It's thursday morning. I'm in a strange house with a strange family. NO. Not a strange family, but as guess we all have our quirks. But a family I don't know to well. It's my wifes family. Her extended family. Except my wife isn't here. I took the kids all by myself. They welcomed me in for a Christmas vacation anyway.
This is something I never would have been able to do had I not started taking anti-anxiety medication.
When you are the child of an alcoholic, often times you will sense danger when everything is completely safe. And the reverse, you may feels completely safe when danger is imminent. I can definitely relate to the first. Because going away for two days with my kids and not my wife to a sweet cabin on a lake with a bunch of extended family that love my family would have been absolutely terrifying to me a few weeks ago.
I know. It's not logical. Anxiety and depression aren't logical.
But here we are. I'm not gonna lie...I'm on thin ice. I have to be really mindful of my triggers. There are things going on that would have triggered my anxiety so bad. I see them happening and it doesn't effect me the way it once did. I don't care if it's medication or I'm just overcoming. I like it.
Even though this lodge is big, 15 kids most under the age 8 running around is stressful. It's nice being able to watch all the kids play and not have to maintain order. It's fun watching my kids do things like run and play without having to worry about upsetting daddy. You'll see them looking over expecting to be told to calm down, and it doesn't happen.
Anyway....hard to explain. And even I if did I don't think most or any would understand. But that's just one area I've been enjoying. The other is family. It's been awhile since I've opened myself up to embracing and welcoming the idea of a family beyond my own wife and kids.
Substance abuse and/or mental disorders will fuck you up. And they'll fuck up the ones close to you. If you know you aren't right, stop making excuses. Stop letting the devil on your shoulder win and go get some help. You won't regret it. Your family is waiting for you. Until they aren't.....don't wait.
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