Religion. What is it Good for? Part 3

There was never a part 3 planned.  But I feel as though I must.  It's gonna be a tough one.

I grew up in church.  Went every Sunday and Wednesday.  Right up through high school.  I never went to college so I became a volunteer youth leader.  Played guitar in the worship band.  Preached on stage at our punk rock shows.  I was a Jesus Freak.  Up through my 20's I always was involved in a church.  Something happened about 3-4 years ago that really began shaking up my faith.  It may have been Francis Chan and his book "Crazy Love" and perhaps "Radical" by David Platt.  I listened to a lot of sermons by Chan, Preston Sprinkle, David Platt, Rob Bell, Josh Crain, and even Mark Driscoll.  Surprisingly, listening to all these christian teachers, I began to lose my faith.  It seemed as though everything I once believed and clinged so strongly to, was fading.  Even with me listening to all these great pastors and being involved in church.

I stopped going to church completely a little over a year ago.  I still listen to sermons every week.  I still believe that Jesus is a good role model.

My wife and kids still go to church.  She's been very understanding of my deconstruction.  I love the church she goes too.  I grew up in that building.  Though it's far from the same church.   What's hard is when my son asks about "God's birthday" coming up.  I told him God doesn't have a birthday.  God's always been alive.  But we are celebrating Jesus's birthday even though He wasn't actually born in December.  I'm sure it's confusing for him.  I don't want to lie to my children.  Navigating "childrens church" is a little more difficult.  I really wish they would just teach love and being kind instead of stuff from the bible that even adult christians don't even grasp.  He often asks if God is real, I have to be honest with him.

Why do we teach kids "basic" stuff?  Most of this basic stuff has no thought to it.  And then when they get older they have to question everything they've always been taught and come to find out that most of it was wrong.  I'm not going to talk about food today.  But seriously....if the majority of the things your kids eat can be purchased from the inside aisles of the grocery store, you're killing them.  Stop teaching them it's a healthy diet.   Do you know why kids (and many adults) don't like vegetables?  Because sugar.  Anyway.....

Back to religion.  I'm about at the point that I don't believe at all.  I'm not an atheist.  I just don't know.  I still believe in Jesus.  I'd love to feel like it's all real.  Christianity, that is.  But I can't.  At least the Christianity that I grew up being taught.  I'm holding onto hope that I'm on the right track in figuring out what following Jesus is all about. It would be so much easier to get a super good feeling of comfort with faith.  Perhaps I was self medicating using christianity as a drug instead of dealing with the real issues in my life. And when your faith starts to wain, those real issues come on strong and you are forced to deal with them.  And I'm glad I am.  It will be worth it in the long run.

Oh...and don't let religion get in the way of loving others.  Including your spouse.  I'm incredibly thankful for a wife that has unconditional love for me.  I know many others that don't.  And my heart breaks for them.  Love knows no boundaries.

If you love someone and they don't believe the same things you do, don't you think your God is big enough to work through that?  Don't you trust God enough?  Don't you want to give God the time to work?  Or don't you even believe that much?  There should never be an ultimatum of believing in a certain religion or we are done.  That's a stupid religious belief.  But the emotions involved....are real.

It's complicated to write about.  I wish I could just say I believe.  But I can't.  And unless you've walked this road, I don't expect you to understand.  For what it's worth though, I'm finally feeling at peace about where I'm at.  Probably cause the drugs work.  The legal, prescribed drugs to help get a handle on all the stuff I tried to put a band aid on with Christianity and booze.