in, sit with her on the rocker and sing to her to calm her down like I've been so good at lately. You have no idea what it's like to always be second fiddle to mom. Sometimes even 3rd and 4th fiddle to grandparents too. Nobody wants to hang with daddy. It reinforces that I am a total sack of shit. And then....you swoop right in and be the hero. You steal the opportunity I have to be their for my daughter."
Of course...my feelings are totally true. Every one of them. And I'm right. feelings can't be discounted just because a person is intense.
You know how my wife responded this time..."I'm sorry, you're right. I have no idea what it's like for you."
And that was that. It was over. We did it. Ten years and we are finally getting it. I say we...but this one was mostly her. Situation diffused. I felt heard. My emotions were validated.
She didn't go in because she thought I was a bad dad. She didn't know I was planning on going back in. Could she have asked me...you bet. But she didn't. She thought she would help calm our daughter down, knowing that I wasn't the reason she was upset in the first place. Our daughter wasn't mad at me...she just wanted mommy.
We still have a lot of work to do. I'm really glad my friend....allowed me to share this about some inner details of his life. Because I'm sure others can relate. And they need to know they aren't alone in their struggles. And that those intense "break stuff" reactions...i guess you could say you are trying to paint a picture of the inner destruction that is happening from your emotions.
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