Trust is the hardest to regain

Self discovery can be awesome.  But it can also be the most terrifying thing you've ever felt in your entire life.  When you finally see how other people see you.  It sucks.  And the worst part...you don't see it until you begin healing and aren't that same person anymore.  But years of who you were cause another to not see the new you right away.  And their reactions and responses are the same as before. They don't see the good things and positive changes right away.  You wonder why they are so scared and timid.  And you realized....oh....they had to be.  Because they didn't know who they were gonna get.  

Often times it hurts, because you learn that's how they see you.  And it's hard for them to see the new you because you don't get a chance to show them.  They are only on the lookout for the negative traits.

Can you blame them?  Not really.  But it's not fun being reminded of who you once were. And you are disappointed of the things you miss out on because of the old asshole that sabotaged your life.  Fuck that guy.  He may have been helpful for self preservation at one time.  But not anymore.

Guys...get some therapy.  The ones that say they don't need it are the ones that often need it the worse.  AND I WISH THEY WOULD LISTEN.   Every marriage needs counseling.  EVERY ONE OF THEM.   You might not need it now.  So.  Go anyway.  You'll need it eventually.

Just like 15 years ago I didn't think I needed Al-Anon or therapy.  I wish I had the future me telling me to go.  It would save a lot of heartache for so many people.  But you know what...you can always change.

But you know what I did learn.  I learned about all the recovered addicts.  The ones that lost it all but have rebuilt their life.  You know who often is the last people to forgive them or even accept them again?  Their family.  The ones they hurt the most.  These people, your kids who you love so much don't notice that you aren't that person any more.  But you can't blame them.  And the strongest ones....carry on.  They don't go back to the old ways.  They realize that they must come to grips with the damage they have done.  And accept it.  As hard as it is.  They can't ask for forgiveness anymore.  Because they've done that.  They must spread arms wide with love and wait.  The hug may never come.   That must be difficult.

Trust is the hardest to regain.  Because when your past self keeps you from seeing people or doing future activities....that's hard.  But it's not the end of trying.  It's only the beginning.

I know how far I've come.  

I know how much I've healed.  

I know how much I've learned.

I'm not giving up.  

I am worth it.  

Because who I am effects others.  And I want to make sure it's in a good way.  

How do you effect others?  How do others see you?  Your positive, your negative?  Do you even know?  Do you even care?  

Remember.  Everyone has been shaped.  Parents begin shaping their children.  Then the children go off to school.  Teachers, friends and other parents begin to shape them.  But what if that child leaves in the middle of all that?  What if the shaper leaves them prematurely?  That leaves  person a misshaped mess that they have to put back together.  And it's not always pretty.  They might have some flaws.  Sometimes those flaws make it hard to see the good heart that's underneath it all trying to get out. And no one ever left them a shovel.