Jesus and a Higher Power

Couple things before my actual thoughts.  I'll never know the feelings of fear that many people have today.  The very real feeling of being watched, judged, and threatened.  Muslim friends, Immigrant friends, LGBT friends, African American friends....and even women of all colors including white.

All of these groups who were already marginalized, harassed and oppressed are even more so now.  Let that sink in. You might think it's not that bad, I encourage you to step outside of your bubble.  Take a larger sample size from the people you don't even know.  Or maybe they aren't talking real talk to you because they are scared.  Why are people scared?  Ask yourself that.  Why?

Did you vote for Trump because you are sick of how you've been treated or you feel like the government owes you something or you aren't being as taken care of as you'd like to be. Or do you feel like they take to much of your hard earned money?  Is it all about money for you?  Have you, Trump voter, ever feared for your life under a presidency?  Please tell me about it.

You know....I can be a scary dude.  I know people that are afraid to talk to me.  And I never even realized that was happening until it was too late.  And I'm full of shame and embarrassment because of it.  The sad part is....I don't know how bad it is.  Please don't be afraid to talk to me.  Please don't be afraid to tell me your thoughts and opinions.  I care.  And I'm one to stick up for the underdog.

I've been hesitant to share, but not many people read these anyhow.  I'm seeing a psychiatrist next week to help figure out why my mood is all over the place and why my highs are so high and lows are so low.  Some think I may be bipolar.  If anything the chemicals that balance my mood aren't working.  So it only takes me a second to go from calm to putting my fist through a door.  I always thought I just had a really bad temper and loaded myself with shame.  Lately it's been getting very much better, but it's been very difficult due to other things going on in my head at the same time.  The physical side of these mood swings manifested to emotional.  I'd get incredibly low.  I'd cancel plans. I'd isolate.  I've lost work because of this.  Hopefully I get some answers.  Medication scares me though.  It's most likely another irrational fear.

It's like I've never been able to let myself succeed at anything.  Anytime I'd get to point point of being excellent at something, I'd stop.  I'd settle for being good.  Or ok.  And I don't know why.  

Thankful for therapists and others in the mental health field.  Thankful for a patient, caring and understanding wife who sees the real me.  I will win.  I will overcome.  Because I am worth it.

In AA they use a "higher power" to help get you through your addictions.  I'm not exactly familiar with how this works exactly.  It doesn't have to be God.  It just has to be something greater than yourself.   A few years ago I began to question my faith in God.  In Jesus.  In all of Christianity.  And so far....none of the above are doing a great job in proving what I thought they were.  My higher power is gone.  I now understand why they use a "higher power" in AA.  I haven't found one yet.  And it makes life incredibly tough.

Jesus says to cast all your cares upon him.  He says come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  This used to work for me.  But I can't do that, if Jesus is only an imaginary friend. I want it to be real.  And right now....I don't buy into a placebo.  I don't buy into a "fake" higher power that I don't know to be real.  I wish I had one.  I can see the benefits of just casting your fears and hurts out to this thing and not needing to worry about them.  I have a hard time doing that lately.

I had someone else tell me recently they were worried about me and they have been praying for me.  So far....unless because of what I mentioned above....no one has asked how they can help me.  They've only said they'd pray for me.   Great.  Thanks.  Appreciate that.  Think about how long you've been praying for me and think about this.  It's either working or it's not.