Powerless and Embarrassed

kinda like this.  with a blazer. 

I remember the first SUV I ever bought.  It was a '93 Chevy Blazer.  It was probably in 2002.  I took it to a little spot where I could try my hand at some off roading.  I had no idea what I was doing, but I had an suv and 4 wheel drive.  There was a light blanket of snow on the ground, it was about 2 hours from dusk.  I was doing good and on my way out and there was a small mound, more like an oversized speed bump.  I started to ascend the bump and my front wheels started peaked and started to go down the other side I heard some scraping and next thing you know I was sitting on my big speed bump like a seesaw.  Front wheels kept spinning in the air and the back wheels couldn't find any grip on the frozen ground.  I tried for an hour to get myself out.  It was fruitless.

My buddy came in and tried to pull me and it wouldn't budge.  There was nothing I could do.  I had to call a tow truck and he lifted up the front of my truck with his platform so I could back down.  I was embarrassed, for sure. I was powerless in that moment and there was nothing I could do.

This is sort of a habit of mine.  I tend to do things myself and don't ask for help.  Even if I find myself in a jam, I try to get myself out.  I'm usually very successful at fixing my mistakes too.  I have my theories on why I've come to be this way.  At first, it's a matter of survival.  You don't think anyone is there for you so you do things on your own.  You adapt. And then over time, your brain gets rewired into that being a normal behavior when it doesn't need to be.  And quite honestly, can be very harmful.  It can seemingly develop into thinking everyone is watching your every move making sure you are doing it "right".  Often times you fail to see that they may be watching you because you are very good at what you are doing and they are learning from you!  You can develop incredible talents and if no one has ever affirmed your excellence, you'll always feel as though you are inferior.

Having someone in your life from a young age to guide you in life is incredibly helpful.

It's not easy to try to go through life by yourself.  You try to make the best decisions without really knowing what the best decision is.  And then any outcome you are the only one to determine if it's good or not.   Overtime, you find yourself with VERY high standards.  And it may lead to avoiding any situations where you don't really know what you are doing. Or you save those for when you are by yourself.

Yeah.  I went to see a psychiatrist a week and half ago.   This is the short version of how I lived.  I could give so many examples of this type of negative behavior.   And just like the time I went to see a therapist for the first time about two years ago, it only took him a few minutes to realize that I had been doing so much damage to myself and not taking seriously the things that were going on inside my head. I didn't want to be on medication.  But damn it feels good to think clearly.

If you can't seem to shake things in your head, please go see someone.  It's so worth it.  For you.