Not Even Close. Stop Judging. I know I'm an asshole. But I can't help it. Seriously.

I can't tell you how many people accuse me of "trolling".  They think I like to stir the pot on purpose just to get into arguments.  I guess I can understand that.  I talk about things that aren't always easy to talk about.  And I'm not even good at talking about them.

But I'm anything but an internet troll.  I can assure you.

I share lots of stories about me and how I think.  And I can also assure you that I've only uncovered just the tip of the iceberg.  I also don't engage much beyond what I write here.  I can't.

In fact...I hate arguing with people.  Because I can't do it.  I can hardly even have a conversation with someone without it becoming an argument.

What the hell, theres probably lots of people out there that think they are the problem.

I felt that way.  Why couldn't I have hard conversations with people that disagree with me?  Was I that sensitive?  Why do I get so defensive so fast?

Why after every small Facebook discussion or disagreement with someone else do I feel like I have to delete all my comments and my entire Facebook account?

So many people that are close to me think I'm a monster with an uncontrollable temper.  I can't blame
 them.  That's probably why it's so special to me when my kids come up and hug me.  I feel normal.  That at least someone actually loves me and isn't afraid of me.  I know I've been excluded from things because of a disability I have.  It hurts.  I can't help it.  Especially those times when I was fighting a battle that wasn't winnable.  But it wasn't because I wasn't strong enough.

I'm a scary dude.

But inside I'm a softy.  I'm incredibly sensitive.  I don't even like killing bugs.  I've also got chemical imbalances that cause these often violent reactions to things that are so seemingly small and insignificant like what my kids eat and fantasy football trades.  It's embarrassing and humiliating. And it's incredibly hurtful to others.

I've been slowly discovering this over the past two years. That maybe there is something actually wrong with my brain when it comes to mood stabilizing.  There are even drugs that you can take to help.  Awesome.  It would be nice to be able to have a healthy relationship with someone.  They deserve that.  Cause I'm an awesome dude.  And the world needs me at my best.  I need me at my best.

Can't wait to see what it's like to be normal.  And I wonder how many other people out there think they are just shitty people.  You might not be.  Brains are pretty complex.

This would be a good lead in to diets.  And how the chemicals we put in our bodies can effect the chemicals that actually make our body work well.