I hurt, therefore you must hurt as well

Or better said, hurting people hurt people. I did this.  I still do on occasion.  But the more therapy and learning one does about how to heal their own self, the less you hurt others.  But when you see others engage in the same patterns of behavior you once held, you don't get mad.  You hurt for them.  Because you know there's nothing you can say or do that's going to help them in that moment.  It's like an addict.  They aren't willing to recognize they have a problem, until it's to late.  Unless you are one of the lucky ones, like I consider myself to be.  You can explain to them exactly what they are doing and how it is hurting them and others and it won't matter.  They are in pain, and the only thing they want is to be released from their hurt.  And they go about it in the most asinine ways.  I did anyway.  We throw fits, make little hurtful jabs at others most often to attach the emotions of the person (these wounds cut the most deep), seclude ourselves, try to make others feel sorry for us and many other ways.  Why would anyone want to approach a barking dog baring their teeth and growling?  

Think about it.  If you see a dog or any animal caught in a trap and approach it they'll often thrash about.  They are in pain.  They've spent the whole time they've been stuck trying to get out.  And then help comes and they see help as a threat.  Even if the process of release is painful, it's not the rescuers fault.  All they want to do is help.  But the more the one in the trap squirms, the more frustrating it gets for those trying to help.  They might appear aggressive and strong to try to overpower you.  But they are only doing this because you won't listen to logic and sound reasoning and you continue to thrash about and hurt yourself and the ones that care for you and are trying to help. 

You know what really is hard to watch?  When two people who suffer from the same hurts and struggles are in this mode of pain together.  And they try to get what the need from each other in their pain and it doesn't work.  More often than not things get worse.  Both people need something from the other person that neither of them are capable of giving.  This is brian science.  I'm sure you could find someone to give you a much more scienctific answer.   

When I would get triggered into one of these "modes" it was instant.  Right brain fires and won't let the rest of the brain engage.  Right brain goes into protection mode of self at all costs.  And in the process, innocent civilians are attacked.  And then once you realize what you've done, if you are a veteran in this war you don't stop and apologize.  You keep going.  You keep firing.  When all you really want is someone to come in and stop you by telling you it's ok how you are feeling.  Someone to apologize for how you feel that way and they understand.  Someone to just give you a big hug because you feel like a big pile of shit.  But who want's to hug a big pile of shit?  

If you are married, I gaurantee you 75% of your arguments are global.  You have the same unresolved issues that you REFUSE to acknowledge and deal with and when a small issue arises, you take that localized issue and make it global.  This behavior will destroy your marraige.  Unles you deal with the global problem.   Then you can handle all those little issues.  If you experience huge blow up arguments and tension over the smallest things, you have a bigger issue you need to address.  These issues learn to camoflouge very easily.  

Remember on airplanes they tell you to take the oxygen mask and put it on yourself first?  Do that.  You can't help anyone until you've taken care of yourself.  OR, you'll be helping others and hurting the people close to you at the same time.  

Some of the characteristics I held, and still do to some extent, are being less willing to change.  I had a map of how things should be and if someone had another idea it threw me.  I wasn't in control anymore. Even if they other idea worked just as good.  It was almost as if this other idea was an attack.  Someone saying that my way wasn't good enough.  

Hurt people are less willing to admit their failures.  They will weasel and squirm to make parts of their failure seem like a success.   When you are hurt, it's difficult to discuss simple issues.  Remember that big hunk of pain you are carrying around?  It's like an infection that carries over to otherwise healthy conversations.    

Often times hurt people are less willing to learn from others.  It's easier for us to learn things on our own, or on youtube.  We have this I can do it on my own mentality.  

Hurt people carry around alot of baggage.  Most are driving the baggage truck around, often carrying others baggage too. 

I have a theory that some hurt people have an overwhelming desire to help others.  It's their drug to help them feel better. But guess what?  If you can't even deal with your own shit, you have no business meddling  in the affairs of others. You are trying to heal your own hurt by healing the hurts of others.  And while this may work for awhile, it won't ever work in the long term. And you may end up doing more damage as a result. 

For years, I'd post deep, sensitive topics on facebook.  Every time someone differed in opinion I'd push back or take it personal.  I felt like they were attacking me.  And I put up my defenses and began firing back.  This was not helpful.  In fact, the person that differed in opinion was probably just looking for a conversation. They weren't attacking my character at all.  Even though I always said I'd welcome conversations.  Now, as I find myself changing and being less hurt, I don't feel as attacked.  Conversations are easier.  I feel better.  People aren't mean.  

The good news?  If you are reading this and it resonates with you, you are hurt.  It's ok.  We've all been there.  Say sorry to those you have hurt now while you are calm.  If you are waiting on an apology, you are most likely still hurt.  There are times when I felt my wife should be the one apologizing to me.  But EVERY DAMN time it was me that needed to apologize.  EVERY time.  And you know what.  No one was mad at me.  I thought they'd be.  But they weren't.  All those people knew I was hurting and only wanted to help but didn't know how.  They were happy to see that the apology to them, was also an apology for the person saying it to themselves.  

I'm going to wrap this up now.  I've been writing this post for awhile and today seemed like a good day to post it since I couldn't really come up with anything else.