Boycott Target

Morons.  Seriously.  If you are boycotting target you need to get a life.  I'm serious.  Where do you plan on shopping now?  Wal Mart?  So you can buy goods made by 6 year old children working in sweatshops?  Well done, you!  Good job!!!!

You think your one million person petition matters?  That's like 2/3 of Philadelphia that won't shop at target. Target is worth 53.8 billion dollars.

I get so upset at Americans with these high and mighty morals that decide to boycott certain places.  If you really cared about morals and values you wouldn't shop anywhere.  NO, not even chic fil-a.  They have there share of problems too.  Everywhere you go, everywhere you shop, everything you use has some sort of a background that has something you will disagree with.  So just stop.  Stop everything you are doing and boycott yourself or don't boycott anything.  And don't tell me the trans in the bathroom issue is a big deal for you.  It wasn't last month.  So why is this month?

Oh...and if you find yourself boycotting target and you are Christian.....Do you know because of you doing this you've more than doubled the amount of calls to suicide prevention hotlines from transgender people.   Well done good little Christ follower.  Well done.  Are you happy?  Does this make you glad that you'd rather stand up for your false beliefs and push people to suicide?  Just stop. There is a tremendous need for people to be loved, valued and welcomed just as they are.  If you really believe in the power of Jesus (which I don't believe most do) then just love people and let God speak to them.  Don't you think God is powerful enough to do that?

Keeping up Appearances

I've always been one to push the societal norms.  I like to dress a bit different, wear shoes or no shoes, uncover my tattoos or cover them or other things that would make my appearance not match the stereotype.  You know...long haired, bearded, tattooed shoeless man is scary.  I like to prove the opposite.  Looks aren't everything.  

We grew up wearing off brand clothes and shoes that looked just like name brand.  I had a pair Nucleas shoes that looked just like the Penny Hardaways.   I remember the first time someone complimented the new Penny's and I had to correct them.  Actually, it's Nucleas.  Looks just like them though!   It was awkward.  I didn't want to insult their shoe knowledge.  But they were basically nikes for poor people.  And yes, I can vouch that the more expensive basketball shoes actually do perform better than ones from payless.  Just like your $150 full suspension wal mart mountain bike will fall apart within minutes on the trails I ride.  And you will get hurt.  

Everyone is so concerned with how you look.  And it bugs the shit out of me.  Your outer doesn't make your inner.  Or does it?  Sometimes it's ok.   For example....If you look good, you'll probably feel better about yourself.  But why?  Because of you go out wearing dirty jeans and ripped shirt and smell like stink, people will look at you in disgust.   

You know, if you go into church like that they will look at you in disgust too.  I know, because I've tried it.  

On an unrelated note, this one time at a big mega church they did a shoe drive to take shoes to third world countries.  I was unaware of this, and everyone had brought shoes to  bring to the altar to donate.  Well, I was wearing my favorite shoes.  I took them up and left them.  I was the only one that did this.  Apparently everyone wanted to ditch their old shoes instead of their nice church shoes.  

Anyway, this was supposed to be short.  I'm not even getting started yet.  

You know at churches, they often promote dressing nice and looking your best.  Why?  Jesus doesn't give a shit what you wear.  Come as you are, right?  WRONG.  Even in Haiti.  I've never seen one person dress in dirty clothes going to church.  Why?  because less than your  best isn't worthy of being present.  Come as you are.  Literally.  As.  You.  Are.  Naked.  Well, maybe not naked.  But you can bet your bare ass that Jesus encountered people that didn't have a dime to clothe themselves.  Jesus died naked.  They stripped him of his clothes.  

Stop keeping up appearences.  You know, some people change their outward appearence to feel comfortable.  I see so many christians railing against this transgender ordeal.  They don't agree with changing one's body to match one's brain.   But yet they have no problem with boob jobs, liposuctions, plastic surgery, make up, excessive exercise, dieting, hair styles and perfume.  Aren't all these things done so you feel better about yourself?  So why the problem with transgender surgeries?  

We all judge based on appearence.  Sometimes it's helpful, sometimes it's not.  If I see a plain clothes guy in public sporting his right to open carry his AR-15.  I'm going to make a judgement about him or her.  If I see someone with binoculars looking at a playground full of children, I will make judgements.  I will also question them as well.   

I'm getting off track.  But that's that for today. 

OMW

Not sure where I'm at this morning.  You'd think after ten or so trips to Haiti you'd have this transition thing nailed down.  It's easier, but there's always something new.  I can't quite put a finger on it this time.  It's as though there is a dissatisfaction with American life.  But...I can't fool myself.  These thoughts have been around whether I've just returned from Haiti or not.

I often wonder if it would have been easier having never seen other parts of the world.

Or maybe this time I've come back having learned a little bit more about Haiti than I typically would have and it saddens me the things I've found.  Things I've known, but just to naive to see the truth.

Maybe it's having seen a glimpse of reality.

Maybe it has nothing to do with Haiti at all.  Maybe it's just me really coming to terms that there are shitty ass mother fuckers out there in this world that are only in it for themselves and solely exist to cause harm to otherwise innocent people.  Sometimes these people know they are doing it, sometimes they don't.  Sometimes the victims don't even know they are a victim.  Sometimes people are trapped inside a cell realizing they are the ones holding the key.

Maybe it's because my kids are american.  They don't know anything other than having two sets of parents, a roof, their own room, food, all the toys they want, climate control, several pairs of clothes, and entertainment as far as the eye can see.  

Maybe it's knowing that if affluent America could do so much good around the world for those that have little but keeping it all for themselves.

Maybe it's just depression.  I don't take my meds when I'm gone.  Any of them.  I don't need to.  And when I get home the levels are low.

Sometimes I get sales calls from people wanted me to set up a retirement account.  Sometimes our bank calls and asks about the same thing.  It's always fun to tell them I don't need it.   And them trying to sell it to me by telling me how useful it will be when I'm older.  And then I tell them I plan on dying before I'd get a chance to use it and my retirement is my life insurance policy.  I guess they aren't really trained to handle a response like that.

Is that the point? To get all you can and then die?  OR give all you can and then die?  A mix?  So many people have so many theories.  We all die.  Every. One. Of. Us.

I just don't get it.  Everyone has their own sack of shit they are carrying around.  This is my place to open it up and unload it.  Sorry for the smells.  You clicked the link.

Something plagues me.

But then I remember.  I'm holding the key to the cell that I'm in.  It saddens me when I see others trapped in a cell but they fail to see the key in their hands that unlocks the door.  And I can only hope that me opening up the door inspires them to open theirs as well.  But who am I?  I'm just a dude that wakes up early and transfers his thoughts to his fingers.  The fingers push the keys and letters and words appear on a window.  A window on a computer screen that is connected to billions of other computers at the same time and at the click of a button, those thoughts are shared with them all.

NEVER underestimate the power you have to inspire and uplift.  But just as something can be used for good, it can be used for bad.  Can't a guy catch a break?

What if I'm wrong about everything?

I guess I just need to make a choice.  Choose what to believe.  Right or wrong.  I tell people to pick a color and be happy with it.  The more choices you have the harder it gets to make a decision.

Don't let the darkness blind you.  What makes you come alive and light up?  Do that.  Believe that.

Did you know that darkness can never overpower light.  Even the tiniest of candles can be seen from miles away in complete darkness.

Back that ASS up

I've been thinking about asses a lot today.  Asses can speak to us if we let them.  As a matter of fact... God uses asses to open our blind eyes.  I know when when I see an ass that speaks to me, it gets my attention.  

Take a look in the book of Numbers.  It's in the bible.  Chapter 22.  Balaam was headed down a path he shouldn't have been on.  He was riding on a donkey.  A donkey he knew well and ridden his whole life.  This donkey hadn't let him down before.  Until the donkey met God via an angel.  Donkey got scared and changed course.  So Balaam beat his ass to get him back on the road.  Then Donkey saw the angel again and got scared and squished Balaams foot against a wall.  Balaam got an ass in his foot. So Balaam kicked his ass again.  The next time, Donkey saw angel, curled up in a little donkey ball and hid behind Balaam.  Balaam, about to lay the smack down, was interupted by the donkey.  The donkey asked balaam what he was doing.  He asked Balaam if he ever let him down before.  He asked Balaam if it ever occured to him why his loyal ass was acting so strange.  

Balaam, surprised by his talking ass, looked up and saw the angel for the first time. 

It's important to remember that Balaam knew God.  He's talked with God.  But for some reason he couldn't see the angel.  He didn't know as much about God as he thought.  

So the next time you think you've got everything figured out, don't ignore the talking ass. 

But it's also helpful to remember that Samson killed thousands of people with the jawbone of an ass.  So don't let that jawbone of an ass beat you up either.  

traffic.

I'm posting all my posts here to drive traffic to my blog.  

My 4 year old son asked me where Heaven was during lunch today.  I had to pause and think about this one.  I told him Heaven wasn't a place.  Heaven meant loving others.  It meant being kind to each other.  Caring for those that can't care for themselves.  Caring for those just because it's the right thing to do.  Heaven is being patient and understanding of others.  

This morning he was angry and hit his sister.  So he got punished.  His punishment was not being able to watch tv the rest of the day.  After lunch when I sat down to watch one of my shows and he said I wasn't being very loving because we weren't watching his shows.  I explained that I was actually showing grace because at least he's allowed to watch MacGyver. 

He's taking his punishment very well.  I'm sure later he'll earn some time to watch octonauts.  Mostly because I want to close my eyes for a bit.  

Do you know why I don't tell him that Heaven is where Jesus is and that's where we go when we die? Because I don't know.  I don't want to fill his head with things I don't know are true.  I want him to grow up being heaven for others.  I think this is what God had in mind. For us to bring heaven to earth.  To be a reflection of love.  

I don't want him growing up being taught about Jesus.  So Jesus fits conveniently inside this pretty little box.  

So many christians today are way to educated and not transformed.  You can sit around learning and learning and learning and learning and if it never moves you to care for the hurting and oppressed....the love of God is not in you.  Oh...that's biblical. 

Shitting with the door open

I couldn't think of a more clever title to talk about the transgender bathroom talk that's floating around. It's absurd.  You've been shitting with transpeople in your restroom your entire life and it's never been a bother to you.  Why all of the sudden is it a problem?  Some people say it opens up a door for men to dress as a women and go into the womens bathroom.  UMMMMM.  No.  Actually, your anti-trans bathoom bill does that.  Follow me here...Have you ever met a transgendered person?  Most often you cannot tell by the outward appearence when clothed.  So, if a transman is expected to use the female restroom they would look fully male.  Like I would.  So all I would have to do is walk into your ladies restroom claiming to be a transman but because I have a vagina i have to pee here.  Would you like to see it?  Are we going to have dick checkers in all the bathrooms?   This is what you people who want penis's to use the mens room and vaginas to use the womens room.  You are in fact making things worse for everyone.  

As it stands, people that look like women will use the womens room.  People that look like men will use the mens room.  That way, if a bearded lady wearing a dress walks into the womens room, you have a reason to be a little cautious.  

Or...you could just not use public restrooms if you are afraid.  But seriously.  You have nothing to be afraid of.  These bills that are created are only spreading fear, hate and ignorarance.  It is absolutely sickening.  

The biggest concern I hear is about safety.  I'm sorry...this is bullshit.  And honestly...right now I don't even know where to begin.  If you think this bill will help keep you safe and you are concerned about safety, stop eating processed foods.  Stop texting while driving.  Put on a bicycle helmet.  Stop playing on the playgrounds.  Start teaching your kids how to be safe and recognize dangerous situations instead of voting for ridiculous laws.  

screens are killing our kids and other bull.

Maybe I'm naive, maybe I'm ignorant.  But I can't stand all these articles written about how screen time and video games are a monster that is destroying our kids.  I get really fired up.  My blood boils. I just want to tell the author....THEN PUT YOUR DAMN COMPUTER AWAY, STOP WRITING AND GO PLAY WITH YOUR KIDS.  YOU ARE FEEDING THE EVIL YOU ARE SAYING IS DESTROYING YOUR FAMILIES.  WHEN DO YOU THINK PEOPLE ARE GOING TO READ YOUR ARTICLE?  AT THE SAME TIMES YOU SAY ARE HURTFUL.  If they are already feeling bad about the amount of time they are on their phone, and they read your article on the phone, do you think you hurt them or helped them?  You probably just added guilt and shame.  

It pisses me off.  The next 50 years aren't going to be the same at all as the previous.  Times are changing.  Your kids love technology and the limitless aspect to it.  Let them explore that world.  It engages the brain in ways you'll never know.  Set boundaries, sure.  If you need to. But technology is not the enemy.  STOP SHAMING KIDS AND ADULTS FOR PICKING UP THEIR IPHONE.  When you do that, you create a monster so much worse than the actual screen ever will.  Just stop.

Screens are fine.  It's your parenting skills that need work.  And guess what?  You aren't alone.  Everyone needs to sharpen their parenting skills  But don't try to blame technology for your deficiencies as a parent.  Parenting is hard and all kids are different.  Cut yourself some slack.  Stop being so scared.  The next however many years are going to be technology driven.  Ask the generation before you about the technological advancements they've seen.  Think about when you were a kid....how much have we advanced?  If you want family time, have family time.  When I was a kid, I went fishing and rode my bike.  You know what?  I was pissed when I had to come home or wasn't allowed to do it.  It's the same thing, just a different activity.

You want to force a child to enjoy the outdoors or something other than a screen?  That's a great way to make them hate it.  Ever try to to force someone to enjoy sex?  How'd that work out for you?  It's a mutual relationship.  No matter how much you tell your kid to shut the techno off and play outside.  They won't learn to love the outside, they will grow resentful of it.  The outdoors is stealing my screen time.

Do both.  Sit and play a video game outside.   Have them find a map on a gps app and go hike it.  Have them make a map!  Show them how map my run works and see if they can spell their name in the yard with the tracking line.

Enroll them in a programming course to learn how to develop apps and software.  Show them videos of kids doing other fun things outside.

Screens are not the enemy.  You know what is?  Forced family fun.  Learn how to make the fun outdoor activity fun, not a punishment.

Parenting isn't easy.  Articles that shame parents about their kids use of screen time and video games are not helpful.  AT ALL.   If you need a game on the iPhone at the grocery store or restaurant for your kids while they wait, that's ok.

Do I think boundaries are good!  You bet.  But you can't roll them out in one day.  Don't beat yourself up if things aren't going your way in the parenting department!  It's hard!  Take it slow.  Learn how your childs brain works.  Learn how your own brain works.

That's all for now.

The people you meet...

Last night we stayed at Heartline Guesthouse in Port au Prince.  It is very nice here.  They take VERY good care of  you.  I wouldn't hesitate to stay here again given the opportunity.   We met a few people here that are visiting the children they are going to adopt for the first time.  It was very cool hearing their story.  It was also their first time visiting haiti as well.  

What blows my mind is the patience they have for the amount of time it takes to adopt a child from haiti.  They've been in the process at least three years now or longer.  I don't know why it takes so long.  I certainly hope there is a good explanation.  But in my simple mind, if a child is without parents and someone is cleared to adopt, why the delay in the process?  

I really had a great time in Haiti.  Especially having my wife join me for the first time and my brother in law Brian along.  Even though I enjoy the visit, I miss my kids.  There will soon be a day we can bring them down to experience this culture and the beautiful people.  They would have so much fun playing with the children here.  

I also layed some groundwork to bring people down here that may not have the opportunity to go with a larger group.  If this is something you are interested in, let me know.  

I hurt, therefore you must hurt as well

Or better said, hurting people hurt people. I did this.  I still do on occasion.  But the more therapy and learning one does about how to heal their own self, the less you hurt others.  But when you see others engage in the same patterns of behavior you once held, you don't get mad.  You hurt for them.  Because you know there's nothing you can say or do that's going to help them in that moment.  It's like an addict.  They aren't willing to recognize they have a problem, until it's to late.  Unless you are one of the lucky ones, like I consider myself to be.  You can explain to them exactly what they are doing and how it is hurting them and others and it won't matter.  They are in pain, and the only thing they want is to be released from their hurt.  And they go about it in the most asinine ways.  I did anyway.  We throw fits, make little hurtful jabs at others most often to attach the emotions of the person (these wounds cut the most deep), seclude ourselves, try to make others feel sorry for us and many other ways.  Why would anyone want to approach a barking dog baring their teeth and growling?  

Think about it.  If you see a dog or any animal caught in a trap and approach it they'll often thrash about.  They are in pain.  They've spent the whole time they've been stuck trying to get out.  And then help comes and they see help as a threat.  Even if the process of release is painful, it's not the rescuers fault.  All they want to do is help.  But the more the one in the trap squirms, the more frustrating it gets for those trying to help.  They might appear aggressive and strong to try to overpower you.  But they are only doing this because you won't listen to logic and sound reasoning and you continue to thrash about and hurt yourself and the ones that care for you and are trying to help. 

You know what really is hard to watch?  When two people who suffer from the same hurts and struggles are in this mode of pain together.  And they try to get what the need from each other in their pain and it doesn't work.  More often than not things get worse.  Both people need something from the other person that neither of them are capable of giving.  This is brian science.  I'm sure you could find someone to give you a much more scienctific answer.   

When I would get triggered into one of these "modes" it was instant.  Right brain fires and won't let the rest of the brain engage.  Right brain goes into protection mode of self at all costs.  And in the process, innocent civilians are attacked.  And then once you realize what you've done, if you are a veteran in this war you don't stop and apologize.  You keep going.  You keep firing.  When all you really want is someone to come in and stop you by telling you it's ok how you are feeling.  Someone to apologize for how you feel that way and they understand.  Someone to just give you a big hug because you feel like a big pile of shit.  But who want's to hug a big pile of shit?  

If you are married, I gaurantee you 75% of your arguments are global.  You have the same unresolved issues that you REFUSE to acknowledge and deal with and when a small issue arises, you take that localized issue and make it global.  This behavior will destroy your marraige.  Unles you deal with the global problem.   Then you can handle all those little issues.  If you experience huge blow up arguments and tension over the smallest things, you have a bigger issue you need to address.  These issues learn to camoflouge very easily.  

Remember on airplanes they tell you to take the oxygen mask and put it on yourself first?  Do that.  You can't help anyone until you've taken care of yourself.  OR, you'll be helping others and hurting the people close to you at the same time.  

Some of the characteristics I held, and still do to some extent, are being less willing to change.  I had a map of how things should be and if someone had another idea it threw me.  I wasn't in control anymore. Even if they other idea worked just as good.  It was almost as if this other idea was an attack.  Someone saying that my way wasn't good enough.  

Hurt people are less willing to admit their failures.  They will weasel and squirm to make parts of their failure seem like a success.   When you are hurt, it's difficult to discuss simple issues.  Remember that big hunk of pain you are carrying around?  It's like an infection that carries over to otherwise healthy conversations.    

Often times hurt people are less willing to learn from others.  It's easier for us to learn things on our own, or on youtube.  We have this I can do it on my own mentality.  

Hurt people carry around alot of baggage.  Most are driving the baggage truck around, often carrying others baggage too. 

I have a theory that some hurt people have an overwhelming desire to help others.  It's their drug to help them feel better. But guess what?  If you can't even deal with your own shit, you have no business meddling  in the affairs of others. You are trying to heal your own hurt by healing the hurts of others.  And while this may work for awhile, it won't ever work in the long term. And you may end up doing more damage as a result. 

For years, I'd post deep, sensitive topics on facebook.  Every time someone differed in opinion I'd push back or take it personal.  I felt like they were attacking me.  And I put up my defenses and began firing back.  This was not helpful.  In fact, the person that differed in opinion was probably just looking for a conversation. They weren't attacking my character at all.  Even though I always said I'd welcome conversations.  Now, as I find myself changing and being less hurt, I don't feel as attacked.  Conversations are easier.  I feel better.  People aren't mean.  

The good news?  If you are reading this and it resonates with you, you are hurt.  It's ok.  We've all been there.  Say sorry to those you have hurt now while you are calm.  If you are waiting on an apology, you are most likely still hurt.  There are times when I felt my wife should be the one apologizing to me.  But EVERY DAMN time it was me that needed to apologize.  EVERY time.  And you know what.  No one was mad at me.  I thought they'd be.  But they weren't.  All those people knew I was hurting and only wanted to help but didn't know how.  They were happy to see that the apology to them, was also an apology for the person saying it to themselves.  

I'm going to wrap this up now.  I've been writing this post for awhile and today seemed like a good day to post it since I couldn't really come up with anything else.  

I might as well push a little bit.

Sometimes when I want to buy a book (audiobook) I have a hard time paying over 10-15 dollars for it. I know lots of people that cringe at a 5 dollar book.  So, I have no problems paying ten dollars for a music album and 99% of people have no problem paying 5 dollars for a coffee.   What's up with that? 

A 5 dollar one time use coffee that you probably buy 3-4 times a week costing you $20.  Which equates to almost $1000 a year.  FOR COFFEE.  All joking aside, something you do not need.  But even a $20 book or a $10 music album that you can enjoy for the rest of your life is too expensive?  Give me a break.   Ever wonder where your coffee comes from?  If all the employees from planting, harvesting to pour over get paid fairly for your 5 dollar cup of coffee.  OH, by the way, I can buy a bag of coffee for $6 that gets me will over 25 cups of coffee.  That should tell you how much of your money goes towards your special "americanized" coffee.  

This is a frustrating post for me to write.  Mainly because I know so many people that could EASILY afford $30-$100 plus every month to employ a Haitian so they could feed their own family as well as many orphans.  It's ONE dinner out.  It's a week without coffee.  But you know what, I bet most of you don't even have to give anything up.   It's frustrating.  I'm not mad at anyone.  I don't look at people disgustingly because they don't.  I'm sure you all give loads of money away to charities outside of your tithe money.  This is an honest plea.  

Anyway.....it's not that much money.   I wouln't mind if you'd consider donating a little  bit of money.  Even if it's only ten bucks a month.  TEN FREAKING DOLLARS.  I know you can afford that if you are on an iphone.  As much as I hate making assumptions like that.  If you can't swing it, you can't.  I'm not judging.  

When you're sitting in an office of a pediatric clinic and watch a sick kid get medicine for free because their parent can't afford it, it's gut wrenching.  It's only 4 dollars.  About the cost of a coffee that will put a child's ailments at ease.  And the clinic, who's sole priority is to provide care for children (and some adults) has to decide to give it away, or keep it because they can't afford it. If they keep it, what are they there for?  No care is given.  If they give it away, the wouldn't receive the money to cover the cost of the medicine and to pay their wonderful staff of nurses and doctors.  Oh, one of those nurses paycheck goes to fund their orphanage as well.  Right now, help is needed on the finance end.  To help cover the cost.  What can you afford?  5, 10, 25, 100 dollars a month?  Think about it....you may never know exactly how much your donation is appreciated.  But it is, trust me.  To see the look on a parents face that their childs ailments are going to be treated.  This is love.  From both sides, the parent and donor.  And please don't assume that becasue there are massive amounts of people being asked that a lot of people will give. It doesn't work that way, although it would be nice.  Assume nobody else gives.  And you can do it here. 

https://fgo.webconnex.com/contribute

Choose the amount you want to give and choose Heavens Angels Pediatric Clinic from the drop down menu.  Thank you so much.  You have no idea how much it helps.  If you enjoy reading my blogs and consider them valueable, make a donation.  These places are usually one to two months away from shutting down.  Please help.  Ok, I'm done begging now.  

Whatever it takes

Yesterday we went to a place deep in the bowels of the Mountains in Jacmel Haiti called Bassin Bleu.  It's a series of waterfalls with very deep swimming holes.  We hired a guide to take us down, it's about a ten minute, incredibly strenuos hike.  If you've been to haiti, you know that if you hire one guide, two or three others think they can tag along as well and get paid.  While you want to, you can't.  This can't be sustained and only creates more chaos when the next group of blancs come in.  

But this one man continued with us.  It is kind of awkard.  On one hand you want to be friendly, but on the other hand you don't want him to think that you are using him as a guide making you responsible to pay him.  He was with us for the hour and half we were there.  At one point he came to our guide and they were having a most heated discussion.  It was in Creole, so we could only guess.  But it was between him and our guide.  He had "lost" his wallet.  

While I don't know the entirity of their conversation, I can only guess that he may have been trying to pin this loss on one of us.  Or that he could persuade our guide to get us to sympathize for him and give him some money.  I don't know.  

Well...he conveniently "found" his wallet right before we left.  He didn't look as excited as you'd think if he'd just found his wallet right next to where we were all at.  

When we got back to the car to leave, he brought his young daughter over to us to show us her rare medical condition.  It's heartbreaking.  The lengths that he went to in hopes of some sort of help for his daughter. There was nothing we could have done for her.  Even a little bit of money wouldn't do anything for their situation.  For some people, they would give money to ease their conscience. But in this case it would only make things worse.  You can't do this.  It creates a false hope.  

If you want to help, find an organization that's been in a country a long time.  That works with local people on the best ways to help.  And shows success that what they are doing is working.  

Some people think what this guy did was shady, I call it being creative.  You might say he should go work.  Work for who?     It's not that simple.  

Voodoo and Stuff

Voodoo is pretty popular in Haiti it seems.  I'd never asked about voodoo or what it was. But I did a little reading this morning and in no way way I am an expert. But it seems it's not much different than christianity or catholicism.  So similar that many don't even differentiate between the two.  What we see on tv about voodoo is far fetched and not realistic.  Maybe extreme voodoo.  

When I was in Amway, it was frowned upon when you took a break.  If someone in your downline called you and asked what you were doing, you'd better have been out doing meetings.  Setting up a new IBO, doing a ditto, or showing the plan.  If you weren't working hard you showed your downline that it was ok to let off the gas a little bit. And that was a no no.  You had to be working for your freedom 24/7.  Yes....lack of sleep seemed to be honored. It seemed like you had to be working all the time to earn favor and status.  Results were recognized but working hard seemed to recognized even more.  

Working hard does not always equal success.  And many amway people still recognized hard work even though they said worked smarter, not harder. As long as you were working though, that meant the odds were in your favor to get results.  And results made money.  

Greek mythology was like this.  People working hard to earn favor and blessing from the God's. If one on any given day doesn't receive favor or blessing they will look back on the day and maybe see if they did something the God's might not be happy with.  And the next day they'll try not to do that.  Then if the god's do bless them, they'll note what they did that day in the books and try to continue those behaviors.  But what do they do when they replicate those behaviors and don't receive blessings?  Or they meet someone else that does a "forbidden behavior" and that person seems to be given blessing.  It sounds really complicated.  

This thinking still exists today.  We do things anticipating a response.  Whether it be from someone else or God or gods. It's like we're trying to please someone other than ourselves.  What makes you happy?  Do that.  Are you proud of yourself? Great.  What makes you come alive?  Do that.  Honestly, it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about you.  How do you think of you?  Be honest.  If you really aren't happy with where you are in life, it's ok to ask for help.  But find someone that's not going to judge you or use you for their benefit.  There are people out there that genuinely care for others with no expectations.  

Don't put so much pressure on yourself to impress other people. Or a God.  Or gods.  Be you, for you.  

Sleeping on the floor

This morning I was lying on the floor of the check-in area of American Airlines at JFK International airport.  I was cold, the floor was hard and I hadn't slept in 24 hours.  And If I couldn't sleep, it would be another 16 hours till I could sleep again.  

And then I realized there are people that sleep on cold, hard floors everynight.  That is their normal.  Not ideal, but it's all they have.  And we have mega church pastors living in 20,000 square foot mansions.  We have 200,000 square foot church campuses and a church that has a bull riding arena inside of it.  And people in this world sleep on cold, hard floors because it's all they have.  

I'm not going to commence a rant on the misuse of tithe money and a tax exempt status.  I'm going to question whether american christians really are pro-life or not.  Cause I don't think they are.  They rail about how the government misuses tax money or they don't want their tax money to fund this or that.  But if the government doesn't fund social programs, no one will.  The church clearly is missing the ball on that one.  

I am thankful for those that do care for the least of these.  And I will continue to support their efforts.  

Bonus Material Just because Joyce Meyer

Do I think Joyce Meyer has good intentions.  Sure.  Do I think she really thinks about her message?  No.  Or maybe she does, for a specific audience.   But for me being a 5 on the enneagram scale, I dig deeper.

Seems harmless doesn't it?  That you get your value and worth from God.  I used to say things like this all the time.  And honestly, if you still vibe with that, great.  Especially if you do have a hard time feeling valuable and of worth.  If believing you are a child of God and that gives you value is crucial to you, don't change anything.

So why do I have a probably with Joyce's message?  She said we can't give others feelings of worth and value.  And we can't feel those things from others.  That's one of the biggest hurtful lies I've ever heard in my entire life.  Joyce, why don't you try a little harder to build someone up.  Let them know that you value them and they are worth being a friend to.  We suffer so much agony because we try to feel a sense of worth and value from people.  God can only give you that.  If you are a christian, the bible calls you to love people.  Joyce Meyer claims to be a christian.  Loving someone should include treating them in a way that tells them they are valuable and worthy.  But even then, as loving as you are, they might still not receive the message.  That's not on you.  You can only do so much.  So does god make up the rest if you can't do it for others? Not a guarantee.

For years I felt a sense of worthlessness and that I wasn't valued.  Still do sometimes.  But since I stopped relying on God to give those good feels to me, I've felt valued and worthy by others.  Imagine that.   The exact opposite of what Joyce says.

Now, I realize she speaks to a certain audience.  So whoever makes these memes and shares them publicly, stop.  If you know someone that could use this message, share it with them.  Because guys like me along with so many other people read them and it pushes us further away from this type of feel good christianity.

To Take or Not to Take

I tried to sleep in today knowing that 18 hours for now I'll be driving to JFK and I don't know how to nap appropriately. Oh well, it isn't the first time we've been haiti bound and travelled throughout the night.  It puts us in Haiti at 10:45am local time tomorrow.  I can't wait.

Emily and I are going together for the first time.  Last September she went for the first time and discovered my other love.  But that's ok.  The fell in love too.  There is something about Haiti that has captured me.  I only know what it's like to visit so I don't want to pretend it's this awesome place to be at all the time.

I'm going to try to write everyday while I am there, but don't expect it daily.  Or at least first thing in the morning.

This isn't a controversial topic or anything, but one up for discussion.  Because I really don't know.  We were given the opportunity to take our sponsor child out to dinner.  Something he would rarely, if ever, get the chance to do.  I would love to do this.  I think it would be so much fun.   But I said no to dinner.

Why?  Because there are several other of his "brothers" that won't ever get that chance.  They have sponsors that take care of them financially and send gifts but may never come down and take them out to dinner or anywhere special.  I have a relationship with all the boys.  So I know all those boys and I want to take them all out for dinner.  It would be hard to not take them all out.  But the ratio isn't working in our favor on this trip.  I don't want any sponsor envy to happen.  Maybe it wouldn't happen.  Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there is not right or wrong answer.  Maybe you just need to pick up that one starfish and throw them back in.

I'm curious to hear others thoughts on this.  Especially those that work for orphanages or foster care.

Anyway,  I'm kind of torn.  Unless I just came down 3 or 4 times a year and took 3 or 4 out to dinner each time I was there.  I wouldn't oppose that.

Wé ou demen, Ayiti.

Let's Pray

More and more I see prayer as a thing that may hurt others instead of helping them.

I'm not really feeling the energy to write about this.  Because it's why I write.  To process and to release these thoughts from the prison cell that is my mind.

Prayer is a complicated subject.  No one knows how it works, if it works, why it works etc.  But I don't think we shouldn't talk about it or think about it.  Even question it.  Does prayer help the person or thing you are praying for?  Or is it just designed to help you feel better?  I don't know.  I'm just going to off for a bit about prayer.

A few days ago a had a friend who was in a rough place in life.  So many people had said they were praying for him.  As someone, me, who has been in a period of deep depression.  Prayers don't do shit.  You know what did do something?  Honesty.  I offered up a prayer.  I said "Fuck you God.  You are such an asshole.  If you are there, why the torture?"  And after that, I felt a lot better.  Did God answer with a "Thanks for being honest"  like I thought?  Maybe.  Or is that just me realizing that God doesn't have that much involvement in the ups and downs of my depression and that I can't rely on God to help me through it.  That I need to stop playing the mind games of what God's trying to teach me through this mess.  Maybe God has nothing to do with how I'm feeling.  You know what people need when they are depressed?  Medication.  Therapy.  Friends that won't try to "fix" them.  But let them know you are there.  I don't know.  But when you say  "i'll be praying" (if you actually do), it almost makes things worse.  You're praying for me and I still feel this way.   Or you do get spiritual and wonder how bad it could be if people weren't praying for me.  Then the guilt and shame set in.

I had heard about someones friend who had lost their child to cancer many years ago.  Often times people would tell them that they were praying for them.  This person didn't actually believe in God.  They just lost their child to cancer. These offerings of prayer let this person feeling worse.

Do you just default to "I'm praying for you" because you have no idea what to do or say?  Do you know that you don't actually have to say anything.  Maybe just offer a hug or say sorry that life sucks right now.  Ask if there is anything you can do to help.  Don't let your prayer offering take the place of actually being there for someone.

I don't believe that if I pray for someone or something that my prayer will impact their life in a supernatural way at all.  If anything, it just settles my own mind and their's if they asked for prayer.    And I don't want to take that route anymore.  There...I prayed for them.  I did my part.  Why do you feel like you have a part?   Maybe you don't.  Maybe you do.  But if you do, I bet it requires you to get your hands a little dirty.

I hear of people teaching their kids to pray for a parking space.  Seriously????   How about just parking far away and teaching them that the time we spend looking for a spot you could just walk and probably be in the store to buy our whatever faster.

Lets look at a passage in the bible...Phillipians 4;6,7   Don’t worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God.  Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel.

The writer seems to be saying that it's a peace that comes over you, not that there will be a remedy to any of the prayers you offered.

I've been praying for wisdom for years because I can't learn out of books.  I try really hard.  But I can't.  And I feel at a tremendous disadvantage because of it.  I can learn head stuff, remember things I read about how the mind works.   But only if I listen to it, not if I read it.  But when it comes to transferring what I read to my hands and actually doing or building something,  I can't.  I need pictures.   I've been praying that God would be revealed to me in a way I would definitely know it's God.  I've had others praying for me very recently about the direction my life is headed.  And here I am.  What does that tell you?  It tells me I'm in the right spot.  At least for right now.  Maybe.  I have no idea.

Several years ago a double blind study was done on intercessory prayer.  Three groups of heart patients were formed.  One group knew they were being prayed for, the other two were told they may or may not be prayed for.  The study cost 2.4 million dollars.  It was big one with over 1800 patients and spanned ten years.  At the end, the group that was prayed for did worse.  The group that was prayed for even though they didn't know if they were prayed for or not didn't do as well wither.  The group that fared the best was the group that wasn't prayed for at all but thought they might be prayed for.  This is an interesting study.  On different levels.

Ten minutes ago I wasn't even going to write anything.  I guess I needed to get that out.  I could be totally wrong.  I don't know.  Do you have something to add or a question on why I feel a certain way?  Ask.

That's all for now.  If you find peace in prayer, please continue to do so.  But I urge you, when you hear of bad news from a friend, don't let the default be to just pray for them.  Just love them.  Give them a hug.  Empathize with how they are feeling.  And then go home and pray about it without telling anyone.  Why do people have to know?  Why pray on the street corners?   Oh....and sending good vibes?  Cut that crap out too.

The past couple days I've not written about this spiritual stuff that's so close to people.  I'll do that on occasion.  But these spiritual things keep piling up in my head and I forgot the real reason why I started to write was.  To get them out.  So that's what I'll do.

Peace

Sitting here this morning after cruising through Facebook for a few minutes and I'm stumped.  I got nothing.  This is nice.  I'm sure I could think of a few things, and I probably will.  This post is just to stay consistent.  Even though that may change next week due to being in haiti for a few days.

It's the first time my wife and I will go down together.  I can't wait.  I miss my haitian friends.

But this morning I just don't feel like there is anything in my head I need to empty out.  It's quite nice actually.  

Enjoy  your monday everyone.  Don't forget to breathe.

Oh.  And I just thought of a topic to write about.  Stay tuned later today.  :-)

Replacing, renewing and transformation

Todays writing took a turn.  I was going to write about something I didn't know what I was going to write about.  But then I thought I'd try my hand at relationships.

Ten years ago yesterday was the day I asked my wife, Emily, to marry me.  I had the help of a few friends prepping the location and a hidden photographer.  I took her to a gazebo at a local park which was just freshly decorated with flowers by my dad.  It was Easter sunday, ten years ago.  I talked about how Spring brings the dead back to life and things begin to grow and asked if she would she start a new life in marriage with me. Or something like that.  She said yes, obviously, with little convincing.  A few months ago they tore that gazebo down.  They did put a new one up.  At first I was a little bitter, but I realized that  as time goes by things begin to break down.  Marriages are no different.  If you don't maintain and actively strengthen and repair it, it will only get worse or end.  

I've put her through a lot.  My wife is a strong woman.  Stronger than she'll ever believe.  She's been with me through all my ups and downs.  If it wasn't for her, I'd not be in good place.  And even as I write this I realize how much more I could be a better husband for her.  And how much more I need to grow.  She's worth it.  Which is why I am still trying to self discover and to learn what a healthy, thriving marriage looks like.  I wasn't given a great example.   I'm thankful Emily was.   And we are working.  I encourage every married couple to seek counseling.  That was Emily's idea.  I pushed back at first but it's been wonderful.  Not easy by any stretch, but so worth it.  And when I say everyone needs to seek therapy or counseling, I mean that.   Even if you are single.  It's one of the greatest investments I've ever made in my life.

How often do you care for things?  Do you clean?  Do you change the oil in your car?  Do you do laundry?  Do you mow your grass?  Maintaining is a part of life.  And your mind and soul are no different.

Yesterday was the day two of my friends got engaged.  They've been dating for a while and have been through their share of ups and downs.  Not just individually, but as a couple as well.  A few months ago I had the chance to spend a week with them in Haiti.  And for a young couple, they surprised me with the amount of maturity they showed as a couple.  You'd have thought they were married already.  And I'm sure some would say they were.  Ashli and Nate, I wish you a very happy engagement and a marriage that will never cease to renew and transform into something more beautiful than you'd ever imagined.  I'm proud of you both and am excited to see what adventures hold for you!  

Questions from a 4 year old.

The other day Josiah (my 4 year old son) were in the car and he asked me a question.  This isn't abnormal behavior.  The boy is full of questions.  He loves music and songs so he often asks what certain lyrics are.  One of his favorite genres to listen to is 90's early 2000's rap. I do have to be careful though, one day he asked me what "hood rats" are.  That one was tough to explain.  But I enjoy the challenge.  I don't like to shield him much from things he'll encounter when he's older.

*****And from this point forward, none of this is new from me. I talk about the american church and all the things I have reservations about it.  So don't be alarmed.  I also didn't reread this the whole way through or edit any of it from grammatical errors.  I rarely do that anyway.  Sometimes I don't even remember what I wrote about.  But when I read it later I surprise myself.  ******

This time he asked me a most difficult one.   He  said he's learning about God.  I told him that's great, so was I.  That's when it came...."Daddy, How do you learn about God?"

Yikes.

I told him I'd think about it and tell him my answer later.  How do you learn about something you can't prove to everybody?  How do you learn about something that presents itself differently to everybody?  How do you learn about something that's ways are above our ways?

Seriously asking here.

You can read about God.  But how do you know it's accurate.  And don't give me that trust that the bible is the truth skabula.  That's not going to cut it.  Especially when you tell me men will fail you.  Thousands of men wrote and rewrote the bible to the format it's in today.  So how am I supposed to trust all those men?  Were they following God's call?  So was Kim Davis.  Try again.

You can experience something you might deem supernatural.  And you'll learn a little bit.  But I believe that experience was for you and you alone.  Because if you share that story with me, and I haven't had an experience like that.  I might try to emulate you, to see if I can get that God experience.  And then I wouldn't be following God, I'd be following you to try to find God.  And remember, humans fail.  Every. Time.  (That's biblical)

Can you learn about God from church.  I'm pretty sure I've been talking about that pretty intensely lately.  Let's start with the American church.  And these are generalizations, I know your church might not be this way.

    -A building (or several) that probably has a lot of debt.

    - A paid staff.  Experts say that 50% of your tithe is usually going towards staff costs.  Large churches more like 40% and start up churches as much as 90%.

    - Huge paved parking lots with lots of brand new cars.  And sometimes some really nice ones.  Including one of those three wheeled motorcycles.

    - Some of the big ones might even have a gym.

    - Almost all of them have a large community gathering room with a kitchen.

    - And most of the church is vacant %95 percent of the time.

Looks a lot like the culture in america.  We probably have a house with debt.  We hire people to do work.  We like our toys with wheels.  We obsess over our bodies.  You get the point.  The american church looks just like....americans.  Is that what God looks like?  Yes.  I think?

So maybe we should go back to the bible.  Is that version of the church in scripture?  Love God.  Love people.  True religion, care for orphans and widows.  I'd even say that in our days of men and women being more equal.  Women do a really good job of taking care of themselves.  Some are still dependent on their spouses income, or a dual income.  At least here in america.  I think when this was written, women were more like property.  Care for orphans and those who have lost their primary supporter.

Here in america, we have an orphan crisis.  I'm sure I have a real gem of a friend that can elaborate more on that.  But we typically treat orphans here in america by shooting them or putting them in jail.
There are lots of organizations that sponsor kids worldwide, which is great.

I think before the church does anything, why not start with taking care of orphans?  Why the need for the building expansion.   If the church mostly ignores the plight of orphans, is that God?

I know I know I know,  men will fail you.  So we can't look to humans to teach us about God.  So why do we try?  Oh, we teach people about God, but don't actually live like God.  You know why I can't ever stop writing about this?  Because I never get to the end of it.

The most common answer I get.  The american church meets americans where they are at.  They help them, comfort them, give them community, etc.  I get that.  But they are still a LOOOONG way away from meeting the needs of the american people.  When you have homeless and hungry on the same block as a mega church.....

Jon.  If you are so passionate about calling out the church, why don't you do something?   Ok.  I'm not going to tell you about my list of charity work.  But I can assure you, I don't ever feel like I'm doing enough.  And as just one guy, it gets really daunting.  But if I just had a large group of people that could collectively bring 166 Billion dollars a year to hurting people, that would be great.  If people who claimed to be christians donated just ten percent of their income....

Ok...wrapping up for today.  Writing about this stuff does NOT help me cope with anxiety, depression and adhd.  

Most people tell me the american church exists to meet the needs of american people.  And as the church grows, more people will come.  This brings in more money to send more money out.  Sort of like trickle down economy.  But I just don't see that happening.

So.  How do you learn about God?  

When the waters gone dry.

I never thought I'd sit here and wonder what to write about.   Give me am minute or two of rambling and I'll come up with something.  I at least came up with a clever title to match the situation I'm feeling.  When the water's gone dry,  What do you do?  Do you keep looking or give up?  Literally, when the water has run dry, you are in dire straights.  Water is life.  Do you settle in and hope for rain?  Or do you go look for water?  I don't know the actual statistics of people that have settled in and hoped for rain, but I'm certain that they would die if it didn't rain and they didn't move.  What about the people that move?  They've got to think about how much they move.  They can't sweat to much or expend to much energy because they've got no water.  What would you do?

If I didn't know what to write about and just sit here and wait for an idea, nothing would ever get written.  So I start writing, and hope I stumble on something.  Sometimes you just have to push yourself to action whether you feel like it or not.  Action always precedes motivation.  Lying in bed, you certainly won't be motivated to get up and exercise.  You might even be ten minutes into exercise and still wonder what you are doing.  But I bet at the end of your exercise or endeavor you are glad you got up and did it.  It's hard to do, I know.  But you can do it.  Keep moving forward.  Just keep moving, even if it's backwards.  An object in motion tends to stay in motion.  So even if you find yourself slipping backwards, at least you are moving.  All you have to do is turn around.


When I'm mountain biking and come through a rock garden, like the one in the photo.  It's not uncommon to find these where I bike.  If you stop, you aren't going again.  But if you carry your momentum and find the right line, it's much easier.  I don't always make it.  But if I fall or have to put a foot down, I'll try one more time.  I usually fall about 3 feet later and then I either turn around and try again or just walk.  Starting from a stop is hard.  There is no shame in walking, in moving forward toward the goal or the next obstacle.  But hills, I ride up EVERY hill.  Right......some of those get walked too.


Next time you find yourself coming to an obstacle of life, see if you can find a line to follow from someone that's been there before.  They've made it through and I'm sure would be more than happy to give you some tips for handling the rough terrain of life.  And if you fall off, don't stop.  Just get up and walk.  And sometimes you do have to turn around and start over, that's ok too.

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I got a breadcrumb yesterday.  But the hardest part...is trying not to create a false god experience.  It's easy if you are looking for God to find something that looks like God.  Now, you might be saying, "IT IS!!!!!"  Well, it might be.  But those are all things I used to think was God.  I need something new.  And the areas where I used to think God never was?  Those look more and more like God.  And that makes it even harder and confusing.

I'm a 5 on the Enneagram scale.  It's pretty spot on.  Take the test here.

Here is the type 5 overview.  We have named personality type Five The Investigator because, more than any other type, Fives want to find out why things are the way they are. They want to understand how the world works, whether it is the cosmos, the microscopic world, the animal, vegetable, or mineral kingdoms—or the inner world of their imaginations. They are always searching, asking questions, and delving into things in depth. They do not accept received opinions and doctrines, feeling a strong need to test the truth of most assumptions for themselves.


Rob Bell used to be the biggest heretic I've ever heard of.  When his book came out "Love Wins" I couldn't believe it.  He used to be so good.  I listened to all his sermons.  But apparently this book says that all people go to heaven.  That love will win.  I dropped Rob Bell. He was dead to me.  And you know what?  I never even read the book.  I didn't know if the rumors were true.  This was about 5  years ago,  When the construct of God/Christianity that I was handed as a child still fit my life dynamic pretty well.

Flash forward 5 years.  I have two kids and a whole bunch of mental and psychological stuff to figure out.  That construct of God/Christianity doesn't fit so well anymore.  I'm not saying the time lapse and kids really played into it.  But I think it did, I'll divulge that at a later time.

Flash forward to two days ago.  I was about to drop God like I dropped Rob Bell.  But I was ok in the not knowing.  I just wasn't going to have any faith in the God I knew.  But maybe the God I knew wasn't for me anymore.   About a year ago, Rob Bell started a podcast.  Called the RobCast.  What a stupid title.  But I listened to a few of them.  They were out there.  Not what I was used to when talking about Christianity.  But they made sense.  And then yesterday I had seen he interviewed Richard Rohr.  Rohr is some kind of spiritual.  A will known local pastor recommended a Richard Rohr book to me a few months ago.   This podcast blew my mind.  It kept that door open to possibility of God.

This podcast was in my head.  It was all the thoughts I had about God but thought were bogus and when I started talking that mess, people looked at me like I was crazy.  I'm not crazy.  Well...not that crazy. And it was enough for me to believe that I'm on the right track.

It's the only podcast I will listen to again.  and again. and again.  The God I grew up with worked for me.  As I got older my life changed, but God never changed with me.  I had kept God in that box and tried to fit my life in that box.

God is not meant to stay in the box.  What's funny is that EVERY SINGLE PERSON that says to stop keeping God in a box has their God in the smallest box possible.  And they are blind to see that.  Is God not bigger than that?  The bible says we'll never understand how big God is, yet you are telling me that the concept I have of God isn't right?  Bullshit.  The God that you keep in your box, if it works for you, great.   I'm serious.  I know people that have a tiny view of God and it works for them.  But I also know people where the overwhelmingness of life is winning.  And their tiny God isn't helping them anymore.  And they are trying so hard.  Open up the flaps.  Those flaps are wings.  Remember when we were kids and we'd sit inside the box?  The flaps could make us fly.  But it doesn't work if the box is closed.  Deploy the wings.  Those wings like eagles.  Remember those?

Did you know that negative thoughts and feelings are like velcro?  Literally.  When you see or think about a negative thought, it implants in your brain immediately.  Positive thoughts are like teflon.  They slide right off.  It takes at least 15 seconds to experience to good feels of that beauty.   This has been tested by neuroscientists.  And it makes sense too.  Ever look for an item on amazon and start reading reviews?  There could be 100 great reviews but the only ones you see are the 3 bad ones.  A quick hug never really gives you the feels.  But hold that puppy for 15 seconds....it's like fireworks.

Racetracks and Comebacks

Yesterday was a rough day.  Not just for me, but for many people.  Especially a friend of mine.  You know how you are.

As I was mowing my neighbors yard yesterday, his widow came outside.  I wasn't expecting her, she no longer lives there as her and her family are in the process of cleaning up the house.  She thanked me for mowing and gave me some money.  I didn't want it, but I realized that I couldn't refuse it.  To her, giving it filled a need in her life.  And me accepting was an honoring her wishes.  I will make sure that whatever she gave me goes to good use.

I then transitioned over to our yard and as I was mowing the front yard, Josiah stopped me and asked to race around his "track" in the driveway made out of sidewalk chalk.  I could have told him I was busy and had the yard to mow, but I stopped.  We ran around his track about 18 times.  It was fairly exhausting.  When we finished he told me I could go mow again.  It was the highlight of my day.  Especially knowing how excited he was when he went back inside that I actually stopped and played for a bit.  I need to do this more.

And trying to find god in all of this.  Is hard.  My views on god probably clash with the views of god that the people I grew up with hold.  But isn't god big enough to fit both of our views? If we'll never truly understand god, how is this not possible?   Even if god doesn't exist for me, god can still exist for you.  And be just as real.  You just have to trust your god.  And let him do his thing.  Your job according to Jesus? Love God and love people.  What is Love?  That's probably just as complex of a discussion as who is God.

"If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. (it almost seems as though love trumps even belief)

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies.

Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled."

Right now, I'm trying to flush all preconceived notions about who or what God is.  It's really hard to do, because what is written above, is from the bible.   I still believe in a God big enough to handle my tough questions and doubts.  And a God that cares enough about me to do so.  A God that will meet me where I am.  Even with the man from Mark 9, he said to Jesus, "IF you can do anything for my son, have a heart and help us."

Jesus said there are no "ifs" among believer, anything can happen.  And he healed the boy.

So God....I believe.  Have a heart and help me.  I'll be waiting for the complete.  In the meantime, I'll keep trying to love.

And We're Baaaaaack.

Something I found interesting.  For some reason all my posts about church have more hits than the ones about things other than church.  By a considerable margin.  If you enjoy reading them, don't hesitate to share.  you never know who will resonate with the same things.

I'm not really gonna talk about church today.  But I will be listening to a few podcasts today, so maybe I'll get some good talking points.

Let me ask you this though.  What if you didn't go for a sunday?  Just to not go.  What would you feel?  I think that's an important question to ask.  I used to feel guilty.  Why?  I'm not sure. Sometimes I would feel as though others would miss me. This wasn't true, because I've been gone for over a year and only 2 or 3 people have asked where I've been.  And 2 or 3 is a generous number.  Sometime I would feel as though I was letting God down.  Trust me...you aren't.  If God was to be let down, I can assure you've already done that whether or not you skip church.  But God is not disappointed in you.

They say belief in a higher power can help lift people out of a lot of dark situations.  But what if you can't believe in a higher power?  What if you aren't convinced?  What hope is there for you?  Well, if you've made it this far and you've come to the conclusion there is no higher power, guess what? There never was (I'm not saying that definitively, but situationally).  And you've made it this far on your own and with the help of others.  But mostly on your own.  That's no small feat.  You do have some strength.  And if you've made it this far, you can keep going higher power or not.  Maybe you are the higher power.  Maybe you've finally got to the point where you realize that you have what it takes.  I feel like an atheist Joel Osteen.  I believe in you.

Sometimes when other say shit like I just did.  About believing in you, it can feel like a burden.  Like, "Great, now if I'm not good enough I'll be letting them down too."  It's not like that.  But it feels like that.  Like there is some sort of expectation to do something.  Sometimes we place a huge burden on ourselves that we aren't doing enough.  That we're not good enough.  Well, you are.  And then when I say "YOU ARE ENOUGH", that doesn't always sit well either.

Therapists, Psychiatrists, medication, exercise, diet, and so many other things might help you if you can't shake the voices in your head tell you that you aren't enough.  The ones that say you aren't good enough.  That nobody likes you.  Well, they are lies.  I can assure you.  They seem very very real, but they are not.  You get really good at convincing yourself.  And even worse, if you grew up in the church you start playing mind games with God.  What's God trying to teach me?  How can I feel this way if I have Jesus in my heart?  And then it just gets even more and more complicated in your head and often makes it worse.  God doesn't play games like that.  God's not trying to teach you anything.  What kind of sick twisted God would see his child in pain and hurt and continue to confuse them?  If I did believe in a God, it wouldn't be an asshole like that.

We can do some crazy things with our brain.  It's VERY complex.  But there are things we can do to retrain our brain.  It's worth looking into.

Hawk Watch and Die

I read an article yesterday. Local to me actually.  It was about a Red Tailed Hawk that was shot with an arrow. A good shot actually.  Right through the chest.  The arrow stopped at the fletching.  The hawk has been flying around for a month with the arrow through it.  It's flying is normal and it's apparently eating pretty well too. They found it and captured it.  The arrow was removed and it appears the hawk with make a good recovery.  I'm happy for the hawk, I really am.


     And you all know that's now where I'll stop.  The comments on this article.

     Probably some punk kid in his coal rolling Dodge pick-up. Flying a Rebel flag who thinks its cool and the Redneck way. Showing off to his girl that wears to small of cloths looking like a can of busted biscuits.

     Hope you get fingerprints off of the arrow and prosecute to the fullest extent of the law, felony    conviction so he can't posses and weapons in the future and no hunting license ever again !!!!!

     Here's what we do, we find who it was and shoot them. We need to bring back capital punishment and humiliation

     Some people can be real knobs! I hope they can find the dope who did that and stick a arrow in their back!

Those are copied and pasted.  And there are hundreds more just like it.  But my point.  Not long ago people would be praising the shooting of this hawk.  But condemning it wasn't a kill shot.  This hawk could have been destroying a food source.  They prey on chickens, rabbits and snakes(that eat mice and other vermin).  So imagine losing all your chickens and eggs and not being allowed to do anything about it.  You'd shoot the hawk too.  You'd shoot the crows if they did it.  You shoot the groundhogs that are a risk to your animals and equipment.  Why the discrimination amongst the animals?  Aren't they all special?

Good for you that you can now sit at home on your computer, or in a coffee shop on your computer, or sitting on your phone in the woods typing about how mad you are that a hawk got shot.  Aren't you happy that you have time to actually do that?  But yes, we do live in a time where not many people are bothered by hawks.  So to see one get shot is bothersome.  Especially because it very well may be have been someone someone out shooting their bow and saw it and decided to test their skill.  But seeing as how it was shot in march in Pa, who's out shooting their bow?  Not many people.  It seems that they set up intentionally in an attempt to kill this hawk.  Which tells me they may have been trying to protect something.  Maybe their small dog that runs in the yard.  Or their cats.  Or their chickens.  Should they have illegally shot it? No.  But we don't know the story.  So lets not judge the motives until.  And from some of those comments, hard to tell who the monster is.....

That all being said....I'm bummed the hawk got shot.  I saw one just the other day drop on a mouse or some other small creature.  It was incredible.  I've seen them flying in the field behind our house looking for food.  I've seen eagles and even captured them on photo.  They need to eat too.  But when something threatens our food source, we have to protect it.  And what happens when animals kill other animals?  Do we let it happen?  Do we protect the victim animal?  They don't play by the same rules as we do.

When the Rubber meets the Trail and a Gorilla Saves the day

I had quite and experience yesterday while trying to fit new tires onto my bike.  I want to take a little writing journey here and try to related that experience with life.  I have not figured it out yet, I'm just going to write about what happened and see what comes up.

A few weeks ago I got a new mountain bike.  If you don't know me, over that past year I've bought "new" things for the first time in my life.  I've always bought used items and I'd be willing bet that over time the used items cost more than the new ones.  Anyway, I took the mountain bike out and on the first ride I got two holes in the rear tube of my tire from thorns.  I patched those hoping it was just bad luck.  Two days later I get a pinch flat.  My fault.  So I decided to make the transition to tubeless tires.  This is when the tire is mounted directly on the rim and if a tiny hole should find it's way into the tire, liquid flies out the hole and tiny rubber molecules fill it.  I used the tires that came with the bike. I was hesitant, as these are often the bottom of the line tires and I knew the sidewalls were very thin.  The process was really easy actually.  I didn't have any problems at all.  I used my air compressor to blow up the tire and it popped right on.  Took me about 15 minutes.  

So yesterday I bought new tires.  A little beefier tires.  I brought them home and proceeded to dismount the old tires being careful not to spill any sealant.  I got both old tires cleaned up and put away.  I got the new tires out of their folded state.  And this is where I felt a tinge of concern.  They had been folded since birth.  That's not going to create a good seal while trying to pump it up and seat the bead to the rim.   But I  paid no mind, I was going riding later.  I knew what I was doing, so I mounted 90% of one tire on the rim, poured in my sealant and went outside to blow up the tire in case sealant leaked out.  The tire didn't seat.  There were too many folds.  At this point I knew the inevitable.  It wasn't going to seat.  Not without special care.  I knew my ride that afternoon was slipping away.  And it did.  I tried to pop on my old tires, and they wouldn't seat on the first try either.  So I ditched that effort and my ride and decided I'd settle into getting this done.  As long as it took.  Through a series of efforts, including masking tape, a ratchet strap, my wife with her 2 sisters and the use the use of their hands, a guitar strap, windex, and variety of unique poses.  I finally got the bead to fit on both wheels, 3 and half hours later, with gorilla tape.  The tape I had thought of three hours ago but it was outside in the van and I didn't want to go get it.  It would waste time.

About 5 minutes ago I figured it out.  Did you?  Sometimes (key word to not overgeneralize), we adapt to whatever kind of life we were born into.  Whatever set of beliefs our family/village had and the type of culture and theology.  Over time we make some upgrades, we ditch the tubes and go tubeless.  Sometimes we still find that the sides are caving in a little bit and we begin to look for other options.  And even when you arrive at a place that you chose.  Through research and study that this particular path is correct for you, it still may not be a tight fit.  Take your time, make sure you are doing it right and if all goes well, 3 sisters will help you get your new rubbers on and you'll have a solid set of tires for your bike.

  I'd love to stay and dig a little deeper about how sometimes the air needs to be let out.  Sometimes when you start to escape, people stop you and plug you up.

But I have a race to go volunteer for.  The Buck Ridge Burn in Pine Grove Furnace State Park.  I was also really hoping for the coffee to have worked by now.  Chairs.  I need to get chairs.  And ritalin.

If anyone else can think of a cool narrative about the tires, feel free to share.

Competitive Questioning

Last night my wife and I had the wonderful opportunity to go to a halfway to 70 party.  We were to dress like old people.  Some people dressed like the old people of today.  Some apparently will never throw away their current clothing and wear that when they are old.  I can understand, that's probably what actually happens.  Or they know in the future we'll have foreverware to sleep in and they won't age.  (Where are my Eerie Indians fans?)  It was a fun time.

We played a game that was much like taboo or catchphrase.  Everyone wrote down 5 names and put them in a basket.  Then we went around and tried to get our team to guess who the person was.  There were a few rules to follow, but otherwise pretty simple.

Now, if anyone knows me they know I have a tendency to get very competitive and overly fair.  By fair, I mean no exceptions to any of the rules.  The other team became less than human.  It never made for good game play.  But I didn't know how to turn it off.  This time I really tried to reign it in.  I think I did pretty good.  Although there was one moment where we could only say one word to try to get our team to guess the name.  This was round 2.  I pulled marilyn monroe and said, "um" or something to that effect.  Well, that is a rule.  UM counts as your word and you can't say any other words or skip the card.  The timer started.  No grace for someone that has not played the game before and was seemingly innocent.  The rule keepers were preying on someone with a habit.  One that takes a long time to fix, if they even can.  For some people, the word "um" helps them produce brain activity.  I couldn't believe they were going to hold to the rule.  And I felt it.  I felt the Hulk birth inside of me and in fierce ferociousness I said we'd take a zero and I passed the basket to next person.  I didn't want it back.  Those were the rules and if they wanted to keep the rules, fine.  That was my last ditch effort to try to make rule keepers feel like shit for enforcing such a stupid rule.  As hard as I was trying to not be that guy, I became the victim of who I used to be.  It sucked the fun right out of the game.  And it took all I had to actually do a do over.  I didn't ask for one.  Nor did I want one.    It's telling now that I think about it.  I have a hard time accepting grace.

Now, if a bunch of name guessing veterans were playing with non-biased referees it may be a different story.  It was a glimpse at how I used to play games.  And it wasn't fun.

But throughout the game I did have a say in some of the gameplay.  Was hound dog one word or two?  I say two.  According to google auto complete it is two.  But we let it slide as one word.  What I did last night was question.  When someone else had an infraction, I questioned, presented a point, and let the jury decide.  I had no final stance one way or another but I did find myself on the grace side of people innocently breaking the rules.

And then it dawned on me.  That's what I've been doing.  Seeing something I see as an infraction.  And I question it.  I present how I view it and feel about it, but not making a final decision of judgement for all to hold to.  I put my thoughts on the matter out there and you get to decide how you feel.  We may even disagree, and that's ok.  We can still be friends.  But depending on whatever "infraction" that is, it may create tension.   But we are all humans and our brains are all wired a little differently and there needs to be a place that allows discussion and explanation.  It gets tricky though, when those beliefs or thought processes effect the lives of others in unfair ways.

That being said.  I have many friends that work in churches.  The last thing I want is for them to feel as though I think negatively of them.  I don't.  I'm just questioning.  And honestly, it's what a number of these people have said that really opened up the doors for me to question.  That's the way it should be.  They believe in a God big enough that can handle little old me.  They believe in a God big enough to clean up any damage I do.

But in doing the questioning and doubting, I have to be open to someone asking about certain things I believe and why I do what I do.  And often times, the hardest questions, come from yourself to yourself.

Don't you think God's big enough to handle the questions?

I was going to go down the "the rule keepers were preying on someone with a habit" road.  But I'll save that.

Ripping the Jaws off of Wolves

Yesterday night I had a dream wolves were attacking my friend.  So what did I do to these wolves, I went over and began ripping their jaws off one by one.  But I had wondered why these wolves were so protective of a space that wasn't theres.  They were protecting their fresh kill.  I didn't know what that fresh kill was, but I was afraid they had gotten to my wife or children.   

This was a dream.  But it's not the first time I've had a dream about ripping the jaws off of wolves.  Lets take a short walk down analyzation road.   We've all heard the expression a wolf in sheep's clothing.  Sometimes I feel like I see the wolves easier than others.  I try to steer away from the potential harm or an accident.  Maybe I'm a little over cautious sometimes.  Right now, I see a pretty big wolf out there that doesn't know it's a wolf.  Nor do I think it's trying to be a wolf.  In fact, one of these wolves has an opportunity to be a good wolf and slowly influence their pack to better ways and shift the negative views wolves have.  Do you think I'm crazy in thinking my dreams have any influence or reflection on reality?  That's fine if you do, I was just asking.  

Yesterday morning my mind wasn't in a good place.  A familiar place though.  I had a podcast interview scheduled for that evening I was considering bailing on.  I just wanted to disappear for the day.  It slowly got better, despite the post fast food depression.  I didn't cancel the podcast.  In fact, the podcast interview made me come alive.  I'll be sure to let everyone know when it comes out.  It even inspired me to start my own.  But that takes time, and time means money.  And right now, I have to work.  But if you enjoy my creative mind and want to see more of what I come up with, i'm considering taking monthly donations of anywhere from $1- whatever it's worth to you.  Even if that's nothing, I don't care.  

Do you know how you spot a wolf?  Don't be afraid to investigate.  

A few days ago I had a conversation with someone who was very pro-church/christian.  I told him a bit of my story and where my  head and heart were at now.  He asked if he could pray for me.  That's what people do when they don't know what to do.  It's common, neither right or wrong.  I guess not anyway.  I said sure...but before you do, I grew up in the church.  I've been going to church for close to 30 years.  I've been prayed for by some of the most holy people.  I've been praying for myself for years to find wisdom and for God to point my life in the right direction.  In fact, part of me still does.  I've been begging God to reveal himself to me in a way I would understand better.  So, either God's answered those prayers and I'm right where I need to be.  Or God didn't answer those prayers by all those people and from an honest heart of mine.  But if you feel like yours are more special than mine, go ahead.  But it's more for you than it is for me.  

Time is running out.

For real.  This morning I felt like I got hit by a truck.  And then when I did roll out of bed, because I read a post on Facebook about a reaction to a John Piper quote I had to go and get in on that action, I got a hellacious nose bleed that took about half hour for it to fully stop.  Worst one I've had in a while.

One of the great uses of Facebook and Twitter in the last days, will be to prove that lack of prayer wasn't because we didn't have any time.  -John Piper

I've only heard the name John Piper before.  I'm assuming he's some big christian leader.  I just don't see how this quote helps anyone.  I only see it as producing even more guilt onto someone that already feels their prayer life isn't good enough.  Perhaps in a one on one conversation with a friend who admitted that their prayer life was suffering.  And you knew that they were on social media several times an hour all day long, maybe you could say it.  If you can't see how what he said can be hurtful (I know, some of the things I say may come across as hurtful too) I'd be more than happy to explain it to you.  

I wasn't going to write about anything church related today.  And the thing I was going to write about was the struggles of infertility.  I won't be able to do that in the few minutes I have here. But maybe tomorrow.

Have a nice day.  Don't feel guilty about how much time you spend on social media.  Unless you should.  Still don't feel guilty about it.  Just ask if it's worth it.  Is it adding to your life, or not?

Guilt free spending

I've always felt guilty for having some of the things that I have. A warm or cool bed to sleep in at night, four or five meals a day, climate controlled house to live in, a car all to myself, recreational equipment at the ready, and  rooms in my house we only use about 5% of the time.  It's actually quite modest compared to the way some people in the country live.

But there is a guilt that comes to me.  There's millions of people around the world that don't have any of that. And sure we do a little bit to help, but we could do more. We could always do more, see Oscar Schindler.  Why don't we?

It dawned on me this morning, while listening to a sermon from a church that I actually believe is starting to do make a shift from "traditional" christianity. They talked about the system in place, the buildings, the classrooms, the space, and the "stuff".   They said those things aren't necessary but they find them helpful to learn more about what it means to live like Jesus and find community.

I'm not saying that learning to live like Jesus isn't important.   And I'm not saying community isn't important.  Those things are VERY important.

But.

Is it worth the cost?  The hundreds of thousands of dollars even into the millions and maybe even billions dollars spent  on those very buildings to use learning how to live like Jesus while so many people around the world don't even know when their next meal is coming from.  I can imagine Jesus saying something like, "In feeding the hungry and clothing the naked you will learn to live like me."

OR....."Build huge buildings and go into massive debt.  Send out fliers to get people to come to your church and have special giving days to help pay for everything.  Use these buildings to sit and read books and talk about how to live like me."

So, maybe I shouldn't feel guilty about all of my stuff that is helpful to me. The example the church is setting is that it's ok to spend money on things that are helpful to you.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the message I got.

If you think I'm kind of off my rocker, perhaps go and see why the beloved author Francis Chan of the book "Crazy Love" left the very megachurch he started.

Bonus material.

I'm honestly seeking God.  Asking God to make herself clear to me. Undeniably clear.  I would think God is powerful enough to do that right?   If someone is sliding down a very slick slide of disbelief.  You could even say dangling off the edge of a cliff.  What if they let go and chose a path of atheism.   Especially if this person grew up hearing about the love and compassion of God.  That doesn't sound very loving and compassionate for god to not reach out and pull me up.   I've even heard songs..."Just reach out, and He will reach in."   Bonus points if you know the artist.  Christians are telling you, reach for God.  Seek God.  But what if God never shows up?  And because I've been either misled by humans or God doesn't reach in...I go to hell?

Some even say I'm not looking for god the right way.  Well, what way is the right way?  See, cause i've seen enough for me to believe according to you.  But yet here I am.  With all these questions and doubts about church and how we view god.  So who's right?  And why doesn't god, if she cares so much, clue me in on her existence in a way I'd know for sure.

Or maybe it will be at the bottom of the ravine, with my body splattered all over the rocks that I find god.  Or my soul will find god, embracing me.  Saying this was the only way I could get your attention.  You are one stubborn son of a bitch.    I'm sorry that those people that claim to know me have so tarnished everything about me it was difficult for you.  Welcome home.

I'm not saying I'm figuratively going to hang off a cliff and wait for God to save me.  Like that stupid cartoon about the guy drowning expecting god to save him.  And a boat comes by and he says it's not god.  then the life raft floats by and he says it's not god.  and he dies and asks god where were you?  God says I was in the man in the boat.  I was the life raft.  I can't believe you didn't see that.  Hell for you....so sorry.  SERIOUSLY?!?!   God couldn't have sent a talking dolphin?  God would rather see me go to hell?!?!    But maybe that cartoon doesn't end in the man drowning going to hell. Again, maybe the man is embraced by god.

Or maybe god is found in those out helping people in need.  those that cannot help themselves.  I've heard it said in conservative circles...God only helps those that help themselves.  Yeah.....that's bullshit.  Sorry, not sorry.

That's all for now.