Parenting to Prevent. Or some good sounding title.

I've mentioned before about my parenting woes.  When you have kids, they take a magnifying glass and hold it up to all your emotional baggage that you carry from your own childhood.  Not only that, you are outside.  And the sun is out.  And if you don't get your shit together, you'll just keep that vicious cycle rolling right along.  That's what happened to me anyway.  You think you are alright.  Till you have kids and then you find yourself saying you are just like your parents.  And it scares the shit out of you.   Well, sometimes it doesn't.  But we don't really notice all the ways we act like our parents when those ways are good.  And honestly...it's helped me realize that we were all children.  We've all had someone enforce both good and bad behavior that resulted in who be come to be.

This isn't necessarily going to be a post about me and my story.  It's going to be a post about the things that we all struggle with as parents.  Simple decisions and behaviors that we think are enforcing something positive, but they aren't.  In fact, we think we are standing our ground.  But in fact we are setting our kids up for HUGE pitfalls and maybe even a traumatic situation. Oh, and my solutions aren't guaranteed, just ideas.  And I am in no way an expert.  And if someone sees things I've missed, please speak up.  If I got this wrong and it could provide disastrous results...please speak up.  But be kind about it.

Situation number one.  Kid refuses to eat dinner.  Kid wants to jump straight to dessert.  What doyou do?  Most parents insist on making the kid eat all their dinner before dessert.  So they do, despite how long it takes and how frustrated the parent gets.  They want their cookies and ice cream.  So what's wrong with this?  You've just taught your child to over eat and get a reward for it when they are done.  And that reward, on top of their dinner, will kill them.   Most people don't even understand their own nutrition, likely because their parents did the same thing.  NO DESSERT TILL YOU CLEAN YOUR PLATE!   What if they really aren't hungry?  What if they don't like the food?

Solution.  Get rid of dessert after dinner.  There is no reward for eating all your dinner.  If your child isn't hungry, don't make them eat.  But they also don't get snacks either.  If they get hungry, they can eat more of their dinner in an hour.  If you eat the right foods...our bodies are like machines.  Eating the wrong foods at the wrong times is like putting soap in an engine and expecting it to run.  Don't use food as a reward for eating food.  It makes absolutely zero sense.   When I used to work at a car lot, every now and then the owner would come and give me $100 bucks or so.  Said thanks for the hard work.  It wasn't that hard...I'll be honest.  But the reward was given at random times.  So if you want to give your kids dessert, make it a surprise.  And NOT on top of recently eaten food.

Situation number 2. "Go hug your Aunt Ida before we leave!"  Kid only waves, doesn't want to hug.

   "GO HUG YOUR AUNT!"  You are using your authority so your kid goes and hugs Aunt Ida when they clearly don't want to.  And Aunt Ida sits there arms wide open saying things like  "C'mon honey, I won't hurt you.  I just want a hug."   And the kid wants to leave so they go give Aunt Ida an innocent hug.  Is it innocent? OR did you just enforce it to your child that when someone in authority tells them to do something they don't want to do, like physical touch, you do it.

Solution.  Don't make your kid give hugs.  It's quite simple.  And don't make them hug you either if they don't want to.  This is really hard, you love your kids.  But don't force them to hug you.

Situation number 3.  You are having a fun time playing with your kids wrestling and having tickle fights.  After a bit they say stop tickling them.  But it's all fun and games and you are playing.  So you keep tickling them.  They still laugh but tell you to stop, while they are laughing.  It's confusing I know.  BUT STOP.  For shits sake, they shouldn't have to ask you three times!!!!   Do you see what you are doing?  The one in power doesn't have to stop until they are good and ready to stop.  That the child's voice has no authority and they just have to suffer through it until it's over.

Solution.  STOP!  Teach your child that they are in charge of their body and if they say stop, that means stop.  Don't you dare keep tickling them.  EVEN if they are laughing.

These are tough.  Because I've done all these things wrong.  I still have to watch it.  Because none of these things seem that bad.  Because most likely our parents did this to us.   And while you may have turned out ok...not everyone has.  We need to stop teaching our kids to be obedient.  I sat in a parenting class and the group of about 100 was asked what traits their child would like to exhibit when they are older.  Not one person said obedient.  NOT ONE.  It's through teaching responsibility, ownership, and respect of themselves and others that they will become mature adults.  

Oh.  And one more thing.  I found this meme when looking for a kids won't eat meme.  And I have to agree with it.  We don't and would never spank our kids.  I can honestly say that this meme is 100% percent true.  And it takes a ridiculous amount of work.  Years of work to fix that trauma.  Don't bring your baggage into your parenting.  You've got issues to deal with.  Deal with them.  It's not your kids fault that you aren't taking care of your own emotional health.