I don't deserve this life

Couple things on my mind this morning.

There is a hurricane in the Caribbean, category 4 could upgrade to a category 5.  125+mph winds, 15-25 inches of rain.  It's headed straight for Haiti.  This is a typical house you'd see in haiti.  There are also houses made from concrete that have metal roofs.  And if you've been to haiti, you know the atrocities flooding would cause.  Mudslides taking out entire villages...It's not going to be pleasant.  There will be places that will be unable to be habitable for months.  In a country were so many people fight for their lives and their families day in and day out...this hurricane will most likely kill them.  I can't imagine what it's like to get knocked down every time you finally stand up.  Just when you feel like you can get some traction....a hurricane?  A fucking hurricane?  Who brought this?  God?  Isn't God in charge of the weather?  Why oh why would God send a hurricane here?  I can't even imagine the line of questioning that happens.

I've seen Haitians bounce back from adversity.  It's remarkable.  It makes me feel like a weakling.  Their strength is impeccable.

Gerritt is in the back, 3rd from the right.  His wife Julie
2nd from the left.  

There is another couple that I met in Haiti.  An american couple that ran a guest house.  One of the nicest, homey guest houses I've stayed at.  Gerritt and Julie were fantastic hosts.  When their position at the guest house ended they stayed in Haiti.  They filled another position at a great ministry ran by friend, Awaken Haiti.  Just recently they found cancer in Gerritt.  They are in the states and things aren't looking good.  Gerritt didn't deserve this.   Every time we went to Haiti, we always made an attempt to visit.  They were always so hospitable.  I've never met a couple that displayed more of a servants attitude.  They don't deserve this.

And here in the states I see story after story of blatant racism.  I see people so blind to the fact it happens.  I see unjust treatment of HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS by administrators who refuse to acknowledge their experience.  I have no idea what it's like to be a black person in america today.  So many say it's so good here in 2016 compared to what it is like it's some kind of justification.  Because it's not as bad, makes the unjust treatment now ok.  It literally makes me furious.  If I was treated in some of the ways that black people are treated, I'd either be dead or in jail.  But odds are I'll never be in that situation.  We have people that care more about standing for a flag then we do the treatment of fellow americans.  We have pastors suggesting we shoot people for not standing.  We have fellow athletes throwing racial slurs at a black high school students who kneel in frustration with they way things are.  They are assaulted and harassed by their coaches.  For following their heart.  They don't deserve that life.  I don't care if you think kneeling for the anthem is wrong.  That's your opinion.  It does NOT give you the right to treat others poorly with verbal harassment or physical harm.  

And here I sit.  In my climate controlled home.  Typing on my 27" iMac paid for by my dead great grandmother.  I'll have my choice of which one of the three tv's to watch football in HD on today and I can check my fantasy scores from any number of devices in my possession. It's been raining for 3 days here and we have no water in our house.  We still have roads to drive any one of our two cars for two drivers in our house.  Why do I deserve any of this?  I don't.  And quite honestly, it makes me sick.  Why me?  When everyone else is begging for this life....I'm disgusted by how good it is.    Why did I get this life?  It's not fair.  I did nothing to deserve this life.

I didn't even get to war torn Syria.  Families being torn apart.  Children instantly being pulled from their parents.  Parents instantly losing a child from an airstrike.  Seeking refuge but hearing news that countries don't want you because they are scared a terrorist might come with you. They don't deserve this life.

Leaves me feeling helpless.  What can I do?  I can donate money.  I can vote.  I can write about my frustrations in hope it will open some peoples eyes to the atrocities around the world that I feel like so many people pretend don't exist.

Is that why it's easy for some people.  They refuse to believe these things are real?  They are.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news.  I don't deserve this life.  I don't deserve any of it.  I know what you are saying.  But Jon, you have a great life.  Enjoy it.  Don't take it for granted.  Enjoy your life for all the people that don't have one like yours.  Except I can't.  How can I fully be happy with this life when so many others around the world are dying just because of where they were born.

And where does God fit into all of this?  Can you find glimpses, you bet.  But that doesn't mean it's God.  Does God fit into all of this?  Do we fit God into something where he's not just to try to get a grip on the situation?   Any way I spin it....God turns into a big asshole.  If God is in charge...why would any of this happen?  I don't think Gods in charge of any of it.  The good or the bad.  The only thing I can come too, we all go the heaven when we die.  EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US.  Even the shitty ones.  They would be a new creation.  The sick will be healed.  The hurting will be loved like they've never been loved before.  So many people are in a living hell as it is though no fault of their own, to think that they could end up in eternal torment is the most sick and twisted thing I've ever heard of.   Why do I think we should all end up in heaven?

Because we get what we don't deserve.

I'm digging now.  This is what happens when you are woke to the realities of the world and struggle with depression.  I guess the only thing you can do is love others the best that you can.

I'll figure it out.  I'll figure out my place in this world.  Maybe.