Religion. What is it Good for? Part one.

Absolutely something. Something? What thing?

There are things happening that stem from a religion.  Like the work my friends do in Haiti.  And many others all over the world.  Although there are some that do missions work wrong in the name of religion, this family, in my opinion is doing it well.  They have also developed relationships with other organizations who are doing amazing things to add value to the lives of others.  You can read about the group here.

I've known Matt and Julie for over 20 years.  Matt, even as a youth, was always extended a hand of help to those that were often overlooked by others.  He pushed the limits of what the church would commonly do to help the least of these.  His love for people had no boundaries.  Now a unified couple, Matt and Julie with their (3) children have taken that care to Haiti.  Some of the 70+ other children that they care for on a daily basis are in dire need of new mattresses.  They are looking to buy 30 new mattresses.  Some of these kids have been using the same mattresses for over 8 years.  And when I say use...often times three or four kids sleep on the same twin mattress, perpendicular to the length.   Life in haiti is hard.  When I say hard I don't just mean difficult.  I mean hard.  Everything is concrete or wood.  There is no soft grass so sit on.  There is no carpet.  It's all VERY hard.  Having a nice mattress to sleep on is so incredibly refreshing.

I believe many hands make light work.  I know they do.  I also know at least 100 people are going to read this.  And I also know that those same 100 people often read this everyday.  So there are some people that regardless of if you agree or disagree with some things I write about, you still read.

So I urge you, this GIVING TUESDAY, head over to the FGO donation page by clicking anywhere on this paragraph.  Find the drop down box and click on Giving Tuesday 2016.  100 people giving $30 would all but knock out this goal.  I'll start.  There's my proof.  What a great Christmas present it would be for these kids!  

Religion. What is it Good for? Part 2.

Yesterday I shared about some friends of mine doing some amazing things that were inspired by their faith.  Let it be known though, that I believe without a doubt they'd do it whether God was real or not.

On the flip side there are these ways religion can be incredibly hurtful.  I was involved in two conversations this week that stemmed from having a belief in a certain value.  I will not go into great detail on what started these conversations, but you'll get the idea.  And I also want to say that by no means am I claiming absolute truth here.  The is where I've landed at the current moment.

A friend of mine was taken to conversion therapy as a minor.  His parents wanted him to get some of the homosexual tendencies and same sex attraction cleaned up. By cleaned up, I mean reversed.  Yeah, there are places that do that.  Though he was forced, he was open to it. Simply because why not trust your parents?  Long story short, the therapy didn't work.  In fact, it was highly traumatic.  It may have made a manageable situation even worse. These types of therapy "treatments" don't work so much that after 37 years even Exodus International (a prominent conversion therapy organization) offered an apology to the countless numbers of people that were harmed and viewed negatively by the organization.  They even went as far as urging churches to create an open and welcoming environment to this demographic.


This conversation started when talking about how Mike Pence wanted federal funding to go to centers that supported conversion therapy.  As far as we know, he hasn't changed from that stance.  So Mike Pence wants federal funds to go to something that is already banned in 5 states and is proven to have potential long term psychological harm.  Got it.

But on the other hand, Mike Pence wants to defund Planned Parenthood.  He states that conservatism starts with the commitment to the unalienable right to life.  So long as you are straight I guess.  Perhaps I'll dive into what a hyporcritcal stance this is in another blog.  Not today.

But this got me thinking.  Why is homosexuality viewed as wrong?  Everything I read comes down to what is said in the bible.  Religion.  What fuels this intense push to have this "pro-life" all babies be born come from?  Religion.  It seems as though most of this pro-life attitude stops once the child exits the womb.  Life consists of more than just birth.  W

I've come to learn things aren't so black and white on this stuff.  And so many other people that once thought the way I did are doing the same.  I used to be the guy that condemned gays to hell and thought all abortion was murder.  I've since met a few people outside my bubble that shared their stories.  I've stepped away from confirmation bias.  My minds been opened.  I'm glad for that.  But when I see examples of who I used to be, it hurts.  My religious viewpoint, hurt people.  In fact, I would venture to say that my religious viewpoint, hurt many more people than it helped.

Powerless and Embarrassed

kinda like this.  with a blazer. 

I remember the first SUV I ever bought.  It was a '93 Chevy Blazer.  It was probably in 2002.  I took it to a little spot where I could try my hand at some off roading.  I had no idea what I was doing, but I had an suv and 4 wheel drive.  There was a light blanket of snow on the ground, it was about 2 hours from dusk.  I was doing good and on my way out and there was a small mound, more like an oversized speed bump.  I started to ascend the bump and my front wheels started peaked and started to go down the other side I heard some scraping and next thing you know I was sitting on my big speed bump like a seesaw.  Front wheels kept spinning in the air and the back wheels couldn't find any grip on the frozen ground.  I tried for an hour to get myself out.  It was fruitless.

My buddy came in and tried to pull me and it wouldn't budge.  There was nothing I could do.  I had to call a tow truck and he lifted up the front of my truck with his platform so I could back down.  I was embarrassed, for sure. I was powerless in that moment and there was nothing I could do.

This is sort of a habit of mine.  I tend to do things myself and don't ask for help.  Even if I find myself in a jam, I try to get myself out.  I'm usually very successful at fixing my mistakes too.  I have my theories on why I've come to be this way.  At first, it's a matter of survival.  You don't think anyone is there for you so you do things on your own.  You adapt. And then over time, your brain gets rewired into that being a normal behavior when it doesn't need to be.  And quite honestly, can be very harmful.  It can seemingly develop into thinking everyone is watching your every move making sure you are doing it "right".  Often times you fail to see that they may be watching you because you are very good at what you are doing and they are learning from you!  You can develop incredible talents and if no one has ever affirmed your excellence, you'll always feel as though you are inferior.

Having someone in your life from a young age to guide you in life is incredibly helpful.

It's not easy to try to go through life by yourself.  You try to make the best decisions without really knowing what the best decision is.  And then any outcome you are the only one to determine if it's good or not.   Overtime, you find yourself with VERY high standards.  And it may lead to avoiding any situations where you don't really know what you are doing. Or you save those for when you are by yourself.

Yeah.  I went to see a psychiatrist a week and half ago.   This is the short version of how I lived.  I could give so many examples of this type of negative behavior.   And just like the time I went to see a therapist for the first time about two years ago, it only took him a few minutes to realize that I had been doing so much damage to myself and not taking seriously the things that were going on inside my head. I didn't want to be on medication.  But damn it feels good to think clearly.

If you can't seem to shake things in your head, please go see someone.  It's so worth it.  For you.

One Play is all You Get

Yesterday was an exciting day in College Football.  I'll admit, I'm not a huge fan of it.  I'm rather ignorant of how the money works and the perks the players get etc.  It seems like a lot of fanfare and money making off of kids who are incredibly talented and want to play their favorite sport.  They don't get paid right?

I understand this is complex and multi-faceted.  I know how I feel but I don't have much evidence to back up why I feel that way.  And I don't know that I have the time to sit down and really share that right now.  I remember watching Clemson this year and they televised the entrance of the team into the stadium.  I have no idea if they do this every home game or not, but it was the game against Louisville.  The drove the team in buses to some sort of main entrance.  It was huge.  Longest and craziest entrance I've ever seen.  It was a production.  The fans were cheering the players were jacked out of their minds and all I could think of was how much money the football program is making.  From souvenirs, concessions, TV revenue, Ad revenue, ticket sales and so many other sources.  I would assume most of the players have full scholarships.  A few of them will gain great notoriety and have a great shot at playing in the NFL.  But what about the supporting cast?  The back ups, the second string, all the players that are needed that may not make the NFL?  Anyway...rabbit hole.  Like I said, people write books on this stuff and not all situations are the same.  Lots of more experienced people know better about this stuff.

But yesterday, Michigan vs. Ohio State.  Jim Harbaugh sure wasn't happy about the call on the field in the 2nd overtime.  He blamed the whole loss on shitty officiating.  No, it wasn't the 3 turnovers they had.  It wasn't the two missed field goals by Ohio State that he didn't capitalize on.  It was the lousy officiating apparently.  He was steamed.  Furious.  His behavior reminded of NFL coaches and athletes.  Oh wait.

What is college football about?  Learning?  Sportsmanship?  Study of the game?  Or is it only about winning and championships?  Sure teams want to win.  Sure players want to play their hearts out.  But it's only college football.  If you are player and you lose, you learn from it.  You study film.  You get back out there next week or next year and try again.  Right?  But for the school and the paid coaches....they've got much more at stake.

What's the goal of college athletics?  Is it about the students participating?  Or is it about our entertainment and pride in the school?   Sincerely asking.

What did I learn from Jim Harbaugh yesterday?  Just like people, a game should not be defined by a single play or one blow call.  There was 60+ plays in that football game.  They all matter.  EVERY DOWN MATTERS.   Let's make sure we don't define the entirety of ones being by one decision or action they make.

Today....you can enjoy the NFL for what it is.  A giant money making entertainment enterprise.

Like Soft Silvery Glow

Late fall and early winter in South Central Pa is one of my most favorite times of year.  Especially the mornings.  Not just any morning though.  The calm, cool and crisp ones.  When the frost is covering everything giving it a soft silvery glow.  The air is still and the isn't too frigid.  The earth is lit well before the sun comes up.  There are no shadows.  There isn't any blinding light.  It's mornings like this I wish the sun would never come up. (no, not in that way)

Something about the peacefulness that the morning holds.  When the sun comes up and makes it's presence known, as does the hustle and bustle of the day.  Shadows creep in. At times the light of the sun can be blinding.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could carry the calm and peace with us for the rest of the day?  Let us remember to look at everyone the way we look at the soft silver glow of a frosty fall morning.  That we don't judge them entirely by the brightness of their good moments or the darkness of the shadows.  May we learn to know people for the entirety of their being.

Before you start your day or even if you are in the middle of the day, take the next 5 minutes and breathe.  If you can go to a place that brings you peace, do it.  If not, think about a place that brings you the most peace, close your eyes and take 6 deep breaths and relax.

Navigating Black Friday Like a Boss

Over the years I've gotten really good at Black Friday.  Really good.  I get exactly what I was looking for at the prices that I'd like to pay.  I'm sure you want to know my secrets.  I do all my black friday shopping at a grocery store.  They don't have huge sales there.  It's usually really empty.  Especially on friday morning.

I took some time this morning to learn the origins of black friday.  While there are lots of rumors that have to do with slaves being sold at a cheaper price after thanksgiving, this seems to be largely false.  In the 1950's there was a rush of people that would come a day early to Philadelphia for the Army Navy football game held every year the Saturday after thanksgiving.  Police in Philly could not take the day off and had to work long hours working on traffic and crowd control.  Local stores would be flooded with tourists and it would leave them open to some easy shoplifting.  And all the police were tied up there wasn't much that could be done about it.  They began calling this day Black Friday.  Over the years the stores tried to change the name to "Big Friday" but it never stuck.  It wasn't until the 80's that Black Friday became a positive thing when they described the title as turning their profit column from a negative (red) to a positive (black).  The more you know.

I've never understood the logic of black friday shopping.  If you are one of those people that love shopping and just go out to have fun, fantastic.  I'm sure you can find good deals.  But for those going out to specifically save a lot of money on one or two items.  How much money do you have to save for it to be worth it?  $50? $100?  And do you really need the item to begin with?  If you did really need the item, I would assume that has value.  That paying the normal price would be worth it.  So you didn't have to stand outside and wait for hours, your time is worth something too.   I'm not judging, I'm sincerely curious.

I might end up going to Lowes today, or maybe target to get a couple strands of Christmas lights.

Went to Field and Stream on Tuesday and picked up a couple things for deer season.  I got a hard shell gun case that was 50% off and sling for my rifle that was %30 off.  The store was empty.  The majority of the sales had started already.

Is Black friday slowly going away?  I know many stores open up on Thanksgiving day now.  But is the whole Black friday shopping experience falling by the wayside because stores are offering the sales and discounts throughout the whole week?  My guess is they want people coming in anticipating to buy a ridiculous amount of stuff.  More than if you'd casually stop in.

If you do go shopping, have fun.  Don't get trampled.  Be kind to fellow shoppers.  And enjoy your day.  Don't forget about giving tuesday next week as well.

Calling an Audible and Wishing You a Happy Thanksgiving

I was almost done with a blog a few minutes ago when I heard my son upstairs.  He was up early.  Why?  He threw up in his bed.  My first thought was a stomach bug.  But he's had a runny nose all day yesterday and the stuff was mostly water and snot.  Sorry...not sorry.  So hopefully that's all it is and he can keep some food down.  I guess we'll find out.

It was really good too.  I'll probably try to finish it at some point.  It wasn't about thanksgiving.

So for today, Happy Thanksgiving.  Whatever this holiday means to you.  Let's just say, I love spending time with the family.  But then I think about why we celebrate.  And I just get depressed.  I feel helpless.  You can't just ignore what happened in this land.  So here....

But seriously, enjoy time with family.  

Chemicals. Food. Brains. Should be a Book.

There are whole books written about this topic. 

This one is going to be a challenge.  I'm a little afraid to write it because I'm not sure I'll be able to communicate it correctly.  But let me start by linking to this article that I saw this morning.   Let me say as well, I only read this article.  I didn't go digging to far into Alina Rayne's lifestyle now.  But apparently she's got quite a little bit of a following on social media for ketogenic living.   I reached out to her to ask her a few questions and will update this when she responds.

I hope in some sick twisted way she can thank her ex.  Because ultimately, she may not have found this incredibly new lifestyle.  At least in the way she did.  I also should note, nothing he said was true.  His comments about being ugly and that no one would want her were awful.   Sounds like he was a total asshole. But she actually had two unhealthy relationships.  That chump and the one she had with food.  She turned to food for emotional reasons.  Many, if not all of us, do the same things.  Hell, I still do.  I've just chosen different types of foods to do it with.  Is it better, yeah.  But the behavior of going to food to help you feel better isn't necessarily healthy.   EDIT*  I spoke with Alina and she said her ex was abusive during the whole relationship and was the reason for the weight gain to begin with.  His treatment of her caused her a great amount of stress and trauma and she turned to food.  She was thin before she met him.  So no....she doesn't need to thank him at all.  

Haitian coffee.  When I visit Haiti and have a fresh pot brewed and a cup poured it is a joyous occasion.  Sipping that coffee on the porch of wherever I am staying listening to the sounds of the town.  The brooms sweeping the floors, the dogs barking, the roosters crowing, horns honking and people talking.  It all plays into how that coffee tastes.  I'm even imagining that in my head right now.  I can vividly remember almost location of each cup of coffee I've had in haiti.  Even know as I sit, the emotions are flooding back to me.  But when I make that cup of coffee at home, it tastes like shit.  Same coffee, same brew method.  So do I like the coffee that much, or do I like the experience and how it makes me feel? 

Food produces chemical reactions on our brain that do so much more than just telling us if we are full or not.  And some food doesn't even tell us that.  Our gut health effects our brain health in so many ways.  The neural transmitters that send info to our brain go right through it.  So if our gut health isn't well, neither will those messages. 

Back to Alina.  She was overweight.  She knew it was starting to effect her health.  So she made some changes.  This is from the article.  

"When I was severely overweight I had very high blood pressure, 

the beginnings of type 2 diabetes, polycystic ovary syndrome, 

left ventricular hypertrophy, severe anxiety & panic attacks.

Now they are all gone after nearly 7 years of keto which makes me feel great."

I've heard of people reversing these symptoms much sooner than 7 years.  Some as quickly as 7 weeks.   

I'm super stoked for Alina's lifestyle change.  It has nothing to do with her size.  

What I'm trying to get at is that it's not about how you look.  It's about eating habits.  I'm not even going to get into today how shitty the food industry is.  They are out to make money and don't give a damn about your health.  

Here's what it's about.  If the current trend of obesity continues it could add 344 Billion dollars to the nations annual health care costs and account for more than 21% of health care spending.  We already spend $1.5 trillion in medical costs associated with chronic diseases such as diabetes, heart disease, and cancer.  TRILLION.   I've read enough about the ketogenic diet, paleo diet and otherwise "clean" eating to know that cleaning up your diet helps treat and prevent many, if not all of these things.  There are so many more studies just like those as well.  You want a health care reform?  It starts in the grocery store.

Please, please, please don't misunderstand me.  All this has nothing to do with appearance.  It has to do with all the effects of the chemicals and nutrients we put in our bodies.  A person should not be defined by what size pants they wear.  Healthy is not a "size".  Especially when it comes to brain health.  

It's about food and dieting again.

I have three main topics.  Religion, politics and dieting.  Dieting is it today.

Let me start by saying.  Losing weight is hard to do.  There are so many different aspects to losing weight.  It's not as simple as eat less and exercise more.  In fact, that's probably the most difficult way of losing weight.  I know the struggles of working really really hard to have the diet fall apart on me.

The best way to lose weight and keep it off?  Change the way your brain responds to food.  I'm going to write about that tomorrow though.

Might as well talk about fasting today.  I'm in the middle of another extended fast.  Currently about 36 hours into 84.  I said I'd do 3 days at first so I'm giving myself the option at 72 to have some food.  What a great time to do it, right before thanksgiving too.  But right now, 36 hours in, I'm struggling.  I forgot that I don't sleep well during a fast.  I'm thinking I might need some more water.  I probably didn't drink enough yesterday.  

Why do I do this?  Because fasting is the best way to burn fat, In my opinion.

If you are just joining me on my blog experience, on May 13 I started a Ketogenic diet.  I eat less than 20g of carbs per day.  My primary fuel source is ingested fat or stored fat.  I started at just over 220lbs and am now down to just under 190.  That thirty pounds took a little less than 3 months to lose and I've kept it off since.   I've never been able to do that with a diet before.  I've done 3 other diets in the past ten years.  Every time I had lost around 30 pounds.  But then I let up a little on what I could eat and then I let up a little more.  And then eventually...every time...it all came back.  So far with this one....it's not come back.  But if it does....I'm not concerned.   Why not?

Simplified version here....when you eat food your body uses it as fuel.  It starts with Carbohydrates.  Your body stores carbs as glucose in your blood first, then your muscles.  If you use up all the glucose in your blood, you will run of the stores in your muscles.  When that runs out, your body is forced to burn fat.  Being in fat burning mode is a state called Ketosis.  I've been in it for 6 months.  I use fat/protein for fuel.  But the same thing happens, if you ingest fat, your body will use it for fuel first.  What happened for me was, over the past few weeks, I haven't been exercising enough (foot injury) to use up the fat that I ingested.  And I love me some meats and cheeses.  So I'd been snacking (which you don't have to do while on keto) and I saw my weight start to creep up by a couple pounds.  No worries though, after 36 hours I'm back under 190.  Healthy?  Absolutely.  I'm a fat burner.  I'm not starving.  I eat myself.  That's how our bodies were designed.

But really, I don't need to fast.  I don't have a weight problem.  I'm in the best physical shape of my life.  Other than a foot injury....

I'm fasting to cut the snacking out.  I would argue that food is much more of a drug to anyone today than it is for nutrition.  I constantly eat.  If you saw how much fatty foods I eat, you'd be pissed.  You'd think I should be huge.  But eating fat does not cause you to get fat.  In fact, eating fat causes you to lose fat.

Think of it like a fire.  There's wood burning, that's fat.  Throw a piece of paper on that fire and that fire is going to burn immediately.  That's how carbs work.  As soon as you introduce carbs into your diet, you will use those for fuel instead of your stored fat.  Well,  why can't you just eat a low fat diet.  No.  Science has proven low fat diets don't work.   And have you ever tried low fat food?  Tastes like that paper you threw on the fire.  I particularly love this easy to read article about why your low fat diet doesn't really work.  

75% of the food in the grocery store has added sugar to it.  Why?  Because sugar, like sex, sells.  And Americans are eating it up.  All the food that you "love" your body hates it.  It's your brain that loves it and you've got an addiction.  You know that chip commercial?  Bet you can't eat just one?  They knew what they were asking.  You can't.   Do you know why they put marshmallows in lucky charms?  It's not for the taste.  Marshmallows are cheaper than oats.  The take up more space.  The food industry profits.  The food industry profits big time.  I sure hope you aren't getting dietary advice from an industry that's designed to make money off of you.

Ok.  I'm done.  It's a lot to digest and I've given you a lot to chew on.

And....She's Late.

Really? Again?  I can't believe it.

Lets talk about being late.   Example.  Meeting with a friend to have coffee at 8am.  The text at 7:56 says they are running about 15 minutes behind schedule.   So what do you do?  

Long before cell phones there was a code.  An unwritten rule of what to do if someone is late.  I don't know what that code is.  I didn't really have to use it all that much.  But let's play a hypothetical.  It's April of 1976 on a beautiful spring morning.  The time 8:10am and I'm sipping a coffee waiting for my friend to arrive.  How long do I stay?  We planned on 8.  I know my friend lives about 10 minutes away so they should be hear by now.   In this situation, I'd give them till 8:15 before I felt I could leave.  You think that's rude?  Not really.  They know they are late and there is no way for them to notify you.  So they won't be upset if if you're gone.   You'll reconnect later in the day via a "landline".   No hard feelings.  

Before cell phones, you should plan on being 10-15 minutes early, that way if something happened on the way you'd have a built in cushion.  

So what do you do when you get that text a couple minutes before when you were expected to meet?  Whatever you want to do.  You can stay or leave.  Your call.

And to the late texted, you knew you'd be that late at least half hour earlier.  Why didn't you just text your friend at 7:30 when you got out of bed that you'd be late?  You're an adult.  You know how much time it takes you to get up, shower, get dressed and drive to where you are going.

If I'm not 10 minutes early, I'm late.   That's my code.   And I even have a cell phone.

Be respectful of other people's time.  If they are expecting you at a certain time, as soon as you know you'll be late you should let them know.  Because you can.  Obviously every situation is different and you have to adjust on the fly.  

Just some thoughts about punctuality this morning.  OH.  And if you enjoy reading what I write everyday, though I think this one didn't turn out as great as was in my head, you can donate to me.  Just as a token of appreciation for providing you some consistent and creative reading material delivered before 7am everyday.  Feel free to subscribe here.
https://www.patreon.com/JonathanGeiman
Thanks so much!  Have a punctual day!

Celebrating the Oldest

So many things I could write about today.  The choices on the table are how butthurt Trump got in thinking Pence can't handle a little feedback from the America he will be leading.   Grow up.

I could write about how it sucks to be a snake.  Or how important having control over your strength is.

Nope.  None of those.  It's my son Josiah's 5th birthday today.  We celebrated yesterday with a friends party to Skyzone (an indoor trampoline park) and a small family gathering in the evening.  He had a wonderful time at both.  Today is a tribute to a thoughtful and caring kid.  Let me start by saying it's hard for me to put into words exactly what someone means to me, let alone tell them.

I'll never forget that morning...holding Josiah for the first time.  Fathers I knew all said that once you hold your kid, especially your first, you'll know.  I had no idea what it was that I'd know.  It's like a jeep thing.  But as soon as I held him, I knew.  And I've known ever since.  It's a feeling that is unshakeable.  Josiah wasn't an easy child.  He was incredibly fussy and did not like to be still for long.  He didn't eat well.  We had some marathon feeding sessions and my wife handled it like a champ.  We didn't sleep much with Josiah.  Swaddling didn't do much.  He wiggled right out and woke himself up.  I am so thankful for the person that invented the velcro close swaddle blanket, read, straight jacket for babies.  I'll never forget our first full night sleep since he was born.  We later learned that putting him in a swing overnight helped tremendously.  Going out to dinner with family became excruciatingly difficult.  Josiah did not like to be held while you were sitting.  You must stand and move.   He was a tough baby.  He wore us out.

Over the next year he got easier.  Some would say we got better as parents.  I don't know...I think we were good from the start.  This kid was challenging.  He's been a joy ever since.  He was a joy in that first year too, especially when we finally got him to sleep.

Trains, Dinosaurs, Hot Wheels/Matchbox cars are some of the things he loves the most.  He even lets me play cars with him.  And yes...his love for trains is the reason there is one the size of my forearm, on my forearm.  Permanently.   He loves music.  Any type.  He'll ask for anything from John Williams film scores to 90's hip hop.   Seeing him stare off into the abyss of life while listening to music is absolutely intriguing.  I wonder what he's feeling, what he's thinking.  This love for music hasn't transcended into creating any yet, despite having just acquired a ukulele.

This photo of Josiah at the beach reminds me that at times in your life you hit a wall. Looking at it seems like that is where you'd have to finish or turn left or right. But, all you really need at this point is a boat. And you can continue on. And then if you hit land again, get out of your boat and use what you've learned the last time you were there. And never get rid of the boat. Boats are cool. And you never know when you'll need a something helpful to keep you afloat.  I don't like the fact that Josiah has been a boat for me.  He's also been the anchor.  That's not his responsibility.  It's not fair of me to put that pressure on him.  He doesn't know how much of an influence he's been on me.  I don't think he really truly knows the depth of my love for him.  I hope that I learn to communicate that to him.  And that I do my part in teaching him how to learn to receive it.

And let's not forget to celebrate the real hero of the day.  His beautiful mommy who handled that 24 hour labor like a champ.  I will never doubt the strength of a woman after that day.  She did absolutely amazing and the love that she has for these kids is absolutely awe inspiring.   The journey that both of us, but mostly for her, to have our children wasn't easy.  She is probably, no.  Not probably.  She is the strongest woman I know.  Without a doubt.  She's the reason for the goodness of our kids.  I can't help but laugh though when I look at that photo.  She's been up for well over 24 hours and had an excruciating labor and looks more beautiful than ever.  I didn't really do anything and look like death.  Ironically, I'm wearing a shirt that says "Are you man enough?".  No, no man is strong enough to go through the thing that is childbirth.

Here's to many many more years of wonderful parenting.

You Have Something to Fear

I just don't know what the something is.  But I know that the emotion of fear is real.  Even if the thing you are afraid of is not.   

We have nothing to fear but fear itself.  I get that. But I don't know if it's true. Think of your greatest fear.  The one that gets you.  The very thought of ______ shakes you to the core.  Losing your spouse?  Losing your children?    There really isn't anything I could say or do to remove that fear.  I can't force you to hold a spider and have the fear be gone.

There are people that have claimed to have had an encounter with a Sasquatch.  Scares the shit out of them.  Some of them, quite literally.  They live in such great fear that the freedom they once had of being in the woods was stripped away in that moment.  Who am I to tell them their experience wasn't real?  Who am I to tell them it was only a bear?  Whatever happened to them in that moment, for them, was a real fear.  It doesn't matter to anyone if Sasquatch is real or not, the emotion that person experienced and continues to experience is most definitely real.  Treat it that way.  

There are people that are convinced in demonic possession.  They believe in spiritual warfare, ghosts and other supernatural encounters.  You know, haunted houses and stuff like that.  It's paralyzing for some people.  Who am I to tell them there is no such thing as ghosts?  Who am I to tell them their experience was a figment of their imagination?  Whether or not the house is haunted or not is irrelevant.  They have a legit fear. 

There are people that have a fear of enclosed spaces.  There are people that have a fear of falling.  Heights.  Snakes.  Spiders.  CLOWNS.  Fears of being abandoned.  Real fears.  We don't get to decide for others what they should be afraid of.  

There are some people that have real fears about a Trump presidency.  The people that he is appointing have racist, xenophobic, and homophobic backgrounds and reputations.  There is a long history of behavior that strongly suggests these things.  People have a real reason to be terrified.  Talks of deportation, registries, marriage licenses being revoked, concentration camps, and many other notions.  

Who am I to tell someone they shouldn't be afraid?  Who am I to tell them nothing will happen?  The fear is real for many people.  What I can do is offer my support of you.  I won't tell you to not be scared.  Hell, I'm a little concerned.  But right now, we don't know what's going to happen.  But we know what we can do today.  Live our life and love others the best that we know how.  Don't let hate run you life.  Push forward in the face of fear.  Unite with others of common goals and interests.  

I make music too.

It's kind of an abnormal morning.  I woke up at 4:30.  No reason.  There isn't a blog on the forefront of my mind.  Nothing I had to get out of bed for.  But I did anyway.  Made some coffee and came downstairs.  Caroused on Facebook and nothing really jumped out at me.  But for whatever reason I ended up over on soundcloud.  

Two summers ago, in 2015, I went to the Wild Goose Festival in Hot Springs NC.   This was where I got my "Trust the River"tattoo idea.  This eventually became a full sleeve.  Maybe I'll do a weeklong series about the significance of all my tattoos.  I've written about them in the past, but never all together.  At Wild Goose I had several "experiences".  I meditated for the first time.  It was incredible.  I met so many great people.  It was one of the most  authentic "christian" festivals I have ever been to.  I had one gentleman suggest I follow the thing that brought me peace.  At the time the only thing I could think about was the thing that's been with me through the most.  Music.  

On the way home is when we/I decided to turn our garage into a studio of sorts.  We didn't use it for a car and it was mostly just a place to put stuff.  So over the next few weeks we replaced the insulation, added a wall, put up a drop ceiling and did some painting.  Voila.  Studio.  If anyone want's a garage again, all you need is to take down the wall.  

It's become my oasis.  It's very simple.  A microphone, computer, rokit 6's, Logic Pro X, and you have yourself a music making mecca.  It's not a man cave.  But for all of last winter, I pretty much hibernated down here.  So many songs came out of our basement.  Are they good?  Fuck yes they are good.  But I'm not in it to make them great.  Or maybe I should.  All I did was sit down at the computer and create.  My goal was never make money off of music.  

You can listen to some of them here.  I'll probably end up putting more on there later. 

Anyway...I just found some songs I made.  I'm getting the feels.  Later. 

Engaging with Disruption

More than 300 different types of harassment or aggressive intimidation have happened since Donald Trumps election just over a week ago.  Most of this happened inside of K-12 schools.  I've heard of many stories from various outlets of frightening situations happening in grocery stores, department stores, college campuses and even churches.

Granted....these are stories.  They get clicks.  These situations could have been happening before the election as well.  But in K-12 schools?  There is enough bullying already happening already.  No need for our adult stuff to influence them.

I saw and shared a video yesterday on how to intervene in a situation where someone is being harassed.   I often think of what I'd do if I'd see a bully picking on someone.  And honestly, it's not good.  I'd loose it.  Honest.  I have a mood disorder.  And I won't be overcome with sadness for the victim.  Well, I might.  But that will come out in anger at the bully.  Their only defense would be to shoot me dead.  Perhaps God is real and He is watching out over all the bullies that I don't catch them in the act.  Back to the video....It said just to engage with the victim.  Make small talk.  Ask about anything.  Ask about football, their favorite local coffee shop or what their favorite car is.  Ask them about anything.  IGNORE THE AGGRESSOR.  If they don't leave, see if you can get the victim to leave with you to go grab a bite to eat or something.

Unfortunately, they didn't go any further to help explain if the aggressor follows you.  Rest assured, I'll be on the lookout for these events.  I hope I don't find any.  Not for my sake, not for the bully's sake but for the sake of the victim.  No one deserves to be treated like shit.  In the meantime, I'll do my best to be nice to all people.  Even exchanging pleasantries to my neighbors despite how they may have voted.

People are not Projects

Pray for our President

I hear so many christians say to pray for President Elect Trump.  They are saying to pray for Trump to change his heart and turn to Jesus.  This logic flies in the face of what I've heard Christians saying for the past few years.  Remember Aladdin?  Genie says you can't wish for someone to fall in love with you.  Prayer, IMO, works the same way.  You can't pray for someone else to change.  Well, you can.  But I don't believe it does anything.  So what have I heard most Christians say over the past few years?  That you should pray to change your own heart, not someone elses.  Instead of praying for Donald Trump,  try praying that you'd begin to see him in a new way.  The way God wants you to see Donald Trump.  That's what Christians are supposed to do, right?

I'll give an example from my own life.  Back when I was a strong christian and had totally radical beliefs about the power of the holy spirit I met someone.  This person was a great resource to me in many different areas.  They became a friend.  But this person was not a christian.  At the time I was worried they were going to hell.  They were living in sin.  I had to do something to save them.  So I began praying that God would use me to reveal Jesus to them in a way that they'd never seen before.  Fervently I prayed.  Guess who changed?  Yep.  Two thumbs pointing at this guy.  This was about three years ago.  The process of deconstructing my faith began.  Because I prayed with the intent to change someone else....I was the one who changed.  Everything I have ever believed about what it meant to be a Christian got flipped upside down.  Kind of like a table.  And I believe Jesus flipped it.

It's not our job to change people.  It's our job as humans to love one another.

When I was in Amway, everyone I saw had a dollar sign over their head.  Maybe I'd pushed my christian beliefs onto my business practices to much.  Often times, christians see people and the first order of business is to find out if they are a christian or not.  And if they aren't, it's their job to minister them for the sole purpose of conversion.   I've found lately that it's much easier to love someone without any goals for their life.  That you should just be their friend. Be with them through life.  You don't always have to have the answers.  They are people, not projects.

Trump can be like Jesus

Preamble. 

I feel like I need to write this every few days.  My blogs are opinion.  Even if I post some things from news sources or say something like I heard this or that, I can't guarantee it be factually accurate.  I try to double check, but since there are so many other blogs and websites like mine on the internet it's hard to get a reliable source.

I also write to clear my head.  I pick a topic and run with it.  I enjoy writing.  Sometimes, like
yesterday, I'll challenge myself with a topic I'm really not qualified to write about and go with it.  I thought it was pretty good piece.   But I know it had some flaws.  I try not to be nice to people in my blogs too.  So if it seems like I'
m not being nice, at least know that I'm doing it with the best of intentions.  And that the one thing that strikes you as me not being nice, know that I'm not judging the entirety of your being and I am not closed to conversation. If you do respond, know that I'm open for the discussion.  So if you call me a racist, homophobic, asshole I'll just assume you don't want the conversation.  But feel free to continue to vent.

I'm also aware that at anytime one of those blogs that I write just to challenge my writing and grow to become a better writer might actually go viral.  While that would be awesome, I'm not sure there are some that I'd like to represent the 299 other published blogs that I have on my site.


Yes.  This is published blog number 300.  300.  That's enough for at least a 300 page book.  Pretty cool.  And that's not including the comments I write in response to people before I even write my blog every day.

Official Blog Post Number 300

This one is one of those challenging writes.  It's a mere idea.  But it piggybacks off of Yesterdays post and the people that President-elect Trump is surrounding himself with.  Guys like White Supremacist Steven Bannon.  No joke.

Jesus was accused of being a glutton and a drunkard based on his company.  The very 12 people that he chose for his company had shady careers and were not considered at all "Godly".  And look what happened.  Jesus showed them a new way.  Jesus, who was accused at being a liar and drunkard.  We look back on Jesus and have no idea what people thought of him.  Many loved and praised him.  Others thought he was a liar and made false claims.  And it turns out...he had some wisdom to offer.  The 12 that surrounded him no longer maintained their former lives.  All but one died as a martyr for Jesus.

Trump is forming his disciples.  So far maybe not all the "godly" people many had hoped and prayed for.  But maybe, just maybe, it's intentional.  But not to raise them to supreme power.  But maybe he's playing them.  They are so blinded by their lust for power that they think they can finally do their shit.  But Trump will put them in office and slowly show them that their previous behavior is not how to bring people together.  And because all these people trust and believe in Trump, who just won the presidency, they'll sincerely question their ways.  Maybe?

Hey.  It's just a thought.  I'm trying to remain optimistic.  I seriously don't believe any of the bullshit I just wrote.  But it sure would be nice, wouldn't it?

Are You Happy With Your Choice?

About 8-12 years ago this was what several of the ladies in our close circle of friends and family would ask each other about their husbands.  Usually it was following something said or done stupidly at a party by one of them.  For most of us, the answer was always yes.  It was mostly a joke.

You know what's not a joke.  Trump's presidency.  The joke part is debatable.  Did you hear he just appointed Stephen Bannon to be his Chief Policy Advisor?   In case you don't know who this is.... here is what a fellow republican says along with an exert from a FOX NEWS article.

And John Weaver, a Republican strategist who worked for Ohio Gov. John Kasich's presidential campaign, tweeted, "The racist, fascist extreme right is represented footsteps from the Oval Office. Be very vigilant, America."

Under Bannon's tenure, the Breitbart News site pushed a nationalist, anti-establishment agenda and became one of the leading outlets of the so-called alt-right -- a movement often associated with white supremacy and a defense of "Western values."

What is the Alt-Right movement?  Never heard of it?  Check out the full wikipedia page here.  This is your President and the forming of all those "good christian people" he's going to surround himself with.  

Look, I wasn't thrilled with Hillary Clinton either.  But I wasn't going to put white supremacy in the oval office.  Give me a crook instead.  Oh wait...they are both crooks.  Oh wait...we are all crooks in one form of another.  We are all liars.  We all break the law putting others lives at risk.  EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. US.   

46% or so people didn't vote in this election.  Stat found from here.  Why?  You weren't happy with either candidate.  I get that.  I don't want to make you feel guilty.  You could have voted from Trump for all I know.  That's a big number. That's a big enough number that should do some serious change in the political system. No votes got nearly the same amount of votes as either candidate combined!  

From what I've read, the 18-44 year old group voted for Clinton or a third party, 8% for a third party which is good progress (i think).  And from 45 and up, just a tad over 50% trump support.  Hey 50% of older folks, why do you hate us younger folks so much?  Kidding, I know you don't hate all of us.  Only some of us.  You've been saying for years that you are worried about the America we will grow up and then you go do this to us?  What the hell?  When will you start letting the 18-44 year old demographic make their own shitty decisions?  Why do you have to keep making them for us?  Contrary to what you believed, we were all mostly quite happy with the America you gave us.  And if we weren't, we could blame the government.  Now...we can blame both you and the gov't for the mess we will dig ourselves out of that you created for us.  And we will.  

When I look around, and when I look at these numbers above.  I see nearly 75% of America that still believes in the country and doesn't want to run it into the ground.  We love diversity.  We love freedom.  We love people.  And we will continue Make America Great.  Just like it's always been.  Sorry that 25% of you couldn't see that.  I know you were sick of government over reach.  But I'm pretty sure that you just voted in more government overreach.  They are just sticking there hands somewhere else right now....  

Why I think Franklin Graham is a Horrible Representation of Christianity

Lets start with this image.

And from there I feel like it speaks for itself.  I want to be very careful about how I say the things I want to say.  Franklin Graham is the President and CEO of Samaritans Purse. Samaritan’s Purse has helped meet needs of people who are victims of war, poverty, natural disasters, disease, and famine with the purpose of sharing God’s love through His Son, Jesus Christ (taken from their website). This is a non-profit organization which means it can't engage in certain political activities.  This can be found here.

"Under the Internal Revenue Code, all section 501(c)(3) organizations are absolutely prohibited from directly or indirectly participating in, or intervening in, any political campaign on behalf of (or in opposition to) any candidate for elective public office. Contributions to political campaign funds or public statements of position (verbal or written) made on behalf of the organization in favor of or in opposition to any candidate for public office clearly violate the prohibition against political campaign activity.  Violating this prohibition may result in denial or revocation of tax-exempt status and the imposition of certain excise taxes.
Certain activities or expenditures may not be prohibited depending on the facts and circumstances.  For example, certain voter education activities (including presenting public forums and publishing voter education guides) conducted in a non-partisan manner do not constitute prohibited political campaign activity. In addition, other activities intended to encourage people to participate in the electoral process, such as voter registration and get-out-the-vote drives, would not be prohibited political campaign activity if conducted in a non-partisan manner.
On the other hand, voter education or registration activities with evidence of bias that (a) would favor one candidate over another; (b) oppose a candidate in some manner; or (c) have the effect of favoring a candidate or group of candidates, will constitute prohibited participation or intervention."

You might be saying that the above image doesn't reflect any particular party.  Right.  It doesn't.  But what about this email I got from the Samaritans Purse organization?

In just a few days, on November 8, our nation will hold the most critical election of our lifetime.
It is imperative that everyone who is concerned about the future of this country pray and cast their ballot for the next president of the United States. In the 2012 election, nearly 30 million evangelicals did not vote. That CANNOT happen again. The Christian voice must not remain silent.
The next president will immediately appoint one new justice and, most likely, several more to serve on the Supreme Court. These justices in turn will determine the outcome of cases on LGBT rights, religious liberty, the rights of the unborn, and other crucial issues that will impact our children and grandchildren. We’ve already seen a decided liberal shift in recent rulings, and a more liberal court will have devastating consequences.
Before you vote, prayerfully consider both party platforms, especially on key concerns such as abortion, same-sex marriage, and Islamic terrorism. Read them here. Remember that hundreds of key congressional, state, and local races will also be decided.
I hope you will encourage your friends and family members to head to the polls on Nov. 8. We know the outcome is in God’s sovereign hand, but we must be sure to do our part and be Gospel salt and light. In many states, it's still not too late to register. In some states, you can register and vote on the same day. Find out the rules for your state here.
Thank you and let’s pray together that our nation will turn back to God and that He will heal our land.

Franklin Graham, President

Samaritan's Purse

He's not exactly saying which candidate to vote for.  It's evident his lawyers went through this with a fine tooth comb.   But it's pretty clear. When he said about already seeing a liberal shift, and even more of a liberal court will have devastating consequences.  Devastating for who, Franklin?   Do tell. You can see which way he'd like to have your vote go.  And if that wasn't enough.  What about this one from a few days ago?   If it wasn't crystal cathedral clear enough which candidate Franklin Graham wanted as President.   So I guess everyone that voted for Hillary Clinton has an atheistic progressive agenda. I heard that when Billy Graham started shifting some his views and hinted at universalism, those were squashed by explanations given by his organization that he was old and wasn't thinking clearly.

Anyway.  Enough of this.  I don't even like this blog.  I don't like writing it.  Not one bit.  But this political fanfare of someone running the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association and Samaritans Purse makes me absolutely sick.  This is not Christianity.  What makes me more sick is the Christians that buy into the hype.  It's one thing to be engaged in political discourse and to enjoy politics.  But to be so blatantly pushing one side over another is pushing the edges of what I believe Christians should be doing.  Billy Graham wanted to spread a message of God's love to ALL people.  I'm sorry...but that's not whats happening here.  There is no ALL in politics.  Just because the last name is Graham, doesn't mean it's Christian.  Do I feel loved by Franklin Graham?  Not a chance.

You can't love power and love Jesus.  It doesn't work.

Samaritans purse has a thing called Operation Shoebox.  You essentially fill up a shoebox with all kind of School supplies, basic need items and toys for kids around the world.  Guess who will still participate in that this year as we do every year?  This family.   Remember when World Vision announced it would be non discriminatory against it's hiring of any individual?  Lots of christians lost their shit and took away sponsorships from hundreds of thousands of children around the world that could have starved to death and lose their chance at education because of that.  World vision reversed their decision because of the negative response by it's donors, unfortunately.  Why?  Those kids are more important than a political or progressive agenda.  It's a shame.  Because I guarantee the kids on the receiving end of that support would love you if your were half giraffe half human.  They could care less if the person cashing the checks was gay or not.  You won't see this family not supporting Samaritans Purse because of Franklin Graham.  And please...don't you stop either if you already do the shoebox thing.

And lastly.  Billy.   Thank you for your message.  Franklin, Honor your father. 

How to Eat Well over the Holidays. Part One.

Let's be honest.  The holidays are a time when most people let loose with their eating.  Many are still eating halloween candy, then we get thanksgiving that's loaded with food and then Christmas rolls around with cookies, candy and desserts galore!  It's no wonder why so many people on January 1 want to start a diet and lose weight. Lets not forget Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Peppermint Mocha Coffee.  Food isn't just good to eat, it plays an emotional role on the holidays as well.  Most families make the same foods year after year and for many, eating this food brings back many fond memories.  Even if you've had a rough go with your family, the holidays were mostly civil.  And the tastes and smells trigger memories of years past.  And we eat.  And we eat some more.  And it's great.  Usually. But like it or not....this image is the reality for many people.  I know it was/is for me.  Even though I know what foods I can and can't eat, I go for the ones I can.  And on special occasions....the fork is working overtime!

So if you are trying to watch your weight, what should you do?  I can tell you that running the turkey trot that morning isn't going to cut it.  It's incredibly difficult to lose weight by exercise alone.  You may have heard it said, you can't out exercise a bad diet.   It's not going to hurt you though, unless you let it.  Look, if you want to do the turkey trot or jingle bell jog, do it.  But do it for fun.  Don't place any expectations on it as far as food goes.

What do you do with all the cookies?  Donate them or throw them away.  Candy too?  Yes.  I understand how hard this is.  Going back to the headspace thing and food.  Sugar releases dopamine in your brain.  The reward center.  Sugary treats are very good and when you eat them you get high.  Literally....a little high happens.  So it's not easy to break the habit of eating sugar.  It requires complete abstinence for a time.  At least 3 weeks or more.  And trust me when I say that if you really want to do it, you can.  But you really have to want to do it.  Take that image about the cake for example.  It's true.  I've done it countless times.  You feel bad about how you feel, look and maybe poor food choices.  You need a dopamine hit...so you go to thing that will give you the dopamine hit but won't help the way you feel. But this is a reality for many people.  And it's a habit too!  We use food as a medication.  Sometimes it's ok, sometimes it makes it worse in the long run.   Even now...if I'm not feeling the greatest, I'll overeat cheese.  It's my new comfort food.  Don't take my cheese.

But guess what, if you don't want to quit sugar you don't have too.  If I were to have one wish is that the general public would stop acting like everyone can eat everything.  There are lots of people that control what they eat and it is very hard to say no to things.  Especially gifts.  So before you go giving a gift of food or drink this year, ask the recipient.  Or even better, don't make a food or drink gift.   Gift cards are awesome.  They make a visa one now that is basically cash.

I'm sure I'll write more about this later.  This was just a little bit of an intro into how to survive the holidays.  Eating right doesn't have to be hard.  It's a matter of knowing what you can eat.

WTF? Are you kidding me? HE DID WHAT?!?

Yep.  That's right.  He did it.

I set up a Patreon page.  If you aren't sure of what Patreon is, it's a website to help support creative types.  When you use your mind to produce content, it doesn't pay very well.  And quite frankly, most people don't create for the money.   But it is nice to get donations from people that find what you create enjoyable, helpful or entertaining.  I listen to podcasts a lot.  I pay a few podcasts a small monthly donation for the time and effort it takes for them to produce their work.  It's a small token of gratitude for the entertainment it brings me.  Well, might as well put it out there.  Here it is...and my monthly goal is a little ambitious.  So I'm asking, could you sign up for $5-$10 a month?  Think about it.  It's a very small amount.  You probably spend $5-$10 a day without even thinking about it.   This is a month.  30 pieces of work that take a while to put together.  And I feel are relatively entertaining.  Ok...I'm begging now.  I'll stop.  But whether you give or you don't.  I'm still going to keep writing.  I've been doing it 8 months now.  Every day.  Every.  Single.  Day.

Anyway.  Enough of the hatred.  Enough of the name calling.  Enough of the bullshit.  The battle we are facing is not with each other.  We are all human and living in America.   We all want a common good for all people, right?  RIGHT?  I thought so.  There is plenty here for us all.  I promise you that.  It's time to put an end to the left/right banter.  Our political leaders HAVE NOT stood up and told all y'all to calm down.  EITHER OF THEM.  They won't.  Why?  They're still benefiting whether you all get along or not.  What you really want is a government that truly cares for the people, right?  RIGHT?  Then why don't you all start caring for each other?  How is that so hard?  What has any other american taken away from you?  Tell me, I want to know.   And if they did take something from you, was it yours to begin with?  If so, what did you do to acquire said thing?  What in this country was any of ours?   We have something to offer everyone though.  Love and Respect.  An opportunity to hear each others stories about their life.  I know some of you are already saying...when they show me respect I'll show them respect.  This isn't a damn microwave.  Love and Respect takes time.  It takes cultivation.  Why don't you have a contest?  People love competition.  See who can show the most love and respect.

I get sick and tired of people complaining about some needing a "safe" space.  I think we need to make America a SAFE SPACE.  A place where we can go sit on a park bench and chat with a stranger and learn from one another.   Having a safe space isn't a sign of weakness.  It's not a place to go because you got 'butthurt'.

That's what this blog/project was created for a year and half ago.  STORIES OF SECRETS, S. O. S. It would be a place where people can share stories that they've never told anyone.  Stories that have been kept deep down inside and tearing at you.  Send them in, I'd love to share them.  They can be anonymous or not.  Send me a story of a time you changed while listening to someone who has had an opposing viewpoint.

Oh...and if anyone has seen a Sasquatch, you can share that too.   Seriously.  I believe it.

Jesus and a Higher Power

Couple things before my actual thoughts.  I'll never know the feelings of fear that many people have today.  The very real feeling of being watched, judged, and threatened.  Muslim friends, Immigrant friends, LGBT friends, African American friends....and even women of all colors including white.

All of these groups who were already marginalized, harassed and oppressed are even more so now.  Let that sink in. You might think it's not that bad, I encourage you to step outside of your bubble.  Take a larger sample size from the people you don't even know.  Or maybe they aren't talking real talk to you because they are scared.  Why are people scared?  Ask yourself that.  Why?

Did you vote for Trump because you are sick of how you've been treated or you feel like the government owes you something or you aren't being as taken care of as you'd like to be. Or do you feel like they take to much of your hard earned money?  Is it all about money for you?  Have you, Trump voter, ever feared for your life under a presidency?  Please tell me about it.

You know....I can be a scary dude.  I know people that are afraid to talk to me.  And I never even realized that was happening until it was too late.  And I'm full of shame and embarrassment because of it.  The sad part is....I don't know how bad it is.  Please don't be afraid to talk to me.  Please don't be afraid to tell me your thoughts and opinions.  I care.  And I'm one to stick up for the underdog.

I've been hesitant to share, but not many people read these anyhow.  I'm seeing a psychiatrist next week to help figure out why my mood is all over the place and why my highs are so high and lows are so low.  Some think I may be bipolar.  If anything the chemicals that balance my mood aren't working.  So it only takes me a second to go from calm to putting my fist through a door.  I always thought I just had a really bad temper and loaded myself with shame.  Lately it's been getting very much better, but it's been very difficult due to other things going on in my head at the same time.  The physical side of these mood swings manifested to emotional.  I'd get incredibly low.  I'd cancel plans. I'd isolate.  I've lost work because of this.  Hopefully I get some answers.  Medication scares me though.  It's most likely another irrational fear.

It's like I've never been able to let myself succeed at anything.  Anytime I'd get to point point of being excellent at something, I'd stop.  I'd settle for being good.  Or ok.  And I don't know why.  

Thankful for therapists and others in the mental health field.  Thankful for a patient, caring and understanding wife who sees the real me.  I will win.  I will overcome.  Because I am worth it.

In AA they use a "higher power" to help get you through your addictions.  I'm not exactly familiar with how this works exactly.  It doesn't have to be God.  It just has to be something greater than yourself.   A few years ago I began to question my faith in God.  In Jesus.  In all of Christianity.  And so far....none of the above are doing a great job in proving what I thought they were.  My higher power is gone.  I now understand why they use a "higher power" in AA.  I haven't found one yet.  And it makes life incredibly tough.

Jesus says to cast all your cares upon him.  He says come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  This used to work for me.  But I can't do that, if Jesus is only an imaginary friend. I want it to be real.  And right now....I don't buy into a placebo.  I don't buy into a "fake" higher power that I don't know to be real.  I wish I had one.  I can see the benefits of just casting your fears and hurts out to this thing and not needing to worry about them.  I have a hard time doing that lately.

I had someone else tell me recently they were worried about me and they have been praying for me.  So far....unless because of what I mentioned above....no one has asked how they can help me.  They've only said they'd pray for me.   Great.  Thanks.  Appreciate that.  Think about how long you've been praying for me and think about this.  It's either working or it's not.

One Last Hurrah

For whatever reason, I woke up well before my alarm.  It's set for 5:25am and has been since March 16 2016.  Rarely does it get a chance to go off, being manually disabled anywhere between 5:16-5:19.  Really cool how that works.  Today, it was cut off at 4:27am.  7.5 hours of sleep was enough for me apparently.

This may be a long blog this morning. I'm going to try to cram in three different points.  Remember that I write my blog to get things off my chest.  It's MY therapy.  So if you don't like what I have to say...no worries mate.  I might not actually mean it entirely, I just have to say it.  Otherwise I'll hold it in and do something stupid with it later.

First.  If you voted for a third party in this election, you knew your dude didn't stand a chance.  So if you didn't want Trump to win, your third party vote was a vote for Trump.  Like it or not, that's what it was.  Same applies for Hillary, if you didn't want her to win, well, you got that.  I just hope you are happy with Trump.  Most likely you were, which is why you were willing to put a Trump presidency on the line with your vote.  Which is fine.  I'm not discrediting you.  Election day is not the day to push for a third party, the 3 years after election day is.  And in states like Florida and Pa where that third party vote was the difference between Trump winning and Hillary.....

Second.  I'm not that worried about Trump.  I do think he'll take the presidency seriously.  I happen to think Hillary would have as well and trusted her just a tad more.   I think the he didn't fully realize the stress of the political world.  He was scared shitless the whole time.  He had no idea how to handle himself.  I hope now that he knows he got the win, he can pull it together and greater heads will prevail.  I still think half the things he said were a joke and that he was just making a fool out of all the people that blindly supported him.  I do believe he loves America though and it's not going to be as bad as what people imagine.  And if it is.....I believe in the power of all the people that didn't vote for Trump.  And I know how I will respond if shit hits the fan.  To all those that are incredibly worried about your status, The HLGBTFOM (the H stands for human and I put myself there with you because that's what you are first and foremost and the FOM stands for friends of mine), ethnicities other than white, immigrants, Muslims and many other minorities...I have your back.

And thirdly, I've been trying to figure this one out for several weeks.  Maybe it's too late.  But if you are one of those people in your late 50's or older and haven't been thrilled about the America you've left for your children and grandchildren, have you asked them how they feel about the America they live in?  It's not the same one that you live in.  Have you asked them what kind of America they'd like to have when you pass on?  Are you helping them achieve what they want instead of still pushing what you want?  Let your kids make their own decisions, and if anything, stand by them.  Perhaps they have a better vision for the future.  I don't know if that made sense or not.

That all being said.  Deep breath.  Burden of proof is on you Trump voters and the third party voters especially in Pennsylvania and Florida.  I include you third party voters because it seemed important to you, so you it better still be important to you for the next 4 years.  I expect to see you raising money and campaigning for your third party since you care so much about it.  And to you Trump supporters....I mean this sincerely....keep a cool head.  You are hated right now by many.  Don't give people more of a reason to do so.  You won, let that speak for you.  Focus on unity and making America GREAT FOR ALL, ALL PEOPLE.