Somewhere in my Memory

For the past 15 or so years Christmas hasn't been the easiest time of year for me.  Life changes happen and things of your past somehow become distant memories.  And those memories are left in question of what was real and what wasn't. All the feels you get at the holidays are stacked up against what was and you wonder if you are sad that it's over or just moved by the holiday.  When we had kids it didn't get much easier.  Just as I was adjusting to a "new" style of Christmas it changed again.  I've come to realization that Christmas may not for me anymore.

It's tough.  I want to enjoy Christmas.  But I want Christmas to be a real authentic experience of the warmth of family.  And it is, for the most part.  It's just me that may be having a hard time embracing what is the new reality, perhaps a little hesitant to get a little too attached to the joys right in front of my face.  I've had those same feelings crumple before.

My son loves music.  He'll stare at the speakers just listening.  I often ask him how the music makes him feel.   Almost every time we get in the car he asks for "What Child is This?", but not just any version.  This one by August Burns Red.  You're welcome for sharing that musical masterpiece with you.  He often tells me the scene he imagines during the song.  Right after that song plays this John Williams cover (yes, you heard that right) comes on.  Another one by August Burns Red.    Cool fact about ABR, they are a local band from Lancaster, PA.   Right after that one, he asks for the original  Home Alone theme.  Titled, "Somewhere in my Memory".   This song always made me sad.  Perhaps it was the reuniting of a Happy Family at the end of the movie.  Not just Kevin and his family, but Old Man Marley and his son next door.   I asked him how this song made him feel a few weeks ago, and he said, "happy."  I was confused.  Up until that point I had only heard was "somewhere in my memory."  So I listened to the words.

Candles in the window,

shadows painting the ceiling,

gazing at the fire glow,

feeling that gingerbread feeling.

Precious moments,

special people,

happy faces,

I can see.

Somewhere in my mem'ry,

Christmas joy's all around me,

living in my mem'ry,

all of the music,

all of the magic,

all of the fam'ly home here with me.

This song doesn't make me sad anymore.  Especially when my son (who knows all the words) sings along while he's riding in the back seat of the car.  

This is my new Christmas.  I'm not who I once was.  Christmas will never be what it once was.  We're building new Christmas memories as a family.