I'm detached. I'm detached from relationships. Or so it seems. Somewhere over the past several years I've lost the connection to my memories. I see photos and remember, but I don't feel like it's me. Almost like I can remember the time, but I can't remember how I felt. This has caused me to lose touch with so many things in the present.
It sucks. It's hurting relationships that I have now. It's hard to get excited about anything because it's hard for me to feel anything. It's hard for me to understand how other people feel. I think this is getting better now that I'm aware. It's complicated. It keeps me from enjoying things. I put myself in the dog cage. I self sabotage sometimes. I deny myself the opportunity to enjoy life. Like holidays and birthdays. It's hard for me to help make these events special for those that are experiencing them. FYI though. I'm in therapy for these things and seeking help from a physiatrist. It's not normal. Yesterday my wife "liked" a blog from Storyline about Halloween. this one. I was at work when I read it. And I teared up. Yes...I have mood issues. I can get really angry. Really, really angry in moments. And I can also get really sad in moments time as well. This also sucks.
But I thought about my son and how much he wanted to "spook" people for halloween. He's been asking about costumes and dressing up....not to me though, to his mom. This was a hard blow. He's learned dads an asshole at times and to go to mom for the fun stuff.
This is when I learned I'm just like my father and it scared the shit out of me.
My dad has his positive attributes, now. Just like him, I'm overcoming.
Well, I surprised my kids with a trip to the Temporary Halloween Spooktacular store where they sell shitty overpriced costumes and decorations that fall apart easily. They were elated. Beyond excited. My son picked out his own outfit. He wanted something spooky, but I did steer him towards this one. He had no problems, because this one came with the scythe. His costume kept my happiness up all night. Not just because my kids were happy. This costume was hilarious. No matter what conversation I was having with my son, this was his expression. A smiling pumpkin. And he wore it from 5:30-7:30 straight. He LOVED every minute of it. 
My daughter Anne already had a Belle costume from Beauty and the Beast so we bought her a tiara to wear. And in family fashion I had them pick out costumes for Emily and I to wear. Anne did that. Since Josiah got to pick out his own costume. I'm just glad she didn't pick the pile of poop emoji for me. Josiah did want me to get the "skele-boner" costume. It took me a minute to say no to that one. $140 dollars later we made it out of the store and had an awesome night visiting family and friends. I don't care about the money. I don't care about the candy. I care that my family had an awesome time. I even had a bit of fun myself dressed up as a penguin. 
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