Full

Earlier this morning I wrote a few short lines on "empty".  I think I was more full than empty.  One of the things I do in the morning before I write is to go through Facebook.  While I can always find something to write about, something on Facebook may be worth sharing an opinion on.

This morning I read about a little boy, 6, who was raped.  Over and over again.  On multiple occasions.  And my heart sank.  And for the first time in awhile it didn't sink from anger.  I was filled with compassion and sadness for the boy.   I'm trying not to let the super strong anger emotion consume me, even though there is a place for that here.  He was arrested and I trust he will get what's coming to him.

That really is what tipped the scales to feeling empty.  But really, I was full.  So full that I didn't even think writing would help clear my head.  Full of the shittiness that can be the world.  And I can't save it.  At least not all at once.  And not even all of it.  I can only hope that on my journey to discover who I am helps some people be better along the way.

Have you ever been at a diner for breakfast?  Have you stuck around for a chat with a friend long after the meal had been finished?  Remember what happens with your coffee?  I drink mine black and every time I'm almost done, the server comes and tops it off.  Usually without asking.  They just assume you want more.  And usually it's fine.  Sometimes I even move it to the opposite side of the table and they still slip in and fill it up.  And those of you that have the perfect ratio of half and half and sweetener, the horror of that fill up.  You get your coffee just right and BAM, the server screws it up adds more coffee.  And after that, you can never get it just right again.

I'm the guy that doesn't like leaving coffee behind.  I'd like to leave an empty cup on the table.  The server is just trying to be nice and I'd really not have to tell them to stop.  So I end up drinking way more coffee than I'd like.  And sometimes that can have disastrous consequences.

Life can be like that.  Every time you feel like you've got things under control and you can have a little peace, BAM, here comes the server to fill you back up again.  And it's not always happy things.  But even an overabundance of happy things can be draining.  We need to learn to pull our cup away.  Even if it means coffee being poured all over the counter.  It'll get cleaned up.  And most likely, others will come help.  But we need to know when to say enough is enough or just simply retreat.

So this morning, I went upstairs and refilled my coffee mug.  I sat down and watched sportscenter.  My daughter woke up early and didn't cry when she saw it was me who opened her door.  And unlike others days she came down and climbed into my lap and pulled my arms around her.  Usually she only tolerates sitting there and pushes my arms away.  But for whatever reason this morning she pulled them in tight and wouldn't let go.

My heart is full.  For at least that moment, and it was enough.